(no subject)
Title: Seeing Me
Author:
cae_prince
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: Well, CSI: NY and its lovely characters do not belong to me. Seriously. I checked. I could double-check if you want.
Feedback: Oh, yes, please!
Spoilers: Nah, just a very minor reference to “What you see is what you see”
Pairing: Mac/Stella, Stella/Frankie (Don’t hit me, read it first :-P)
Summary: She needs someone to really see her.
A/N : This is my first CSI: NY Fiction. I haven’t written in since a very long time, so if my writing is patchy, chalk it up to loss of practice. Anyway, since it’s my first in a long time, please be nice and constructive criticism is welcome.
I'm not looking for someone to talk to
I've got my friends, I'm more than okay
I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams, but it's not all they say
Stella Bonasera shivered slightly as she walked down the street. She pulled her coat tightly around herself. Today had been a particularly exhausting day at work. She’d worked from daybreak alongside Mac and finally at the end of the day, she’d looked so beat that Mac had insisted that she go home and rest. She’d asked him to join her, but he’d declined - citing paperwork. So he’d ushered her out of the lab while she protested that she should give him company. He allowed her to stay for an hour and then she bade him goodnight, telling him to go home and rest that brilliant mind of his.
She was now walking down her street and some of the youngsters who lived nearby called cheerily to her. She gave them a wave, wondering how they could stay out so late at this un-godly hour. She reached her building and began to climb wearily up the stairs.
Still I believe
I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me
She pushed her door open and stopped dead in her tracks.
“Frankie?”
“Hey, I’ve been waiting for almost an hour. Got caught up?”
“Kind of,” she shrugs out of her coat, kicks her shoes off and settles on the couch next to him. He immediately moves closer and kisses her neck.
She closes her eyes and tries to ignore the subtle signs he’s giving her.
After awhile she says as she tries to wriggle free, “Not tonight, Frankie. I really am tired.”
Yet he somehow manages to over-ride her objections. When did she become so weak? She wonders as he leads her to the bedroom.
And when she woke up the next morning, he was gone. And her world came crashing around her again and that’s where she wanted it to change. She was tired of waking up to an empty bed, with just his scent on the pillow to remind her of the night. That and a deep sense of regret and loss.
She hated being used. She once told Mac that, and he told her that she’s going out with the wrong kind of people.
She thinks things may be different with Frankie, but months later she still hasn’t woken up next to him.
Don't want to wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk in my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world.
“So, Stella,” old Mrs. Bedford, who lives next-door, asks her one Sunday, over coffee and muffins. “Is everything going on fine with that young man?”
Stella stares into her reassuring blue eyes and smiles, “Yeah.”
“So, do you love him? It’s been nearly a year, right?”
The questions seem inquisitive, prying and nosy… and Stella has a momentary urge to tell the woman to nose out of her affairs, but doesn’t, because she’s known old Mrs. Bedford since she moved in 10 years ago and counts her as one of the true friends she does have. So she says with a seemingly non-committal shrug, “I don’t know.”
And she hates that she has to lie to old Mrs. Bedford. The truth however eats her away inside. And she doesn’t know how longer she can hold out.
An hour later she’s back in her apartment, leaning against the railing in her balcony overlooking the street. And her neighbor’s question comes back to haunt her, “Do you love him?”
I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't criticize it, I had no hesitations,
My imagination just stole me away
Love. She wonders if this emotion is way over-rated and exaggerated and if every single human being has been brain-washed by its false sense of security. And then from the depth of her feelings, the answer is dredged out. And the answer scares her, not because she’s afraid of feeling it, but because she’s afraid that he does not.
She closes her eyes and sends a silent prayer to the heavens, she prays for a courage that she feels is slowly ebbing out of her. After a while, she opens her eyes, feeling a bit calm and looks down at the street below her.
There she sees a man following a girl, gesticulating wildly. The girl, a peroxide blonde, seems to be ignoring him and walks ahead while he follows, his arms flailing as he tries to make a point that she doesn’t want to see. Finally, he quickens his pace catching up with her at the end of the street, turns her around and kisses her. And then suddenly everything seems right as he leads her back to the apartment building right across Stella’s.
And Stella scoffs at the scene she’s just witnessed. That scene seemed like something out of a clichéd love story and she knows that not everything is fixable with a kiss. Certainly not her situation, anyway.
And again she sees a man and woman, walking with their son, dressed in a Little League uniform, as he chatters excitedly about the match they’ve won. He waves the small trophy around in delight. Finally, the man scoops him up and hugs him close, probably telling him that he’s proud of him. The woman also steps into the embrace and they all continue in the same position down the street.
And this time, she feels a sense of longing. Would she ever have that? Not at the rate her relationship is going.
Then she hears the door open and she regrets even more that she gave a key to him. She then hears the clank of the keys against the coffee table and then footsteps drawing closer. And then his arms wrap around her. But now she’s past the point of giving into his touch. She wriggles free and then turns around to face him.
And the next few hours fly in a blur of screaming, crying and finally a slammed door. After he’s left, she leans wearily against the door and closes her eyes. She’s had it with men, she thinks.
Love's for a lifetime
Not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
I'm only human
And nights get colder
With no-one to love me that way
The following week witnesses a completely different Stella Bonasera. She becomes more edgy, snappish and irritable. When things didn’t go her way, the people working with her, usually Danny or Hawkes and sometimes even Mac, got on the receiving end of her temper.
If the rest of the team had noticed these changes, they don’t say anything to her. But Mac does.
He confronted her in the break-room after she had just taken out her temper on a befuddled Donald Flack.
He witnessed the two of them yelling - correction, she was yelling and he was just standing there looking completely shocked. Finally she turned her back on Flack to look outside the window. Flack glares at her turned back for a while, before sighing and turning around to walk out.
As he steps outside, his eyes fall on Mac and he throws a confused shrug in his direction and mouths, “What’s up with her lately?”
Mac raises a hand and then tilts his head to tell Flack to get moving, “I’ll talk to her.”
Flack nods. He knows that if there is one person who can figure out Bonasera’s problems, it is Mac.
Mac braces himself and then steps into the room, taking care not to let the door slam. He didn’t want to rile her up before he had a chance to talk to her - without any yelling.
He stood quietly, wondering whether he should get her attention. He continued to stare at her back and that’s when he sees that her shoulders are shaking and her head is down. Confusion turns to horror, when she raises a hand to wipe her cheeks.
He stepped closer and then whispers, “Stella?”
Her head snapped up and she hastily reached a hand to dry the tears, but was stopped mid-way by his hand grabbing hers. Then, he gently turned her around to face him, wet cheeks and all. She looked down, refusing to allow him to see her crying.
He sighed and then gently tugged at her hands, leading her to the table and settling her down on one of the chairs and seating himself in an adjacent seat. She still wasn’t looking at him. He grabbed a few tissues from a box, and handed them to her. She took them, but still did not raise her head.
“Stella,” he started in a whisper, “What’s wrong?” And when she still didn’t look at him, he tucked his hand under her chin and raised it, forcing her to look at him. “Talk to me, Stel. You’ve been acting different towards all of us for more than a week. Everyone’s confused, Stella. Most of all, me.”
She looked into his eyes, and she saw the concern and worry expressed clearly in those sapphire orbs. And she knows that she can’t ever hide the truth from those piercing eyes of his, and so she gives in.
“I’m sorry,” she starts. “I’ve been distant and snappish with everyone. And no-one’s done anything wrong, Mac. Least of all, you. So please don’t think that you’ve done something wrong.”
“OK, I understand that. Stella, but seriously what’s wrong? It’s so unlike you to be this dour and snappish.”
“Mac, it’s just that the futility of my life has brought me down, Mac.”
“Futility? Why, Stella? You have so much to live for. You’ve got great friends, a great job, a great boy…”
“Strike the last one off the list, that isn’t there anymore,” she interrupted.
“I’m sorry, Stel. Is this what this has all been about?”
She shook her head. “No. It’s not that, Mac. I’m sick of being in relationships with no future. I’m 37, Mac. Three years from now, I’ll be 40! And look at me, no husband, no kids. Half the friends who are of my age are already worrying about the braces on their kids’ teeth or cheering them on in football matches. And here I am getting stuck in useless relationships based primarily on physical needs.” She gave a frustrated sigh and then scoffed, “Eleven months I was with that guy and he tells me that I’m moving too fast, when I tried to have a serious conversation with him.” She looked at him again. “Can you believe that?”
“Well…” he smiled slightly at the expression on her face, and then leaned forward to take her hand. “I can believe that he did it, what I can’t believe is you are giving up hope. That’s not the Stella I know.”
“I’m human, Mac. I can’t help feeling down sometimes.”
“No, that’s not what I meant at all.”
“Then?”
“What I meant, was that while you feel down, yet you never give up your hope of finding whatever you are searching for.”
“You think I’m going to find it?”
“I know you will. All you need is to look for someone who really sees you. Not you, but YOU,” he pointed to her heart. “Stella Bonasera”
She smiled. She might have hit the lowest point, but yet he always managed to pull her up and set her back on her feet.
“Sorry,” she said finally.
“What for?”
“This past week, my temperament and all.”
“That’s OK. It’s not like you did it on purpose. Danny chalked it up to PMS and Lindsay agreed. And Sheldon and Flack chalked it up to nerves…” he paused.
“And what did you chalk it up to?” she asked looking him in the eye. And something seemed to flicker in his eyes for a second. But before she could decipher it, it was gone.
“Nothing. I didn’t jump to any conclusion. I just decided to ask you.” He smiled.
“Really? Why do I get the feeling you’re not being truthful, Mac Taylor?”
“It’s the truth,” he reiterated.
“OK,” she didn’t want to push it.
“I gotta get going,” he stood up and moved towards the door.
“Mac?” she called.
“Yeah?” he turned around.
“Thanks.”
He smiled and left.
As she watched him walk towards his office, she remembered his words, “All you need is to look for someone who really sees you.”
She always caught the nuances in his speech. She continued to gaze after his retreating figure, all the while thinking about the emphasis he had put on the word “see”
And then she closed her eyes and began to think.
Yeah I need someone who really sees me
Something seemed to snap in her. Sees. Really sees her. There was only one person who did that. And he had just walked out of the door. A smile began to grow on her face. Suddenly, the look in his eyes, the one she couldn’t make out, was all clear. It could’ve meant only one thing. And she had seen that look before, once. A year back, when she was fixing his shirt on that day.
And back then it had been mirrored in hers as well. But after that she tried to never let it show for fear of losing their friendship.
But now…
She stood up, a resolute look on her face.
******
Mac sighed as he sat on his chair. He had almost given himself away back there.
I can’t let it happen again. She was almost on to me, then. It would ruin everything we’ve worked on these past years.
He was so deep in thought that he didn’t hear the door open or her footsteps. It was only after she had moved behind his desk and next to him, that he registered her presence.
He started and looked up, “Stella?”
“All you need is to look for someone who really sees you,” she quoted quietly as she knelt down so that they were at the same eye-level. “You knew all along, didn’t you, Mac?”
“Stella…”
“Mac, I knew it too. I was just scared to tell you. Because I thought you didn’t know, until now.”
“Stel…” he trailed off as she inched closer.
When they were inches apart, she whispered, “You were saying?”
“That I knew too, and didn’t know that you knew… until now.” He cupped her face and brought her lips to his in a kiss that signaled the start of something wonderful… and was forever.
Don't want to wake up alone anymore
Still believeing you'll walk through my door
You'll reach out for me and I'll know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world
Stella stirred awake in the dawn as she felt a pair of arms pulling her closer till she was snuggled right next to a warm chest. Grinning, she wrapped her arms around his waist as she realized she’d never wake up to an empty bed ever again, with just his scent to remind her of the night.
FIN
The song is “All the love in the world” by The Corrs. Hope you liked it. If you did, please review J