fuck fuck fuckety fuck
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
i feel like screaming out! its kinda sad but i have to admit that i've become a terribly emo person the last month or so. i'm going on my 20th birthday and i seriously feel like i've never been so emotional in my life. i dont even feel like i know who i am right now. i just listened to sheryl crow on the radio in the car on the way over here, and her line "i'm still wonderin why i feel so all alone, why i'm a stranger in my own life" seems particularly fitting right now. i've always been somenoe who's on top of things, and i've always been proud of myself (and took it for granted) that i've always been okay with pretty much my whole life. but right now, i dont know what to do. i dont know who i am anymore, where i am, what i'm doing, and i dont know what to do about it..
aaron and me, after trials and tribulations for the past 5 weeks, have officially ended our relationship as of pretty much the past 36 hours...i never thought it'd happen. i'm still in shock. i had a conversation with abby the other day about how we both have in common the fact that we dont process serious emotional blows for a really long time, and i think that's still going on here.
it all started because on like january 9th or 10th or something aaron told me that he'd fucked around on me like 2 weeks before that, with some dude named delwyn who's like 25 and lives on the west side of town. the night he told me i didnt know what to do, it was just another huge shock. i ended up just like not doing anything, i told him i didnt know what to do and we went to bed. like 2 nights later i finally let the emotion out, and it was a mess. i cried and screamed for like 3 years, i punched aaron like 3 times and fucked up one of my fingers, i threw shit, i kicked him out of our apartment for a night, it was awful.
i decided, though, that i loved him too much to leave him, and i know that he loves me. since that night we've been trying to work things out, and it's been on and off. we have times where we're fine, and it's actually really good, but we've been fighting a lot and i keep freaking out on him. since i found out i've been on an endless mission to find the guy he fucked around on me with, i cant get the picture of them together out of my head. i've been really mean to aaron, but i cant stop freaking out. that's why we finally ended it. he says he cant stand me acting how i do to him, and i cant stop going nuts. I feel so worthless, so ugly, so alone. i want to just run back to him but i know i shouldn't..
aaron and i met in like august of 2005, when i was about to start my senior year in high school, and we've been together ever since. in fact, for the past 2 years or so we've spent just about every day together, start to finish. since pretty much the beginning of the summer of 2006 we've slept in the same bed (this last week excluded) EVERY NIGHT except for..um..6 days? and that was when we went on vacation and were in separate states. so aside from that, for the past 700 or how ever many nights (wow? 700? i just figured that out, thats nuts..), i've slept with that boy next to me, and it's driving me the fuckin nuts having to sleep by myself..
rargh! i want to just feel better.
if one of my friends was telling me what i'm saying, i'd tell them all sorts of hopefull things. i'd say.. Dont dwell on it! You're young! It was your first real love, of course you'll get over it! Things will be easier soon! You'll feel better in no time! It's probably for the best! Everything happens for a reason! You'll be a better/stronger/addanyotheradjectivehere person when you come out of all this! ...
and yet as i'm telling myself all of this, all day long, all i can think about is aaron. or, if i manage to not think about him, all i think about is how alone i am, and how much things are going to change. i think about all the great times i've had with aaron and i think about how happy i was. i've never been happier than i was with aaron. i know things weren't always good (far from it) but now that i'm not with him i don't even care about any of it. I just want to lay down with aaron in our bed and forget that any of this ever happened. thats really all i want. i want to go back to 2 months ago, and then i dont want my life to ever change again.
aaron and i have to drive to school together tonight. ughhh. when i think about it it's just this huge pressure and wave of sadness on my body, its physically exhausting. god i hate this. im so alone and it's going to take me so long to get my life back together. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!