Those wacky, wacky stars.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The most expensive bat mitzvah in history took place at New York's Rainbow Room in November 2005. David Brooks, a billionaire defense contractor, spent $10 million on his daughter's rite of passage. Among the stars he hired to perform at the bash were Aerosmith, Tom Petty, Nelly, and 50 Cent. Promise me, Capricorn, that if you get wealthy in the coming year, you won't blow your money on ridiculous "luxuries" like that. Here's a secret: The more high-minded you are in cultivating your dreams, the greater the likelihood is that you'll get richer quicker.
What's really funny about this week's horoscope is that Kate and I spent a chunk of last night discussing what I would do if I suddenly acquired a large amount of money, namely, 'take my mother to Disneyworld.' This is not a nice, spontaneous surprise on my part. This is what is damn well expected of me as a good daughter who, in this scenario, has a large amount of money. For a value of 'large' that allows for trips to Disneyworld, that is.
If I had a large enough chunk of money to qualify as 'wealthy' -- a value that is at once sky-high due to crazytrain examples from the tabloids, and yet becoming a lower apparent dollar figure the less money the rest of us have -- I would...
* Take my mother to Disneyworld.
* Let Kate actually make me buy the book signing wardrobe she says I need.
* Buy a large house in Snohomish, Washington.
* Buy furniture for my house.
* Pay people who are not me, my friends, and an Aqua CD to paint the interiors of my house.
* Get all my artwork framed.
* Pay my mother to drive all my crap to Snohomish, Washington.
* Move to Snohomish, Washington.
* Go to the best back surgeon I can find, and go 'here is an enormous amount of money, I want a spine made of unbreakable memory plastic' before paying him or her to cyborg me up.
* Probably buy a pony.
I consider these dreams to be quite high-minded, thank you, except for maybe the part about the pony. Only in this case, 'pony' is probably another way of saying 'Great Dane puppy,' and I do quite well with Great Danes. They make you exercise, and that's good for you. So all these dreams are high-minded. So nyah, stars.
I am ready to be wealthy now.
What's really funny about this week's horoscope is that Kate and I spent a chunk of last night discussing what I would do if I suddenly acquired a large amount of money, namely, 'take my mother to Disneyworld.' This is not a nice, spontaneous surprise on my part. This is what is damn well expected of me as a good daughter who, in this scenario, has a large amount of money. For a value of 'large' that allows for trips to Disneyworld, that is.
If I had a large enough chunk of money to qualify as 'wealthy' -- a value that is at once sky-high due to crazytrain examples from the tabloids, and yet becoming a lower apparent dollar figure the less money the rest of us have -- I would...
* Take my mother to Disneyworld.
* Let Kate actually make me buy the book signing wardrobe she says I need.
* Buy a large house in Snohomish, Washington.
* Buy furniture for my house.
* Pay people who are not me, my friends, and an Aqua CD to paint the interiors of my house.
* Get all my artwork framed.
* Pay my mother to drive all my crap to Snohomish, Washington.
* Move to Snohomish, Washington.
* Go to the best back surgeon I can find, and go 'here is an enormous amount of money, I want a spine made of unbreakable memory plastic' before paying him or her to cyborg me up.
* Probably buy a pony.
I consider these dreams to be quite high-minded, thank you, except for maybe the part about the pony. Only in this case, 'pony' is probably another way of saying 'Great Dane puppy,' and I do quite well with Great Danes. They make you exercise, and that's good for you. So all these dreams are high-minded. So nyah, stars.
I am ready to be wealthy now.