These boots are made for walkin'...
Last night, I got home, and Naired the holy hell out of my legs. Nair is a fascinating thing. It's like mutagenic ooze for girls. It smells sort of like cheap candy and baby oil, it's pink (or pastel blue, or pastel green) and slimy, and we're supposed to smear it all over ourselves, despite the fact that it burns our flesh. Nair is supposed to dissolve hair. Nair does so. What they don't tell you on the bottle is that Nair will also dissolve skin, and that it's an awesome exfoliant, because it eats your flesh.
(If this sounds sort of painful, that's because it sort of is. Welcome to the things we get to do in order to suit the modern social standards of beauty, ladies and gentlemen. At least it means I get to play with caustic chemicals and pretend that I'm a mad scientist getting ready to mutate myself in order to further my goal of getting even with those fools from the Academy. Oh, they laughed at me then -- how they laughed! -- but today, I shall have my revenge! My stinging, burny revenge. Ow, ow, ow...)
The process of applying, melting due to, and removing Nair takes about fifteen minutes. I wiped the last of it away, then took a burning-hot bath to get off any lingering slime before whipping out my trusty razor and shaving my legs. Yes, the Nair melted most of the hair. No, that doesn't mean I lose the urge to play with knives.
And then I got out the pumpkin pie exfoliating body scrub, and loofahed like it was going out of style.
And then I got the body butter.
Ladies and gentlemen: yoga classes twice a week, aerobics, Dance Dance Revolution, and approximately a hundred and fifty miles of walking per month have all combined to bring you...my legs. Be amazed.
Right now, I kinda am.
(If this sounds sort of painful, that's because it sort of is. Welcome to the things we get to do in order to suit the modern social standards of beauty, ladies and gentlemen. At least it means I get to play with caustic chemicals and pretend that I'm a mad scientist getting ready to mutate myself in order to further my goal of getting even with those fools from the Academy. Oh, they laughed at me then -- how they laughed! -- but today, I shall have my revenge! My stinging, burny revenge. Ow, ow, ow...)
The process of applying, melting due to, and removing Nair takes about fifteen minutes. I wiped the last of it away, then took a burning-hot bath to get off any lingering slime before whipping out my trusty razor and shaving my legs. Yes, the Nair melted most of the hair. No, that doesn't mean I lose the urge to play with knives.
And then I got out the pumpkin pie exfoliating body scrub, and loofahed like it was going out of style.
And then I got the body butter.
Ladies and gentlemen: yoga classes twice a week, aerobics, Dance Dance Revolution, and approximately a hundred and fifty miles of walking per month have all combined to bring you...my legs. Be amazed.
Right now, I kinda am.