wherein I ruminate more about Josh, who I pray to god never finds this journal.
So today (now yesterday actually) I seemingly lost my damn mind. Here's what went down:
Yesterday, after the lovely 3 course lunch that Josh COOKED for me and my parents, some friends picked me up so we could go visit Great-Aunt Jules, who is none of ours' actual aunt, but they, Mere and Company, adopted her long long ago and when I was in high school she paid me to clean her house for her once a week so I had some spending money and I sorta adopted her too and now that she has Alzheimers and is in the nursing home (about 45 min away) they visit her at least 3+ times a month (roughly once a week) and they invite me along because I've come to love her too and she still remembers me most of the time. We spent Thanksgiving this last year with her and she loved it.
Anyway, Mere and her fam had invited me to go to Great-Aunt Jules place and then out to eat with the lot of them but Josh had already invited us over to his place (Josh and El's parents own a town house in our town that they use as a vacation home. Both sides of their extended families, including both sets of grandparents, live in our town. They come up pretty often.) so I went to Joshs', let him feed me, and then got picked up by Mere and her parents to go see Great-Aunt Jules. I couldn't really invite Josh b/c it's not really my Great (not)Aunt and I wasn't driving nor paying for supper.
My dad left, and Mere n Co came to get me before mum left. So when I left Josh's house my mum was still there talking the poor boys' ear off. About 20 min later I texted him saying "Is my mum still there bugging you?" and didn't get a reply. What ev.
Today, around 1400, he txts back: "huh?" Turns out his phone had died and he had just purchased a new charger and hooked it up and recieved my txt. I explained that that txt was from yesterday and we lol-ed and then I asked if he was doing anything today, and he had to go watch his grandpa for his aunt, b/c his grandpa wanders away a lot but he would be done later this evening. I txted back that we should hang out later, if he wanted, and watch movies/ play video games, would he want to? He txts back "Doesn't matter". direct quote.
This is when I lost my damn mind. "Doesn't matter". Doesn't matter in that 'yes come over but I don't want to seem too eager'? Doesn't matter in that 'I don't really want to hang out but you are my friends' sister and my sisters' good friend and it's not worth being rude even though you've sorta intruded on my vacation and have invited yourself to my house'? Doesn't matter as in "I dunno it doesn't really matter'?
AUGHHHHH.
I have 3 friends I talk to about boys. El, who is Josh's little sister and is therefore disqualified on grounds of I'd never live it down, Autumn, who didn't answer the txt I sent (because she'd turned off the ringer as it was keeping the new spawn awake), and Ang, who did. I call Ang, explaining the situation (we've talked about Josh before. She's pushing me to go for it.) and the convo drifts quite a bit and never really resolves the original concern. I feel better, and go to class.
After class I txt The Buddy ™ who is my guy dictionary and just spill my guts, basically like I've done here except more detail b/c he doesn't need as much context. He tells me I'm being completely ridiculous. I realize he is correct. I may never hear the end of this. (I've a bit of a reputation of being a bit emotion-less and stoic when it comes to personal drama, be it my own or others'. My cover is blown with Drew. I am human, complete with feelings and personal flakeyness and drama.)
I txt Josh, saying I'm done with class, did he still want to hang out or did he get busy. I figured that would give him an out if he wanted to take it. He txts back that he's still at his Grandpa's but he'll be leaving in an hour, was that still a good time for me?
So around 2200 I wandered over to Josh's, was briefly interrogated by his mum, who'd shown up about an hour previous, and we watched a movie and then like 11 episodes of increasingly pervertedly funny uncensored Who's Line Is It Anyway that Josh has on DVD. (His mum went to bed when we started the first movie)
We laughed soo hard. OMG SOO HARD. Our cheeks were hurting b/c we were grinning and laughing soo much.
So. personal (imagined) drama averted. successful social interaction with cute boy achieved.
The main problems I foresee if we continue becoming closer friends is that:
a.) I don't ever want to have this whole does he/doesn't he mean this or that drama ever again. I'm done. Seriously done with it.
b.) I don't want to be the only one instigating things. I've major cojones about some things. Interpersonal relationships are not one of those things. Almost every time we've hung out it's either been at my suggestion or El's suggestion (group things). I've always txted him first.
I don't mind doing my part of the "chasing", but I'm not brave enough to do all of it; nor do I want a relationship where I'm the dominant-in charge- super assertive partner. Josh is a middle child from a very quiet-ish laid-back family. I'm the eldest in a family that isn't afraid to show a bit of temper and vim and while I'm one of the quietest from my fam, I come by those cojones honestly.
The THREE COURSE MEAL he COOKED for me and my mum n dad notwithstanding, (coz Ang says I really need to remember that), I'd like it if he txted 1st next time. El says (b/c we have talked about him) he's very shy, but I do live in hope, maybe...
Yesterday, after the lovely 3 course lunch that Josh COOKED for me and my parents, some friends picked me up so we could go visit Great-Aunt Jules, who is none of ours' actual aunt, but they, Mere and Company, adopted her long long ago and when I was in high school she paid me to clean her house for her once a week so I had some spending money and I sorta adopted her too and now that she has Alzheimers and is in the nursing home (about 45 min away) they visit her at least 3+ times a month (roughly once a week) and they invite me along because I've come to love her too and she still remembers me most of the time. We spent Thanksgiving this last year with her and she loved it.
Anyway, Mere and her fam had invited me to go to Great-Aunt Jules place and then out to eat with the lot of them but Josh had already invited us over to his place (Josh and El's parents own a town house in our town that they use as a vacation home. Both sides of their extended families, including both sets of grandparents, live in our town. They come up pretty often.) so I went to Joshs', let him feed me, and then got picked up by Mere and her parents to go see Great-Aunt Jules. I couldn't really invite Josh b/c it's not really my Great (not)Aunt and I wasn't driving nor paying for supper.
My dad left, and Mere n Co came to get me before mum left. So when I left Josh's house my mum was still there talking the poor boys' ear off. About 20 min later I texted him saying "Is my mum still there bugging you?" and didn't get a reply. What ev.
Today, around 1400, he txts back: "huh?" Turns out his phone had died and he had just purchased a new charger and hooked it up and recieved my txt. I explained that that txt was from yesterday and we lol-ed and then I asked if he was doing anything today, and he had to go watch his grandpa for his aunt, b/c his grandpa wanders away a lot but he would be done later this evening. I txted back that we should hang out later, if he wanted, and watch movies/ play video games, would he want to? He txts back "Doesn't matter". direct quote.
This is when I lost my damn mind. "Doesn't matter". Doesn't matter in that 'yes come over but I don't want to seem too eager'? Doesn't matter in that 'I don't really want to hang out but you are my friends' sister and my sisters' good friend and it's not worth being rude even though you've sorta intruded on my vacation and have invited yourself to my house'? Doesn't matter as in "I dunno it doesn't really matter'?
AUGHHHHH.
I have 3 friends I talk to about boys. El, who is Josh's little sister and is therefore disqualified on grounds of I'd never live it down, Autumn, who didn't answer the txt I sent (because she'd turned off the ringer as it was keeping the new spawn awake), and Ang, who did. I call Ang, explaining the situation (we've talked about Josh before. She's pushing me to go for it.) and the convo drifts quite a bit and never really resolves the original concern. I feel better, and go to class.
After class I txt The Buddy ™ who is my guy dictionary and just spill my guts, basically like I've done here except more detail b/c he doesn't need as much context. He tells me I'm being completely ridiculous. I realize he is correct. I may never hear the end of this. (I've a bit of a reputation of being a bit emotion-less and stoic when it comes to personal drama, be it my own or others'. My cover is blown with Drew. I am human, complete with feelings and personal flakeyness and drama.)
I txt Josh, saying I'm done with class, did he still want to hang out or did he get busy. I figured that would give him an out if he wanted to take it. He txts back that he's still at his Grandpa's but he'll be leaving in an hour, was that still a good time for me?
So around 2200 I wandered over to Josh's, was briefly interrogated by his mum, who'd shown up about an hour previous, and we watched a movie and then like 11 episodes of increasingly pervertedly funny uncensored Who's Line Is It Anyway that Josh has on DVD. (His mum went to bed when we started the first movie)
We laughed soo hard. OMG SOO HARD. Our cheeks were hurting b/c we were grinning and laughing soo much.
So. personal (imagined) drama averted. successful social interaction with cute boy achieved.
The main problems I foresee if we continue becoming closer friends is that:
a.) I don't ever want to have this whole does he/doesn't he mean this or that drama ever again. I'm done. Seriously done with it.
b.) I don't want to be the only one instigating things. I've major cojones about some things. Interpersonal relationships are not one of those things. Almost every time we've hung out it's either been at my suggestion or El's suggestion (group things). I've always txted him first.
I don't mind doing my part of the "chasing", but I'm not brave enough to do all of it; nor do I want a relationship where I'm the dominant-in charge- super assertive partner. Josh is a middle child from a very quiet-ish laid-back family. I'm the eldest in a family that isn't afraid to show a bit of temper and vim and while I'm one of the quietest from my fam, I come by those cojones honestly.
The THREE COURSE MEAL he COOKED for me and my mum n dad notwithstanding, (coz Ang says I really need to remember that), I'd like it if he txted 1st next time. El says (b/c we have talked about him) he's very shy, but I do live in hope, maybe...