(no subject)
Its hard to believe I only have a few weeks left as a junior. weird. In lieu of sleeping, I figured I could be more productive with my time with an update. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much of note worth writing about. Classes as usual, with the sprinkling of lab reports throughout. Well the fact I have nothing to write isn't completely truthful. I guess I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately, about how much I've grown and changed as a person in the past year or so. Needless to say, circumstances beyond my control have changed substantially in the past year, namely in regards to my family. Lately, it's just been a lot to process. I think it's funny that people always joked about my family being like the Cleaver's on "Leave it to Beaver." At this point it couldn't be further from the truth. So many things have been happening within the family, almost like the end of one chapter in our book, and the start of a whole new dynamic. The Cleaver's didn't have to deal with coping with all of this from 300 miles away. I feel like if i was closer to home, a lot of these things would have sunk in more since I found out. It all feels like one big dream.
There are times when it feels like I'm more a witness to everything happening, but that I'm not really a part of it, but it still affects me nonetheless. At 300 miles away, there isn't much I can do but call home, visit when I can, and pray that soon I'll have this completely digested and picture our family as a stereotypically "normal" family. I feel like at this point it hits me at the most random times, almost like a grieving process, but its so hard to talk to anyone about it, because no one really knows what its like unless they've been there - not to mention the fact it is difficult anyway to talk about with people. Who do you tell? Is it a matter of who is worth telling - or is it more a matter of who NEEDS to know? I have no idea.
I try to keep most of what I'm feeling inside - I don't think it's important for people to know the every up and down of my emotions and thoughts. The big things I talk about, I need to. Or else it just wells up inside of me and festers into a nasty mass of feelings that will hit me for no apparent reason other than it could.
There are definitely days that hit me harder than others. Days where i feel like I'm in a grieving process, and days where I realize it's not just some dream I can snap my fingers and *poof* be awake. It has gotten so much more real in the past few days, and while it is a fantastic thing, don't get me wrong, it's just difficult to process everything that's going on.
All the memories I have from before this past year are so different than any of the memories I will have from now on. It will be the same family, but in a sense, it's a whole new one. Everything I grew up knowing has been shaken, and at times I feel it is really testing me as well. Everyone else can be close to what's going on. For me, each time I go home there is something radically different I find myself having to adjust to. Each time, things get that much more different, and I have to change my perceptions of 'normal' once again.
Sometimes this stuff is just easier to write out. Getting it out of my head will hopefully help me realize that yes, this is all happening. I just hope I can shift my mind, and convince myself that, yes, this will soon become a 'normal' family.
There are times when it feels like I'm more a witness to everything happening, but that I'm not really a part of it, but it still affects me nonetheless. At 300 miles away, there isn't much I can do but call home, visit when I can, and pray that soon I'll have this completely digested and picture our family as a stereotypically "normal" family. I feel like at this point it hits me at the most random times, almost like a grieving process, but its so hard to talk to anyone about it, because no one really knows what its like unless they've been there - not to mention the fact it is difficult anyway to talk about with people. Who do you tell? Is it a matter of who is worth telling - or is it more a matter of who NEEDS to know? I have no idea.
I try to keep most of what I'm feeling inside - I don't think it's important for people to know the every up and down of my emotions and thoughts. The big things I talk about, I need to. Or else it just wells up inside of me and festers into a nasty mass of feelings that will hit me for no apparent reason other than it could.
There are definitely days that hit me harder than others. Days where i feel like I'm in a grieving process, and days where I realize it's not just some dream I can snap my fingers and *poof* be awake. It has gotten so much more real in the past few days, and while it is a fantastic thing, don't get me wrong, it's just difficult to process everything that's going on.
All the memories I have from before this past year are so different than any of the memories I will have from now on. It will be the same family, but in a sense, it's a whole new one. Everything I grew up knowing has been shaken, and at times I feel it is really testing me as well. Everyone else can be close to what's going on. For me, each time I go home there is something radically different I find myself having to adjust to. Each time, things get that much more different, and I have to change my perceptions of 'normal' once again.
Sometimes this stuff is just easier to write out. Getting it out of my head will hopefully help me realize that yes, this is all happening. I just hope I can shift my mind, and convince myself that, yes, this will soon become a 'normal' family.