(no subject)
Know the expression 'Death is finite?' Seems to me like it's the gift that keeps on giving. My ex, Shawn, died officially on the 18th of December last year. But his heart stopped and it took around thirty minutes to revive him a few weeks before that. His doctor put him into a drug induced coma then, to keep him from damaging his heart anymore, and to move him to Hershey Medical center, where the cardiologists are. When they stopped the medication that was keeping him in the coma state he didn't come out. So a few scans and tests later they discovered that his brain had been deprived of oxygen for too long, and had almost no function. So really, he died right around this time last year.
It's been a year. And you would think that I would find it easier every day that puts distant between me and then, but it's not. It may be harder now. I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not calling people, and answering questions, and doing things for people anymore. He's just gone. And it's morbid and weird to talk about him to people that didn't know him. A lady at work today asked me if I had finished my Christmas shopping, and I told her I hadn't even started yet, and wasn't really feeling like the season. She asked me why, and I told her that my ex had died around this time last year. So then I had to tell her the story, and it totally bummed her out. Sometimes, I guess, it's best to lie, and say you're happy and enjoying yourself even when you're not.
I think the thing that has me the most down about Shawn is that I miss how my life was when he was around. He was hard to deal with at times, and it was right that we split up. But life was interesting when he was in it. I went places, and did things. Met people, talked to strangers, listened to music all the time. Oh, how I miss hearing people play.
So I'm going out tomorrow with Jay, Shawn's best friend, to hear the Valley Jazz Orchestra. He came to be one of my friends,too, though we really haven't seen much of each other since I left Shawn. It will nice to get out, and see old friends. It'll be nice to see Jay, too.
It's been a year. And you would think that I would find it easier every day that puts distant between me and then, but it's not. It may be harder now. I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not calling people, and answering questions, and doing things for people anymore. He's just gone. And it's morbid and weird to talk about him to people that didn't know him. A lady at work today asked me if I had finished my Christmas shopping, and I told her I hadn't even started yet, and wasn't really feeling like the season. She asked me why, and I told her that my ex had died around this time last year. So then I had to tell her the story, and it totally bummed her out. Sometimes, I guess, it's best to lie, and say you're happy and enjoying yourself even when you're not.
I think the thing that has me the most down about Shawn is that I miss how my life was when he was around. He was hard to deal with at times, and it was right that we split up. But life was interesting when he was in it. I went places, and did things. Met people, talked to strangers, listened to music all the time. Oh, how I miss hearing people play.
So I'm going out tomorrow with Jay, Shawn's best friend, to hear the Valley Jazz Orchestra. He came to be one of my friends,too, though we really haven't seen much of each other since I left Shawn. It will nice to get out, and see old friends. It'll be nice to see Jay, too.