5
In 5 years I will make an apology. This apology is to you, one who will never see this. One who may not even know that there is an apology to make. In 5 years nothing I will have done in the 11 years before that will have mattered. My life will be entirely in you hands. In 5 years I may be imprisoned. In 5 years I may find redemption. For only you can give it to me. 11, including us, know. Within a week, that number will be 13. Unlucky, they say. But I believe that I have no luck in this case. In 5 years, I will beg for atonement, for some way to make you see as I did. Make no mistake, what I did was evil. Pure evil. And I will accept your judgement. In 5 years, my life will change.
Do any of you understand what true self-loathing is? I am sure some do. To look in a mirror and see someone who represents everything you hate. Do you disgust yourself with little habits that you cannot undo?
I do not wish for death. I have life, and I wish to keep it. But if I leave here tommorrow, what happens to all of you? I have spent my whole life running. What is a little more? Because I can run faster than you.
Can I stop caring? Can I harden my heart and close my eyes? Can I leave you all behind and go beyond my own reality? Can I transcend this emptiness and become more than I am? Or more importantly, can I do this without faith? Can I do this alone?
Yes. I can stop caring. I can stop looking and listening. I can walk away. I can improve.
But I cannot believe. I cannot trust. I cannot.
And this emptiness. This loss. It is all I have ever known. I always lose. I am always alone. I find myself at the brink of what may be the final answer, and I see that I am afraid to love. I love love, but it scares me.
Death and the dark I do not fear. And I once believed that all I feared was fear. I fear love. I cannot live without loving someone, but to be loved back is too much. I can never believe it is real. I can never trust. I can never LET GO.
There are no heroes. And I have no future.
We are born incomplete. Each one of us has a hole in our hearts and we need someone to fill it. And they, in turn, need us.
I will escape and the chains of my past will shatter as glass.
I will love and darkness in me will slither into the void.
I will scream, and the walls of my sanity will come tumblin' down.
I will fight and my arms will break from the ruin.
I will sing and my voice will fill the air with one final gasp.
Valar morghulis
All men must die.
In 5 years, my life ends.
Do any of you understand what true self-loathing is? I am sure some do. To look in a mirror and see someone who represents everything you hate. Do you disgust yourself with little habits that you cannot undo?
I do not wish for death. I have life, and I wish to keep it. But if I leave here tommorrow, what happens to all of you? I have spent my whole life running. What is a little more? Because I can run faster than you.
Can I stop caring? Can I harden my heart and close my eyes? Can I leave you all behind and go beyond my own reality? Can I transcend this emptiness and become more than I am? Or more importantly, can I do this without faith? Can I do this alone?
Yes. I can stop caring. I can stop looking and listening. I can walk away. I can improve.
But I cannot believe. I cannot trust. I cannot.
And this emptiness. This loss. It is all I have ever known. I always lose. I am always alone. I find myself at the brink of what may be the final answer, and I see that I am afraid to love. I love love, but it scares me.
Death and the dark I do not fear. And I once believed that all I feared was fear. I fear love. I cannot live without loving someone, but to be loved back is too much. I can never believe it is real. I can never trust. I can never LET GO.
There are no heroes. And I have no future.
We are born incomplete. Each one of us has a hole in our hearts and we need someone to fill it. And they, in turn, need us.
I will escape and the chains of my past will shatter as glass.
I will love and darkness in me will slither into the void.
I will scream, and the walls of my sanity will come tumblin' down.
I will fight and my arms will break from the ruin.
I will sing and my voice will fill the air with one final gasp.
Valar morghulis
All men must die.
In 5 years, my life ends.