bbc merlin| As a forgotten continent (Part 4/b)
Merlin spends the night awake. Lance offered to sleep of the floor but Merlin said that there was no reason at all for him to do that, so they ended up sleeping in Lance’s bed.
Merlin glances at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It says that it’s 2 o’ clock in the morning. He sighs and tries to move closer to the edge of the bed. He can feel the heat radiating from Lance from where he lays behind him. He turns slightly to look at him. In the pale light of the street lamp in front of the window he takes in Lance’s features. He seems younger when he sleeps. His hair fall in soft curls over his forehead.
Merlin can’t stop himself from gently passing a hand through his hair. It feels so different from Arthur’s but it’s warm and it’s real. Merlin suppresses a chuckle at the small sound that escapes Lance’s lips.
When he opens his eyes he is alone in the room. Probably Lance has gone to class without waking him up to make him rest. Merlin feels a wave of warmth at the idea that the other boy truly cares about him. He wishes that he could abandon himself to this, whatever it is.
During the years he has tried to go back on the tracks of what others called normalcy, but when he failed he found that he didn’t really want to. What he wanted was Arthur, every cell of his body, every curve of his thoughts wanted him. But now…now he is growing and the world won’t wait, wont’ be merciful, he knows that.
*
One month rolled after the other. Merlin hadn’t answer to Arthur’s email. He hadn’t know what to write. He went back home for the holidays.
One night at the beginning of July he went out with Arthur and Gwen. They went to a small pub in Islington. Merlin thought that Gwen was lovely; her smile was big and warm and she treated him as a friend. Merlin found it easy to smile at her and he felt as if he had just had a déjà-vu; as if he had already known what it meant to be friends with Gwen. He fell silent for a while, once again trying to sort out his feelings of familiarity for things that were unknown to him.
It was Arthur’s hand on his arm to bring him back to reality. He backed away instinctively and the impact against the back of the chair knocked the air out of his lungs. Arthur had a weird expression on his face, halfway between worry and hurt. Merlin quickly focused his gaze on the table and mumbled an apology.
Arthur left to visit Gwen back at her hometown. Merlin decided that he hated to spend his days in a half empty room because Morgana was in France with her parents. He took the train and went to Gaius’.
It was the first time that he went there alone and during the train ride he tried hard not to remember the last time that he had gone to Gaius’, with Arthur sitting by his side. He liked Gwen, he truly did, but he couldn’t deny that it had been unsettling to have in front of his eyes the proof that he was not the one to be with Arthur.
He spent every moment of his day with Gaius. He liked to be with the old man, he felt safe in the small world made by walks in the woods and Arthurian legends. Sometimes though he couldn’t help but get lost in his thoughts; thoughts made up of dreams and desires. He thought about Arthur and Lance. Gaius probably had noticed that there was something lurking under the surface because he was particularly careful not to ask too many questions about his brother.
Merlin was grateful for that because he had been feeling the buzz intensify since when he had come back from Cardiff. He knew that it was because of Arthur, it had always been about him. But it was somehow changing, not only in its intensity. It was as if it had expanded, surging inside of him also on other occasions. For example when he and Gaius had been in the woods Gaius had tripped and Merlin had leant forward just in time to grab the old man. It had been as if something had surged from his insides. It had been something strong and real. Merlin was afraid, but something kept him from telling Gaius. It was as if he was guarding a secret.
Gaius had decided just to observe. He had always known Merlin well since the times of Albion. He had found him again in most of their lifetimes. But every time he had waited patiently for the moment when Merlin would remember on his own, would realise who he truly was.
Every time it happened at a different age, but usually it had been when Merlin had been in his twenties. Sometimes the magic would come back with the memories and sometimes not. Arthur did not always remembered during his lifetimes. It was rare but it had happened and those few times Merlin had always decided to remain silent. Even if it was hard he preferred to keep it all for himself because he valued more to have a happy Arthur by his side than to share his new found memories, because he couldn’t foresee the consequences.
Most of the times, though, they both remembered at a certain point. But it had never been like that; difficult as it was in the current lifetime.
Gaius observed Merlin, the way he was lost in his thoughts now and then, but he decided not to press too much.
Then one day he realised that probably things were on the verge of changing. They had been walking when he had tripped over a stone. Merlin had grabbed him just in time and Gaius had clearly felt it, the wave of energy flowing out from Merlin, it almost set his skin on fire where Merlin’s fingers pressed.
He accompanied Merlin to the train station and remained on the bench for a while after the train had disappeared. He looked up at the clear sky through the cables. He had the sensation that the next time he would see Merlin the boy would have remembered it all. He hoped that destiny could be merciful, that the connection between him and Arthur could be strong enough to make them overcome the huge wall that they had between them in the current lifetime.
Arthur goes to pick up Merlin at the train station. As he drives there he replays in his mind the weeks which he has spent with Gwen; to glue himself to reality. He fills himself up with memories of long mornings spent walking around Canterbury, of days spent at the seaside in Westgate-on-Sea. It has felt as if they were in a parallel world where they had all the time that they wanted.
Arthur waits in the hall. He distracts himself observing the people walking all around. He thinks that it’s incredible how many lives entwine in a station. The moment he realises what he has thought he has to smile at himself, because Merlin’s influence has probably reached deeper than he has ever expected, even if they no longer share everything with each other.
He turns to his left and spots Merlin in front of the flower shop. He is leaning over the handle of his suitcase and has his omnipresent headphones in his ears. Arthur doesn’t even try to suppress the wave of affection which rises inside of him.
“Merlin!”
Probably the music is too high. Arthur smirks and walks towards him. Merlin is looking right in front of him and Arthur manages to sneak up behind him and to tug at his right headphone. Merlin turns- his eyes wide- and Arthur chuckles.
“You idiot!”
“Why, hello, Merlin!”
Arthur looks as his brother’s lips as they quirk up into a smirk.
*
It’s nice to spend time with Merlin. It still isn’t as it used to be, probably it never will again. But it’s good to lay with him in the garden listening to him as he reads the books which Gaius has given him. He asks Merlin about university, about Morgana. Merlin replies, he sounds guarded but Arthur is just happy to be able to know a bit more about Merlin’s life.
When Merlin leaves for Cardiff with Morgana at the beginning of September Arthur decides that he can’t go on running away. He sits at his desk and writes.
To: merlin_blue@gmail.com
From: arthur_gold@gmail.com
Subject: To my brother
I just thought to wish you good luck for this term. It was nice to spend a bit of time with you.
I’ll try to write to you more often. I promise.
A.
---
“Far, far away in a land that time can’t change.”
Chapter 12- Of pieces of chalk
When they’re back at the campus Merlin heads towards his room after having promised Morgana that they would have dinner together. He stops in front of his door and he can feel a wide smile spread on his face. A post-it looks at him from where it has been hung to the door.
“Welcome back! L.”
Merlin takes the post-it and pushes his room’s door open. He leaves the small piece of paper on the nightstand and feels bubbles in his stomach. He bites his lower lip. This is something which is somehow new to him. He has never felt like this for anyone except for Arthur.
At first when he sees that he has received an email from his brother he hesitates. He has accepted how things are, but the memory of the tears and of that something inside of him trying to rebel to the idea of Arthur being with someone else is still too fresh. He closes his eyes. When he opens them again he clicks the email open.
It feels good after a long time, as it has felt good to share a bit of his time with Arthur before leaving. He passes a hand through his hair thinking about an answer. It’s weird how he is studying creative writing and yet he has problems when he has to communicate with his brother.
From: merlin_blue@gmail.com
To: arthur_gold@gmail.com
Subject: Re.: To my brother
It was nice to find an email from you in my inbox. It did me good to be able to share something with you again. I missed that.
Good luck with everything. And remember that a promise is a promise! Indeed you shall come to visit me sometimes.
M.
---
“I never confused what I had for what I was.” (J.S.Foer)
*
When it happens Merlin feels as if it has already been written. It happens slowly, though.
It all begins with Merlin leaving a small note on Lance’s door. It just says “Thanks. M.”
It’s just few days after that he manages to meet Lance. He is in the library trying to find a book which he needs for his history curse. He is focused on the spines of the books lined in front of him. When a hand lands on his shoulder he doesn’t even feel the need to turn, he simply knows who’s standing behind him. He smiles at the spine of “War and peace in ancient and medieval history”.
Lance hugs him and Merlin finds that he truly likes this, the way Lance is open about his feelings, the way he shows them proudly and doesn’t hide them.
From then on they spend the most of their free time together. Lance shows him around Cardiff on late September sunny days. Merlin finds out that Lance has some sort of fascination for the sea and they often end up at Cardiff’s Bay, staring at the shining plate of the water.
When Lance leans over the small table they’ve been sitting at Merlin meets him halfway. Is a chaste and tender kiss. It has the taste of something waited for.
What Merlin likes the most about being with Lance is that there’s no need to hide anything. Maybe Lance doesn’t reach the bottom of his soul as Arthur had, doesn’t ignite every fibre of his being as his brother has been and probably still is able to do, but he makes Merlin happy. Lance is able to make him smile every day, with his small gestures and gentle words.
Lance is the second person to make love to Merlin in his whole life. It makes Merlin anxious at first, because with Arthur he didn’t feel exposed; Arthur had known him since when he was smaller than a doll. It’s not like that with Lance.
But then Merlin relaxes under Lance’s hands and lips. He almost feels the urge to cry as Lance enters him, because it feels good to be so moved and to feel so complete with a person who can be his without the world vetoing it.
They fall asleep pressed together in Merlin’s bed but when Merlin wakes up in the morning he is alone. He rubs the sleep off his eyes and sits up. There’s another piece of paper on the nightstand.
“Sorry I had classes early this morning. I didn’t want to wake you up. I’ll see you at lunch.
I already miss you. L.”
Merlin sighs contently and sinks under the blankets again.
That evening Lance appears at his door holding a small package. Merlin quirks an eyebrow.
“What…What is this for?”
Lance’ laugh is one of the most transparent things Merlin has ever heard.
“It’s a present for you.”
Lance hands him the packet and presses a kiss to his forehead. Merlin sits on the bed and unwraps it. He runs his fingers over the small blackboard, there are also some coloured pieces of chalk. He looks at Lance who’s studying the photograph of Arthur and him. He clears his throat and Lance turns.
“So, do you like it? I thought that it would be better to leave messages for you there instead that wasting tons of paper.”
Merlin doesn’t know if he is smiling because of the sweetness of the thought or because what Lance said means that he wants to continue with their relationship. But in the end, the reason doesn’t really matter, so he stands up, laces his arms around Lance’s neck and kisses him. Part 4/c
Merlin glances at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It says that it’s 2 o’ clock in the morning. He sighs and tries to move closer to the edge of the bed. He can feel the heat radiating from Lance from where he lays behind him. He turns slightly to look at him. In the pale light of the street lamp in front of the window he takes in Lance’s features. He seems younger when he sleeps. His hair fall in soft curls over his forehead.
Merlin can’t stop himself from gently passing a hand through his hair. It feels so different from Arthur’s but it’s warm and it’s real. Merlin suppresses a chuckle at the small sound that escapes Lance’s lips.
When he opens his eyes he is alone in the room. Probably Lance has gone to class without waking him up to make him rest. Merlin feels a wave of warmth at the idea that the other boy truly cares about him. He wishes that he could abandon himself to this, whatever it is.
During the years he has tried to go back on the tracks of what others called normalcy, but when he failed he found that he didn’t really want to. What he wanted was Arthur, every cell of his body, every curve of his thoughts wanted him. But now…now he is growing and the world won’t wait, wont’ be merciful, he knows that.
*
One month rolled after the other. Merlin hadn’t answer to Arthur’s email. He hadn’t know what to write. He went back home for the holidays.
One night at the beginning of July he went out with Arthur and Gwen. They went to a small pub in Islington. Merlin thought that Gwen was lovely; her smile was big and warm and she treated him as a friend. Merlin found it easy to smile at her and he felt as if he had just had a déjà-vu; as if he had already known what it meant to be friends with Gwen. He fell silent for a while, once again trying to sort out his feelings of familiarity for things that were unknown to him.
It was Arthur’s hand on his arm to bring him back to reality. He backed away instinctively and the impact against the back of the chair knocked the air out of his lungs. Arthur had a weird expression on his face, halfway between worry and hurt. Merlin quickly focused his gaze on the table and mumbled an apology.
Arthur left to visit Gwen back at her hometown. Merlin decided that he hated to spend his days in a half empty room because Morgana was in France with her parents. He took the train and went to Gaius’.
It was the first time that he went there alone and during the train ride he tried hard not to remember the last time that he had gone to Gaius’, with Arthur sitting by his side. He liked Gwen, he truly did, but he couldn’t deny that it had been unsettling to have in front of his eyes the proof that he was not the one to be with Arthur.
He spent every moment of his day with Gaius. He liked to be with the old man, he felt safe in the small world made by walks in the woods and Arthurian legends. Sometimes though he couldn’t help but get lost in his thoughts; thoughts made up of dreams and desires. He thought about Arthur and Lance. Gaius probably had noticed that there was something lurking under the surface because he was particularly careful not to ask too many questions about his brother.
Merlin was grateful for that because he had been feeling the buzz intensify since when he had come back from Cardiff. He knew that it was because of Arthur, it had always been about him. But it was somehow changing, not only in its intensity. It was as if it had expanded, surging inside of him also on other occasions. For example when he and Gaius had been in the woods Gaius had tripped and Merlin had leant forward just in time to grab the old man. It had been as if something had surged from his insides. It had been something strong and real. Merlin was afraid, but something kept him from telling Gaius. It was as if he was guarding a secret.
Gaius had decided just to observe. He had always known Merlin well since the times of Albion. He had found him again in most of their lifetimes. But every time he had waited patiently for the moment when Merlin would remember on his own, would realise who he truly was.
Every time it happened at a different age, but usually it had been when Merlin had been in his twenties. Sometimes the magic would come back with the memories and sometimes not. Arthur did not always remembered during his lifetimes. It was rare but it had happened and those few times Merlin had always decided to remain silent. Even if it was hard he preferred to keep it all for himself because he valued more to have a happy Arthur by his side than to share his new found memories, because he couldn’t foresee the consequences.
Most of the times, though, they both remembered at a certain point. But it had never been like that; difficult as it was in the current lifetime.
Gaius observed Merlin, the way he was lost in his thoughts now and then, but he decided not to press too much.
Then one day he realised that probably things were on the verge of changing. They had been walking when he had tripped over a stone. Merlin had grabbed him just in time and Gaius had clearly felt it, the wave of energy flowing out from Merlin, it almost set his skin on fire where Merlin’s fingers pressed.
He accompanied Merlin to the train station and remained on the bench for a while after the train had disappeared. He looked up at the clear sky through the cables. He had the sensation that the next time he would see Merlin the boy would have remembered it all. He hoped that destiny could be merciful, that the connection between him and Arthur could be strong enough to make them overcome the huge wall that they had between them in the current lifetime.
Arthur goes to pick up Merlin at the train station. As he drives there he replays in his mind the weeks which he has spent with Gwen; to glue himself to reality. He fills himself up with memories of long mornings spent walking around Canterbury, of days spent at the seaside in Westgate-on-Sea. It has felt as if they were in a parallel world where they had all the time that they wanted.
Arthur waits in the hall. He distracts himself observing the people walking all around. He thinks that it’s incredible how many lives entwine in a station. The moment he realises what he has thought he has to smile at himself, because Merlin’s influence has probably reached deeper than he has ever expected, even if they no longer share everything with each other.
He turns to his left and spots Merlin in front of the flower shop. He is leaning over the handle of his suitcase and has his omnipresent headphones in his ears. Arthur doesn’t even try to suppress the wave of affection which rises inside of him.
“Merlin!”
Probably the music is too high. Arthur smirks and walks towards him. Merlin is looking right in front of him and Arthur manages to sneak up behind him and to tug at his right headphone. Merlin turns- his eyes wide- and Arthur chuckles.
“You idiot!”
“Why, hello, Merlin!”
Arthur looks as his brother’s lips as they quirk up into a smirk.
*
It’s nice to spend time with Merlin. It still isn’t as it used to be, probably it never will again. But it’s good to lay with him in the garden listening to him as he reads the books which Gaius has given him. He asks Merlin about university, about Morgana. Merlin replies, he sounds guarded but Arthur is just happy to be able to know a bit more about Merlin’s life.
When Merlin leaves for Cardiff with Morgana at the beginning of September Arthur decides that he can’t go on running away. He sits at his desk and writes.
To: merlin_blue@gmail.com
From: arthur_gold@gmail.com
Subject: To my brother
I just thought to wish you good luck for this term. It was nice to spend a bit of time with you.
I’ll try to write to you more often. I promise.
A.
---
“Far, far away in a land that time can’t change.”
Chapter 12- Of pieces of chalk
When they’re back at the campus Merlin heads towards his room after having promised Morgana that they would have dinner together. He stops in front of his door and he can feel a wide smile spread on his face. A post-it looks at him from where it has been hung to the door.
“Welcome back! L.”
Merlin takes the post-it and pushes his room’s door open. He leaves the small piece of paper on the nightstand and feels bubbles in his stomach. He bites his lower lip. This is something which is somehow new to him. He has never felt like this for anyone except for Arthur.
At first when he sees that he has received an email from his brother he hesitates. He has accepted how things are, but the memory of the tears and of that something inside of him trying to rebel to the idea of Arthur being with someone else is still too fresh. He closes his eyes. When he opens them again he clicks the email open.
It feels good after a long time, as it has felt good to share a bit of his time with Arthur before leaving. He passes a hand through his hair thinking about an answer. It’s weird how he is studying creative writing and yet he has problems when he has to communicate with his brother.
From: merlin_blue@gmail.com
To: arthur_gold@gmail.com
Subject: Re.: To my brother
It was nice to find an email from you in my inbox. It did me good to be able to share something with you again. I missed that.
Good luck with everything. And remember that a promise is a promise! Indeed you shall come to visit me sometimes.
M.
---
“I never confused what I had for what I was.” (J.S.Foer)
*
When it happens Merlin feels as if it has already been written. It happens slowly, though.
It all begins with Merlin leaving a small note on Lance’s door. It just says “Thanks. M.”
It’s just few days after that he manages to meet Lance. He is in the library trying to find a book which he needs for his history curse. He is focused on the spines of the books lined in front of him. When a hand lands on his shoulder he doesn’t even feel the need to turn, he simply knows who’s standing behind him. He smiles at the spine of “War and peace in ancient and medieval history”.
Lance hugs him and Merlin finds that he truly likes this, the way Lance is open about his feelings, the way he shows them proudly and doesn’t hide them.
From then on they spend the most of their free time together. Lance shows him around Cardiff on late September sunny days. Merlin finds out that Lance has some sort of fascination for the sea and they often end up at Cardiff’s Bay, staring at the shining plate of the water.
When Lance leans over the small table they’ve been sitting at Merlin meets him halfway. Is a chaste and tender kiss. It has the taste of something waited for.
What Merlin likes the most about being with Lance is that there’s no need to hide anything. Maybe Lance doesn’t reach the bottom of his soul as Arthur had, doesn’t ignite every fibre of his being as his brother has been and probably still is able to do, but he makes Merlin happy. Lance is able to make him smile every day, with his small gestures and gentle words.
Lance is the second person to make love to Merlin in his whole life. It makes Merlin anxious at first, because with Arthur he didn’t feel exposed; Arthur had known him since when he was smaller than a doll. It’s not like that with Lance.
But then Merlin relaxes under Lance’s hands and lips. He almost feels the urge to cry as Lance enters him, because it feels good to be so moved and to feel so complete with a person who can be his without the world vetoing it.
They fall asleep pressed together in Merlin’s bed but when Merlin wakes up in the morning he is alone. He rubs the sleep off his eyes and sits up. There’s another piece of paper on the nightstand.
“Sorry I had classes early this morning. I didn’t want to wake you up. I’ll see you at lunch.
I already miss you. L.”
Merlin sighs contently and sinks under the blankets again.
That evening Lance appears at his door holding a small package. Merlin quirks an eyebrow.
“What…What is this for?”
Lance’ laugh is one of the most transparent things Merlin has ever heard.
“It’s a present for you.”
Lance hands him the packet and presses a kiss to his forehead. Merlin sits on the bed and unwraps it. He runs his fingers over the small blackboard, there are also some coloured pieces of chalk. He looks at Lance who’s studying the photograph of Arthur and him. He clears his throat and Lance turns.
“So, do you like it? I thought that it would be better to leave messages for you there instead that wasting tons of paper.”
Merlin doesn’t know if he is smiling because of the sweetness of the thought or because what Lance said means that he wants to continue with their relationship. But in the end, the reason doesn’t really matter, so he stands up, laces his arms around Lance’s neck and kisses him. Part 4/c