bbc merlin| As a forgotten continent (Part 4/a)
The present…
Now we're back to the beginning It's just a feeling and no one knows yet But just because they can't feel it too Doesn't mean that you have to forget Let your memories grow stronger and stronger 'Til they're before your eyes
The Call- Regina Spektor
Part 4
Chapter 9- Of surprises at the bottom of cardboard boxes
Merlin cracks his eyes open at the sound of Morgana’s voice.
“Oh, c’mon you lazy thing! We’re going to be late!”
The room is filled by the pale light of first December mornings. There are still cardboard boxes around the room. He hasn’t had the strength to unpack them. He decided that he needed some time far away from old photos, old books. The idea of having them here makes him feel tied down, as he felt the day his parents accompanied him to Cardiff.
*
They had left the house early. Arthur was awake in the bed which they had shared that night. Merlin hadn’t known what to say. Arthur had simply grabbed his hand and pulled him closer in order to hug him.
For an instant Merlin had felt as if he had been teleported somewhere else. He was in a stable, Arthur had just finished helping him to put his chainmail on. Then he had quickly hugged him. They didn’t know if they were going to see each other after the fight. Merlin felt warm as the sensation of Arthur’s body against his own covered him like a blanket.
Merlin had opened his mouth as he found out that it had become difficult to breath. He wished he could tell Arthur about the things he saw but it made no sense to create new bridges when he simply had to go.
The first days, even weeks, had been hard. He felt constantly out of focus, like a demagnetized compass. He knew that it was stupid but he had Losing touch on loop in his I-pod. He truly felt like a vagabond, his heart was, because it couldn’t go back to where it had felt so safe.
*
Merlin presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids. Then he gets up and tries to locate a pair of clean trousers in the mess which his room floor is. Morgana stands with her arms crossed over her chest. She has become so much like a sister over the years. Merlin chuckles at the thought and earns a flying pillow which hits him square on the head.
“What’s so funny about being late to modern literature class?”
Merlin fishes a striped pullover and puts it on. He grabs his blue coat as he dashes out of the room following Morgana. Outside the air is cold against his cheeks which are still warm from sleep. The sky up above is almost white. Merlin thinks that it is probably going to snow soon. When he was in high school, he and Arthur used to not to go to school when it snowed. They simply wandered around. Arthur would stick out his tongue to taste the snow.
Merlin shakes his head in the chilly air. Things have been going better in his head. He has made peace with his dreams. He knows it is because his bond with Arthur is silent, it doesn’t buzz and pulse how it used to.
It makes him nostalgic now and then. When it happens he simply sits on his bed, his head leaned against the wall and lets the music soak into him, until loss and want become a single heavy little stone in the middle of his chest and he buries it once again.
He sits beside Morgana and lets his eyes wander around the class. It’s weird how he and Morgana have managed to live their first months of university almost as a single entity. They have always been enough for each other, not really needing someone new to be around. And well Arthur is still lurking under his thoughts, along his veins and Merlin feels as if his heart is always too full. There hasn’t been space for anyone else.
Sometimes he feels stupid because of it, because he has tied his own wings. But it’s not as if he has a choice; his heart simply doesn’t answer to anyone else.
That’s why it takes him by surprise to realise that during literature class his eyes keep going in the same direction, slipping over the features of a guy sitting in the front row. Every time that Merlin realises that he is looking at the curly hair and smooth features he forces himself to focus on his notebook and on the words of the professor.
When the lesson ends Morgana leans towards him; a smirk on her lips.
“So…it seems that little Merlin has found something nice?”
Merlin can feel his whole face become hotter. It’s not as if it’s possible for him to like someone else with this longing for Arthur still deeply rooted inside his heart.
“W-What?”
Morgana laughs, and this time it is gentler, as if she is trying to take him by the hand and show him that there are other people in the world, people who could make him happy. Merlin passes a hand through his unruly hair.
*
It’s a couple of weeks later, just few days away from the beginning of the Christmas holidays. Merlin is sitting in the library. Your ex-lover is dead is pouring into his ears and lulling his brain while he is supposed to focus on a research paper. His thoughts keep running ahead along with the notes. He has been staring at the same page for something like three minutes when someone puts a pile of books on the desk. He lifts his gaze expecting to find Morgana and instead he meets a pair of chocolate-brown eyes.
He has the sensation that he has already looked into those eyes, he has the sensation that the butterflies spinning around in his stomach aren’t something new.
“Hey. Sorry if I disturbed you.”
Merlin blinks and takes off the headphones. His lips seem glued together.
The boy smiles gently and extends his hand over the books.
“I’m Lancelot.”
Merlin thinks that he totally seems to have come out of a fantasy book. Just like Arthur.
“Hi. I’m Merlin.”
He smiles and hopes that he doesn’t seem too dumb.
*
He begins to hang out with Lance in the library and around campus. He introduces him to Morgana.
When he has to take the train to go back to London Lance accompanies him to the station. Merlin shuffles his shoes against the concrete of the platform. Lance gives him his phone number and hugs him. Merlin thinks that it’s nice to be hugged like that, without worries or barriers. He lingers in Lance’s arms a bit more that he has planned.
*
He gets off the train at Victoria Station and his parents are there waiting for him. Hunith hugs him and for the first time in months Merlin thinks that being back home isn’t so bad in the end. During the car ride he looks out of the window; trying to keep the buzzing which has come back again under control. It’s as if his inner energy is going wild. He probably has to call Gaius and speak to him about it. He knows, though, that it is because he is going to see Arthur.
They haven’t spoken to each other during the last months, just a few texts and a call which Merlin made for Arthur’s birthday.
Merlin takes a deep breath and leans back against the seat trying to focus on the storm of questions which his mother is asking.
Arthur opens the door and lets their parents step inside. Then there are only the two of them facing each other on the front steps. Merlin can feel Arthur’s whole being drawing him in, like a magnet. He swallows.
“Hey.”
He flashes a tentative smile and watches expectantly as the defences which Arthur has built around himself during the months they’ve spent apart crack open. He can’t deny that he still thinks that his brother’s smile is one of the most beautiful things on Earth.
Day after day, as the Christmas holidays stretch in front of them Arthur realises how much he has missed Merlin, how much he has tricked himself into thinking that he wasn’t missing him.
He wanted to call him so many times, but he always managed to keep that urge under control. He was too proud and he cared too much.
He can’t deny that he follows Merlin with his gaze wherever he goes. Merlin smiles at him but keeps the distance. Probably he doesn’t trust his own control over his emotions. Arthur can totally understand the feeling.
He finds himself letting his eyes slide along Merlin’s bony shoulders and along his spine. He finds himself wanting to know everything about his life in Cardiff, but not having the courage to ask.
*
New Year’s Eve passes in a blur of lights and shouts and Merlin’s eyes so big and shiny as he laughs with Morgana. It passes leaving behind the regret of not having grabbed Merlin by those wing-like shoulders and kissed him.
The house of his friend Gwen is filled with people, they are all smiling and Arthur joins in, but it’s as if a portion of his mind and of his heart never manages to leave Merlin. And when his younger brother answers a phone call with a particular shade of smile on his lips Arthur feels a pang of jealousy. He drinks more to make it all go away, to make it drown in the dizziness.
He dreams of a snowy night and of the castle which is so often in his dreams. He dreams to be a king on the last night of the year. He dreams of looking out at the snowy dark sky with Merlin whispering words in some unknown language by his side; his long fingers entwined with his own.
The morning after, Arthur wakes up sprawled on Gwen’s sofa. His head hurts as the light seems to be trying to cut holes into his head. He spots Merlin. He is lying on his back on the floor. His pullover has raised during the night and a small portion of milky skin is exposed in the morning light. His hair are a black mess and his chest rises and falls following the rhythm of some dream. Arthur wonders if Merlin still has those weird dreams that he used to have when he was smaller. He wonders if their connection is still strong enough to make them share their dreams like when they were kids. He shakes his head and tries to walk straight to reach the bathroom.
He is splashing his face with some cold water, sending half of it on his shirt, when the door opens behind his back. He doesn’t even have to turn. By the way his body answers on his own he knows that it’s Merlin. The way his spine prickles tells him that. Merlin nudges him and Arthur moves to the side.
Droplets of water get caught in Merlin’s long eyelashes. Arthur smiles and his younger brother blushes.
“I’ve missed you.”
He lets it drop like that over the white tiles of Gwen’s bathroom. Merlin looks at him with such worry in his eyes that Arthur blurts out a: “I…I don’t mean anything by it. Just you’re my brother…”
At that Merlin relaxes and flashes him a shy smile.
“I’ve missed you too, Arthur.”
*
A few days before Merlin has to leave for Cardiff again, Arthur asks him if he wants to take a walk. Merlin agrees. They take the tube up to Camden. Arthur knows that Merlin loves the place and it’s his way to tell him that he respects his choice but he doesn’t forget, he doesn’t forget to put Merlin at the centre of his world.
They walk around, going from stand to stand. Merlin talks; a river of words and of smiles. Arthur doesn’t want him to go back. He knows that it’s selfish but he hates the idea of Merlin being able to have a life which doesn’t have a special space for him in it. He looks at Merlin’s long fingers as they brush against clothes and hover above old clocks and books.
They’re heading back towards the tube station when Merlin’s mobile phone buzzes in his pocket. Arthur eyes the soft smile that stretches his brother’s lips. He tries not to listen to the conversation, because the way Merlin says hello makes his stomach twist.
When they sit side by side on the tube he clears his throat and tries to sound the more casual that he can manage.
“So, who was at the phone?”
He watches as a light flush paints Merlin’s cheeks and wishes that he could just wipe it off.
“Uhm…a friend from university.”
Merlin shrugs and Arthur closes his hands into fists inside his pockets.
“A girl?”
He tries to smirk hoping that it works. Merlin looks at his Converse.
“No…he is a boy.”
Arthur’s heart sinks deeper than he ever thought it could.
*
The day Merlin leaves he hugs him on the front door and tries not to think about who’s going to hug him when he will be back in Cardiff.
Merlin sits by the window. He turns the music on hoping that it will wipe away the longing and the feeling of guilt. He bites his lower lip hard. He knows that Arthur probably thinks that he is seeing someone. He has been the one to make his brother believe it.
He closes his eyes and tries to convince himself that he is not trying to hold onto Lance like a life preserver to avoid drowning in the huge mystery that his affection for Arthur is.
He falls asleep, cradled by the rolling of the train. He wakes up when the train is pulling into the station. He doesn’t remember what he has dreamt of, but he can feel a solid weight at the bottom of his stomach and the desire to go back to where he was, the sensation that if he could it will all be better.
*
He is unpacking his sack when someone knocks at the door. He pads over and smirks imagining Morgana carrying a bottle of Bayles as always when they have been apart for a while and she needs an update.
His knees seems to give off under his weight as he opens the door and sees Lance standing in the corridor.
“Hey, there.”
Merlin can feel his ears grow hotter.
“H-Hi.”
Lance smiles and Merlin tries not to compare his smile to Arthur’s.
“I thought to stop by, can I come in?”
He waves two bottles of beer in front of Merlin’s face. Merlin grins and steps aside.
*
Merlin wakes the morning after with his heart light at the memory of the nice evening he has spent chatting with Lance. He finds himself hoping that maybe this is the right time for things to change, but then his eyes travel right to the photo of him and Arthur which he keeps on the chest of drawers.
Chapter 10- Of wounds
It’s snowing outside. Thick snowflakes filling the air. Merlin looks as his breath forms small clouds in front of his nose. Lance chuckles by his side and sticks out his tongue to catch the snow. Merlin pushes down the memory of a child Arthur looking the same and leans a bit against his friend.
They stumble into Lance’s room with their noses half frozen. Lance wanders off to the coffee machine nearby. Merlin sits on Lance’s bed and stretches his legs in front of himself. He takes a look at the books abandoned on the nightstand. He smiles as he spots a couple of books about Arthurian legends.
When Lance comes back he hands a cartoon cup to Merlin and types away on his pc looking for “the right music” as he calls it. He smirks at the computer screen and Merlin quirks an eyebrow. Then he can’t help but smile as the first notes of Nannou by Aphex Twin twirl in the room. He likes the way Lance’s tastes match his own, the way they can share all the small things which make them both happy.
“Oh check this book out, I saw it at the library the other day.”
Lance passes him a book and Merlin opens it on his legs. Lance sits by his side and looks at the pages with him; his hair brushes against Merlin’s cheek.
Merlin tries to focus on the words, tries to tune off the sound of Lance breath. Then all of sudden the memory of Arthur hugging him over his maths homework shakes his bones. He takes a deep breath and closes the book.
“Well I think I shall go now.”
Lance looks questioningly at him but doesn’t say anything. He accompanies him to the door and kisses him on the cheek to wish him goodbye.
*
Merlin almost runs until he reaches his room. He flops down onto the bed and turns on his pc. It’s then that he finds the email, waiting for him.
To: merlin_blue@gmail.com
From: arthur_gold@gmail.com
Subject: None
Oi.
It has been a while. Just wanted to know how you were doing. I’m fine, I’m together with Gwen now (we were at her house on New Year’s Eve). Let me know when you’ll come back, we can hang out together so you can get to know her better.
A.
----
“Far, far away in a land that time can't change.”
Merlin reads the mail over and over until his eyes cannot see the lines well anymore. He snaps the laptop closed and hides his face against the blanket.
He can feel it clearly, the wound which those words have opened inside of him. Because, yes, he might have hoped that things could move on but a part of him, the most of him, has kept Arthur at the centre of his world. Arthur has been the reason why he has danced around with Lance not having the strength to make a decision. Because Arthur was more, more than anyone could ever be even if he didn’t even know why.
He doesn’t even try to fight the tears which are already sliding along his cheeks. It is ten thousand times worse than it had been when he was only fourteen and well since then Arthur had only been focused on Merlin.
It has the bitter taste of something definitive.
Arthur sits and looks at the screen. He checks that the email that he has just sent truly is in the “sent” folder. It is and Arthur tries hard not to regret it.
*
It happened just like that, so simply, after Merlin had gone back to Cardiff, to his own life.
He had known Gwen since his first year of university. He had gone often to her when he needed someone to talk to, when his life had been too much of a mess with all his feelings knotted up inside of him. She was kind and everything about her gave Arthur the idea of softness. But well she wasn’t Merlin. She wasn’t all angles and blue eyes and messy black hair. And that was everything Arthur had cared for for years, when he had truly hoped that they could live whatever it was that they had, even if it had to finish one day.
But things went spinning out of axis after he had seen Merlin’s expression while he talked over the phone with that friend of his. He had never seen his brother like that, with that light in his eyes, when it came to someone else. It had felt like a betrayal, even if he had no right over Merlin’s feelings; he knew that all too well. But he had partial control over his own.
When he asked Gwen to go out for the first time it was at the beginning of February. The air was cold and the sky grey. She had arrived with a yellow coat. The moment he saw her, Arthur thought that she might be the right one. The moment she tilted her head to the side and smiled he was sure that he wanted to see that smile again.
*
Being with Gwen is like being cuddled and kept safe all the time. Arthur likes the feeling of having her by his side, of her gentle hands and kind words.
Sometimes while she is studying, he simply lies on her bed and watches her. She listens to music while she reads her books of economics and sociology. The music she listens to is soft like her, things like Tegan and Sara or Gregory and the Hawk. Arthur quite likes it; it’s different from what Merlin used to listen to and, well, right now he doesn’t even know which music his brother listens to anymore. The thought makes something tighten in the middle of his chest. He tries to chase away the sensation running after the smooth lines of Gwen’s neck and cheeks. She turns and smiles at him. Then leans over and ruffles his hair.
“Something’s wrong?”
Arthur finds himself thinking that he likes the way she speaks, with her tongue brushing past her teeth now and then. He smiles back and shakes his head.
Gwen is the first person with whom Arthur feels like building something real. Over the years Merlin has taken up too much space, pushing aside all the rest. His presence was too strong and he fitted Arthur’s angles and curves too perfectly to make it possible for other people to step between them.
But now things are different and Arthur feels as if Gwen can actually fill up the empty space, the one which Merlin is not completing anymore. He fits with her; when they hold hands, when they dance together, when they sleep, spooned in Gwen’s small bed.
Arthur truly believes that this is the right thing to do. He truly believes that he is happy like this.
Merlin spends nights so full of dreams that he wakes up in the mornings exhausted. At the beginning he wonders if it’s the same for Arthur, but then he thinks that they’re different, they’ve always been. Arthur probably doesn’t have these persistent dreams anymore.
He forces himself to go to class and tries to spend less time possible alone, because he knows that otherwise he would do something unbelievably stupid as calling Arthur. He ends up spending most of the day in Morgana’s room. She is patient even if now and then she shouts at him exasperated by the lack of personal space. Merlin discovers that he has a tendency to colonise the places where he spends his time. Morgana’s room starts to be filled by Merlin’s books and some of his clothes.
One night she corners him at dinner.
“Look, Merlin. I’ve no problem with you camping in my room, but tonight…well I’m expecting a visit…”
She arches her perfect eyebrows and Merlin finds himself blushing. It’s weird how he has never contemplated this side of Morgana. He has known her for years and yet he has always seen her as some sort of perfect creature who didn’t need other people in that sense.
“Oh, alright. But you’ve to tell me more about it.”
He grins and Morgana laughs.
“So I’ll come and take some things to take back to my room then.”
“Oh, I’ve already asked Lance if he could put you up for the night. He said it was fine.”
Morgana grins and Merlin is almost scared by her cleverness. But he also knows that he can’t stay with Lance, not now that he still is confused by Arthur’s decision.
“But…”
Morgana leans towards him over the common kitchen’s table.
“No buts, Merlin! He has seen that you’ve been down lately. He said he was concerned.”
She remains silent for a while, apparently studying the piece of bread on Merlin’s plate.
“Give him a possibility, Merlin. He…he probably is better for you.”
Merlin looks at her and swallows. Sometimes he has the sensation that she knows, about him and Arthur, even if he has never said a word about it to anyone.
After dinner he wishes Morgana good luck with her date and pads along the corridors till he reaches Lance’s room. He looks at his feet, his thoughts are a whirlwind of Arthur’s eyes and hair mixed up with his dreams. It makes his head spin and he has to use all of his willpower not to fall to the ground. When he doesn’t feel as if he is on a rollercoaster he blinks. He has to get all of this out of his system. He knocks. Part 4/b