glee rpf| That just makes me a dumb human like you
Title: That just makes me a dumb human like you
Author: ca_te
Pairing: Darren/Chris (Chris' POV)
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG-13
Notes: This is a sequel to I blame you for the moonlit sky, the title comes from the song "Human" by Darren Criss :)
Disclaimer: Nothing of this has happened in reality. It's all fictional!!
The day the show came to an end arrived and knocked the air out of Chris’ lungs. It felt like that time when he was a kid and he had stumbled down the stairs. He couldn’t believe that it had happened and he hurt all over.
After having filmed the last scene, Ryan gather all the cast and the troupe and thanked them for the work they had done over the past three years. The words came muffled to Chris’ ears, though. All that he seemed able to do was looking at Darren, who stood beside Lea, smiling.
Chris forced himself to ignore the warm pressure behind his eyes.
*
One year…one year since he had realized what he felt for Darren. On year and nothing had managed to free the small and caged bird that his heart was.
Not even seeing Darren kissing his girlfriend at parties, not even having Darren drunkenly smiling at him and telling him that he was his best friend.
Friend. Somehow Chris didn’t have the strength to confine Darren in a box with such a label on. The other man was like water, slipping through categories, slipping through his fingers and through the holes in his heart, until he had filled Chris up to the brim without even realizing it.
*
In between the airing of the third season and the beginning of the last tour Chris tried to be on his own the more that he could. Even though everything inside of him- his stomach, his heart, his brain, maybe even his lungs- wanted nothing more than to soak up Darren’s every smile and every word before life would lead them in different directions, putting oceans and time between them.
Sometimes, though, that silly part of him that was hopelessly in love with Darren, would win and Chris would call his friend or would do stupid things such as taking a plane and flying to San Francisco, Chicago or wherever Darren was. Just to hear his voice, to hear him sing, to hug him hard in the backstage.
*
The first date of the tour was in New York.
What Chris would remember weren’t the songs and the applauses. What he would remember were the small, precious things. Like the night when Darren felt like having a cheeseburger and dragged him through a shiny city to eat at Burger King at 1 am. Or when Darren insisted for them to rent a boat in Central Park and splashed water all over them in his vain attempts to row.
*
The last date was in London.
It rained and Chris let his spirit drop and flow on the pavements along with the rain, because that was going to be it and he still had all those feelings, trapped inside, as if they were needles piercing through his very core.
He felt empty and scared.
It was when Darren squeezed his hand at the end of the show that Chris realized that he wasn’t ready to let go of that hand, not yet.
*
They were at a club reserved for the occasion. All the cast, that truly had become his second family over the years, was there, smiling and drinking and laughing.
Chris had spent most of the night with Ashley and Lea, letting the alcohol flow and make his heart number than it already was. His head was spinning but he kept his eyes focused on Darren, who was singing and dancing with Cory and Chord. So freaking clueless of all the mess that he had created inside of Chris, of the depth of the hole that he had carved right at the center of Chris’ life.
For a moment he found himself thinking that it would have been easier if he hadn’t met Darren in the first place. As soon as the thought took form in his mind, though, he bit his lower lip hard. No, he would never want to erase Darren from his life. If he hadn’t been there Chris would have never discovered what having a soul mate meant nor what falling in love was like.
“You know? You should tell him.”
Chris turned and stared at Lea.
“Sorry?”
Lea rolled her eyes but her hand was gentle on his shoulder.
“Talk to him or you will regret it.”
Chris dropped his gaze to the bottom of his almost empty glass; there was still a bit of pink liquid and what he could see reflected in it was that what Lea had said was true. If what he was feeling was so strong that she had been able to see it, surely it wasn’t going to fade away like a cloud blown away by the wind on a summer afternoon. What he felt for Darren wasn’t a cloud; it was so much heavier and so much softer at the same time.
He lifted his gaze and met Lea’s soft smile.
“You don’t live if you don’t try, Chris.”
*
It wasn’t as if Darren was far away or something; he was standing just few feet away. Still Chris felt as if he was trying to cross an ocean.
He stopped in front of the other man, cursing himself because his brain seemed to have derailed at the sight of the colored lights sliding over Darren’s features. The shorter man grinned at him and slung an arm around his shoulder. His curls brushed against Chris’ neck as he leaned closer.
“Hey, Chris! Here you are! I missed you, you know?”
Chris swallowed dry; his heart having become a crazy drum not helping at all with his dizziness. It was hard to ignore the way Darren’s words made him feel and then he remembered that he wasn’t supposed to ignore it. Not that night.
So he simply took Darren’s hand and pulled. He didn’t look back as he walked towards the exit; he didn’t need to, having the other man’s warm hand right into his own.
The fresh air outside hit him hard, he turned quickly and the sight of Darren’s big shiny eyes, so trusting and so full of affection, made him understand how it felt like to fall in love for the second time. The words didn’t come, though, they seemed to were stuck somewhere and all he could do was try to remember how to breathe. It was Darren who broke the silence.
“Hey, are you alright? Do you want to take a walk?”
Chris nodded. A small part of him wished that they could go and never come back, that he could find a place for him and for Darren so that they would never need to part, so that he would have all the time in the world to put his feelings into words. But he knew all too well that it wasn’t possible.
Darren was the one who talked and talked as they wandered aimlessly; Chris let him because it was good to hear the other man’s voice, for the umpteenth time he wondered why he had to fall like that, why every small thing that Darren was willing to give him ended up being so precious to him.
They reached a small park and Chris was thinking that maybe it would have been better to let go, that it had been such a stupid idea to think that he could really confess Darren what he had been carrying inside for years. But then Darren took his hand and dragged him towards a bench, forcing him to sit down.
Chris forced himself to concentrate on the streetlamp in front of them, even though he could feel Darren’s gaze on him.
“Chris.”
It was one word, really, it was simply his name, and yet Darren was the one who pronounced it and the worry was so thick in his voice that Chris couldn’t do anything but turn and face him. For an instant he wondered if it was normal that, even though he had been attracted to Darren for years, the other man looked even more breathtaking than ever right on the night when it all was going to end.
“Talk to me, please.”
Chris took a deep breath, feeling too tight in his own skin. Darren slid a hand over his knee squeezing reassuringly and right then it was as if a door had burst open inside of Chris and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold anything inside.
“I…”
“You?”
Darren grinned and Chris smiled a little at the thought that his friend was still trying to make him comfortable even though he probably must be confused.
“I…I don’t want this to end.”
Darren tilted his head to the side. For a brief moment Chris was sure to see a shadow pass over his features.
“Oh. Well that’s normal, man! You’ve been working on this for years, but…”
Chris shook his head gently.
“That’s not what I meant.”
Chris felt a shiver ran silently under his skin as Darren covered his hand with his own. It was warm and soft; it made Chris think that he wanted to hold onto it for the years to come. But he could never have that, right? He blinked trying to stop the tears that he knew were about to come; he tilted his head back and his gaze met the whiteness of the moon, hanging there, right above their heads.
It reminded him of a night they had spent together a long time before.
*
They had been out for dinner and were walking towards Chris’ flat when Darren had told him that he felt like being outside some more and watching the stars. Chris hadn’t been taken aback by the request, in the end it was Darren who was talking; Darren with his enthusiasm for things that no one else would ever notice.
So they had sat on the roof of Chris’ building, their heads tilted back, looking at the sky. The lights of the city made it hard to actually see the stars but it was beautiful anyway, it made Chris feel small and at the same time safe, Darren’s hand brushing against his own.
When Darren had spoken his voice had been low and soft. “You know? Sometimes I feel so happy to be here, to have had the chance to get the role in Glee, that I feel as if I’m dreaming. And on those moments I think that what people say is true, that you don’t get anything if you don’t try”, he had said. Chris had remained silent for a while, then Darren had covered his hand with his own and had squeezed gently; Chris had smiled at the sky up above.
*
Chris blinked as the memory faded away; he felt lighter, because he knew that what Darren had said that time was true and that he had to follow that small, precious advice. He swallowed dry and turned. The other man was looking straight at him, his eyes serious and intent.
“I don’t want us to finish.”
He cringed at the words’ choice and hoped that he wasn’t going to scare Darren away. The other man didn’t say anything but nodded slightly as if to tell him to go ahead. Chris used all his courage to take both of Darren’s hands into his, the simple contact making his heart drop and rise inside his ribcage.
“I…I know that it doesn’t make any sense for me to say this to you, I mean not after all this time, but well…it’s like when you can’t take something off your chest, right? It stays there and it’s so heavy that you can’t breathe…and I…and you…”
Chris closed his eyes trying to control the beating of his heart and thinking that definitely he had it all wrong and what he was saying couldn’t make any sense to Darren. Then he felt the other man squeezing his hands back and his eyes shot open again just to find that Darren was few inches away from him.
His breath caught in his throat at the sight of his friend’s eyes, they seemed deeper now that the orange light of the streetlamp reflected into them.
“D-Darren?”
The other man’s smile was almost blinding.
“I think…you’ve said enough.”
“But…”
The words went back down his throat as Darren closed the distance between them and pressed their lips together.
Chris’ world shifted off axis. His thoughts seemed to have scattered around and all that he could feel, all that existed, were Darren’s lips-softer than he had ever imagined-and the way his skin was tingling with electricity.
When Darren pulled back Chris wanted to ask him to pinch him, because he couldn’t believe what had just happened, not after all the time he had spent dreaming, thinking that he could never obtain to hold the treasure that Darren was into his hands.
“Hey.”
Chris smiled before replying.
“Hey.”
Darren brought his hand up to cup Chis’ cheek and he couldn’t help but lean into the touch. Somehow Darren’s fingertips seemed to be the only thing that could keep him grounded to reality when he felt so incredibly light.
“You should have told me before, you know?”
Shyly Chris traced the contours of Darren’s ear with his fingers.
“I…but you were straight and we are friends and…”
Darren pressed their foreheads together; something that he had done many times in the past but that had a completely different meaning now.
“Yeah we’re friends and that’s exactly what matters, Chris. What matters is that you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known. That…I don’t want to let you go neither.”
It all clicked together then, all the pieces slotting into place. Because Darren really made Chris’ life better, so it made sense that Chris did the same right? It was how the world kept his balance, or something like that.
For the first time in what felt like ages Chris had freed his feelings and after that he let himself follow what his heart felt like doing. So he leaned forward and hid his face against Darren’s neck, breathing him in, feeling himself sinking in the warmth of the other man’s body.
Darren held him close, hiding his face in his hair. They didn’t say anything and the moon kept shining up above.
There was still going to be a future waiting for them, new perspectives and new works, but Chris didn’t feel scared any more. Not when Darren’s hands were on his back, feeling like the wings that they didn’t have because they were small, stupid human beings.
Yeah, Chris though, they were two human beings who had been lucky enough to collide with each other, not so differently from what stars and asteroids did up above.