bbc merlin/ Since when
“But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line”
Little lion man- Mumford & sons
Arthur watched Merlin, standing beside the column at the end of the room, almost hidden by it, but had he really thought that he would have been able to hide from Arthur? After years spent side by side, sharing something which both of them had wished they could call friendship, after months spent sharing something more, something deeper, within the half light of Arthur’s chambers, just before dawn arrived, it was simply impossible.
Arthur bit his lower lip, the crown seeming somehow heavier on his head, he wished he could have avoided Merlin all of that, he wished he could have given him only good things, but it seemed impossible. Probably it had always been impossible, since when they had been born, since when he had been born thanks to magic and Merlin had been born with the same magic within himself. Just, just it had been so easy to hope, to dream, when he had had Merlin so close, his blue eyes shining brightly when he laughed or made some funny retort, it had been so easy when he had had Merlin pressed against him, no space left between their naked bodies. They had been connected on so many different levels, from the worrying and caring of two friends, to the intimacy of two lovers. Somehow it had all managed to be so real that even the discovery of Merlin’s magic hadn’t been able to shatter it all into pieces. But looking at Merlin, standing by that column, feeling his own heart pumping his blood with more difficulty, Arthur knew that what that revelation hadn’t been able to break, was anyway about to be broken. He fought against the tears that he knew a King wasn’t supposed to shed, but that were anyway forming at the corners of his eyes, he fought against the urge to run away, the solid weight of Gwen’s hand on his arm preventing him from doing so.
He almost didn’t hear the words which Geoffrey of Monmouth was pronouncing, he could only hear the whispering sound of Merlin’s sadness sliding from the sorcerer to him, along the thread of their connection, Arthur could almost feel the buzzing of Merlin’s thoughts, of Merlin’s feelings, just as few nights before he had felt the sound of Merlin’s blood rushing along his veins as he was pressed to him, buried inside him, wishing to remain like that for eternity. Indeed Arthur had known that he was lost since when he had found the courage to kiss his manservant for the first time, a kiss stolen before rushing to practice, a kiss stolen in the fresh air of an autumn morning, just few months before. The buzzing, the trembling that he had been feeling since the beginning of the ceremony intensified as Geoffrey stopped to talk and Arthur could feel on himself the expectant gazes of the people gathered in the room, he felt the soft pressure of Gwen’s fingers squeezing his arm, and he knew what they were expecting from him, he knew what he had to do, what his duty was. So he leaned forward and kissed Gwen, his stomach lurching unpleasantly as the memory of the softness of Merlin’s lips rushed through his mind as a crazy butterfly.
After the ceremony was over Arthur looked for Merlin among the sea of heads and clothes which was filling the room, but he was nowhere to be seen, so Arthur excused himself, shot a look to Gwen, who just nodded and ran out of the room. Arthur ran along the corridors, his breath becoming heavier with every stair he climbed, the thought of Merlin almost guiding him. He found Merlin in his former room, he had had to move his things to the King’s room some months before, after his father had died. Arthur remained silent, watching Merlin’s back, as the sorcerer was sitting on the bed, looking out of the window. Arthur knew that Merlin had known that he was coming to look for him, so he didn’t say anything and just closed the door behind his back. Merlin didn’t turn, he just shifted on the mattress, making more place at his side. Arthur walked up to the bed and sat down. He followed the direction of Merlin’s gaze, and realized that Merlin was simply staring at the horizon, which was coloured of golden under the bright sun of the beginning of summer.
“I…”
Merlin’s voice was shaking lightly, it was a tone that Arthur had heard only once, when Merlin had first revealed that he was a sorcerer, and there was so much terror in his eyes, and in his voice, so much for a single person.
Arthur rested his hand on Merlin’s knee, when he spoke his voice was clear.
“You know how I feel, Merlin, how I feel about you”
Merlin remained silent.
“And that’s not going to change, it could never change”
Arthur heard Merlin taking in breath.
“You know that I had no choice but to marry Gwen, that I have not choice but to hide my love for you from the world”
Merlin nodded slightly, he had known since the beginning, but then again it had been too easy to dream and to hope safe in the warmth of Arthur’s arms, safe in the wet softness of his kisses.
Arthur swallowed, and turned, feeling his breath catching in his lungs as his gaze met Merlin’s blue one.
“ I know”
Merlin said, and for a moment Arthur thought to delete it all, to cancel it all, because the only thing that he wanted was not to hear that “I know” from Merlin’s lips, but it wasn’t possible, so he did the only thing that he could to make Merlin understand that if it what he had said was true, also the depth of what he was feeling for Merlin was true, true and solid, filling his heart to the brim. Arthur cupped Merlin’s bony cheek and kissed him, he kissed him as he had done the first time, gently and carefully, as if he had been afraid of breaking him. He felt that something starting to buzz again in between them, in between their touching lips, and he felt Merlin relaxing, adjusting the angle of his lips against his, even though he had tensed up at first. Arthur just kept kissing him, even when a tear rolled down Merlin’s cheek and ended on his fingers, even when probably people where waiting for him. He just let himself sink in the warmth that Merlin was, the warmth that Merlin was able to give him, he sank in it till he felt completely encircled by Merlin and by his love for him, till he could feel Merlin’s spirit, the magic twirling around at the bottom of it, till Merlin whispered against his lips that he needed Arthur to hold him. And so Arthur did, and it was as breathing again after having been too much time under the water, sinking slowly within Merlin, feeling him trembling, seeing the light in his blue eyes, a light which only him had been so lucky to see. In that moment he knew for sure that the thread which linked the two of them was not supposed to be broken.
Before dressing again Arthur held Merlin tight, hiding his face against Merlin’s long and pale neck, whispering in his ear, “Believe me when I say forever”. He felt something warm and soft spreading within his body as Merlin laughed gently and hugged him a bit tighter.