Fallen...Not Quite Yet...Wait...There I Go...
Maybe I should strangle myself right now...Who knows...But I regretted not being able to go and see Eddie off to the bus as I usually always do. It's all again because I can't stand to fucCing argue and I just don't know what to do with myself half of the time. I really can't imagine being here for too much longer. This, I'd imagine, isn't too healthy. Other than that, the wheels to getting all of my shit transferred to Brooklyn College are in motion. All I need is to get my transcripts over there and it's pretty much done. But other than that...Sgt. Baugh is harassing the shit out of me and literally driving me up a wall...And well my mom isn't doing to much to facilitate things along. I just feel so far away from the place where I stand right now. My family all want something from me all of a sudden. I don't know...They don't want me to go. But I look at them and I question, as they sit calmly within their central air-cooled houses in West Palm Beach, how bout you help me out a bit with school instead of making empty promises. I remember how they all promised to help me out with college regardless if it was here in NY. But sure enough, time came and they all backed out. They're all so focused on what they want for me to do and make them look, that they completely destroy the idea of me wanting anything for myself. Sometimes I wish they could all read this so they'd know what runs through my mind. It just looks like things are better left unsaid because it's easier. It's easier than to tell someone in your family that you feel so goddam alone that you can't even talk to them if you were burdened with a problem. Of course that could just be me overall. I just don't like putting serious problems on people because I feel that everyone's got their own problems to deal with, why should I bother them with mine? Family is such a weird aspect when you compare yours to everyone else's. You look at all of these picture perfect families, yes with their own set problems, but none that we know of, and we can't help but look back at our own and wish it was similar. But I strive and I look at other families, and I see their problems, and I would want nothing but to offer myself in help of others and their situations. But if it was to be returned, I'd reject it.
Solace can be truly comforting. There's almost nothing better than knowing that you're the only person that's going to hold you when things go wrong. You, yourself, are the only person that's going to touch the back of your head and stroke your neck when you're curled up in a corner knowing everything is moving steadily nowhere. You're the only person you can feel when the idyllic music playing, just stops. That's when you close your eyes and you can still see the black of what your eyes truly see in your life, for they are the windows to our souls.
I get sworn in soon. I guess there's no turning back now...Sometimes I can picture it being me dying instead of one of many countless lives that have passed out there. I wish sometimes I could give my life so that they'd be able to go back home to their families and they could get the chance to hold them again and remember the fit of their loved one in their arms. Cuz I don't feel that with my own. I don't even feel like I'm part of a family. I really don't. I feel more like I was picked up along the way and I've had to pay dues to be considered part of this family. And everything that has gone wrong with them I can't help but feel it's my fault. Like I wasn't there to help them out, so in turn it's my fault. I feel alone in this world. I need a hand to walk with and remind me that I can still feel the ground under my feet.
Jokes don't seem to be too much of a clincher these days...Give me a week and my frame of mind should have it's stupid/happy facade again.
Solace can be truly comforting. There's almost nothing better than knowing that you're the only person that's going to hold you when things go wrong. You, yourself, are the only person that's going to touch the back of your head and stroke your neck when you're curled up in a corner knowing everything is moving steadily nowhere. You're the only person you can feel when the idyllic music playing, just stops. That's when you close your eyes and you can still see the black of what your eyes truly see in your life, for they are the windows to our souls.
I get sworn in soon. I guess there's no turning back now...Sometimes I can picture it being me dying instead of one of many countless lives that have passed out there. I wish sometimes I could give my life so that they'd be able to go back home to their families and they could get the chance to hold them again and remember the fit of their loved one in their arms. Cuz I don't feel that with my own. I don't even feel like I'm part of a family. I really don't. I feel more like I was picked up along the way and I've had to pay dues to be considered part of this family. And everything that has gone wrong with them I can't help but feel it's my fault. Like I wasn't there to help them out, so in turn it's my fault. I feel alone in this world. I need a hand to walk with and remind me that I can still feel the ground under my feet.
Jokes don't seem to be too much of a clincher these days...Give me a week and my frame of mind should have it's stupid/happy facade again.