Let Alone Question, For It Leaves No Response...

[c_rza]

I don't understand it sometimes...Why occasionally one will go into small, teeny, tiny spells of nostalgia. But it happens. And one can only strive to look for some other means or alternative to direct their attention to, in hope of being able to get past it. I can only hope to make it past certain things. Lonliness is one of them. It's not weird or unusual for someone to want someone in their life. A companion, a lover, a person who'll walk with you because it looks like you're going somewhere, a friend. Friend of a different variety, really. There's just something about the idea of sharing ideas, thoughts, passions, dreams, and wishes with someone who's willing to tell you that they'll all come true and the best part of it will happen to be that, that person is there with you to see it happen. I like to imagine, sometimes, the most amazing thing that can happen to someone is to having someone throw their arms around you. Not just an ordinary hug, but a hug that makes you feel that person never wants to let you go. The feeling that right there at that waking moment, not a damn thing in this fucCing world could hurt you or have the coercive force to separate the two of you. It leaves me sad to remember how it was to hold someone and to close my eyes, and imagine that there was never a time I'd have to let go. With subtlety, slowly slide down that person's arm to have your hand reach theirs with the blind vision of your fingertips, for which they already know the way. Feel that person reciprocate the idea, and begin to hold your hand as well, completing what would be defined as unison. Security. Safety. Solidity. Hold that person's hand with these words in your head. Feel that person's heartbeat with those words in your throat. Relive that touch with these words in your percolating skin. Survive that person in your body. It's unbelievable sometimes...being the fact that so many people, could only wish, ask, or hope for that feeling. Of all their dreams, how come this one is so out of reach? But for so many it isn't desired at all. Just a hunger for a few minutes (or hours ;-P ) of euphoria/pleasure. But as they grow older and realize that what they'll inevitably want is for someone they'll hope be willing to spend their lives with. It's questionable why it's pivotal that I see myself in a relationship or want what lack there of. But there's no point in answering, because they all become excuses for myself. I bleed inside with self-pity flowing through my veins and a calm, remote face to connect with the world...I can't do much right now but breathe slow. I wish I didn't care half as much as I did. I detest people who disvalue the love and emotions of others, who don't appreciate the shit they have.

In other news, I ship out to boot camp June 6th. "Semper Fidelis", right? "Always Faithful"...

No joke today, boys and girls...It just...off-sets the way I feel.

C-Rza