Balance of Power ~ Chapter Two

[c_b_syndrome]

“Pixies and Pink Rooms”
Arc One; Chapter Two
Balance of Power

WARNING: Post Series, Post Movie **SPOILER HEAVY** and slightly AU

"Information overload," Ducky said. "Bet you wished you'd taken the blue pill, huh, Ed

Comments

Re: Chapter Two Notes

[c_b_syndrome]

1) Continuity: Perhaps more of a wording problem, although, consider that even if he does know the language (which is -remarkably- similar to Amestrian, if all the "official" paperwork, letters, notes, etc are any indication), if he's never been to the US (especially in the 21st century), what he does know will still be a vague concept.

2) "gunna": I've seen it both ways, to be honest, and I know it's terrible and slangy, but it's somewhat acceptable in dialogue.

3) semi-colon: "Hello, my name is Lorrie, and not only am I a comma whore, but in my effort to break one dirty habit, I seem to have picked up a new one." ^^;;

Re: Chapter Two Notes

[c_b_syndrome]

Yikes! Take care. And thanks for the assistance!

[c_b_syndrome]

Awesome! I know a little about it from friends who are involved. I think it's fascinating. And it works well in the story because of some of Reilly's half-baked theories.

[redrose999]

Excellent! WOW I love Reily and Ducky and TOM! Awesome!

LOL EVPS too! Gotta love!

[c_b_syndrome]

Ducky is such a lovable ass, wouldn't you say? ^^;;

Comments, part 1

[nebroadwe]

More good stuff, engendering more comments:

"I swear, Rick, if one more person mentions that kid and asks me how he is, I'm going to shove my stethoscope so far down their throat that they'll hear their own bowels move."

Great line. I know a nurse or two in RL who has been inspired to say something similar. :-)

Vague concepts for which he had nothing to compare to.

This is rather awkward; I'd make it, "Concepts for which he had only vague referents."

[The vile pink room.]

This room *works*. It's clearly a Reilly product (hence aiding in her characterization) and it's a horrible place for Ed, as ore-wa as he always is, to wake up (reminding us of what he's like and generating some amusement -- like the original, this story is pretty adept at switching between melodrama and comedy).

[Ed in the bathroom]Very nice work on the smaller cultural contrasts Ed has to deal with; computers are an easy mark, but personal care items (as well as food storage and prep) require more effort and IMO pay off even better. The "once burned,

Comments, part 2

[nebroadwe]

Continuing with the commentary:

[Ed and Ducky making breakfast]

I'm enjoying the way this story makes time for things like breakfast, allowing us to spend time with the characters and their routines, building a sense of reality to frame the weird and exciting stuff that is surely coming. (Cf. Diane Duane or Robin McKinley.)

“Name? Or are you another one of the anonymous toy-boys Reilly collects?”

I chortle. This is a superb button to push and a great choice for an ongoing Pavlovian response from Ed.

He was pretty much left to his own devices at that point as Reilly settled across the table from Ducky with her breakfast and opened up her own case.

"Pretty much" is unnecessary -- he *is* left to his own devices.

The more he just kept quiet and listened though, the more convinced he was that they may be nuts, but they weren’t a threat.

Tense problem: "may" should be "might".

Through the staticky wind-tunnel noise that had been damped down, Ed could swear he heard a plaintive, frightened child’s voice. “Mommy!”Another

Re: Comments, part 2

[ladyamber]

Nah, they aren't overwhelming, I'm just not sure I can reply to them all. ^^;; The one that sticks out in my mind is the reaction to Ed being a Van de Graff. :D The reasons behind it should be clear later.

Glad you're still hooked!

Re: Comments, part 2

[ladyamber]

Oh! BTW; police uniforms for the US are actually decently similar to 1920's German police uniforms (using the reference to the movie here; yay, alter!Hughes); Plus, a soldier's camo uniform is pretty obvious if that's what the pictures are of. Not sure; ask LJ for the specs on that.

Anyway, hope that answered your question.

Re: Comments, part 2

[nebroadwe]

Fair enough -- I was thinking about the film, too, which is why I was hesitant: all I could really remember was the bobby-style helmet! :-) And I do not by any means expect to have all my comments answered; I'm just throwing them out there in case they might be useful. When the commentary stops being a public service and turns into a nuisance, let me know and I'll softly and suddenly vanish away. My roommate has already accused me of being a frustrated editor ...