Vainglorious Suethors
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. We are not them, but we do have permission to write in their world. The Marquis de Sod belongs to the PPC Board. The Lord of the Rings and other associated works, and all characters therein, belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Any Discworld references made belong to the Great God PTerry. Cara, William, Miriam and Stephanie belong to us. The fic up for killing, Finding the Reasons, Fighting the Truth, is owned by LoopyLeah13, and we don't want it. A big thank you to lady_rilwen for betaing this mission. Fic excerpts are in bold.
Warnings: There is some violence due to the nature of the PPC, but nothing very graphic. There is also mild language.
The Department of Implausible Crossovers was definitely more interesting to navigate than most of HQ, Cara admitted to herself as she edged forwards. Most of HQ’s walls, floors and ceilings were eye-blurring grey, but at least you could see them. The DIC’s corridors were black, and with a distinct lack of proper lighting, you were pretty much groping blindly most of the time there.
Thud.
“Eru-sodding-damnit!” Cara bent down to rub her knee, which had collided with an unexpected corner, and began grumbling under her breath about the stupid idiot who’d thought it a good idea to put said corner there.
"Lumos." A sudden beam of light illuminated the scene. “Is there a problem?”
“Yes, there bloody well is,” she grumbled as she straightened up and faced the person who’d just enquired into her well-being. “I ran into the wall. You should complain to the Lichen about getting better lighting in this place.”
The newcomer just chuckled. “I’ll think about it.” He pushed back the hood of his pale blue robes and examined the situation by the light of his wand. “Let me guess, you were coming to visit me?”
Cara couldn’t help but smile at her ex-partner’s faux-hopeful expression. “I was on my way back to my RC, actually, and the architecture decided to send me this way. Sorry to disappoint, William.”
“I’m heartbroken.” He laughed again and gave her a hug. “I take it I can’t persuade you to come back to my place for a quick visit?”
“And leave Miriam to face the next mission by herself? No, thank you.”
“Pity. We don’t see nearly as much of each other as we used to. I’ll go with you, anyway; I’m not in the mood for another mission just yet.”
“Been awkward lately?” she asked sympathetically as they set off and rounded a corner into the regular corridors again.
“Not so much awkward as just plain bizarre.” He sighed. “Sometimes I wish they didn’t have such a good excuse to put me on Potterverse crossovers. For one thing, I’m fairly certain Harry was never Eragon in disguise.”
The blonde woman’s face was sympathetic. “That’s really got to suck. Nobody likes doing Eragon.”
“Ginny Weasley seemed to disagree with you there,” he muttered as he ran one hand through his hair in a futile attempt to tidy it. Cara suppressed a snicker, and patted him on the back comfortingly.
“You fixed it, though, didn't you?”
“Yes, I sorted it. It’s getting ridiculous, though. It’s not like Harry really needs extra powers; he’s the Boy Who Lived, for Merlin’s sake, he doesn’t need all that other stuff! And I’m fairly certain a dragon would not have been one of his favourite animals, not after the Horntail.”
“You’re getting overprotective again,” she reminded him, amused.
“It used to be my job to be overprotective.” He shrugged. “My author had me tailing him for a year just to make sure he didn't get into trouble, remember.”
“Yeah. Still, at least you can stop him getting into other trouble now.”
"How's Stephanie?" he asked after a few moments of awkward silence, changing the subject.
"About the same as usual. Haven't you been down to see her lately?"
"...I've been distracted." He looked rather sheepish, and more so as she gave him a knowing look.
"Researching again?"
"I bumped into a few people and got chatting, and they suggested a few new approaches to my project..."
"And you just couldn't wait to try them out," she finished with a fond smile, though that faded into expectant disapproval. "Have you been eating and sleeping properly? I bet you haven't."
"Well..." His expression resembled that of a teenager caught out in the middle of trouble. Cara sighed.
"Do I have to start coming round every other day to make you eat and sleep again?"
"Nobody's going to make you," William protested lightly, "but company would be nice."
"Then maybe you could go and see Stephanie," she retorted, giving him a light thump on the arm. "She misses her Uncle William."
"Ow. All right, fair point, I'll go straight down to see her after you kick me out." He rubbed his arm briefly and gave her a smile. "I miss her, too."
After a few seconds, the pair realised their talk had led them all the way back to RC #96. Cara opened the door slowly, checking to see whether her partner was awake. “Miriam? ‘s just me and William, okay?”
The first sign of any life in the RC was the sound of a low groan, followed by the rustling of sheets as the younger Assassin forced herself awake. Once Miriam was out of bed and managed to wrestle her usual coat on, she turned to them just long enough to offer a little wave. "'lo, Will," she said. "Er, William, I mean, sorry. Anyway, see Cara dragged ya in again. 's going on?"
"Not much," the former Auror replied, not bothering to hide his grin. "Your beloved partner here managed to get herself lost in the DIC corridors until I turned up to get her out, and I invited myself back here. If I'd known you were asleep, though, I wouldn't have barged in."
"'Got lost', my backside," Cara snorted, dropping into a chair. "I told you, it's the lighting."
"Better lights wouldn't have made you any less lost," he pointed out as he leaned against the door frame comfortably. "Anyway, Miri, how've you been?"
Miriam took the chair near Cara's before she responded, rubbing sleep from her eyes as she thought over the question. "Sore as all hell," she grumbled. "Dunno what made me think fencing lessons were a good idea."
"Because that way you'll actually know how to defend yourself in a fight." William shook his head in mock-despair. "You need to know something about fighting in this job. How've things been, anyway?" he added, giving his former partner a smile.
Cara shrugged. "Oh, fairly quiet. Nothing too interesting, eh, Miri?"
"Aside from that Nazgul!Sue a couple days back?" Miriam asked. "Nothing I can really think of, no."
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
"Okay, we walked right into that," the younger agent said, making her way to the console. A few button presses later, Miriam was reading the Intel report with a rather amused expression. "Ah, this one might actually be interesting. It's about Legolas again."
"So? We get Legomances all the time."
"No, no," Miriam started, raising a hand to cut Cara off. "Legolas is the Stu, this time. You still have your exorcism stuff, right?"
Cara paused for a moment to process that. "Legolas is the Stu?"
"Yep!" Miriam, Cara decided, sounded far too enthusiastic. "A lot of OCs, too, but none of 'em seem killable. Besides, we get to be Elves again."
The older agent couldn't help but sigh. "Miri, Elves aren't that awesome. They're just taller, more graceful, better-looking... more skilful... immortal... oh, whatever, they're not that awesome."
"I'll take this as my exit cue," William cut in, before any species-related bickering could break out. He'd seen them arguing over the topic before. "It was nice to see you again, Miriam. Take care, both of you." With a nod to both women, he slipped out.
"Yeah, see you." Cara waved absently as she began reading the fic report. Within a few paragraphs, she was demonstrating her finely honed skill of eye-rolling. "Head, meet wall. All right, let's go and off bratty teenager Legolas. I'll grab the exorcism kit." She moved away from the console and began shoving items of use into her bag while Miriam grabbed her sword and rucksack. Once both agents were ready, a quick series of button presses activated both disguises and portal, and they stepped through to begin the mission.
Mercifully, the portal brought them past the beginning notes in favour of dumping them just outside Stu!Legolas's room. The sounds of the replaced canon attempting to break his fists against the door in a childish tantrum were irritating, but they didn't wear on the agents' patience anywhere near as much as the droning of the notes would have.
Cara leaned against the wall, examining the words. "Oh, the poor dear," she murmured a few seconds later, her voice absolutely dripping with false sympathy. "He's grounded for a whole month, and it's so awful being a Prince of Mirkwood... to hell with this, stick 'wangst' on the charge list." A few moments later, as the scene abruptly jumped to the next morning without any sort of warning, she swore rather vehemently. Luckily, she'd mastered the art of keeping her voice down as well as that of eye-rolling, so nobody noticed that there were suddenly two extra Elves in the dining room. As soon as Legolas sat down, another Elf - whom the Words introduced as Raedian, Legolas's elder brother - began to taunt him, only to be stopped by Thranduil. While the ridiculous name made Miriam snigger, Cara just sighed.
"Oh, Eru, not the 'Legolas has brothers' theory again," she muttered, while Thranduil and his uncanonical sons discussed patrols on Mirkwood's eastern border. Her partner, on the other hand, didn't seem to be in quite the same mood, judging by the look on her face.
"It's not that bad," Miriam said. "At the least, he doesn't do anything that'd deserve killing. I don't think Legolas should be sitting that close to him, though..."
"Um, why?"
"He could be radioactive."
The blonde woman frowned, looked at Raedian again, and then sank her face into her hands with a groan. "Miriam, that was a truly horrible pun."
Miriam just grinned in response. "Don't blame me, I didn't name him."
"I know, but that was still awful." Despite herself, however, a smile crept across Cara's face.
It vanished instantly as she spotted the Words declaring that Raedian was over a millennium older than Legolas. "What the -? Elves didn't do that!" She resisted the urge to headwall at the improbably large age gap, and instead just glared as it was established that the older brother was rude and complained about everything. Once Thranduil's attempts at making conversation fell through, Legolas's doppelgänger decided to leave, unaware of the two extra Elves shadowing him as he made his way out.
However, he didn't get far before another Elf appeared and called out to him. This OC, introduced as "Fortarthin" (at which point the agents decided that the author clearly had no idea what real Elf names were), seemed to exist mostly for exposition, as the rest of the chapter consisted of him interrogating Legolas in an attempt to find out why the prince had been grounded. Once Legolas answered his questions, Fortarthin left as suddenly as he showed up, and the scene shifted to another of Legolas's "brothers" - this one by the name of Isilihir, or "Izzy" - stalking through the corridors. The agents weren't far behind, but the chapter was so brief that there was barely any time to do anything but follow them before the character replacement was brought to Thranduil's study and the chapter came to an end, forcing Miriam to stop mocking Isilihir's nickname as the Elf in question suddenly turned to leave.
To her credit, the younger agent thought quickly enough to avoid a potentially awkward scene, as she pulled Cara aside and began to whisper fast-paced nonsense regarding the Mirkwood spiders in what she hoped was a convincing attempt at conversation. Luckily, the "Crown Prince" of Mirkwood barely even glanced at the two Elves before heading off to take care of other business. Once the two were sure Isilihir was really gone and Legolas had entered the study, Miriam cast a look around and nodded.
"All right, that was probably my fault," she admitted as she crept up to the door. "That whole chapter was a waste anyway; hopefully we can get some actual charges here."
"Agreed," Cara said dryly. "I've warned you about the time and place problem before." She leaned against the door, listening carefully. "Sounds to me like they're having an oh-so-typical teenager-parent argument."
She peered through a crack in the door, and glared at the sight of Thranduil acting as though skipping court was the most heinous of crimes. "Oh please, he's the youngest of your kids, apparently. Why's it such a big deal?" The blonde woman suddenly froze as she scanned the Words, her voice tense with restrained fury. "Miriam?"
"Yes?"
"Did the author just use the term 'had of'?"
"Calling it a term might be giving her too much credit." Miriam couldn't help but roll her eyes at the canons' bickering. It was tempting to just tune them out as Thranduil began lecturing his son and going on about how none of his brothers would have skipped court, but she knew that wasn't an option, particularly when she was supposed to be keeping an ear out for charges. "You'd think the fanbrats would at least write about races they actually know something about; Thranduil's got to be poss-"
She was suddenly cut off when Thranduil asked Legolas if he'd like to burn down the forest, only to be told that the young Elf would rather burn him down. Miriam blinked, then checked the Words as the situation continued to devolve before she gave Cara a disbelieving look. "You didn't hear that, right? There's no way Legolas actually said that!"
Judging by the look of sheer fury on Cara's face, she had heard it. "Yes. Well, we know he's a Stu, so that could explain it... but still, saying that to Thranduil... insensitive little piece of - Flaming Denethor!"
She nearly staggered, gaping through the gap at Thranduil, who had just suggested that his son was born with "a mutation" in his personality. If that hadn't thrown the two women off, Legolas attacking Thranduil certainly did, and Miriam cursed repeatedly under her breath while she added to the charge list. Fortunately, neither of them were noticed by the guards that took Legolas from the study, and they quickly stalked after the group once they'd taken a moment to calm themselves. The agents followed the trio in silence at first, but had to back off when Isilihir materialised behind the guards, nearly provoking another tirade from Miriam when she just avoided a collision with the OC.
"I hate it when they do that," she snarled, glaring daggers at the fake Legolas as Isilihir dismissed the guards and ordered him to go to his quarters.
"I hate the fact that people think it's okay to make an Elf act like such an utterly spoilt brat, and then call him Legolas," was the reply, as the Elf in question smirked at the guards leaving. "And this guy is definitely not the real deal."
"Really? I didn't notice Legolas suddenly turning into a bloody sociopath." Miriam's voice dripped with sarcasm, but the scene shifted to Legolas's bedroom before she could comment further, forcing the agents to find something to hide behind as Isilihir settled himself on the bed and began to argue with Legolas. "Oh, brilliant. More family drama."
"Hmm." Cara looked almost approving as the uncanonical elder brother began bawling Legolas out for his rudeness. "That's an impressive set of lungs he's got there."
"Tell me about it." Miriam was already holding her hands close to her ears in anticipation of Isilihir's inevitable outburst. "Maybe we should introduce him to the Queen Anne's Lace when we're done here."
"Recruitment?" the older woman asked, interested. "You think we should grab him?"
"It's that or killing him, I think." her partner shrugged, trying to keep her voice low enough that they wouldn't be heard by the other Elves in the room. "He's a royal, Cara; I don't think he or his brothers'll assimilate too well if we leave 'em here."
"You want to get them all?" Cara leaned against the wall, thinking it over. "Well, it's not impossible, and I don't think they've done enough to warrant us killing them.... oh, all right. We'll have to keep track of them, then. He seems to have new ones popping up all over the place. Make a note, okay? We've already seen Raedian and Isilihir."
Miriam nodded, and quickly wrote the two names down on one of the margins of her charge list. "I think a couple others pop up, but I didn't get that good a look back at the RC. I'll keep an eye out, though." The younger woman looked over the charges for a moment, but the slightest hint of a grin appeared just before Isilihir began screaming at Legolas. "Maybe I can borrow Raedian if it ever gets too cold; Moira does in a pinch, but I prefer radiators that won't burn me if I'm not wearing fireproof gear."
Any retort Cara might have made was drowned out by the impressively capslocked bellowing of Isilihir, but her facepalm was more than expressive enough to convey what she thought of that pun.
Miriam's hands went over her ears as soon as the non-canonical Elf raised his voice, and she winced just as much at the yelling as her own pun. Instead of trying to talk over the enraged royal, she offered an apologetic little nod to her partner as they waited for him to stop shouting.
Eventually, Legolas was forced to admit that his behaviour towards Thranduil had been unacceptable, and Isilihir finally calmed down. Once the rant had finished, and the older Elf asked Legolas why he'd behaved that way to begin with, the replacement broke down and began crying on Isilihir's shoulder. Neither of them were aware of the two additional Elves in the room, who were perfecting the art of eye-rolling as the scene came to an end and had to jump back as they were suddenly transported back to Thranduil's study, where Isilihir was busy talking to the king - without yelling, somehow - about how badly he'd hurt Legolas.
"Oh, cry me a river," Miriam sighed. "It's not Thranduil's fault 'Legolas' tried to kill him. Though really, he's starting to look like he's Thranduil in name only."
Cara was watching the Elvenking with a slight frown. "I don't know, Miri. Given he's just had a massive bust-up with his son, I'd say that wasn't a far-off reaction of how a dad would react. It seems pretty realistic, actually."
"Yeah, a dad with a sixteen-year-old, maybe; I almost wonder if this author's even read the books."
"I sort of doubt it, but you never know, with some of them." Cara paused, nibbling at a fingernail absently as she listened to Isilihir's recommendations, then frowned. "Huh. What do you know? Apparently Gandalf is an expert on parenting now." She straightened up and re-read the Words. "...Oh, sod."
"Huh? What's up?" Miriam had stopped paying attention for a moment, but her expression matched Cara's own once she'd looked the chapter over again. "Glaurung! This could be tough, if he's a dad; I didn't see his kids mentioned anywhere."
"Let's not panic..." Cara closed her eyes, trying to think. "If we... wait till it's time to recruit... he can lead us to them. They'll be somewhere in his apartments, most likely. The kids and his wife. We can find them then."
"Sounds like an idea." Miriam took a breath and looked the Words over again, sure that she'd missed some other mention of Isilihir's wife or children. Unfortunately, she didn't have much luck, and had to abandon the attempt when she saw Legolas moving soundlessly towards his father's study and had to duck out of the way. The replacement ignored them in favour of the Elvenking, but she couldn't help feeling slightly frustrated by the fact that she'd missed the timeskip at the chapter's start. "I need to stop doing that. All right, then, let's watch the sappy makeup scene."
However, things didn't go anywhere near as smoothly as the younger agent predicted, as Legolas and Thranduil were soon at each other's throats again. The attempted reconciliation fell apart just as quickly as it started, and Legolas stormed off after telling Thranduil to forget about rebuilding any relationship between them. A few awkward seconds passed, and then Miriam looked back into the study, unable to suppress a groan on seeing the Elvenking collapsed on his desk.
"Oh, that's brilliant. The S.O. won't mind if I add 'making Thranduil cry' as a charge, right?"
"I doubt it. No matter what happened, I really, really don't see him crying if he and Legolas had a row." Cara rolled her eyes.
"Good; I was gonna throw it in anyway." Miriam jotted down the relevant charge and sighed, muttering to herself about fanbrats that couldn't imagine anyone older than sixteen as she set off to follow Legolas. "C'mon, then; we should at least try to keep up with the wangstbucket."
"Running after him? Nah, I'll walk, thanks. We have... four hours to catch up, anyway." Cara strolled off after her partner, smiling slightly as though she knew something Miriam didn't.
"Four hours, huh? I guess that's not so bad." After thinking about this for a moment, Miriam slowed down a little, eyeing their surroundings with distaste. "They probably should've sent some Pyros down here for this damn palace, though."
"It'll vanish once we remove the noncanon stuff, you know that. If you wanted stuff burning, you should've joined DOGA," the older agent replied as they reached the outer halls. "Watch it!" she yelped, grabbing Miriam's arm as the young woman was about to step outside. "You looking to get killed?"
Miriam jumped back as soon as Cara grabbed her, one hand going to her rapier as she looked around. "What're you on about, Cara?"
In reply, her partner indicated the spears dropping from the sky and shattering all over the ground. "Seriously, pay attention. Poetic images are all well and good in the right places, but here is not one of them," she added, under her breath.
"...Oh. I knew that." Despite this, Miriam looked rather sheepish as she scanned the Words and tracked the Stu down. "At least we didn't miss anything, just a chat with that archery teacher. They're in his room now; want to portal over, or are we taking the long way around?"
"Let's not bother. There's just a bit of talk and then it jumps to the next morning." A slow grin crossed the blonde agent's face. "Breakfast time. Fancy picking a few bits up?"
Her partner couldn't hide her temptation at the offer, and if her wide smile were any indication she didn't even bother. However, her enthusiasm gave way to a more contemplative expression once she'd given it a moment's thought. "Thranduil's gonna be talking with another of Legolas's brothers; think we can get some without being spotted?"
"We're Elves," Cara pointed out. "It'll just look like we're getting breakfast as well." She headed in the direction of the dining hall purposefully, rummaging in her pack for a few of the plastic food bags they tended to bring with them nowadays. "You coming?"
"Of course." Miriam seemed slightly annoyed that Cara needed to ask. "It's that or just standing around here, and I'm hungry anyway."
No more needed to be said, so a portal was quickly opened and the two agents ducked through, emerging unnoticed in the dining room as Thranduil spoke with Silithion, the third of Legolas's uncanonical brothers. More accurately, Silithion asked Thranduil two questions regarding his younger brother, only to be snapped at twice in return before the entire conversation fell flat. Miriam fought down a sigh at the Elvenking's petulance, and set to picking out her breakfast as the Words shifted to a description of Silithion, and Thranduil's own angsting. At the mention of Silithion spending the majority of his days sleeping, she straightened up and pre-emptively placed herself between Cara and the other Elves, shooting her partner a cautious glance as Thranduil moped about wanting to be left alone. "Er, how about I just keep an eye on the fic while you grab our breakfasts? How's that work?"
"Fine," Cara growled. She headed over to the table, but only had time to grab a few items before Thranduil finally left to go and angst in his room, leaving Silithion alone in the dining room. She resisted the urge to thump the uncanonically sleepy Elf across the head, given they'd be recruiting him soon enough, and headed back to Miriam.
"Here, this'll have to do - we're going to have to jump in a second." She handed over about half of what she'd picked up, and started nibbling at a rather overdone slice of bacon.
Miriam frowned a little as she put the offered food in a bag. "That's it? Well, can't be helped I guess; c'mon then, let's get to Legolas before he starts whining again."
One scene shift later, and they were back in the Legolas-replacement's room, mercifully unnoticed thanks to the Stu being caught up in his own internal monologue. Miriam took the liberty to make a slightly distasteful face as Legolas threw himself onto the bed without so much as putting a shirt on. "Ugh. If they're not gonna let us change the channel, you'd think he could at least make up for it by covering up a little."
"If this was the real deal, I'd say shut up and enjoy the view," Cara replied, amused. "But okay, okay, fair point..." She tugged Miriam into a less visible corner. "You still keeping up with the charges?"
"Of course; I'm not exactly a newbie any more." Miriam offered the notepad to her partner, but seemed to have second thoughts once the fic jumped to an hour later, when a servant brought Legolas his breakfast. "Uh, wait, didn't it just say he'd eaten breakfast already? Think I'll have to add a charge for continuity."
"Good idea. Especially since it also says he 'hadn’t ate since that time the previous day'." Cara's tone was the sort one would usually use when referring to something unpleasant on the bottom of a shoe. She glared at the Stu, and thunked her head against the wall. "How many sodding times?! Elves don't sleep!"
Miriam was about to remind Cara to keep her voice down when the Stu took off, causing the younger agent to swear repeatedly under her breath and go for her sword. Luckily, he had only gone to the bathroom, and was soon back with a glass of water. Before either agent could comment on this, he randomly splashed it on a cat sitting on the windowsill; the cat soon retreated, leaving Miriam to fix Legolas with a glare. "Oh, come on, that was just bloody uncalled for!"
Cara's tone was like ice. "Very, very much so." If there was anything she disliked as much as people messing up Tolkien, it was picking on cats. She and Discworld's Death could probably have formed a committee about it. "But oh, it's all right, because at least he feels guilty about it." She paused and frowned. "Hang on... where the hell did they find a cat in Mirkwood?"
Her partner spent the closing author's note and the disclaimer starting the next chapter trying to puzzle out an answer. "Damned if I know," she admitted, watching the Stu evenly as he finally got out of bed after a timeskip. In short order, the fake Legolas blamed his mother for both his own actions and those of his father, earning himself a charge for confusing Aman and Valinor before he started to reflect on how much his brothers loved him.
They were the ones he would go to if he had a problem or needed somebody to confide in; they were the ones that cared for him.
They loved him.
Even Raedian.
"Oh, gag me with a spoon already," the teenage agent sighed, though a slight grin appeared on her face after a second. "Y'know, I think we really could do with a nice radio."
Cara gave her a long look. "Seriously, Miri, that was painful."
Miriam couldn't help a giggle. "Come on, you would've said it if I didn't."
"Actually, I probably wouldn't. I was too busy thinking over all the Freudian excuses Legolas is coming up with to excuse his behaviour." The pale-haired Agent rolled her eyes.
This drew a shrug from the other woman. "I'm just surprised the brat hasn't tried to escape yet. He doesn't even bother until the end of the chapter."
"He is a Stu. He needs maximum angsting time." Cara's eyes unfocused for a few moments. "And apparently so does his dad."
"I just wish the Suethor'd learn how to write paragraphs; I keep tripping over these damn line breaks," Miriam complained. "At least Thranduil's a little less whiny about it; wanna skip to his part?"
"Nah, just chuck in a charge for making him angst over his wife when he knows perfectly well they'll be together again eventually. Oh, and buggering up timelines again." Cara was already tapping at her RA. "We can jump straight to where something actually starts happening."
Miriam gave a quick nod, pausing only to jot down the relevant charge. "Won't hear me complaining if we skip to the interesting stuff." When the portal opened, she stepped aside just enough to let her partner go, and then quickly ran through.
Legolas was already running away by the time both agents arrived, but they weren't far behind. The Words made it easy to track his position, so neither of them had too much trouble keeping up until Fortarthin spontaneously appeared behind Legolas again to keep him from escaping, just as a random scene break sent the two women sprawling for a moment. Once they regained their footing, Miriam snuck a quick look at the Words. "You know, I'm starting to think the archer might be some weird Elf version of Batman. How else could he keep pulling off that whole 'appear out of nowhere and tie up the wrongdoers' thing?"
Cara couldn't help but laugh. "You never know with this sort of fic. Then again... didn't you ever get caught doing things you weren't supposed to? My dad was brilliant at turning up just as things looked their worst."
"Yours too, huh?" Miriam grinned. "Mine liked to make Terry keep an eye on me; whenever I slipped by my brother, dad came down harder on him for letting me get away with it. After the first couple times, I don't think I ever didn't get caught."
"Saved him the trouble, then." Cara smiled. "I was the oldest, so I never had to put up with that."
"Trust me, you're lucky." Miriam didn't get the chance to elaborate on her comment before Legolas ran for it, and instead switched to whispering encouragement at the archer. "Quick, use your Elfarangs!"
Unfortunately, Fortarthin seemed to have different ideas, as he simply grabbed Legolas and wrestled him back on to the path before tying him up. "Aww, they never do it the fun way," the teenage agent muttered with a tone of faux-disappointment. "Oh well; let's follow 'em back to the 'palace', then."
Stifling a giggle, Cara nodded and set off. "You know, I really didn't need the mental image of Elves in skintight Batman outfits running around Mirkwood."
"I dunno, it's not like it's doing any harm." Miriam gave her partner a little wink. "What, would it be easier if it were Aragorn wearing it?"
Quite obviously against her will, a grin spread across Cara's face, followed by a slightly dreamy expression that lasted for some time before she shook her head sharply and thwapped Miriam on the shoulder. "Stop that."
"Oh, fine, just so we can watch Stugolas here get berated." The chapter transition hit then, and they quickly searched for a spot in the courtyard where they wouldn't be noticed. Just as she'd said, the Stu's family wasted no time in chewing him out, though the presence of a random Elf named "Huirlith" threw the teenager off for a moment as she checked the Words. Once she made the connection, she let out a small sigh. "For Eru's sake, just how many brothers is this fic going to give him?"
"Didn't you check the fic before we came in?" Cara watched the scene with amusement as the family stood around shouting, but the smile faded as Legolas began looking rather ill. "...I don't think that's supposed to happen, Miri. Hang on - whoa!" She stepped forwards almost on instinct as the young Elf passed out, but restrained herself just in time as the other Elves hurried to help.
"Do you think that's just for drama, or is there something else up?" she said slowly, clearly thrown.
If Miriam was surprised, she didn't let on to it, as she immediately began looking over the Words for some sort of answer while Fortarthin and one of the new Elves - a general named Tyrilden - looked Legolas over with the aid of some healers. "No dice," she said after a short time. "It doesn't say - not in this chapter, at least. I can keep looking, but we should probably follow the Elves; I want to get a closer look, if nothing else."
"All right." Cara set off after the little group, putting on as convincing an expression of concern as she could. "I've got to wonder how they knew what the recovery position even was, though."
"Anachronistic knowledge. I put the charge down last time I looked ahead."
"Nice work, Junior." She stepped away smartly to avoid any retaliation. As they followed the little entourage into the infirmary (at which there were more grumbles about anachronisms), she stepped behind a curtain to avoid any notice and tugged Miriam with her. "Let's hear the doctor make his vague, yet completely correct diagnosis. I'm sure he will."
Despite being tempted to reply with something scathing, Miriam went along without comment, listening closely as the healer started giving instructions. The subsequent questioning was normal enough at first, but the healer looked directly at their curtain as he asked if Legolas had been "out of character" recently, and if she didn't know better Miriam would've sworn he gave them a sly wink before returning his attention to the other Elves as if nothing had happened. Even after a quick search showed that none of the others seemed to notice them, the young agent stood still for several seconds, utterly silent.
"I think this fic's getting to me, Cara," she said. "I mean, did you see that? The healer just winked at us!"
Cara peeped out, then shook her head. "You must have imagined it. You probably need more sleep. I'll menace the Console for you when we get back. Anyway, keep it down; the whole family's gonna be here in a minute and with things as they are we might get spotted."
"Something's not right about that doctor, but okay."
Fortarthin and the general left soon after their initial exchange with the healer, only for Thranduil and the Stu's brothers to rush in almost immediately. The agents were silent for the exchange between them and the healer, even when they received another half-suspicious glance from the latter as the chapter closed, but they were thrown off as the Word World began shaking furiously for a few moments. Once the world was stable enough that they could let go of the curtain without being tossed to the floor, Miriam looked through the chapter again and let out an irritated groan.
"Oh, Glaurunging brilliant," she said. "Damned author's notes; what's the betting she'd even accept an honest bloody review?"
"You're asking me? Odds are about a million to one."
Miriam sighed again, ignoring the jump forward as the next chapter started. Unfortunately, the insipid dialogue between Legolas and Silithion wasn't so easily tuned out, but the young woman was clearly doing her best to. "My point exactly. At least we don't have to sit through much more of this; only a few chapters left, by my count."
"Thank Eru." Cara tucked into a bit more of the breakfast stuff she'd stolen earlier, which was still rather good even when cold, and watched the fic. "...Huh. Legolas seems to have been up to something other than obnoxious brattiness. Any clue what? It's not saying, other than that he's scared his family knows."
"I'm looking, believe me," was the reply. Miriam was silent for a while, focussed more on the Words than the healers' attempts to force a potion down Legolas-Stu's throat, until it took visible effort to keep herself from swearing aloud. Once she'd calmed herself, she tapped her partner's shoulder. "Look at the end of the chapter; she makes it pretty obvious. When was the last time we saw Legolas turned into a stoner, again?"
Cara stared for a while, then thunked her head against the wall. "Just great. Legolas Pothead. What next?" She rubbed her head, wincing slightly, and turned to watch the reconciliation between Legolas and Thranduil. "Huh. After all that, they can manage one halfway decent attempt at saying sorry."
"Are you really surprised? This kind of fic almost always has a sappy conclusion." Miriam rolled her eyes. "Well, at least it's more for the charge list; I really just wanna strangle this brat, now."
Regardless of whether or not she meant to act on that, Miriam was interrupted when the Stu called a healer in. Once "Kethiron" entered the scene, looking mildly irritated, the young agent was quick to duck behind the curtain. Still curious after the way he'd behaved in the last chapter, she watched him carefully until the scene neared its end. "We're pretty much at the end here; anywhere you fancy killing this lot, Cara?"
"Hmm.. let's wait until the healer leaves in the next chapter, and grab him then. We're going to have to do a fair bit of legwork afterwards anyway, but - OW!" The blonde Assassin cringed and covered her ears as the end-of-chapter Author's Note - "REVIEW!!!!- Screeches like a banshee." - echoed through the room deafeningly.
"One more Author's Note like that and she will screech like a damned banshee..." Miriam said, once her own ears stopped ringing. The following note and the revelation that Legolas-Stu was supposed to be seventeen at the oldest merely made her confused. "Wait, what? Either she worded something badly, or the maths here just got even more screwed up; did I miss something while the last chapter was trying to blow out my ears?"
Cara hesitated. "Well, from what she's saying she wants him to act like a teenager... but she sees to have lost all grip on how Elves age. At seventeen, Legolas'd be equivalent to a ten-year-old at most, but the way he's acting here..." She sighed. "We're just going to have to keep in mind she's writing him as the Elven equivalent of seventeen, or this is going to get messed up really badly."
Her partner just sighed at first, and then nodded. "I'll never understand how people who've apparently read the books can still screw them up this badly."
"Because it's fanfiction, Miri." The older agent smiled slightly. "Remember? 'It's my story, so I can do what I want'?"
Miriam couldn't help a bit of wry laughter. "And now we get to do what we want; just wish this one didn't jump around so much so I could catch some sleep. Or at least get some more time out from behind this Erudamned curtain." The teenager shifted around a bit in an attempt to get more comfortable, and then pulled her notepad out again, looking through the list she had so far. "I'm not going to sit through much more of this; mind keeping an eye on the fic while I do a last check?"
Meanwhile, oblivious to the room's other occupants, the Legolas-Stu was trying to talk Kethiron into allowing him to leave early. The healer refused to budge - with good reason - and even cited Isilihir's orders that he be kept in the infirmary. This, of course, just made the Stu even more petulant, until he had a moment of panic at the idea of his family knowing what had happened.
Kethiron knew exactly what was on his patient's mind and he just shook his head saying earnestly, "I swore, Your Highness. I swore."
Legolas nodded, his heart returning to its normal speed and replied, "And I trust that you'll keep to that oath. But I'm still not happy at having to stay another night!" he finished with a look on his face akin to that on a small child's when they don't get their own way.
The healer couldn't help but burst out laughing.
Legolas-Stu glared at Kethiron, at which point the healer was supposed to jokingly threaten him with another potion, but that didn't happen. Instead, Kethiron continued to laugh, which foiled any attempts at speech until he managed to regain some control of himself, at which point he straightened up and shook his head, one hand still covering his mouth as the occasional chuckle slipped by.
"Oh, Valar, I really can't take this any more," he said, once the sniggering dropped to a more controllable level. "I think we've made our guests wait long enough, don't you?"
Cara went still, looking back at the Words, before her voice dropped very significantly. "Er, Miri? Something's not right here..."
Miriam had to make two attempts to speak. "Gee, you think? The Words don't say anything about guests!"
"Kethiron" snickered again. "It's all right, I've known you two were behind the curtain for a while now. You don't think I'd recognise fellow Assassins?"
The Legolas-Stu's eyes went wide at this. "Assassins?! Kethiron... what're you -" The healer cut him off with a cold look.
"Oh, shut up," he snarled. "Besides, my name's Himrod, not "Kethiron"; you're just lucky I'm not in the mood to snap your neck."
The agents straightened up, and Cara yanked the curtain aside, a mixture of annoyance and confusion on her face. "Fellow Assassins? You're PPC? What - just - what the hell?"
Himrod offered a slight shrug. "Former PPC, technically. Retired back in... what was it, by HQ reckoning? 2007? Well, anyway, I was expecting to end up here about as much as you were, and I'm not sure I want to know just how long I've been flicking between this place and the real Mirkwood."
She blinked, trying to assimilate this concept. "...You retired? To Mirkwood? What are you, nuts? No, wait, stupid question. Why'd you end up here?"
"I didn't even know for sure that I was here until you two showed up," the ex-Assassin replied. "I retired to Mirkwood to work as a healer, so I guess the Words took me when they needed a 'healer' character or some rubbish; do I look like a Flower? Or even Makes-Things? All that matters is that I'm here, and you two don't have to worry about me stealing your kill."
"Well, that's nice of you," she said dryly. "Himrod, was it? I'm Cara. Nice to meet you." She offered her hand with a conciliatory sort of smile.
Himrod took her hand eagerly, bowing his head slightly after he shook. "It's a pleasure. I assume the other one would be your partner?" As he asked, he shot Miriam a glance, who managed to nod after a second's blinking.
"I'm Miriam," she offered. Instead of giving her hand, though, she gave the Stu a quick nod, as he had already slipped off the bed and was attempting to sneak past the trio. Recognising the gesture, Himrod looked over his shoulder and kicked back, catching the Legolas-replacement in the side; as he was already weakened from the drug abuse, the Stu was knocked off his feet by the sudden kick, and stuck the wall as he fell. A few more kicks from Himrod dissuaded him from getting up - or, indeed, doing much of anything other than groaning - and the healer turned back to the agents.
"Amazing what passes for an Elf these days." This comment earned him a Look from both women, and he raised his hands a little. "All right, it doesn't pass, that's why you're here. You know what I meant."
"Um." This unexpectedly violent subduing - for an Elf, anyway; she was more than used to behaving that way herself - seemed to throw Cara a little off balance. Luckily, she quickly rallied. "Yeah. Er, on that note, maybe you could give us a hand? This is going to be a big job."
This earned her a grin. "I thought you'd never ask," Himrod said. "Thranduil's showing all the signs of possession, and Legolas here is obviously a replacement, so I'll take care of those two; no offence, but I'm a native, so if nothing else I can get their trust. Besides, at least this wraith hasn't gone for smut. What are you going to do with the other royals?"
"We were gonna recruit 'em," Miriam explained. "Figured they didn't do anything worth killing for, but we have to get 'em out somehow."
Himrod nodded. "Fair enough; killing them all might be more trouble than it's worth, anyway. Which of you wants to round them up? The other's going to have to stay here and kill the Stu while we take care of that."
"I think I'd better do it," Cara said quickly. "The rounding up, I mean. There's kids involved, from what I could work out - Isilihir's. No offence, Miri," she added, giving her partner an apologetic look, "but you're not a people person."
Miriam chuckled a little. "I'll say. Besides, taking the replacement down a peg's gonna be more fun than dealing with some brat."
Himrod just shrugged again. "If it works that way, we'll do it," he said. "Are you likely to need any help with the round-up, Cara? We can bring the brothers to the courtyard, then you take Isilihir off to find his lot while I deal with Legolas and the Elvenking. Then everyone can meet back there when all the jobs are done; how's that work?"
"Works for me. And I should be fine, thanks all the same. If I can deal with Lord Elrond in a temper, I can deal with a few confused bits." Cara was already making her way towards the door. "Though if you run into any of them, sending them down to the courtyard'd help."
"No sense waiting around, then," Himrod replied, not far behind Cara. "Have to admit, it'll be nice having a partner again, for a little while."
"You get used to it, huh? See you, Miri," she added absently over her shoulder, before she and Himrod closed the infirmary door behind them to leave the teenager to work. "How long were you with the PPC, then? And how'd you manage to get them to let you quit?"
"I'd say thirteen years or so," Himrod answered. "As for quitting... well, technically we can quit whenever we want, or at least in theory. I just eventually put my foot down and said I'd had enough; even on Arda, I was a warrior far longer than I was a healer. When I came to the PPC, the War of the Last Alliance had just ended." He allowed a wry grin to creep across his face. "You can see why I'd eventually get tired of bloodshed."
"Yeah... shame, really. We can usually use people who keep their heads in a crisis, and given what you just got dragged through, I'd have thought that counts."
The Elf thought about this for a few seconds, brushing some hair out of his eyes. "I guess you could say that," he eventually said. "All it really boils down to is that I'd got sick of it. There was no way I could transfer to Medical, and part of me just wanted to leave for a while. Besides, I doubt I missed that much in three years."
"You'd be surprised," she replied lightly. "I joined right at the beginning of '07, and we've had enough going on to keep things busy. Given you were after peace and quiet, though, it's probably a good thing."
They reached an intersection in the corridors, and she nodded towards the left. "See you down in the courtyard?"
Himrod nodded again, and nearly left at that, but stopped short. "I'll need an exorcism kit, won't I?" he asked dryly, noting the agent's bag. "I'll look a little silly if I try to get rid of that Wraith without so much as a candle... though I could probably use a neuralyser, too, if you have one. I don't think Thranduil would be happy if he remembered me throwing the book at him."
"Of course." She shrugged off her pack and rummaged through it, producing a couple of hardback books. "We're a bit less formal these days in DMS. The Slashers still like to go nuts with their exorcisms, but the canon's been so strained lately that a smack across the head with a source of canon'll usually do the trick unless it's serious. This is just a bit of angst, so you'll be fine." She straightened up and put her pack back on, then pulled her neuralyser and a pair of sunglasses from her pocket. "Here." She tossed them to him and handed over the books. "There you go."
"Huh, so policy has changed a little." Himrod caught the sunglasses and neuralyser easily, then grabbed the books once he'd got the glasses to fit right, noting them with approval. "I should be able to track down Fort... Forth... the archer and Tyrilden easily enough - whatever you do with those two, please let me give them proper Elvish names before you do it - so I'll send them down when I find them. I'll just set them to tracking down the rest of the brothers and get over to Thranduil's study; that might be easier." The former agent made one last check of himself to make sure he had everything in order, then gave Cara a confident grin. "This shouldn't be too bad; I'll meet you at the courtyard once I've exorcised him and found the real Legolas."
"Good luck." Cara hitched up her pack, put on an expression of intent determination, and set off down the right-hand corridor.
***
Miriam paused to catch her breath. She'd started reading the charges as soon as Cara and Himrod left, and had no doubt justified the kill by now, but at the same time it didn't quite feel right to leave it unfinished. Besides, the Stu wasn't exactly going anywhere, particularly not since he was already bleeding from the times she'd used her rapier to prod him awake. An experimental poke and the resulting grunt proved that he hadn't drifted off again, so she skimmed the list quickly and took another breath for good measure.
"...On top of these charges, we - which is to say, I - also find you guilty of the following: annoying an agent by almost passing out and making me waste a perfectly good charge list; several counts of mucking with the timeline; a number of continuity errors; confusing Valinor and Aman; criminally inept formatting; being way too whiny - and when a World One teenager's telling you that, you know you have a problem - and therefore annoying the agents; somehow taking place over several days and yet never giving the agents time to get any sleep, thus - again - annoying them; clearly having no idea how Tolkien's Elves work, basically making this a Lord of the Rings fic in name only; making Thranduil cry; nearly deafening agents with one of your obnoxious Author's Notes, and being mean to a cat."
The Stu, despite already being battered, drug-addled, and bleeding from a number of small puncture wounds, still managed to look very confused. "What the hell are you t-"
Since Miriam had no intention on answering the Stu's question, she saw no reason to let him finish it. Instead, his last words were cut off with a pained shout and a gurgle as the rapier pierced his lung before being withdrawn and stabbed into the side of his neck, then pulled away. While either wound in itself was fatal, the result of both was that "Stugolas," as Miriam had unaffectionately dubbed the character-replacement, died within seconds and left a rather bloody corpse. If nothing else, she supposed Ettore's fencing lessons were effective; she was hardly a natural, but the stabs had done exactly what he'd taught her they would do, and she had to admit that she was getting better at killing things, regardless of how comfortable with it she was.
Of course, some things - like particularly infuriating Stus - just deserved it. As she cleaned the blood off her sword, though, a rather more important question came to mind. "All right, so where do I dump the body?"
***
Luckily, Fortarthin and Tyrilden had been as easy to find as Himrod hoped. Once he told them that he had an announcement regarding Legolas's condition, they'd both been more than willing to go looking for his brothers, assuming he just wanted to speak to Thranduil privately. Technically they were right, but the healer saw no need to give them the exact details. Instead, he made his way to Thranduil's study; according to the story, the Elvenking was away now, but with the chapter interrupted, he could be anywhere people wanted him, if those people knew how to shape the Word Worlds. When Himrod knocked at the door, he was promptly told to come in.
"Forgive me for the interruption, Your Majesty," Himrod said, bowing slightly. "I wouldn't have come so suddenly, but I have news regarding Legolas. I believe his condition is improving, but there were other matters I wished to address."
"What matters?" Thranduil straightened up, looking concerned. "Has he been ill? Would that explain some of his behaviour recently? Kethiron, if you know anything, please tell me."
"This isn't something I've dealt with in some time," the healer admitted. "However, I recognised the symptoms easily, so I was able to treat him. He should be fine once he's had some rest, but I believe you may be affected as well."
Thranduil regarded him cautiously. "What do you mean, 'affected'?"
"You've both been acting very strangely these past few days," Himrod explained, shuffling the books in his arms. "Neither of you have been yourselves; while it isn't as severe in your case, I've still noticed the symptoms. I'm afraid that this may be the Enemy's influence at work, but I hope you're merely ill; I'll be checking on the two of you after treatment just to be sure."
"That may be best," the Elvenking agreed. "And if the Enemy does have a hand in this?"
Himrod shrugged. "If that is the case, we'll know; it's merely a suspicion at the moment, Your Majesty. For now, though, I would like to give you a treatment and see what happens."
"What, exactly, would this treatment involve?"
This made Himrod pause for a moment. "I won't lie, Your Majesty... it might hurt."
Before Thranduil could say anything else, the healer took one of the books and threw it at him, striking the Elvenking in the forehead and knocking him to the floor.
"Avaunt!"
***
"...so you see, even if we fix things, you're going to have to leave for your own safety." Cara was explaining as calmly as she could to an understandably worried Isilihir, his wife and their two sons as they headed down towards the courtyard. "If I'm lucky one of the others'll already be there and they'll have explained it to your brothers."
"And if they haven't?" the uncanonical Elven prince asked. Cara resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
"I'll have to do it myself, won't I?" She led the way out, and smiled with relief on seeing Miriam already there with the assorted bit-characters. Fortarthin and Huirlith were unreadable, but for the most part the bits seemed content with Miriam's explanation. Raedian was the exception, as he seemed to be completely unbelieving and had clearly been arguing with the young agent right up until Cara and Isilihir had arrived. As soon as he saw his older brother, the Elf stormed over, looking as if he were unsure whether to be flustered or simply infuriated.
"You don't really believe these two, do you?" he asked, frustration evident in his tone. "I don't know what they've done with Legolas, but they're clearly insane! And that one," he nodded to Miriam, "won't stop mocking my name!"
Miriam sighed. "Nobody appreciates a good pun these days..."
"Probably because there's no such thing, Miri." Cara shook her head and turned to Raedian. "I'm sorry, but this is the truth. I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us, just as soon as we know for sure everything else has been taken care of."
Raedian gave Cara an even look. "I suppose I don't exactly have a choice, do I?"
"That's right," Himrod cut in, as he made his way into the courtyard. "We're trying to do you a favour here, you know."
All the healer accomplished with his comment was getting the prince to round on him. "You're in on this, Kethiron?"
"Wish I wasn't, but yes." He raised a hand to cut Raedian off before the other Elf could go into another tirade. "Look, you may find it hard to believe - Valar know I did when I was recruited - but that really doesn't matter right now; the point is that we can't let you stay here, since the canon won't reassert itself correctly until you're out."
"But Tyrilden and Fortarthin can stay?" Raedian scoffed.
"They're not royals," Himrod countered. "All I have to do is wipe their memories and give them proper names, and they'll assimilate just fine. You and your brothers can't, because you're Thranduil's sons."
"That's pretty much it," Cara added, as pacifyingly as she could. "We can't let you stay here, so we're taking you back with us. Legolas and Thranduil'll be fine." She paused and gave Himrod a wary glance. "You have found the real Legolas, haven't you?"
Himrod nodded. "They're both neuralysed. If everything still works like it did when I was around, the canon should snap back as soon as this lot is out." He turned his attention to Tyrilden and Fortarthin, who were still watching indifferently. "Now, you two look over here, all right? Everyone else, close your eyes."
Flash!
"All right, I won't be needing this any more," he said once he was sure he'd got both Elves, tossing the neuralyser to Cara. "Now listen; Legolas has no siblings, and he is the only person in Thranduil's family that you know aside from the Elvenking himself. You," he added, looking directly at the archery tutor, "your name is actually Iordir. And you -" to the general - "you're Dochanar. You're both good friends, and you often practise archery and swordplay together; in fact, you're on your way to one such session now, so shift yourselves." A few seconds passed, and then the two Elves walked away. Himrod turned back to the agents. "Everything work out for you?"
"Pretty sure we're ready," Miriam said. "Raedian's the only one who was giving me real trouble."
"Well, excuse me -" the argumentative prince began, but it was Isilihir of all people who cut him off.
"All right, Raedian," the eldest of the brothers said firmly, "arguing about this is going to help nobody. I'm not happy with the situation either, but it's this or nothing." He turned to the two Assassins. "Ladies, if we're to leave, let's do so and get it over with."
Miriam grinned. "Sounds good to me; I'll open a portal to Personnel, save us the walk." No sooner had she spoken than she'd pulled her R.A. out and dialled the co-ordinates in, summoning the familiar blue doorway. "All right, this is gonna be a little weird, particularly since the Marquis is a giant Daisy, so stick together. Especially you two," she added, giving Isilihir's sons - particularly the younger one, who appeared to be around Stephanie's age - a look. "After you talk to him, they'll probably send you to FicPsych for a renaming and orientation, but don't worry; we'll help you get there on the way back to our RC. Any questions before we go?"
"I think we can save our questions," Isilihir said firmly, to prevent any objections. "I'm sure we can find out what we need to know once we're there."
"Have it your way." Cara shrugged and turned to Himrod. "It's been nice working with you. There's no chance we can persuade you to come back...?"
Himrod looked seriously tempted, and almost replied without thinking, but the smile soon faded, and he shook his head. "It was fun, but my place is here for now. I'm not ready to go back to PPC work yet, not unless you can somehow guarantee that I'll get to work in Medical."
"We're going back to HQ anyway," Miriam pointed out. "Can't we just bring you over there, and you can talk to Doc Fitz?"
"I'd like to," Himrod said, "but it wouldn't be right. For now, at least, I'm doing more good here than I would be as an agent. Maybe, in time, I'll decide to come back; besides, we may run into each other again sometime, with how many fanbrats go after Legolas." He chuckled, offering a slightly sad smile as he handed Cara's books and sunglasses back to her. "Still, take care; it's nice to see that the new blood apparently know what they're doing. Next time you see that Sunflower, give him my regards."
"Thanks." Cara laughed wryly as she stuffed the items haphazardly back into her bag. "I'm sure he'll be ever so touched to know he's remembered. You take care too." She slung the pack over her shoulder and waved towards the portal. "All right, everyone, come on." She stepped through, giving Himrod a wave, and the Elves followed uncertainly.
Himrod returned the wave as agents and royals stepped through the portal, and let out a relieved sigh once it snapped shut. As soon as the last traces of Uncanon were gone, the Generic Elven Palace faded out of existence, replaced by trees as the real Mirkwood reasserted itself. He blinked, startled, but relaxed quickly; anything short of a spiderweb was better than that hideous palace, and he couldn't be far away from the caves. He figured he could do with the walk anyway. He had a lot to think about, now, and it was a way to avoid dwelling on it until he found a good time, such as when he wasn't in the actual forest. With that in mind, and feeling as if a weight had been removed from his shoulders, he turned around and set off.
***
The Marquis de Sod was in a good mood, or at least as close to a good mood as he ever usually got. He'd managed to annoy at least a dozen agents today already and hadn't received a single death threat. A good record, he thought as he shuffled some papers.
A portal opened several feet from his desk, and he tilted his bloom towards it, his good mood evaporating instantly. A few moments later, a blonde Assassin stepped through, followed by a number of Elves and another Assassin before the portal closed. He recognised the two agents, though he hadn't seen them for some time.
Agent Fielding. Agent Collins. May I ask why you so politely barged into my office?
"Oh, you'll live, it's how half the new recruits off missions arrive." Cara was in no mood for bickering. "We've got seven new recruits that need registering and sending to FicPsych."
Miriam looked like she was about to say something, then stopped to think. "Is the little one - uh, what was his name again, Isilihir? - technically a recruit? I mean, he can't be much older than Steph."
"His name's Erenial," Isilihir began, but he was cut off by the Flower's permanently sarcastic tone.
Was he brought back from a mission? Yes? Then he is a recruit, if one technically too young for missions as of yet. Do engage your brain occasionally, Agent Collins. The Marquis opened a drawer and pulled out a very thick stack of forms. You'll find seven sets there. I'm sure you can help fill them in. Hand them in at FicPsych and they'll be returned to me. Now go away. I'm busy.
"Nice to see you in such a good mood, sir," Cara replied snippily as she pulled the door open. "Come on, you lot. This is going to take a long time..."
Authors' Notes: (Kyle) I apologise for the huge time gap between this mission and the last; there is nothing I can say to justify it, as I have no excuse other than sheer laziness/apathy and school concerns. As for Himrod, we didn't include him in the disclaimer because it would've spoiled the surprise, but he is my agent and therefore the part concerning my/our agents applies to him as well. For those curious, the recruits' new names are as follows: Sídhion (Huirlith); Maeron (Silithion); Morfindir (Raedian); Thandir (Isilihir); Eirien (Isilihir's wife, who wasn't named); Tatharlas (Daeral) and Nenion (Erenial). We're not entirely sure what we'll do with the lot of them yet, other than that Morfindir and Thandir will be partnered - possibly in Bad Slash - and Nenion and Eirien will be living with them. Tatharlas will be partnered with one of mine, and I may write those two in things; Maeron should probably be put on caffeine and given a very energetic partner, to balance his lethargy. Anyone who wants/needs some agents can use them, if they want, as the only one I've taken for myself is Tatharlas.
(Cassie): Whew. As said, this one took a lot of time to drag ourselves through, but thanks must go to Neshomeh for giving us the incentive to get up off our backsides and finish it. We've been planning and plotting it since September last year and I'm absolutely thrilled to have it finally done. I hope those of you who're still reading by this point have enjoyed it as much as I have writing it. Evening, y'all. Cassie out.
Warnings: There is some violence due to the nature of the PPC, but nothing very graphic. There is also mild language.
The Department of Implausible Crossovers was definitely more interesting to navigate than most of HQ, Cara admitted to herself as she edged forwards. Most of HQ’s walls, floors and ceilings were eye-blurring grey, but at least you could see them. The DIC’s corridors were black, and with a distinct lack of proper lighting, you were pretty much groping blindly most of the time there.
Thud.
“Eru-sodding-damnit!” Cara bent down to rub her knee, which had collided with an unexpected corner, and began grumbling under her breath about the stupid idiot who’d thought it a good idea to put said corner there.
"Lumos." A sudden beam of light illuminated the scene. “Is there a problem?”
“Yes, there bloody well is,” she grumbled as she straightened up and faced the person who’d just enquired into her well-being. “I ran into the wall. You should complain to the Lichen about getting better lighting in this place.”
The newcomer just chuckled. “I’ll think about it.” He pushed back the hood of his pale blue robes and examined the situation by the light of his wand. “Let me guess, you were coming to visit me?”
Cara couldn’t help but smile at her ex-partner’s faux-hopeful expression. “I was on my way back to my RC, actually, and the architecture decided to send me this way. Sorry to disappoint, William.”
“I’m heartbroken.” He laughed again and gave her a hug. “I take it I can’t persuade you to come back to my place for a quick visit?”
“And leave Miriam to face the next mission by herself? No, thank you.”
“Pity. We don’t see nearly as much of each other as we used to. I’ll go with you, anyway; I’m not in the mood for another mission just yet.”
“Been awkward lately?” she asked sympathetically as they set off and rounded a corner into the regular corridors again.
“Not so much awkward as just plain bizarre.” He sighed. “Sometimes I wish they didn’t have such a good excuse to put me on Potterverse crossovers. For one thing, I’m fairly certain Harry was never Eragon in disguise.”
The blonde woman’s face was sympathetic. “That’s really got to suck. Nobody likes doing Eragon.”
“Ginny Weasley seemed to disagree with you there,” he muttered as he ran one hand through his hair in a futile attempt to tidy it. Cara suppressed a snicker, and patted him on the back comfortingly.
“You fixed it, though, didn't you?”
“Yes, I sorted it. It’s getting ridiculous, though. It’s not like Harry really needs extra powers; he’s the Boy Who Lived, for Merlin’s sake, he doesn’t need all that other stuff! And I’m fairly certain a dragon would not have been one of his favourite animals, not after the Horntail.”
“You’re getting overprotective again,” she reminded him, amused.
“It used to be my job to be overprotective.” He shrugged. “My author had me tailing him for a year just to make sure he didn't get into trouble, remember.”
“Yeah. Still, at least you can stop him getting into other trouble now.”
"How's Stephanie?" he asked after a few moments of awkward silence, changing the subject.
"About the same as usual. Haven't you been down to see her lately?"
"...I've been distracted." He looked rather sheepish, and more so as she gave him a knowing look.
"Researching again?"
"I bumped into a few people and got chatting, and they suggested a few new approaches to my project..."
"And you just couldn't wait to try them out," she finished with a fond smile, though that faded into expectant disapproval. "Have you been eating and sleeping properly? I bet you haven't."
"Well..." His expression resembled that of a teenager caught out in the middle of trouble. Cara sighed.
"Do I have to start coming round every other day to make you eat and sleep again?"
"Nobody's going to make you," William protested lightly, "but company would be nice."
"Then maybe you could go and see Stephanie," she retorted, giving him a light thump on the arm. "She misses her Uncle William."
"Ow. All right, fair point, I'll go straight down to see her after you kick me out." He rubbed his arm briefly and gave her a smile. "I miss her, too."
After a few seconds, the pair realised their talk had led them all the way back to RC #96. Cara opened the door slowly, checking to see whether her partner was awake. “Miriam? ‘s just me and William, okay?”
The first sign of any life in the RC was the sound of a low groan, followed by the rustling of sheets as the younger Assassin forced herself awake. Once Miriam was out of bed and managed to wrestle her usual coat on, she turned to them just long enough to offer a little wave. "'lo, Will," she said. "Er, William, I mean, sorry. Anyway, see Cara dragged ya in again. 's going on?"
"Not much," the former Auror replied, not bothering to hide his grin. "Your beloved partner here managed to get herself lost in the DIC corridors until I turned up to get her out, and I invited myself back here. If I'd known you were asleep, though, I wouldn't have barged in."
"'Got lost', my backside," Cara snorted, dropping into a chair. "I told you, it's the lighting."
"Better lights wouldn't have made you any less lost," he pointed out as he leaned against the door frame comfortably. "Anyway, Miri, how've you been?"
Miriam took the chair near Cara's before she responded, rubbing sleep from her eyes as she thought over the question. "Sore as all hell," she grumbled. "Dunno what made me think fencing lessons were a good idea."
"Because that way you'll actually know how to defend yourself in a fight." William shook his head in mock-despair. "You need to know something about fighting in this job. How've things been, anyway?" he added, giving his former partner a smile.
Cara shrugged. "Oh, fairly quiet. Nothing too interesting, eh, Miri?"
"Aside from that Nazgul!Sue a couple days back?" Miriam asked. "Nothing I can really think of, no."
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
"Okay, we walked right into that," the younger agent said, making her way to the console. A few button presses later, Miriam was reading the Intel report with a rather amused expression. "Ah, this one might actually be interesting. It's about Legolas again."
"So? We get Legomances all the time."
"No, no," Miriam started, raising a hand to cut Cara off. "Legolas is the Stu, this time. You still have your exorcism stuff, right?"
Cara paused for a moment to process that. "Legolas is the Stu?"
"Yep!" Miriam, Cara decided, sounded far too enthusiastic. "A lot of OCs, too, but none of 'em seem killable. Besides, we get to be Elves again."
The older agent couldn't help but sigh. "Miri, Elves aren't that awesome. They're just taller, more graceful, better-looking... more skilful... immortal... oh, whatever, they're not that awesome."
"I'll take this as my exit cue," William cut in, before any species-related bickering could break out. He'd seen them arguing over the topic before. "It was nice to see you again, Miriam. Take care, both of you." With a nod to both women, he slipped out.
"Yeah, see you." Cara waved absently as she began reading the fic report. Within a few paragraphs, she was demonstrating her finely honed skill of eye-rolling. "Head, meet wall. All right, let's go and off bratty teenager Legolas. I'll grab the exorcism kit." She moved away from the console and began shoving items of use into her bag while Miriam grabbed her sword and rucksack. Once both agents were ready, a quick series of button presses activated both disguises and portal, and they stepped through to begin the mission.
Mercifully, the portal brought them past the beginning notes in favour of dumping them just outside Stu!Legolas's room. The sounds of the replaced canon attempting to break his fists against the door in a childish tantrum were irritating, but they didn't wear on the agents' patience anywhere near as much as the droning of the notes would have.
Cara leaned against the wall, examining the words. "Oh, the poor dear," she murmured a few seconds later, her voice absolutely dripping with false sympathy. "He's grounded for a whole month, and it's so awful being a Prince of Mirkwood... to hell with this, stick 'wangst' on the charge list." A few moments later, as the scene abruptly jumped to the next morning without any sort of warning, she swore rather vehemently. Luckily, she'd mastered the art of keeping her voice down as well as that of eye-rolling, so nobody noticed that there were suddenly two extra Elves in the dining room. As soon as Legolas sat down, another Elf - whom the Words introduced as Raedian, Legolas's elder brother - began to taunt him, only to be stopped by Thranduil. While the ridiculous name made Miriam snigger, Cara just sighed.
"Oh, Eru, not the 'Legolas has brothers' theory again," she muttered, while Thranduil and his uncanonical sons discussed patrols on Mirkwood's eastern border. Her partner, on the other hand, didn't seem to be in quite the same mood, judging by the look on her face.
"It's not that bad," Miriam said. "At the least, he doesn't do anything that'd deserve killing. I don't think Legolas should be sitting that close to him, though..."
"Um, why?"
"He could be radioactive."
The blonde woman frowned, looked at Raedian again, and then sank her face into her hands with a groan. "Miriam, that was a truly horrible pun."
Miriam just grinned in response. "Don't blame me, I didn't name him."
"I know, but that was still awful." Despite herself, however, a smile crept across Cara's face.
It vanished instantly as she spotted the Words declaring that Raedian was over a millennium older than Legolas. "What the -? Elves didn't do that!" She resisted the urge to headwall at the improbably large age gap, and instead just glared as it was established that the older brother was rude and complained about everything. Once Thranduil's attempts at making conversation fell through, Legolas's doppelgänger decided to leave, unaware of the two extra Elves shadowing him as he made his way out.
However, he didn't get far before another Elf appeared and called out to him. This OC, introduced as "Fortarthin" (at which point the agents decided that the author clearly had no idea what real Elf names were), seemed to exist mostly for exposition, as the rest of the chapter consisted of him interrogating Legolas in an attempt to find out why the prince had been grounded. Once Legolas answered his questions, Fortarthin left as suddenly as he showed up, and the scene shifted to another of Legolas's "brothers" - this one by the name of Isilihir, or "Izzy" - stalking through the corridors. The agents weren't far behind, but the chapter was so brief that there was barely any time to do anything but follow them before the character replacement was brought to Thranduil's study and the chapter came to an end, forcing Miriam to stop mocking Isilihir's nickname as the Elf in question suddenly turned to leave.
To her credit, the younger agent thought quickly enough to avoid a potentially awkward scene, as she pulled Cara aside and began to whisper fast-paced nonsense regarding the Mirkwood spiders in what she hoped was a convincing attempt at conversation. Luckily, the "Crown Prince" of Mirkwood barely even glanced at the two Elves before heading off to take care of other business. Once the two were sure Isilihir was really gone and Legolas had entered the study, Miriam cast a look around and nodded.
"All right, that was probably my fault," she admitted as she crept up to the door. "That whole chapter was a waste anyway; hopefully we can get some actual charges here."
"Agreed," Cara said dryly. "I've warned you about the time and place problem before." She leaned against the door, listening carefully. "Sounds to me like they're having an oh-so-typical teenager-parent argument."
She peered through a crack in the door, and glared at the sight of Thranduil acting as though skipping court was the most heinous of crimes. "Oh please, he's the youngest of your kids, apparently. Why's it such a big deal?" The blonde woman suddenly froze as she scanned the Words, her voice tense with restrained fury. "Miriam?"
"Yes?"
"Did the author just use the term 'had of'?"
"Calling it a term might be giving her too much credit." Miriam couldn't help but roll her eyes at the canons' bickering. It was tempting to just tune them out as Thranduil began lecturing his son and going on about how none of his brothers would have skipped court, but she knew that wasn't an option, particularly when she was supposed to be keeping an ear out for charges. "You'd think the fanbrats would at least write about races they actually know something about; Thranduil's got to be poss-"
She was suddenly cut off when Thranduil asked Legolas if he'd like to burn down the forest, only to be told that the young Elf would rather burn him down. Miriam blinked, then checked the Words as the situation continued to devolve before she gave Cara a disbelieving look. "You didn't hear that, right? There's no way Legolas actually said that!"
Judging by the look of sheer fury on Cara's face, she had heard it. "Yes. Well, we know he's a Stu, so that could explain it... but still, saying that to Thranduil... insensitive little piece of - Flaming Denethor!"
She nearly staggered, gaping through the gap at Thranduil, who had just suggested that his son was born with "a mutation" in his personality. If that hadn't thrown the two women off, Legolas attacking Thranduil certainly did, and Miriam cursed repeatedly under her breath while she added to the charge list. Fortunately, neither of them were noticed by the guards that took Legolas from the study, and they quickly stalked after the group once they'd taken a moment to calm themselves. The agents followed the trio in silence at first, but had to back off when Isilihir materialised behind the guards, nearly provoking another tirade from Miriam when she just avoided a collision with the OC.
"I hate it when they do that," she snarled, glaring daggers at the fake Legolas as Isilihir dismissed the guards and ordered him to go to his quarters.
"I hate the fact that people think it's okay to make an Elf act like such an utterly spoilt brat, and then call him Legolas," was the reply, as the Elf in question smirked at the guards leaving. "And this guy is definitely not the real deal."
"Really? I didn't notice Legolas suddenly turning into a bloody sociopath." Miriam's voice dripped with sarcasm, but the scene shifted to Legolas's bedroom before she could comment further, forcing the agents to find something to hide behind as Isilihir settled himself on the bed and began to argue with Legolas. "Oh, brilliant. More family drama."
"Hmm." Cara looked almost approving as the uncanonical elder brother began bawling Legolas out for his rudeness. "That's an impressive set of lungs he's got there."
"Tell me about it." Miriam was already holding her hands close to her ears in anticipation of Isilihir's inevitable outburst. "Maybe we should introduce him to the Queen Anne's Lace when we're done here."
"Recruitment?" the older woman asked, interested. "You think we should grab him?"
"It's that or killing him, I think." her partner shrugged, trying to keep her voice low enough that they wouldn't be heard by the other Elves in the room. "He's a royal, Cara; I don't think he or his brothers'll assimilate too well if we leave 'em here."
"You want to get them all?" Cara leaned against the wall, thinking it over. "Well, it's not impossible, and I don't think they've done enough to warrant us killing them.... oh, all right. We'll have to keep track of them, then. He seems to have new ones popping up all over the place. Make a note, okay? We've already seen Raedian and Isilihir."
Miriam nodded, and quickly wrote the two names down on one of the margins of her charge list. "I think a couple others pop up, but I didn't get that good a look back at the RC. I'll keep an eye out, though." The younger woman looked over the charges for a moment, but the slightest hint of a grin appeared just before Isilihir began screaming at Legolas. "Maybe I can borrow Raedian if it ever gets too cold; Moira does in a pinch, but I prefer radiators that won't burn me if I'm not wearing fireproof gear."
Any retort Cara might have made was drowned out by the impressively capslocked bellowing of Isilihir, but her facepalm was more than expressive enough to convey what she thought of that pun.
Miriam's hands went over her ears as soon as the non-canonical Elf raised his voice, and she winced just as much at the yelling as her own pun. Instead of trying to talk over the enraged royal, she offered an apologetic little nod to her partner as they waited for him to stop shouting.
Eventually, Legolas was forced to admit that his behaviour towards Thranduil had been unacceptable, and Isilihir finally calmed down. Once the rant had finished, and the older Elf asked Legolas why he'd behaved that way to begin with, the replacement broke down and began crying on Isilihir's shoulder. Neither of them were aware of the two additional Elves in the room, who were perfecting the art of eye-rolling as the scene came to an end and had to jump back as they were suddenly transported back to Thranduil's study, where Isilihir was busy talking to the king - without yelling, somehow - about how badly he'd hurt Legolas.
"Oh, cry me a river," Miriam sighed. "It's not Thranduil's fault 'Legolas' tried to kill him. Though really, he's starting to look like he's Thranduil in name only."
Cara was watching the Elvenking with a slight frown. "I don't know, Miri. Given he's just had a massive bust-up with his son, I'd say that wasn't a far-off reaction of how a dad would react. It seems pretty realistic, actually."
"Yeah, a dad with a sixteen-year-old, maybe; I almost wonder if this author's even read the books."
"I sort of doubt it, but you never know, with some of them." Cara paused, nibbling at a fingernail absently as she listened to Isilihir's recommendations, then frowned. "Huh. What do you know? Apparently Gandalf is an expert on parenting now." She straightened up and re-read the Words. "...Oh, sod."
"Huh? What's up?" Miriam had stopped paying attention for a moment, but her expression matched Cara's own once she'd looked the chapter over again. "Glaurung! This could be tough, if he's a dad; I didn't see his kids mentioned anywhere."
"Let's not panic..." Cara closed her eyes, trying to think. "If we... wait till it's time to recruit... he can lead us to them. They'll be somewhere in his apartments, most likely. The kids and his wife. We can find them then."
"Sounds like an idea." Miriam took a breath and looked the Words over again, sure that she'd missed some other mention of Isilihir's wife or children. Unfortunately, she didn't have much luck, and had to abandon the attempt when she saw Legolas moving soundlessly towards his father's study and had to duck out of the way. The replacement ignored them in favour of the Elvenking, but she couldn't help feeling slightly frustrated by the fact that she'd missed the timeskip at the chapter's start. "I need to stop doing that. All right, then, let's watch the sappy makeup scene."
However, things didn't go anywhere near as smoothly as the younger agent predicted, as Legolas and Thranduil were soon at each other's throats again. The attempted reconciliation fell apart just as quickly as it started, and Legolas stormed off after telling Thranduil to forget about rebuilding any relationship between them. A few awkward seconds passed, and then Miriam looked back into the study, unable to suppress a groan on seeing the Elvenking collapsed on his desk.
"Oh, that's brilliant. The S.O. won't mind if I add 'making Thranduil cry' as a charge, right?"
"I doubt it. No matter what happened, I really, really don't see him crying if he and Legolas had a row." Cara rolled her eyes.
"Good; I was gonna throw it in anyway." Miriam jotted down the relevant charge and sighed, muttering to herself about fanbrats that couldn't imagine anyone older than sixteen as she set off to follow Legolas. "C'mon, then; we should at least try to keep up with the wangstbucket."
"Running after him? Nah, I'll walk, thanks. We have... four hours to catch up, anyway." Cara strolled off after her partner, smiling slightly as though she knew something Miriam didn't.
"Four hours, huh? I guess that's not so bad." After thinking about this for a moment, Miriam slowed down a little, eyeing their surroundings with distaste. "They probably should've sent some Pyros down here for this damn palace, though."
"It'll vanish once we remove the noncanon stuff, you know that. If you wanted stuff burning, you should've joined DOGA," the older agent replied as they reached the outer halls. "Watch it!" she yelped, grabbing Miriam's arm as the young woman was about to step outside. "You looking to get killed?"
Miriam jumped back as soon as Cara grabbed her, one hand going to her rapier as she looked around. "What're you on about, Cara?"
In reply, her partner indicated the spears dropping from the sky and shattering all over the ground. "Seriously, pay attention. Poetic images are all well and good in the right places, but here is not one of them," she added, under her breath.
"...Oh. I knew that." Despite this, Miriam looked rather sheepish as she scanned the Words and tracked the Stu down. "At least we didn't miss anything, just a chat with that archery teacher. They're in his room now; want to portal over, or are we taking the long way around?"
"Let's not bother. There's just a bit of talk and then it jumps to the next morning." A slow grin crossed the blonde agent's face. "Breakfast time. Fancy picking a few bits up?"
Her partner couldn't hide her temptation at the offer, and if her wide smile were any indication she didn't even bother. However, her enthusiasm gave way to a more contemplative expression once she'd given it a moment's thought. "Thranduil's gonna be talking with another of Legolas's brothers; think we can get some without being spotted?"
"We're Elves," Cara pointed out. "It'll just look like we're getting breakfast as well." She headed in the direction of the dining hall purposefully, rummaging in her pack for a few of the plastic food bags they tended to bring with them nowadays. "You coming?"
"Of course." Miriam seemed slightly annoyed that Cara needed to ask. "It's that or just standing around here, and I'm hungry anyway."
No more needed to be said, so a portal was quickly opened and the two agents ducked through, emerging unnoticed in the dining room as Thranduil spoke with Silithion, the third of Legolas's uncanonical brothers. More accurately, Silithion asked Thranduil two questions regarding his younger brother, only to be snapped at twice in return before the entire conversation fell flat. Miriam fought down a sigh at the Elvenking's petulance, and set to picking out her breakfast as the Words shifted to a description of Silithion, and Thranduil's own angsting. At the mention of Silithion spending the majority of his days sleeping, she straightened up and pre-emptively placed herself between Cara and the other Elves, shooting her partner a cautious glance as Thranduil moped about wanting to be left alone. "Er, how about I just keep an eye on the fic while you grab our breakfasts? How's that work?"
"Fine," Cara growled. She headed over to the table, but only had time to grab a few items before Thranduil finally left to go and angst in his room, leaving Silithion alone in the dining room. She resisted the urge to thump the uncanonically sleepy Elf across the head, given they'd be recruiting him soon enough, and headed back to Miriam.
"Here, this'll have to do - we're going to have to jump in a second." She handed over about half of what she'd picked up, and started nibbling at a rather overdone slice of bacon.
Miriam frowned a little as she put the offered food in a bag. "That's it? Well, can't be helped I guess; c'mon then, let's get to Legolas before he starts whining again."
One scene shift later, and they were back in the Legolas-replacement's room, mercifully unnoticed thanks to the Stu being caught up in his own internal monologue. Miriam took the liberty to make a slightly distasteful face as Legolas threw himself onto the bed without so much as putting a shirt on. "Ugh. If they're not gonna let us change the channel, you'd think he could at least make up for it by covering up a little."
"If this was the real deal, I'd say shut up and enjoy the view," Cara replied, amused. "But okay, okay, fair point..." She tugged Miriam into a less visible corner. "You still keeping up with the charges?"
"Of course; I'm not exactly a newbie any more." Miriam offered the notepad to her partner, but seemed to have second thoughts once the fic jumped to an hour later, when a servant brought Legolas his breakfast. "Uh, wait, didn't it just say he'd eaten breakfast already? Think I'll have to add a charge for continuity."
"Good idea. Especially since it also says he 'hadn’t ate since that time the previous day'." Cara's tone was the sort one would usually use when referring to something unpleasant on the bottom of a shoe. She glared at the Stu, and thunked her head against the wall. "How many sodding times?! Elves don't sleep!"
Miriam was about to remind Cara to keep her voice down when the Stu took off, causing the younger agent to swear repeatedly under her breath and go for her sword. Luckily, he had only gone to the bathroom, and was soon back with a glass of water. Before either agent could comment on this, he randomly splashed it on a cat sitting on the windowsill; the cat soon retreated, leaving Miriam to fix Legolas with a glare. "Oh, come on, that was just bloody uncalled for!"
Cara's tone was like ice. "Very, very much so." If there was anything she disliked as much as people messing up Tolkien, it was picking on cats. She and Discworld's Death could probably have formed a committee about it. "But oh, it's all right, because at least he feels guilty about it." She paused and frowned. "Hang on... where the hell did they find a cat in Mirkwood?"
Her partner spent the closing author's note and the disclaimer starting the next chapter trying to puzzle out an answer. "Damned if I know," she admitted, watching the Stu evenly as he finally got out of bed after a timeskip. In short order, the fake Legolas blamed his mother for both his own actions and those of his father, earning himself a charge for confusing Aman and Valinor before he started to reflect on how much his brothers loved him.
They were the ones he would go to if he had a problem or needed somebody to confide in; they were the ones that cared for him.
They loved him.
Even Raedian.
"Oh, gag me with a spoon already," the teenage agent sighed, though a slight grin appeared on her face after a second. "Y'know, I think we really could do with a nice radio."
Cara gave her a long look. "Seriously, Miri, that was painful."
Miriam couldn't help a giggle. "Come on, you would've said it if I didn't."
"Actually, I probably wouldn't. I was too busy thinking over all the Freudian excuses Legolas is coming up with to excuse his behaviour." The pale-haired Agent rolled her eyes.
This drew a shrug from the other woman. "I'm just surprised the brat hasn't tried to escape yet. He doesn't even bother until the end of the chapter."
"He is a Stu. He needs maximum angsting time." Cara's eyes unfocused for a few moments. "And apparently so does his dad."
"I just wish the Suethor'd learn how to write paragraphs; I keep tripping over these damn line breaks," Miriam complained. "At least Thranduil's a little less whiny about it; wanna skip to his part?"
"Nah, just chuck in a charge for making him angst over his wife when he knows perfectly well they'll be together again eventually. Oh, and buggering up timelines again." Cara was already tapping at her RA. "We can jump straight to where something actually starts happening."
Miriam gave a quick nod, pausing only to jot down the relevant charge. "Won't hear me complaining if we skip to the interesting stuff." When the portal opened, she stepped aside just enough to let her partner go, and then quickly ran through.
Legolas was already running away by the time both agents arrived, but they weren't far behind. The Words made it easy to track his position, so neither of them had too much trouble keeping up until Fortarthin spontaneously appeared behind Legolas again to keep him from escaping, just as a random scene break sent the two women sprawling for a moment. Once they regained their footing, Miriam snuck a quick look at the Words. "You know, I'm starting to think the archer might be some weird Elf version of Batman. How else could he keep pulling off that whole 'appear out of nowhere and tie up the wrongdoers' thing?"
Cara couldn't help but laugh. "You never know with this sort of fic. Then again... didn't you ever get caught doing things you weren't supposed to? My dad was brilliant at turning up just as things looked their worst."
"Yours too, huh?" Miriam grinned. "Mine liked to make Terry keep an eye on me; whenever I slipped by my brother, dad came down harder on him for letting me get away with it. After the first couple times, I don't think I ever didn't get caught."
"Saved him the trouble, then." Cara smiled. "I was the oldest, so I never had to put up with that."
"Trust me, you're lucky." Miriam didn't get the chance to elaborate on her comment before Legolas ran for it, and instead switched to whispering encouragement at the archer. "Quick, use your Elfarangs!"
Unfortunately, Fortarthin seemed to have different ideas, as he simply grabbed Legolas and wrestled him back on to the path before tying him up. "Aww, they never do it the fun way," the teenage agent muttered with a tone of faux-disappointment. "Oh well; let's follow 'em back to the 'palace', then."
Stifling a giggle, Cara nodded and set off. "You know, I really didn't need the mental image of Elves in skintight Batman outfits running around Mirkwood."
"I dunno, it's not like it's doing any harm." Miriam gave her partner a little wink. "What, would it be easier if it were Aragorn wearing it?"
Quite obviously against her will, a grin spread across Cara's face, followed by a slightly dreamy expression that lasted for some time before she shook her head sharply and thwapped Miriam on the shoulder. "Stop that."
"Oh, fine, just so we can watch Stugolas here get berated." The chapter transition hit then, and they quickly searched for a spot in the courtyard where they wouldn't be noticed. Just as she'd said, the Stu's family wasted no time in chewing him out, though the presence of a random Elf named "Huirlith" threw the teenager off for a moment as she checked the Words. Once she made the connection, she let out a small sigh. "For Eru's sake, just how many brothers is this fic going to give him?"
"Didn't you check the fic before we came in?" Cara watched the scene with amusement as the family stood around shouting, but the smile faded as Legolas began looking rather ill. "...I don't think that's supposed to happen, Miri. Hang on - whoa!" She stepped forwards almost on instinct as the young Elf passed out, but restrained herself just in time as the other Elves hurried to help.
"Do you think that's just for drama, or is there something else up?" she said slowly, clearly thrown.
If Miriam was surprised, she didn't let on to it, as she immediately began looking over the Words for some sort of answer while Fortarthin and one of the new Elves - a general named Tyrilden - looked Legolas over with the aid of some healers. "No dice," she said after a short time. "It doesn't say - not in this chapter, at least. I can keep looking, but we should probably follow the Elves; I want to get a closer look, if nothing else."
"All right." Cara set off after the little group, putting on as convincing an expression of concern as she could. "I've got to wonder how they knew what the recovery position even was, though."
"Anachronistic knowledge. I put the charge down last time I looked ahead."
"Nice work, Junior." She stepped away smartly to avoid any retaliation. As they followed the little entourage into the infirmary (at which there were more grumbles about anachronisms), she stepped behind a curtain to avoid any notice and tugged Miriam with her. "Let's hear the doctor make his vague, yet completely correct diagnosis. I'm sure he will."
Despite being tempted to reply with something scathing, Miriam went along without comment, listening closely as the healer started giving instructions. The subsequent questioning was normal enough at first, but the healer looked directly at their curtain as he asked if Legolas had been "out of character" recently, and if she didn't know better Miriam would've sworn he gave them a sly wink before returning his attention to the other Elves as if nothing had happened. Even after a quick search showed that none of the others seemed to notice them, the young agent stood still for several seconds, utterly silent.
"I think this fic's getting to me, Cara," she said. "I mean, did you see that? The healer just winked at us!"
Cara peeped out, then shook her head. "You must have imagined it. You probably need more sleep. I'll menace the Console for you when we get back. Anyway, keep it down; the whole family's gonna be here in a minute and with things as they are we might get spotted."
"Something's not right about that doctor, but okay."
Fortarthin and the general left soon after their initial exchange with the healer, only for Thranduil and the Stu's brothers to rush in almost immediately. The agents were silent for the exchange between them and the healer, even when they received another half-suspicious glance from the latter as the chapter closed, but they were thrown off as the Word World began shaking furiously for a few moments. Once the world was stable enough that they could let go of the curtain without being tossed to the floor, Miriam looked through the chapter again and let out an irritated groan.
"Oh, Glaurunging brilliant," she said. "Damned author's notes; what's the betting she'd even accept an honest bloody review?"
"You're asking me? Odds are about a million to one."
Miriam sighed again, ignoring the jump forward as the next chapter started. Unfortunately, the insipid dialogue between Legolas and Silithion wasn't so easily tuned out, but the young woman was clearly doing her best to. "My point exactly. At least we don't have to sit through much more of this; only a few chapters left, by my count."
"Thank Eru." Cara tucked into a bit more of the breakfast stuff she'd stolen earlier, which was still rather good even when cold, and watched the fic. "...Huh. Legolas seems to have been up to something other than obnoxious brattiness. Any clue what? It's not saying, other than that he's scared his family knows."
"I'm looking, believe me," was the reply. Miriam was silent for a while, focussed more on the Words than the healers' attempts to force a potion down Legolas-Stu's throat, until it took visible effort to keep herself from swearing aloud. Once she'd calmed herself, she tapped her partner's shoulder. "Look at the end of the chapter; she makes it pretty obvious. When was the last time we saw Legolas turned into a stoner, again?"
Cara stared for a while, then thunked her head against the wall. "Just great. Legolas Pothead. What next?" She rubbed her head, wincing slightly, and turned to watch the reconciliation between Legolas and Thranduil. "Huh. After all that, they can manage one halfway decent attempt at saying sorry."
"Are you really surprised? This kind of fic almost always has a sappy conclusion." Miriam rolled her eyes. "Well, at least it's more for the charge list; I really just wanna strangle this brat, now."
Regardless of whether or not she meant to act on that, Miriam was interrupted when the Stu called a healer in. Once "Kethiron" entered the scene, looking mildly irritated, the young agent was quick to duck behind the curtain. Still curious after the way he'd behaved in the last chapter, she watched him carefully until the scene neared its end. "We're pretty much at the end here; anywhere you fancy killing this lot, Cara?"
"Hmm.. let's wait until the healer leaves in the next chapter, and grab him then. We're going to have to do a fair bit of legwork afterwards anyway, but - OW!" The blonde Assassin cringed and covered her ears as the end-of-chapter Author's Note - "REVIEW!!!!- Screeches like a banshee." - echoed through the room deafeningly.
"One more Author's Note like that and she will screech like a damned banshee..." Miriam said, once her own ears stopped ringing. The following note and the revelation that Legolas-Stu was supposed to be seventeen at the oldest merely made her confused. "Wait, what? Either she worded something badly, or the maths here just got even more screwed up; did I miss something while the last chapter was trying to blow out my ears?"
Cara hesitated. "Well, from what she's saying she wants him to act like a teenager... but she sees to have lost all grip on how Elves age. At seventeen, Legolas'd be equivalent to a ten-year-old at most, but the way he's acting here..." She sighed. "We're just going to have to keep in mind she's writing him as the Elven equivalent of seventeen, or this is going to get messed up really badly."
Her partner just sighed at first, and then nodded. "I'll never understand how people who've apparently read the books can still screw them up this badly."
"Because it's fanfiction, Miri." The older agent smiled slightly. "Remember? 'It's my story, so I can do what I want'?"
Miriam couldn't help a bit of wry laughter. "And now we get to do what we want; just wish this one didn't jump around so much so I could catch some sleep. Or at least get some more time out from behind this Erudamned curtain." The teenager shifted around a bit in an attempt to get more comfortable, and then pulled her notepad out again, looking through the list she had so far. "I'm not going to sit through much more of this; mind keeping an eye on the fic while I do a last check?"
Meanwhile, oblivious to the room's other occupants, the Legolas-Stu was trying to talk Kethiron into allowing him to leave early. The healer refused to budge - with good reason - and even cited Isilihir's orders that he be kept in the infirmary. This, of course, just made the Stu even more petulant, until he had a moment of panic at the idea of his family knowing what had happened.
Kethiron knew exactly what was on his patient's mind and he just shook his head saying earnestly, "I swore, Your Highness. I swore."
Legolas nodded, his heart returning to its normal speed and replied, "And I trust that you'll keep to that oath. But I'm still not happy at having to stay another night!" he finished with a look on his face akin to that on a small child's when they don't get their own way.
The healer couldn't help but burst out laughing.
Legolas-Stu glared at Kethiron, at which point the healer was supposed to jokingly threaten him with another potion, but that didn't happen. Instead, Kethiron continued to laugh, which foiled any attempts at speech until he managed to regain some control of himself, at which point he straightened up and shook his head, one hand still covering his mouth as the occasional chuckle slipped by.
"Oh, Valar, I really can't take this any more," he said, once the sniggering dropped to a more controllable level. "I think we've made our guests wait long enough, don't you?"
Cara went still, looking back at the Words, before her voice dropped very significantly. "Er, Miri? Something's not right here..."
Miriam had to make two attempts to speak. "Gee, you think? The Words don't say anything about guests!"
"Kethiron" snickered again. "It's all right, I've known you two were behind the curtain for a while now. You don't think I'd recognise fellow Assassins?"
The Legolas-Stu's eyes went wide at this. "Assassins?! Kethiron... what're you -" The healer cut him off with a cold look.
"Oh, shut up," he snarled. "Besides, my name's Himrod, not "Kethiron"; you're just lucky I'm not in the mood to snap your neck."
The agents straightened up, and Cara yanked the curtain aside, a mixture of annoyance and confusion on her face. "Fellow Assassins? You're PPC? What - just - what the hell?"
Himrod offered a slight shrug. "Former PPC, technically. Retired back in... what was it, by HQ reckoning? 2007? Well, anyway, I was expecting to end up here about as much as you were, and I'm not sure I want to know just how long I've been flicking between this place and the real Mirkwood."
She blinked, trying to assimilate this concept. "...You retired? To Mirkwood? What are you, nuts? No, wait, stupid question. Why'd you end up here?"
"I didn't even know for sure that I was here until you two showed up," the ex-Assassin replied. "I retired to Mirkwood to work as a healer, so I guess the Words took me when they needed a 'healer' character or some rubbish; do I look like a Flower? Or even Makes-Things? All that matters is that I'm here, and you two don't have to worry about me stealing your kill."
"Well, that's nice of you," she said dryly. "Himrod, was it? I'm Cara. Nice to meet you." She offered her hand with a conciliatory sort of smile.
Himrod took her hand eagerly, bowing his head slightly after he shook. "It's a pleasure. I assume the other one would be your partner?" As he asked, he shot Miriam a glance, who managed to nod after a second's blinking.
"I'm Miriam," she offered. Instead of giving her hand, though, she gave the Stu a quick nod, as he had already slipped off the bed and was attempting to sneak past the trio. Recognising the gesture, Himrod looked over his shoulder and kicked back, catching the Legolas-replacement in the side; as he was already weakened from the drug abuse, the Stu was knocked off his feet by the sudden kick, and stuck the wall as he fell. A few more kicks from Himrod dissuaded him from getting up - or, indeed, doing much of anything other than groaning - and the healer turned back to the agents.
"Amazing what passes for an Elf these days." This comment earned him a Look from both women, and he raised his hands a little. "All right, it doesn't pass, that's why you're here. You know what I meant."
"Um." This unexpectedly violent subduing - for an Elf, anyway; she was more than used to behaving that way herself - seemed to throw Cara a little off balance. Luckily, she quickly rallied. "Yeah. Er, on that note, maybe you could give us a hand? This is going to be a big job."
This earned her a grin. "I thought you'd never ask," Himrod said. "Thranduil's showing all the signs of possession, and Legolas here is obviously a replacement, so I'll take care of those two; no offence, but I'm a native, so if nothing else I can get their trust. Besides, at least this wraith hasn't gone for smut. What are you going to do with the other royals?"
"We were gonna recruit 'em," Miriam explained. "Figured they didn't do anything worth killing for, but we have to get 'em out somehow."
Himrod nodded. "Fair enough; killing them all might be more trouble than it's worth, anyway. Which of you wants to round them up? The other's going to have to stay here and kill the Stu while we take care of that."
"I think I'd better do it," Cara said quickly. "The rounding up, I mean. There's kids involved, from what I could work out - Isilihir's. No offence, Miri," she added, giving her partner an apologetic look, "but you're not a people person."
Miriam chuckled a little. "I'll say. Besides, taking the replacement down a peg's gonna be more fun than dealing with some brat."
Himrod just shrugged again. "If it works that way, we'll do it," he said. "Are you likely to need any help with the round-up, Cara? We can bring the brothers to the courtyard, then you take Isilihir off to find his lot while I deal with Legolas and the Elvenking. Then everyone can meet back there when all the jobs are done; how's that work?"
"Works for me. And I should be fine, thanks all the same. If I can deal with Lord Elrond in a temper, I can deal with a few confused bits." Cara was already making her way towards the door. "Though if you run into any of them, sending them down to the courtyard'd help."
"No sense waiting around, then," Himrod replied, not far behind Cara. "Have to admit, it'll be nice having a partner again, for a little while."
"You get used to it, huh? See you, Miri," she added absently over her shoulder, before she and Himrod closed the infirmary door behind them to leave the teenager to work. "How long were you with the PPC, then? And how'd you manage to get them to let you quit?"
"I'd say thirteen years or so," Himrod answered. "As for quitting... well, technically we can quit whenever we want, or at least in theory. I just eventually put my foot down and said I'd had enough; even on Arda, I was a warrior far longer than I was a healer. When I came to the PPC, the War of the Last Alliance had just ended." He allowed a wry grin to creep across his face. "You can see why I'd eventually get tired of bloodshed."
"Yeah... shame, really. We can usually use people who keep their heads in a crisis, and given what you just got dragged through, I'd have thought that counts."
The Elf thought about this for a few seconds, brushing some hair out of his eyes. "I guess you could say that," he eventually said. "All it really boils down to is that I'd got sick of it. There was no way I could transfer to Medical, and part of me just wanted to leave for a while. Besides, I doubt I missed that much in three years."
"You'd be surprised," she replied lightly. "I joined right at the beginning of '07, and we've had enough going on to keep things busy. Given you were after peace and quiet, though, it's probably a good thing."
They reached an intersection in the corridors, and she nodded towards the left. "See you down in the courtyard?"
Himrod nodded again, and nearly left at that, but stopped short. "I'll need an exorcism kit, won't I?" he asked dryly, noting the agent's bag. "I'll look a little silly if I try to get rid of that Wraith without so much as a candle... though I could probably use a neuralyser, too, if you have one. I don't think Thranduil would be happy if he remembered me throwing the book at him."
"Of course." She shrugged off her pack and rummaged through it, producing a couple of hardback books. "We're a bit less formal these days in DMS. The Slashers still like to go nuts with their exorcisms, but the canon's been so strained lately that a smack across the head with a source of canon'll usually do the trick unless it's serious. This is just a bit of angst, so you'll be fine." She straightened up and put her pack back on, then pulled her neuralyser and a pair of sunglasses from her pocket. "Here." She tossed them to him and handed over the books. "There you go."
"Huh, so policy has changed a little." Himrod caught the sunglasses and neuralyser easily, then grabbed the books once he'd got the glasses to fit right, noting them with approval. "I should be able to track down Fort... Forth... the archer and Tyrilden easily enough - whatever you do with those two, please let me give them proper Elvish names before you do it - so I'll send them down when I find them. I'll just set them to tracking down the rest of the brothers and get over to Thranduil's study; that might be easier." The former agent made one last check of himself to make sure he had everything in order, then gave Cara a confident grin. "This shouldn't be too bad; I'll meet you at the courtyard once I've exorcised him and found the real Legolas."
"Good luck." Cara hitched up her pack, put on an expression of intent determination, and set off down the right-hand corridor.
***
Miriam paused to catch her breath. She'd started reading the charges as soon as Cara and Himrod left, and had no doubt justified the kill by now, but at the same time it didn't quite feel right to leave it unfinished. Besides, the Stu wasn't exactly going anywhere, particularly not since he was already bleeding from the times she'd used her rapier to prod him awake. An experimental poke and the resulting grunt proved that he hadn't drifted off again, so she skimmed the list quickly and took another breath for good measure.
"...On top of these charges, we - which is to say, I - also find you guilty of the following: annoying an agent by almost passing out and making me waste a perfectly good charge list; several counts of mucking with the timeline; a number of continuity errors; confusing Valinor and Aman; criminally inept formatting; being way too whiny - and when a World One teenager's telling you that, you know you have a problem - and therefore annoying the agents; somehow taking place over several days and yet never giving the agents time to get any sleep, thus - again - annoying them; clearly having no idea how Tolkien's Elves work, basically making this a Lord of the Rings fic in name only; making Thranduil cry; nearly deafening agents with one of your obnoxious Author's Notes, and being mean to a cat."
The Stu, despite already being battered, drug-addled, and bleeding from a number of small puncture wounds, still managed to look very confused. "What the hell are you t-"
Since Miriam had no intention on answering the Stu's question, she saw no reason to let him finish it. Instead, his last words were cut off with a pained shout and a gurgle as the rapier pierced his lung before being withdrawn and stabbed into the side of his neck, then pulled away. While either wound in itself was fatal, the result of both was that "Stugolas," as Miriam had unaffectionately dubbed the character-replacement, died within seconds and left a rather bloody corpse. If nothing else, she supposed Ettore's fencing lessons were effective; she was hardly a natural, but the stabs had done exactly what he'd taught her they would do, and she had to admit that she was getting better at killing things, regardless of how comfortable with it she was.
Of course, some things - like particularly infuriating Stus - just deserved it. As she cleaned the blood off her sword, though, a rather more important question came to mind. "All right, so where do I dump the body?"
***
Luckily, Fortarthin and Tyrilden had been as easy to find as Himrod hoped. Once he told them that he had an announcement regarding Legolas's condition, they'd both been more than willing to go looking for his brothers, assuming he just wanted to speak to Thranduil privately. Technically they were right, but the healer saw no need to give them the exact details. Instead, he made his way to Thranduil's study; according to the story, the Elvenking was away now, but with the chapter interrupted, he could be anywhere people wanted him, if those people knew how to shape the Word Worlds. When Himrod knocked at the door, he was promptly told to come in.
"Forgive me for the interruption, Your Majesty," Himrod said, bowing slightly. "I wouldn't have come so suddenly, but I have news regarding Legolas. I believe his condition is improving, but there were other matters I wished to address."
"What matters?" Thranduil straightened up, looking concerned. "Has he been ill? Would that explain some of his behaviour recently? Kethiron, if you know anything, please tell me."
"This isn't something I've dealt with in some time," the healer admitted. "However, I recognised the symptoms easily, so I was able to treat him. He should be fine once he's had some rest, but I believe you may be affected as well."
Thranduil regarded him cautiously. "What do you mean, 'affected'?"
"You've both been acting very strangely these past few days," Himrod explained, shuffling the books in his arms. "Neither of you have been yourselves; while it isn't as severe in your case, I've still noticed the symptoms. I'm afraid that this may be the Enemy's influence at work, but I hope you're merely ill; I'll be checking on the two of you after treatment just to be sure."
"That may be best," the Elvenking agreed. "And if the Enemy does have a hand in this?"
Himrod shrugged. "If that is the case, we'll know; it's merely a suspicion at the moment, Your Majesty. For now, though, I would like to give you a treatment and see what happens."
"What, exactly, would this treatment involve?"
This made Himrod pause for a moment. "I won't lie, Your Majesty... it might hurt."
Before Thranduil could say anything else, the healer took one of the books and threw it at him, striking the Elvenking in the forehead and knocking him to the floor.
"Avaunt!"
***
"...so you see, even if we fix things, you're going to have to leave for your own safety." Cara was explaining as calmly as she could to an understandably worried Isilihir, his wife and their two sons as they headed down towards the courtyard. "If I'm lucky one of the others'll already be there and they'll have explained it to your brothers."
"And if they haven't?" the uncanonical Elven prince asked. Cara resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
"I'll have to do it myself, won't I?" She led the way out, and smiled with relief on seeing Miriam already there with the assorted bit-characters. Fortarthin and Huirlith were unreadable, but for the most part the bits seemed content with Miriam's explanation. Raedian was the exception, as he seemed to be completely unbelieving and had clearly been arguing with the young agent right up until Cara and Isilihir had arrived. As soon as he saw his older brother, the Elf stormed over, looking as if he were unsure whether to be flustered or simply infuriated.
"You don't really believe these two, do you?" he asked, frustration evident in his tone. "I don't know what they've done with Legolas, but they're clearly insane! And that one," he nodded to Miriam, "won't stop mocking my name!"
Miriam sighed. "Nobody appreciates a good pun these days..."
"Probably because there's no such thing, Miri." Cara shook her head and turned to Raedian. "I'm sorry, but this is the truth. I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us, just as soon as we know for sure everything else has been taken care of."
Raedian gave Cara an even look. "I suppose I don't exactly have a choice, do I?"
"That's right," Himrod cut in, as he made his way into the courtyard. "We're trying to do you a favour here, you know."
All the healer accomplished with his comment was getting the prince to round on him. "You're in on this, Kethiron?"
"Wish I wasn't, but yes." He raised a hand to cut Raedian off before the other Elf could go into another tirade. "Look, you may find it hard to believe - Valar know I did when I was recruited - but that really doesn't matter right now; the point is that we can't let you stay here, since the canon won't reassert itself correctly until you're out."
"But Tyrilden and Fortarthin can stay?" Raedian scoffed.
"They're not royals," Himrod countered. "All I have to do is wipe their memories and give them proper names, and they'll assimilate just fine. You and your brothers can't, because you're Thranduil's sons."
"That's pretty much it," Cara added, as pacifyingly as she could. "We can't let you stay here, so we're taking you back with us. Legolas and Thranduil'll be fine." She paused and gave Himrod a wary glance. "You have found the real Legolas, haven't you?"
Himrod nodded. "They're both neuralysed. If everything still works like it did when I was around, the canon should snap back as soon as this lot is out." He turned his attention to Tyrilden and Fortarthin, who were still watching indifferently. "Now, you two look over here, all right? Everyone else, close your eyes."
Flash!
"All right, I won't be needing this any more," he said once he was sure he'd got both Elves, tossing the neuralyser to Cara. "Now listen; Legolas has no siblings, and he is the only person in Thranduil's family that you know aside from the Elvenking himself. You," he added, looking directly at the archery tutor, "your name is actually Iordir. And you -" to the general - "you're Dochanar. You're both good friends, and you often practise archery and swordplay together; in fact, you're on your way to one such session now, so shift yourselves." A few seconds passed, and then the two Elves walked away. Himrod turned back to the agents. "Everything work out for you?"
"Pretty sure we're ready," Miriam said. "Raedian's the only one who was giving me real trouble."
"Well, excuse me -" the argumentative prince began, but it was Isilihir of all people who cut him off.
"All right, Raedian," the eldest of the brothers said firmly, "arguing about this is going to help nobody. I'm not happy with the situation either, but it's this or nothing." He turned to the two Assassins. "Ladies, if we're to leave, let's do so and get it over with."
Miriam grinned. "Sounds good to me; I'll open a portal to Personnel, save us the walk." No sooner had she spoken than she'd pulled her R.A. out and dialled the co-ordinates in, summoning the familiar blue doorway. "All right, this is gonna be a little weird, particularly since the Marquis is a giant Daisy, so stick together. Especially you two," she added, giving Isilihir's sons - particularly the younger one, who appeared to be around Stephanie's age - a look. "After you talk to him, they'll probably send you to FicPsych for a renaming and orientation, but don't worry; we'll help you get there on the way back to our RC. Any questions before we go?"
"I think we can save our questions," Isilihir said firmly, to prevent any objections. "I'm sure we can find out what we need to know once we're there."
"Have it your way." Cara shrugged and turned to Himrod. "It's been nice working with you. There's no chance we can persuade you to come back...?"
Himrod looked seriously tempted, and almost replied without thinking, but the smile soon faded, and he shook his head. "It was fun, but my place is here for now. I'm not ready to go back to PPC work yet, not unless you can somehow guarantee that I'll get to work in Medical."
"We're going back to HQ anyway," Miriam pointed out. "Can't we just bring you over there, and you can talk to Doc Fitz?"
"I'd like to," Himrod said, "but it wouldn't be right. For now, at least, I'm doing more good here than I would be as an agent. Maybe, in time, I'll decide to come back; besides, we may run into each other again sometime, with how many fanbrats go after Legolas." He chuckled, offering a slightly sad smile as he handed Cara's books and sunglasses back to her. "Still, take care; it's nice to see that the new blood apparently know what they're doing. Next time you see that Sunflower, give him my regards."
"Thanks." Cara laughed wryly as she stuffed the items haphazardly back into her bag. "I'm sure he'll be ever so touched to know he's remembered. You take care too." She slung the pack over her shoulder and waved towards the portal. "All right, everyone, come on." She stepped through, giving Himrod a wave, and the Elves followed uncertainly.
Himrod returned the wave as agents and royals stepped through the portal, and let out a relieved sigh once it snapped shut. As soon as the last traces of Uncanon were gone, the Generic Elven Palace faded out of existence, replaced by trees as the real Mirkwood reasserted itself. He blinked, startled, but relaxed quickly; anything short of a spiderweb was better than that hideous palace, and he couldn't be far away from the caves. He figured he could do with the walk anyway. He had a lot to think about, now, and it was a way to avoid dwelling on it until he found a good time, such as when he wasn't in the actual forest. With that in mind, and feeling as if a weight had been removed from his shoulders, he turned around and set off.
***
The Marquis de Sod was in a good mood, or at least as close to a good mood as he ever usually got. He'd managed to annoy at least a dozen agents today already and hadn't received a single death threat. A good record, he thought as he shuffled some papers.
A portal opened several feet from his desk, and he tilted his bloom towards it, his good mood evaporating instantly. A few moments later, a blonde Assassin stepped through, followed by a number of Elves and another Assassin before the portal closed. He recognised the two agents, though he hadn't seen them for some time.
Agent Fielding. Agent Collins. May I ask why you so politely barged into my office?
"Oh, you'll live, it's how half the new recruits off missions arrive." Cara was in no mood for bickering. "We've got seven new recruits that need registering and sending to FicPsych."
Miriam looked like she was about to say something, then stopped to think. "Is the little one - uh, what was his name again, Isilihir? - technically a recruit? I mean, he can't be much older than Steph."
"His name's Erenial," Isilihir began, but he was cut off by the Flower's permanently sarcastic tone.
Was he brought back from a mission? Yes? Then he is a recruit, if one technically too young for missions as of yet. Do engage your brain occasionally, Agent Collins. The Marquis opened a drawer and pulled out a very thick stack of forms. You'll find seven sets there. I'm sure you can help fill them in. Hand them in at FicPsych and they'll be returned to me. Now go away. I'm busy.
"Nice to see you in such a good mood, sir," Cara replied snippily as she pulled the door open. "Come on, you lot. This is going to take a long time..."
Authors' Notes: (Kyle) I apologise for the huge time gap between this mission and the last; there is nothing I can say to justify it, as I have no excuse other than sheer laziness/apathy and school concerns. As for Himrod, we didn't include him in the disclaimer because it would've spoiled the surprise, but he is my agent and therefore the part concerning my/our agents applies to him as well. For those curious, the recruits' new names are as follows: Sídhion (Huirlith); Maeron (Silithion); Morfindir (Raedian); Thandir (Isilihir); Eirien (Isilihir's wife, who wasn't named); Tatharlas (Daeral) and Nenion (Erenial). We're not entirely sure what we'll do with the lot of them yet, other than that Morfindir and Thandir will be partnered - possibly in Bad Slash - and Nenion and Eirien will be living with them. Tatharlas will be partnered with one of mine, and I may write those two in things; Maeron should probably be put on caffeine and given a very energetic partner, to balance his lethargy. Anyone who wants/needs some agents can use them, if they want, as the only one I've taken for myself is Tatharlas.
(Cassie): Whew. As said, this one took a lot of time to drag ourselves through, but thanks must go to Neshomeh for giving us the incentive to get up off our backsides and finish it. We've been planning and plotting it since September last year and I'm absolutely thrilled to have it finally done. I hope those of you who're still reading by this point have enjoyed it as much as I have writing it. Evening, y'all. Cassie out.