그대 한걸음만 다가와요. [3/?]
III. 세상이 힘들게 해도, 난 절대 눈물은 보이고 싶진 않죠
[Even if the world is difficult, I’ll never show my tears.]
They all held their breath, a collective intake of oxygen that left them each glancing from the main stage to each other for their name to be called.
If it got called. But, of course, they hoped it would.
“Not gonna cry if we get the award,” Jonghyun rasped, throat dry from so much shouting for the other artists at MKMF. “Not gonna cry, not gonna cry, notgonnacryyyyy-and Kibummie, you better not cry, either!” The older boy poked the smooth hollow of Kibum’s cheek, rocking back and forth in his chair. “Otherwise, you’re gonna make me cry!”
“You’d better not cry, either, Mr. I-Can’t-Keep-My-Big-Mouth-Or-My-Tear-Ducts-Shut.” Kibum stopped wringing his hands nervously to tap the side of Jonghyun’s face. “God,” a heavy sigh, betrayed only by the wry amusement in Kibum’s eyes as he leaned over to whisper to Minho, “he’s such an idiot, isn’t he?”
“At least he’s an honest idiot,” Minho chuckled, moving his chair to let Taemin and Jinki (back from their bathroom break) into their row. “Anyway, he’s your idiot. You’ve got him on a leash, right? Or is that the other way around…Mr. Wherever-Jonghyun-Goes-I-Go-Too?”
“Shut up,” Kibum rolled his eyes, pinching Minho’s arm and, eventually, starts wringing his hands again. “And since when did you get to be so snarky? Have you been spending too much time with Changmin-sunbae or what?”
Minho didn’t answer - not because he was being purposefully taciturn but because he honestly didn’t know.
Certainly, the past months spent with SHINee helped him open up as a person and as an idol. He couldn’t have been happier with the changes he felt inside and outside of him. It was as if, just like a snake undergoing a transformation and shedding its old skin, he began to feel comfortable with his new skin more and more as the weeks passed.
He wanted to attribute it to his newfound understanding of Kibum (who spent enough time engaged in heart-to-heart talks with Minho as often as he spent time in complete silence with Minho), but maybe that wasn’t all there was to it. He wanted to attribute it to his quiet friendship with Jinki (who spent far too much time fretting over Minho’s health and not nearly enough over his own well-being), but maybe that wasn’t all there was to it, either. And although Jonghyun’s friendship meant a lot to him (he really reminded Minho of his older brother, so sure of himself sometimes but always needing a kind of brotherhood only SHINee could provide), but he knew that wasn’t the only influence on the changes inside of him.
A small, trembling hand curled tightly around his, interrupting his flow of thoughts.
“Ahhh, there they go…” Taemin bit his lower lip, watching the award presenters with their cue cards in hand, trying hard not to show his nervousness. “They’re gonna call the Best Male Newcomer of the Year now…!”
Minho gave the younger boy’s hand a soft squeeze, entwining their fingers briefly.
“Don’t worry,” Minho loosened his grip on Taemin’s hand (he immediately regretted it, too, if only for the warmth it provided) but didn’t let go. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”
You’ll always be the best in my mind, he wanted to say. Of course, the words wouldn’t come out. He still had a long way to go, after all.
But then he heard their name called, and the five of them were assaulted by a chorus of elated screams from the fans in the crowd, thunderous applause echoing from behind them, and the sound of muffled hiccoughs when they finally reached the main stage.
The applause behind them came from Dong Bang Shin Ki’s seats. Changmin and Yoochun, in particular, all congratulated them with high-fives - and Jaejoong’s smile even was unusually unrestrained as he leaned over Yunho’s shoulder to flash a thumbs-up in their direction. Minho bowed to each of them in turn, a lump caught in his throat as Junsu shook his hand and Yunho gave him a quick shoulder-bump hug.
The muffled hiccoughs were from Jonghyun and Kibum, who, predictably, walked together as the younger one started bawling and prompted the older one to wrap a protective arm around him and try (and fail) not to cry with him.
They were so happy, of course - and grateful. That was why they couldn’t stop themselves from getting emotional.
Jinki gave their congratulatory speech - and completely failed at keeping his tears in, too - while Taemin was positively abuzz with a sort of afterglow energy and Minho spent most of the time on stage alternating between hugging Jonghyun and Kibum on either side of him. But eventually his arms got tired, so he let Jonghyun take care of Kibum (as he always knew how to, better than any of them) and spent the rest of him time stealing glances at the maknae and patting Jinki’s arm to keep him steady.
They all spent far too much time backstage recuperating, getting doted on and comforted by their makeup artists and coordinator noonas (and even some of the other artists’ makeup artists and coordinator noonas to boot), and hugging each other.
But Minho didn’t really mind. The flurry of activity was to be expected. He liked getting lost in the crowd, too, letting the heady sensation of pride and thankfulness and victory wash over him.
Taemin seemed to enjoy it as well, flitting back and forth from Jonghyun and Kibum in a valiant attempt to comfort his hyung-deul and dodging Jinki’s questions about why he wasn’t crying.
It was only when they were tucked away in the backseat of their ride back to the dorm that Taemin started to sniffle and shake a bit, while a ballad song played at a barely audible volume over the radio.
“If you want to cry, it’s okay.” Minho stroked the top of boy’s head, massaging smooth circles into his back. “The others already fell asleep, and they’re in the second row, besides.” I won’t tell, Minho spoke through his gaze, hoping his message would reach him, your secret’s safe with me.
When Taemin burrowed his face into the inside of Minho’s shirt and hid shuddering sobs in the stretched fabric, Minho suddenly realized that he was crying, and not just because they had won that award.
(He was crying, of course, for himself and for their achievement - but he was mostly crying for the part of him that already realized he was growing up so quickly, too quickly, and a part of him that was crying for a little more time to be childlike and innocent like Taemin.)
[to be continued.]