Insecurities.. ugh
So, Its been 4 weeks since I posted here and things had been looking up and doing fine, till this past Weekend.
It was a great weekend, but unfortunately I'm carless at this point in time (savings are growing for one finally), so my GF said she'd come pick me up and take me back (1 hour drive roughly).. This happened on Saturday/Sunday.
It seemed to be a decent weekend with her not exhibiting any odd behavior or anything I would consider out of the ordinary. We actually had our best sexual experience together on Saturday night/Sunday morning, as alot of it ties to her trust in who she is with and I guess it finally reached a point where she trusted me enough to be able to "let go"..
On the way home, she asked me about my job and some of the gaming stuff I had done and I tried to explain about it all (but I think most of it got lost/over her head). She got me home and I gave her how to get out and back to her house.
She got in pretty late for the next Work day, but she called to let me know she was in.
The next day I messaged her on yahoo and she was sort-of short worded and I asked if something was wrong and she said some things bothered her. It all came down to how it didn't seem I had a real "plan" for the future and how she was running out of time to have a family (Shes 36) and how my lifestyle or lack of, was not conducive to it.
I asked if we were breaking up and she said she wasn't jumping to conclusions, but just thought we needed to slow down a little bit and that she needed to do some thinking. I said that was fine and tried to explain a few things, but then she brought up that I hadn't paid for the gas for her to pick me up/take me back (although it was in my plan, but I just hadn't done it at the exact moment she wanted). I also didn't pay for the alcohol or food we had for a little last summer party her family usually has. I would've but she didn't ask and I figured she was aware of my trying to save money.. guess not.
She ended up saying she felt like she was being taken advantage of and it reminded her of some of her past relationships which weren't too good. I told her I was sorry and that she should've asked and I wouldve gladly helped buy stuff... She said she didn't demand things.
In any case, I told her to take time and that was I sorry.... That was Monday.
Tuesday was fairly noneventful, although I did get a card about how I believed in her and hoped she still believed in me and bought her $25 walmart card for gas (which she normally does) and got it to her.
Wednesday, I sent some flowers telling her how special of a person was and an email explaining some more stuff. She was a bit upset and said I shouldnt be buying her stuff but instead getting a car and planning for the future?!?!
Thursday, I was pretty hurt but was home so didn't see her at all.
Friday (today), I saw her at her office a few times since I was there doing work. I had messaged her online to say Hi and she responded (surprisingly) and she told me she wasn't feeling well. I offered to bring her some soup since I was coming up there with cookies for her officemates, but she declined saying she thought she might go home.
She ended up not going home, but ate a cookie which seemed to help (according to officemates)... I had wrote her a big email this morning to explain more stuff and tell her how I felt about things. I ended up calling her house and leaving 2 messages (one when I thought she left work early, and the other after I got off work and figured Id tell her to have a good weekend, etc)... No response back from those.
So here I am on Labor day weekend with basically no GF, and the 5th of Sept. will be the 2 month mark for us and may be the day we end things.
She has alot of baggage from her past and unfortunately its coming up now. I know shes afraid of things and for the most part this is all fear and its something she has to handle on her own. She said she enjoyed being with me and liked me alot (in the past), so I'm hoping that I can win out over her fears.
I'm still not 100% what triggered them basically overnight, other than the fact we probably got a little closer over the weekend since she had to babysit her niece and her friend for a "sleepover", so we were sort-of like mini-parents.
I really care about her and want her to be happy, but this is so hard. I want to just tell her its over, but I don't want to be like some in her past who have given up on her.. I also can't be dragged on for a long time without knowing she is still interested in pursuing our relationship (but still fighting those demons from her past)..
I guess time will tell, maybe this weekend she will "find herself" and want to talk to me and maybe get things back on track. Or she may just want to finally end things, which I will be prepared for, as I think my course of action is to remove any presence of her around me... and let her fade away from my active thoughts (she'll always be in my heart). Then maybe she will finally get to a point to contact me herself and get things back to how they should be.
Who knows
It was a great weekend, but unfortunately I'm carless at this point in time (savings are growing for one finally), so my GF said she'd come pick me up and take me back (1 hour drive roughly).. This happened on Saturday/Sunday.
It seemed to be a decent weekend with her not exhibiting any odd behavior or anything I would consider out of the ordinary. We actually had our best sexual experience together on Saturday night/Sunday morning, as alot of it ties to her trust in who she is with and I guess it finally reached a point where she trusted me enough to be able to "let go"..
On the way home, she asked me about my job and some of the gaming stuff I had done and I tried to explain about it all (but I think most of it got lost/over her head). She got me home and I gave her how to get out and back to her house.
She got in pretty late for the next Work day, but she called to let me know she was in.
The next day I messaged her on yahoo and she was sort-of short worded and I asked if something was wrong and she said some things bothered her. It all came down to how it didn't seem I had a real "plan" for the future and how she was running out of time to have a family (Shes 36) and how my lifestyle or lack of, was not conducive to it.
I asked if we were breaking up and she said she wasn't jumping to conclusions, but just thought we needed to slow down a little bit and that she needed to do some thinking. I said that was fine and tried to explain a few things, but then she brought up that I hadn't paid for the gas for her to pick me up/take me back (although it was in my plan, but I just hadn't done it at the exact moment she wanted). I also didn't pay for the alcohol or food we had for a little last summer party her family usually has. I would've but she didn't ask and I figured she was aware of my trying to save money.. guess not.
She ended up saying she felt like she was being taken advantage of and it reminded her of some of her past relationships which weren't too good. I told her I was sorry and that she should've asked and I wouldve gladly helped buy stuff... She said she didn't demand things.
In any case, I told her to take time and that was I sorry.... That was Monday.
Tuesday was fairly noneventful, although I did get a card about how I believed in her and hoped she still believed in me and bought her $25 walmart card for gas (which she normally does) and got it to her.
Wednesday, I sent some flowers telling her how special of a person was and an email explaining some more stuff. She was a bit upset and said I shouldnt be buying her stuff but instead getting a car and planning for the future?!?!
Thursday, I was pretty hurt but was home so didn't see her at all.
Friday (today), I saw her at her office a few times since I was there doing work. I had messaged her online to say Hi and she responded (surprisingly) and she told me she wasn't feeling well. I offered to bring her some soup since I was coming up there with cookies for her officemates, but she declined saying she thought she might go home.
She ended up not going home, but ate a cookie which seemed to help (according to officemates)... I had wrote her a big email this morning to explain more stuff and tell her how I felt about things. I ended up calling her house and leaving 2 messages (one when I thought she left work early, and the other after I got off work and figured Id tell her to have a good weekend, etc)... No response back from those.
So here I am on Labor day weekend with basically no GF, and the 5th of Sept. will be the 2 month mark for us and may be the day we end things.
She has alot of baggage from her past and unfortunately its coming up now. I know shes afraid of things and for the most part this is all fear and its something she has to handle on her own. She said she enjoyed being with me and liked me alot (in the past), so I'm hoping that I can win out over her fears.
I'm still not 100% what triggered them basically overnight, other than the fact we probably got a little closer over the weekend since she had to babysit her niece and her friend for a "sleepover", so we were sort-of like mini-parents.
I really care about her and want her to be happy, but this is so hard. I want to just tell her its over, but I don't want to be like some in her past who have given up on her.. I also can't be dragged on for a long time without knowing she is still interested in pursuing our relationship (but still fighting those demons from her past)..
I guess time will tell, maybe this weekend she will "find herself" and want to talk to me and maybe get things back on track. Or she may just want to finally end things, which I will be prepared for, as I think my course of action is to remove any presence of her around me... and let her fade away from my active thoughts (she'll always be in my heart). Then maybe she will finally get to a point to contact me herself and get things back to how they should be.
Who knows