don't wanna be sad
But I am feeling kind of down. For whatever reason (I think something I saw or read or heard yesterday) caused me to think about how I didn't make it down to TN when my daughter got married. I felt I needed to work instead and so....
Man- I'm starting to cry just thinking about it now.
What is killing me is- we've never really had a real "mother-daughter" relationship. Or that is not the kind you hear about or see in the movies or whatever. I mean- we get along OK now - better than we did in the past but we've never been what you would call close. I think we might have been for a brief time after her father passed away but it didn't take long before that seem to fall apart. We were both still grieving and she was in her teenage years and started doing all the "teenage rebellious stuff". She was 15 when he died and well - it was a time she really needed for him to be there. Well she really needed both of us. I wasn't the greatest of mom's though. I was so used to him doing almost everything. He did do almost everything. Especially when I was going through the whole cancer deal and all. Even before that he was more or less in charge. Long story.
So there I was after he died trying to find a way to finish raising two two teenagers. Grieving and trying to work, etc. I really didn't know everything or how to do everything. I wasn't able to track their every move. I never really worried about my son so much as I knew he wouldn't get into trouble. But well he had his own issues to deal with what with being autistic and all (which I didn't really know at the time).
Anyway- my daughter discovered boys and well you know how that goes.
She gets mixed up with the wrong crowd and so on.
I won't go into the whole long sad story.
I'm just glad she finally got settled down and all.
But I'm sad we never did stuff together, like shopping or going places together and all. Also that she never came to me and talked with me about stuff.
I can't deny that it makes me sad and I'm crying now just thinking about it.
I also can't help still feeling like there's still something missing between us. Like even though she says she loves me and all- I still feel like I'm a "second-class" citizen or whatever. Estranged? I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking. I can't quite put my finger on it.
I sometimes feel like I'm an embarrassment to her.
I am 31 years older than her but still...
My mom was 42 years older than me and yet - well there was a time when I was a rebellious teenager too but before that and then later- we did do things together and stuff. I don't know. Again- I can't really explain it. I guess I'm rambling now.
I think it's because Mother's Day is coming up and that's why I'm thinking about all of this crap.
I'm still not sure if estrange (d) is the right word. Below is the definition.
At any rate- I don't think things are quite right between us. :(
es·trange
Pronunciation:
\i-ˈstrānj\
Function:
transitive verb
Inflected Form(s):
es·tranged; es·trang·ing
Etymology:
Middle English, from Anglo-French estrangir, estranger, from Medieval Latin extraneare, from Latin extraneus strange - more at strange
Date:
15th century
1 : to remove from customary environment or associations 2 : to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness : alienate
- es·trange·ment Listen to the pronunciation of estrangement \-mənt\ noun
- es·trang·er noun
synonyms estrange, alienate, disaffect mean to cause one to break a bond of affection or loyalty. estrange implies the development of indifference or hostility with consequent separation or divorcement . alienate may or may not suggest separation but always implies loss of affection or interest . disaffect refers especially to those from whom loyalty is expected and stresses the effects (as rebellion or discontent) of alienation without actual separation .
Man- I'm starting to cry just thinking about it now.
What is killing me is- we've never really had a real "mother-daughter" relationship. Or that is not the kind you hear about or see in the movies or whatever. I mean- we get along OK now - better than we did in the past but we've never been what you would call close. I think we might have been for a brief time after her father passed away but it didn't take long before that seem to fall apart. We were both still grieving and she was in her teenage years and started doing all the "teenage rebellious stuff". She was 15 when he died and well - it was a time she really needed for him to be there. Well she really needed both of us. I wasn't the greatest of mom's though. I was so used to him doing almost everything. He did do almost everything. Especially when I was going through the whole cancer deal and all. Even before that he was more or less in charge. Long story.
So there I was after he died trying to find a way to finish raising two two teenagers. Grieving and trying to work, etc. I really didn't know everything or how to do everything. I wasn't able to track their every move. I never really worried about my son so much as I knew he wouldn't get into trouble. But well he had his own issues to deal with what with being autistic and all (which I didn't really know at the time).
Anyway- my daughter discovered boys and well you know how that goes.
She gets mixed up with the wrong crowd and so on.
I won't go into the whole long sad story.
I'm just glad she finally got settled down and all.
But I'm sad we never did stuff together, like shopping or going places together and all. Also that she never came to me and talked with me about stuff.
I can't deny that it makes me sad and I'm crying now just thinking about it.
I also can't help still feeling like there's still something missing between us. Like even though she says she loves me and all- I still feel like I'm a "second-class" citizen or whatever. Estranged? I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking. I can't quite put my finger on it.
I sometimes feel like I'm an embarrassment to her.
I am 31 years older than her but still...
My mom was 42 years older than me and yet - well there was a time when I was a rebellious teenager too but before that and then later- we did do things together and stuff. I don't know. Again- I can't really explain it. I guess I'm rambling now.
I think it's because Mother's Day is coming up and that's why I'm thinking about all of this crap.
I'm still not sure if estrange (d) is the right word. Below is the definition.
At any rate- I don't think things are quite right between us. :(
es·trange
Pronunciation:
\i-ˈstrānj\
Function:
transitive verb
Inflected Form(s):
es·tranged; es·trang·ing
Etymology:
Middle English, from Anglo-French estrangir, estranger, from Medieval Latin extraneare, from Latin extraneus strange - more at strange
Date:
15th century
1 : to remove from customary environment or associations 2 : to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness : alienate
- es·trange·ment Listen to the pronunciation of estrangement \-mənt\ noun
- es·trang·er noun
synonyms estrange, alienate, disaffect mean to cause one to break a bond of affection or loyalty. estrange implies the development of indifference or hostility with consequent separation or divorcement . alienate may or may not suggest separation but always implies loss of affection or interest . disaffect refers especially to those from whom loyalty is expected and stresses the effects (as rebellion or discontent) of alienation without actual separation .