FIC: Deck the Halls (PG, Van Helsing, Gabriel/Dracula)
Fandom: Van Helsing, brief mention of Tanz der Vampire
Length: 900+ words
Rating: PG
Summary: ariss_tenoh is evil. Gabriel wants to sue for moral damages. Unashamed seasonal crackfic.
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. Though I wouldn't mind having Von Krolock :D
DECK THE HALLS, for ariss_tenoh
Van Helsing pinched his own thigh, but he still wasn't sure it wasn't all a dream. Part of it was the fact he was facing a resurrected Count Dracula, part of it was the holly and ivy and tinsel sneaking up the walls of the icy fortress they were standing in, but most of it was what he'd just heard from the vampire's lips.
"You're hosting a Christmas party?"
"The Winter Revels are not just a party, Gabriel." Gesturing passionately, Dracula looked almost as awe-inspiring as before, despite the tinsel in his hair. "They're the most important social gathering in the year. Twelve days of entertainment and conversation, with all quarrel and combat forbidden, the only chance our kind gets to sit down and discuss things. This is where policy is shaped, Gabriel, the one event that dictates all that happens through the year!"
Van Helsing wondered how this all related to the stuffed robins attached to various surfaces by means of lengths of twine.
"Besides," Dracula continued, "the Revels are usually held elsewhere, by one of the Poles or Hungarians or Russians. It's been centuries since they were in Romania, and this is my chance to show up that insufferable idiot."
"The idiot?" Even with the holes in his mind, Van Helsing could recall at least a dozen personages that had merited that epithet from his volatile prince at various times.
"Von Krolock. He's German, he's just a Graf, his castle isn't even his, because it was built by my great-grandfather, he's never done anything except read books and throw balls, he's barely three hundred years old! You tell me how he managed to become the social star of the Romanian vampire scene. And they call him a Duke, would you believe that - while they call me just a Count!"
Any logical remarks about comparative danger of getting a book thrown at you and being skewered by one of the swords and sharpened sticks Dracula always had on hand were sure to draw ire of the pointy kind, so Van Helsing kept his mouth wisely shut.
"Anyway, this is a big chance. Von Krolock's last two balls were disasters - last year he chose some peasant boys for victims and they fainted dead away, no sport at all, and this year two wannabe vampire hunters actually crashed the ball and got away with the chosen victim. Not for long, mind you, but still. If I bring off everything without a hitch, I will have my rightful place as the head vampire in all Romania, and Von Krolock will be a laughing stock!"
"I think I recall defeating you a few months ago," Van Helsing ventured. "That won't have an impact on your plan?"
"Not-" Dracula whirled triumphantly, sending tinsel flying "-if you are at my side when the guests arrive."
It was a long swim back to Italy, the vampire hunter told himself. And Dracula was the kind who'd freeze the ocean around him out of sheer vindictiveness.
"Besides, Gabriel, look at the end results. My sworn enemies are dead, so are my brides, but it's not like I can't get new ones, it took me less than a month to annoy Lucifer enough to kick me out of Hell again, and I finally managed to jog your memory. Oh, and Lucifer says hi."
Mute nodding seemed to be a viable tactic for the time being.
"I've already ordered clothes for you - trust me, I had ample opportunity to estimate your size." The smile on Dracula's face was far too close to a leer for Van Helsing's comfort. "You can keep that pet friar, but he has to stay in the library. He'll be safe, the only one likely to go there is Von Krolock and his brood, and their standards aren't that low. You just stand around, look impressive and glare at people if they talk to you. Just like the old times."
Another step back, and Van Helsing would end up bumping into the lavishly decorated Christmas tree, so a verbal answer was in order. "What does all that have with the message that was sent to the Vatican? About you trying to bring around the end of the world?"
"Mistranslation of a Christmas invitation." Dracula waved his hand dismissively. "I should have written it in Latin, maybe the papists would have understood that."
Van Helsing took stock of the situation as he circled the room to buy himself time. Dracula didn't seem to be plotting anything murderous just now. Carl was a hostage in the library, though an ecstatically happy one the last time he'd emerged, and the friar had even managed a civil conversation with Dracula on the merits of various alloys for storing dangerous chemicals. Van Helsing's brief was to prevent Dracula from ending the world, and the Vatican crowd would be bound to appreciate intelligence gathered at a council of all dark supernaturals of Central and Eastern Europe. All this clearly indicated his path.
"Okay," he ventured.
Dracula smiled widely, showing fangs, and grabbed Van Helsing in an exuberant Slavic hug. The impact drove the vampire hunter a few steps back until he was leaning against a doorframe, and he was about to ask what that was all about when Dracula's eyes flickered upwards.
The doorframe was decorated with mistletoe, and this was precisely the wrong moment for Gabriel's memory of certain events to make an appearance.
At least it meant he remembered where to put his hands when Vlad kissed him.
~FINIS~
Length: 900+ words
Rating: PG
Summary: ariss_tenoh is evil. Gabriel wants to sue for moral damages. Unashamed seasonal crackfic.
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. Though I wouldn't mind having Von Krolock :D
DECK THE HALLS, for ariss_tenoh
Van Helsing pinched his own thigh, but he still wasn't sure it wasn't all a dream. Part of it was the fact he was facing a resurrected Count Dracula, part of it was the holly and ivy and tinsel sneaking up the walls of the icy fortress they were standing in, but most of it was what he'd just heard from the vampire's lips.
"You're hosting a Christmas party?"
"The Winter Revels are not just a party, Gabriel." Gesturing passionately, Dracula looked almost as awe-inspiring as before, despite the tinsel in his hair. "They're the most important social gathering in the year. Twelve days of entertainment and conversation, with all quarrel and combat forbidden, the only chance our kind gets to sit down and discuss things. This is where policy is shaped, Gabriel, the one event that dictates all that happens through the year!"
Van Helsing wondered how this all related to the stuffed robins attached to various surfaces by means of lengths of twine.
"Besides," Dracula continued, "the Revels are usually held elsewhere, by one of the Poles or Hungarians or Russians. It's been centuries since they were in Romania, and this is my chance to show up that insufferable idiot."
"The idiot?" Even with the holes in his mind, Van Helsing could recall at least a dozen personages that had merited that epithet from his volatile prince at various times.
"Von Krolock. He's German, he's just a Graf, his castle isn't even his, because it was built by my great-grandfather, he's never done anything except read books and throw balls, he's barely three hundred years old! You tell me how he managed to become the social star of the Romanian vampire scene. And they call him a Duke, would you believe that - while they call me just a Count!"
Any logical remarks about comparative danger of getting a book thrown at you and being skewered by one of the swords and sharpened sticks Dracula always had on hand were sure to draw ire of the pointy kind, so Van Helsing kept his mouth wisely shut.
"Anyway, this is a big chance. Von Krolock's last two balls were disasters - last year he chose some peasant boys for victims and they fainted dead away, no sport at all, and this year two wannabe vampire hunters actually crashed the ball and got away with the chosen victim. Not for long, mind you, but still. If I bring off everything without a hitch, I will have my rightful place as the head vampire in all Romania, and Von Krolock will be a laughing stock!"
"I think I recall defeating you a few months ago," Van Helsing ventured. "That won't have an impact on your plan?"
"Not-" Dracula whirled triumphantly, sending tinsel flying "-if you are at my side when the guests arrive."
It was a long swim back to Italy, the vampire hunter told himself. And Dracula was the kind who'd freeze the ocean around him out of sheer vindictiveness.
"Besides, Gabriel, look at the end results. My sworn enemies are dead, so are my brides, but it's not like I can't get new ones, it took me less than a month to annoy Lucifer enough to kick me out of Hell again, and I finally managed to jog your memory. Oh, and Lucifer says hi."
Mute nodding seemed to be a viable tactic for the time being.
"I've already ordered clothes for you - trust me, I had ample opportunity to estimate your size." The smile on Dracula's face was far too close to a leer for Van Helsing's comfort. "You can keep that pet friar, but he has to stay in the library. He'll be safe, the only one likely to go there is Von Krolock and his brood, and their standards aren't that low. You just stand around, look impressive and glare at people if they talk to you. Just like the old times."
Another step back, and Van Helsing would end up bumping into the lavishly decorated Christmas tree, so a verbal answer was in order. "What does all that have with the message that was sent to the Vatican? About you trying to bring around the end of the world?"
"Mistranslation of a Christmas invitation." Dracula waved his hand dismissively. "I should have written it in Latin, maybe the papists would have understood that."
Van Helsing took stock of the situation as he circled the room to buy himself time. Dracula didn't seem to be plotting anything murderous just now. Carl was a hostage in the library, though an ecstatically happy one the last time he'd emerged, and the friar had even managed a civil conversation with Dracula on the merits of various alloys for storing dangerous chemicals. Van Helsing's brief was to prevent Dracula from ending the world, and the Vatican crowd would be bound to appreciate intelligence gathered at a council of all dark supernaturals of Central and Eastern Europe. All this clearly indicated his path.
"Okay," he ventured.
Dracula smiled widely, showing fangs, and grabbed Van Helsing in an exuberant Slavic hug. The impact drove the vampire hunter a few steps back until he was leaning against a doorframe, and he was about to ask what that was all about when Dracula's eyes flickered upwards.
The doorframe was decorated with mistletoe, and this was precisely the wrong moment for Gabriel's memory of certain events to make an appearance.
At least it meant he remembered where to put his hands when Vlad kissed him.
~FINIS~