It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere. I'm all alone, more or less.

[bwee]

Spent an hour in the bath, reading. Sang a bit. I stood up. The water fell off me as I rose. Had to go dripping back out to the linen closet because I forgot to bring a towel in with me. I brushed my teeth and shaved, combed my hair down, pulled it back and tied it up. All in all, I felt good. Relaxed. Maybe for the first time in the month, it looked like things wouldn't fall apart. Naked, I walked downstairs. Found my red bathrobe, my favorite robe, and I put it on. I'm the only one in the house, so I let it hang open. Picked up my flute. I played through some scales for fifteen minutes. Leaning back in the chair, using a posture entirely too informal and relaxed that cut my breath capacity, I played, and I enjoyed it. I remember why I got into this whole music thing in the first place, way back when. It makes me happy. There was nothing but me and the keys, noone else in the world, and it didn't matter, because I was alone with the music. But that faded. I can't say why I'm so unhappy now. I won't say, actually. But as quickly as my mood rose, it fell. Took off the robe, threw on a shirt and a pair of boxers, stepped outside and had a cigarette. I looked at the sky. It looked empty. The moon glared back at me. Down the street, even the light from the Christmas decorations was cold. Stamped out the cigarette. I came back inside, chilled to the bone. For some reason, my shoulders are especially hard to warm up again. Tonight, right now, I feel especially empty. I thought I knew where I had to go from here, I had the epiphany last night. Now I realize what a damned idiot I've been. Realization comes in bangs and painful flashes. I think I can feel my blood flowing, angry and hopeless in its relentless persistence. I'll still keep trying... but why? Nothing matters. I guess I'll just ride this one out too, and see how far I end up from the shores I once knew and trusted. It's the only thing I can keep thinking of. This really isn't supposed to be how it all happened.