(no subject)
Well, it's been some kind of a day. There was the obligatory drunk-ass who stumbles in and threatens us for money and then wanders off harmlessly, all of twenty people coming in for dinner, and Jeff getting worked up over the new menu. Poop jokes were made (Hah hah hah! Dingleberries.), and I got out relatively early. Before and after work, though, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. Sorry, friends,if I've been kind of distant. I've been really wrapped up in my own head. I've been trying to figure things out. My emotions have been running rampant, and I can't seem to get a grip, but that's nothing new to you. I'm closing in on finding a way to getting into therapy, I think, if my aunt comes through for me. My mother's back in the hospital, and that's stressing me out. I worry, even if I don't show it well. I think I might ask Mirah to go out to a party with me. Maybe. If I work up the nerve. Or, before that, if I decide it's even a good idea. It was fun seeing Borat with her, but it's not like we did much else besides meet, watch the movie, and immediately depart. Neither of us are looking for anything serious, but I wonder. I think she is, but she's not looking for it in me. And I think I am too, but I'm not looking for it in her. Maybe even pursuing her for a day is just leading to dissapointment. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to drag her down in my own emotional bullshit. Maybe I'll have things figured out one day, and I'll at least be able to stop hurting quite so badly from everything that's happened this year. (I really can't wait for 2007, how about you?). I had to go through a lot of my grandmothers books tonight, it was rough.. It hurt. It was also good to remember the good things about her, where she came from, what she believed in... It was all kind of layed out in the books she read. And here I am, trying to figure out her life story like a novel, it seems to kind of trivialize everything. I don't know...
I know I've been funky for the past couple of months. In this rare moment of calm, I've got to apologize, but it's not over. There's a lot left unfulfilled, and a lot left unanswered for. There's so many more questions I want answered that I don't think I'm allowed to ask. Besides. Who would answer me?
What can I say? I still feel horrible. All I can say is, this is not the way things should be happening. I can't help but feel that way. Point to anything in my life, and this just isn't the way things were supposed to flow... If only there was some way to work things out. If only there was some way to change directions, and work towards something better that would make it happier for everyone involved... It's not much to ask, is it? Just happiness? I could be poor and homeless, I wouldn't mind. Let me be happy, and I'll suffer. It's not contradictory, I swear. It makes sense, if you wrap your head around it long enough.
And now I can feel the calm running away like fog, and in retrospect it felt as insubstantial. As the waves of depression crash over me, I feel swept away in the undertoe of sadness towards the dark, abysmal depths of self-loathing. ...Dramatic and emo much? That's quite enough of that, I think.
Point is, I'm not feeling so well, I'm going to bed. Good night.
This isn't how this is supposed to have gone... Things could be so much better. I don't know how, but I just want to make things better... How did I get here?
I know I've been funky for the past couple of months. In this rare moment of calm, I've got to apologize, but it's not over. There's a lot left unfulfilled, and a lot left unanswered for. There's so many more questions I want answered that I don't think I'm allowed to ask. Besides. Who would answer me?
What can I say? I still feel horrible. All I can say is, this is not the way things should be happening. I can't help but feel that way. Point to anything in my life, and this just isn't the way things were supposed to flow... If only there was some way to work things out. If only there was some way to change directions, and work towards something better that would make it happier for everyone involved... It's not much to ask, is it? Just happiness? I could be poor and homeless, I wouldn't mind. Let me be happy, and I'll suffer. It's not contradictory, I swear. It makes sense, if you wrap your head around it long enough.
And now I can feel the calm running away like fog, and in retrospect it felt as insubstantial. As the waves of depression crash over me, I feel swept away in the undertoe of sadness towards the dark, abysmal depths of self-loathing. ...Dramatic and emo much? That's quite enough of that, I think.
Point is, I'm not feeling so well, I'm going to bed. Good night.
This isn't how this is supposed to have gone... Things could be so much better. I don't know how, but I just want to make things better... How did I get here?