Aural sex and cunning linguists
Heh, I know it's mean to laugh at your buddy's marital woes (especially if they're of the bedroom variety), but when recently-wed Kevin (Kev) lamented about his sad state of aural sex to Mike and me during a boys night out, we choked on our beer which came right back out through our nostrils! Uh-huh, that's aural sex (or the lack of it!) as in noiseless love-making, the sound of silence, you can hear a pin drop ... get my drift? Muahahaha! *ahem*
Well actually, while Kev grunted, breathed heavily like a crank caller, and made all sorts of weird animal noises, he just wasn't getting ANY aural feedback from Mrs Kev. Sure she was actively (albeit silently) participating in the whole shebang (no pun intended), but it was, y'know, like watching "Nine 1/2 Weeks" with the volume turned off ... just not the same thing!
Unless it was a rare House-ish medical condition of raging hormones disabling vocal chords, Mike and I suspected that Mrs Kev (being the good Catholic gal) was still fairly new to the whole love-making thingamy (heck, let's just call it sex) and needed to relax a wee bit more, be less inhibited, more expressive. Yup, time for Kev to take things slower, be more attentive to her needs ... and indulge in some serious vocal coaching. Heh, a lil' dirty talk, s'il vous plaît madame? ;)
Y'know, once ya get over the whole initial awkwardness (and taboo?) of talking "dirty" in the bedroom, it can really help the couple relax, have fun, and be more expressive about their emotions, sexual needs, and kinky fantasies (don't bluff, everyone has them!). Yeah, great communication during love-making/sex is what separates "Mind blowing!" from "Are we there yet?". But mastering the art of talking dirty in a sensual and seductive manner (versus being downright vulgar and a major turn off like calling her your b*tch, wh*re, and other delightful acronyms that the male brain is more than capable of conjuring) requires an understanding of what boundaries not to cross, choosing the right words for the right moments ... and it's not just what you say, but how you say it too. No stroll in the park for the novice, I tell ya!
Guys, just try this simple test ... which sex-citing word would you use to compliment her tantalising twin peaks without risking turning her off while in the throes of passionate dirty talk ... or worse, make her *ROFLHAO* and snort in a most unfeminine fashion? Breasts (too proper)? Mammary glands (you think bio lesson ah)? Boobs (too juvenile)? Titties (a tad porno)? Knockers? Hooters? Honkers? Jugs? Melons? Racks? Neh neh bak? Oh wait, that's for ordering chicken rice. LOL! Choices, choices ... not easy huh?
Gals, on the other hand, have it simpler coz nothing's really too raunchy or "dirty" for him once he gets over his initial surprise, especially when she's searching for just the right word to profess her *koff* profound admiration *koff* for his pride and joy ... cyclops, the mighty one-eyed monster! Muahahaha! But please ladies, ditch those icky Mills and Boon romance novels and tacky metaphors like "throbbing manhood" if ya really wanna bring out the animal in him. Trust me, referring to cyclops as "throbbing manhood" has about the same effect as calling him "little brother" ... he ain't gonna throb much longer and you might just get your wish for a little member (of the family). Nay, the correct adjective-noun pair that'll get you closer to hot passionate sex is stiff/hard [rhymes with rock]. Short and to the point ... erm, the dirty talk I mean ... not cyclops ... *ahem*
As with most things, it takes practice (and perhaps a kinky guide to talking dirty) to spice up aural sex. Yup, experienced cunning linguists certainly know how to put their glib tongues to excellent use in the bedroom ... in more ways than one. Kekeke! So go forth, multiply ... and conjugate those verbs!
NEWSFLASH: Kev has apparently succeeded in getting Mrs Kev to be more vocal during The Act, but while he's able to communicate his sexual fantasies to her succinctly (he looks down at himself, grins at her, and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively ... there, done!), she's still unable to talk "dirty" and describe her fantasy without first explaining the background story as to why these two people are so passionately entwined ... and how they came to be in their sexually intense situation ... and why they want to "do" each other so badly ... and ... um, Kev didn't make it beyond that point (read: shrinkage). Oh well, at least it's a start ... erm, you think?
Well actually, while Kev grunted, breathed heavily like a crank caller, and made all sorts of weird animal noises, he just wasn't getting ANY aural feedback from Mrs Kev. Sure she was actively (albeit silently) participating in the whole shebang (no pun intended), but it was, y'know, like watching "Nine 1/2 Weeks" with the volume turned off ... just not the same thing!
Unless it was a rare House-ish medical condition of raging hormones disabling vocal chords, Mike and I suspected that Mrs Kev (being the good Catholic gal) was still fairly new to the whole love-making thingamy (heck, let's just call it sex) and needed to relax a wee bit more, be less inhibited, more expressive. Yup, time for Kev to take things slower, be more attentive to her needs ... and indulge in some serious vocal coaching. Heh, a lil' dirty talk, s'il vous plaît madame? ;)
Y'know, once ya get over the whole initial awkwardness (and taboo?) of talking "dirty" in the bedroom, it can really help the couple relax, have fun, and be more expressive about their emotions, sexual needs, and kinky fantasies (don't bluff, everyone has them!). Yeah, great communication during love-making/sex is what separates "Mind blowing!" from "Are we there yet?". But mastering the art of talking dirty in a sensual and seductive manner (versus being downright vulgar and a major turn off like calling her your b*tch, wh*re, and other delightful acronyms that the male brain is more than capable of conjuring) requires an understanding of what boundaries not to cross, choosing the right words for the right moments ... and it's not just what you say, but how you say it too. No stroll in the park for the novice, I tell ya!
Guys, just try this simple test ... which sex-citing word would you use to compliment her tantalising twin peaks without risking turning her off while in the throes of passionate dirty talk ... or worse, make her *ROFLHAO* and snort in a most unfeminine fashion? Breasts (too proper)? Mammary glands (you think bio lesson ah)? Boobs (too juvenile)? Titties (a tad porno)? Knockers? Hooters? Honkers? Jugs? Melons? Racks? Neh neh bak? Oh wait, that's for ordering chicken rice. LOL! Choices, choices ... not easy huh?
Gals, on the other hand, have it simpler coz nothing's really too raunchy or "dirty" for him once he gets over his initial surprise, especially when she's searching for just the right word to profess her *koff* profound admiration *koff* for his pride and joy ... cyclops, the mighty one-eyed monster! Muahahaha! But please ladies, ditch those icky Mills and Boon romance novels and tacky metaphors like "throbbing manhood" if ya really wanna bring out the animal in him. Trust me, referring to cyclops as "throbbing manhood" has about the same effect as calling him "little brother" ... he ain't gonna throb much longer and you might just get your wish for a little member (of the family). Nay, the correct adjective-noun pair that'll get you closer to hot passionate sex is stiff/hard [rhymes with rock]. Short and to the point ... erm, the dirty talk I mean ... not cyclops ... *ahem*
As with most things, it takes practice (and perhaps a kinky guide to talking dirty) to spice up aural sex. Yup, experienced cunning linguists certainly know how to put their glib tongues to excellent use in the bedroom ... in more ways than one. Kekeke! So go forth, multiply ... and conjugate those verbs!
NEWSFLASH: Kev has apparently succeeded in getting Mrs Kev to be more vocal during The Act, but while he's able to communicate his sexual fantasies to her succinctly (he looks down at himself, grins at her, and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively ... there, done!), she's still unable to talk "dirty" and describe her fantasy without first explaining the background story as to why these two people are so passionately entwined ... and how they came to be in their sexually intense situation ... and why they want to "do" each other so badly ... and ... um, Kev didn't make it beyond that point (read: shrinkage). Oh well, at least it's a start ... erm, you think?