i'm getting there
four weeks of being smoke-free! and yes, i did it "cold turkey". i am really at peace with it and i think i was truly ready when i made my final decision to quit. my cravings haven't been very severe, and i think a lot of that has to do with my transition into a healthier mind/body. i am starting my third week of bikram hot yoga and i have noticed a more peaceful communication between me and my body as a result. i still miss my sense of smell, but hopefully that will gradually come back given time and patience.
since i've started yoga i have been sleeping more restfully with the exception of the past few nights. i am having anxiety dreams about waiting tables and my fear of death is starting to consume me again. i can intellectualize it all i want, but when it comes down to it i am so afraid of death that i wake up in a panic. i read stories in the papers about people dying in car accidents and i feel grief for the remaining family memebers. i also think a lot about what people feel and think the moment they realize they are going to die. do they panic or do they just relax and let go?
both my fiance and i have suffered extreme losses in the past but he has a way of living in peace with it that i have yet to learn. now that we have found each other i am so afraid of losing him or of him losing me. i feel like this is all because i have not truly faced my fear. i feel it surfacing and i only allow myself to feel the very tip of it and then i chicken out and push it below the surface again. it feels like the inflatable beach ball i used to try to balance on as a child in my neighbor's pool. i would grab it and heave all my weight onto it and push it below the water and then very carefully push it between and underneath my legs and try to balance on it. i would try to see how long i could sit on top of it before i lost my center and fell over and let it catapult its way back up to the welcoming air.
i can't let this fear and lonliness consume me. i am hoping the path that i am on will show me my hidden strength.
since i've started yoga i have been sleeping more restfully with the exception of the past few nights. i am having anxiety dreams about waiting tables and my fear of death is starting to consume me again. i can intellectualize it all i want, but when it comes down to it i am so afraid of death that i wake up in a panic. i read stories in the papers about people dying in car accidents and i feel grief for the remaining family memebers. i also think a lot about what people feel and think the moment they realize they are going to die. do they panic or do they just relax and let go?
both my fiance and i have suffered extreme losses in the past but he has a way of living in peace with it that i have yet to learn. now that we have found each other i am so afraid of losing him or of him losing me. i feel like this is all because i have not truly faced my fear. i feel it surfacing and i only allow myself to feel the very tip of it and then i chicken out and push it below the surface again. it feels like the inflatable beach ball i used to try to balance on as a child in my neighbor's pool. i would grab it and heave all my weight onto it and push it below the water and then very carefully push it between and underneath my legs and try to balance on it. i would try to see how long i could sit on top of it before i lost my center and fell over and let it catapult its way back up to the welcoming air.
i can't let this fear and lonliness consume me. i am hoping the path that i am on will show me my hidden strength.