Falling Apart to Have Time Part Eight
Snob was getting very tired of dungeons, even though this was only his second time in one. Of course, the fact that he knew Film Brain was in danger probably made this dungeon even more tedious.
Tedious and frustrating. General Anesthetic hadn’t settled for merely locking Snob in a dungeon. Oh, no, this time he had used the shackles. Snob had strained against them for a while, but had finally concluded that struggling anymore would probably end up breaking his wrists, which wouldn’t do anybody any good. He didn’t know how he could get out of this. Captain Finevoice didn’t know where he was, the King wouldn’t question his imprisonment once Ask That Guy fed him the story about Snob trying to kill the entire royal family, and Film Brain would die, far below the castle.
Snob wasn’t a man to pray, or to cry. Both his religion and his tears had been completely erased by the war. But now, knowing that he had come so close to happiness, knowing that he had almost saved the man he loved…
Well. That was enough to make anyone cry.
Snob had fully resigned himself to his death when the door suddenly opened, flooding the room with light. He didn’t even look up. Probably the executioner, coming to lead him to his end. Film Brain was probably already dead. What was the point in fighting?
“Hey!” Someone snapped their fingers in front of Snob’s face. He looked up and saw the serving maid Calluna in front of him. “Snap out of it! You need to go save the prince!” She pulled a ring of keys from her apron pocket and started unlocking the shackles.
“What?” Snob was shocked. “How did you know where I was?”
Calluna gave him a withering glare. “You’re not the only one with an innocuous idiot keeping an eye on things,” she said. “Chick has every maid in the castle watching the Lord Chamberlain, and I was listening to everything they were saying from outside the door.” She unlocked the last shackle and Snob got up, rubbing his wrists. “Sorry it took me so long to get here, I had to find a good moment when the general was distracted.”
“Right,” Snob said. “Tell the King I’ll want to see him in an hour. And make sure that they’re both there…along with Captain Finevoice.” He turned and ran from the room before she could reply.
Snob ran straight to the royal wing, where 90s Kid and the other guard stood. “Unlock this door,” he commanded.
The other guard scowled at him. “You don’t have the authority to command us,” he said.
“The prince is dying,” Snob said. “I’ll explain later, just unlock the door!”
90s Kid moved to do so, but the other guard blocked his path. “General Anesthetic gave orders,” he said. “No one is to enter or leave this hall until sunrise.”
“By sunrise, it will be too late!” Snob shouted.
The guard took up his musket and took aim. “If you insist on breaking in, I will count you as a threat.”
Snob snarled but before he could move, 90s Kid beat him to the punch and hit the other guard over the head with his own weapon. The guard fell and 90s Kid unlocked the door quickly. “Go,” he said.
Snob didn’t need advice. He simply pushed past 90s Kid and ran to Critic’s room. The passageway was still open, leading down. Snob ran down the stairs as fast as he could, even as his leg flared with renewed pain.
It was still too much, as halfway down Snob slipped and fell the rest of the way down, scraping his hands and knees in the process. He grunted as he hit the ground, but couldn’t pause for more than a moment to struggle to his feet and run down the path, barely noticing the glint of the branches, which were now covered in diamonds. He snatched up a fallen branch from the ground as he passed.
Snob reached the lake and looked across to the castle, realizing that all the boats were still on the opposite shore. He paused for barely a moment before he stepped into the frigid water and started to swim.
The distance across the lake wasn’t too far, but after his run and fall down the stairs, the swim made his already aching wound scream from pain. Snob grit his teeth and struggled on, ignoring the cold, resisting the pain. He had to get to Film Brain…maybe he was too late, but he had to get there.
He reached the opposite shore and pulled himself out of the water. He didn’t even stop to catch his breath before he was running into the castle, to the ballroom.
The dance was well under-way, the young royals and their partners moving in the same fluid motion that Snob had seen the past two nights. His eyes sought out Film Brain and spotted him in the center of the floor, looking pale and in pain, stumbling more than the others.
“Film Brain!” Snob called.
The music stopped and everyone turned to where Snob had just arrived, dripping on the floor. Film Brain’s eyes widened, but even as Snob watched, the prince gave a sudden gasp of pain and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
Several of the princesses screamed, and Critic gave the most wounded cry Snob had ever heard come from a human throat, but he didn’t pay attention. He was already moving across the floor, to where Ashens was kneeling over the unconscious figure.
“What happened to him?” Ashens asked as soon as Snob reached them.
“Poison,” Snob said. “Ask That Guy said he’s been using it for months and just upped the dosage…but I don’t know how…” His eyes fell on Film Brain’s feet and the pieces clicked into place. Hurriedly, Snob moved and practically tore the shoes from Film Brain’s feet.
“What…” There were murmurs throughout the hall. Snob looked to all the young royals. “Shoes off, now,” he ordered. “Ashens, I need you to row us back across.” He lifted Film Brain in his arms and stood up, barely managing to keep his bad leg from collapsing.
“Who are you?” Ashens asked as he followed Snob out of the hall.
“I’m Snob,” Snob said. “His soldier.”
Ashens nodded and didn’t ask anything more as they got into the boat. Snob held onto Film Brain as they rowed back across, feeling the prince’s faint pulse still beating. It wasn’t too late...not yet…he was alive…
They reached the other side and Snob didn’t say a word to Ashens, only carried Film Brain off, back down the path as quickly as he could go, back up the stairs, every step a struggle. Between the weight and the pain, Snob half-expected to fall again, but this time he didn’t. He reached the door and carried Film Brain back into the castle, through the royal wing, and to the throne room.
He could hear voices as he approached, the King and Ask That Guy arguing with Captain Finevoice. Snob didn’t listen, only walked into the room, Film Brain still unconscious in his arms. As he entered, the noise stopped as they all turned to look at him.
Snob didn’t look at anyone but the King on his throne. He approached slowly, unable to walk quickly anymore. He breathed heavily as he approached and finally lay Film Brain down at the King’s feet and knelt beside him.
There was silence in the hall. The King’s breath hitched, but Snob didn’t spare a thought for him. Let the King regret this. Let him feel all the pain he had inflicted on his family for so long.
“What is this?” the King finally asked. “What happened?”
“This is the execution you ordered,” Snob said, his voice quiet but steady. “The one you failed to stop.” He stood up, slowly and painfully, and stood before the King. “I’ve just come from an enchanted castle, far beneath the floors of this one, where a dozen people who have loved your family well are trapped, and where they and the young royals are forced to dance, night after night, until they are all in pain and can barely move. But they do, because you would not take the time question things further than a simple glance.”
“I have done everything…”
“But not enough.” Snob glared at the King. “You ask them, day after day, but never question anyone else around you, when the Lord Chamberlain could have told you everything that has been happening. Because he caused it.”
“Preposterous,” Ask That Guy spat. “Your Majesty, he is a traitor, determined to destroy your family. Look what he’s done to the boy!”
“I’ve done nothing to him,” Snob said coolly. “I didn’t have a hand free, but I imagine when the others come up, they’ll bring you their shoes…and his…and you’ll find that there was poison in them all. Poison that would be easily induced once their feet were bleeding.” He kept his eyes on the King even as Ask That Guy sputtered. “And I ask you…who sets out the shoes to be distributed every day?”
“Your Majesty, this is ridiculous!” Ask That Guy protested.
“Is it?” Snob asked. “I brought back branches from this world.” He pulled the gold, silver and diamond branches from his pocket. “Those didn’t come from your garden, Your Majesty. And I believe that there’s at least one serving maid who will testify that she heard you plotting to kill the royal family…and there’s at least one other guard who can verify everything I’m saying.” He nodded to Captain Finevoice. “Go get them, would you, Captain?”
“Certainly.” Captain Finevoice turned and went to the doors of the throne room.
There was silence for a moment before a low moan reached Snob’s ears. He quickly knelt down again and saw Film Brain’s eyes flutter open. “Snob?” Film Brain asked.
“I’m here,” Snob said. “I’m here…you’re going to be okay…you’re safe now…” He took Film Brain’s hand.
“I’m dying.” The words were faint, but Snob could still catch them. “Aren’t I?”
“No,” Snob said. “No, you’re going to be all right…we’ll find a way...don’t you fucking die on me, Film Brain, not now…”
The King was staring at them. “Film Brain,” he said.
Film Brain turned his eyes to the King. “Rob,” he said. “I have a last request.”
The King nodded. “Anything,” he said.
“I want to marry him,” Film Brain said. “Now.”
“You can’t do that!” Ask That Guy objected. “He’s still…”
“Shut up, Ask That Guy,” the King said. “Film Brain, I don’t think there’s time…”
“Then you’d better hurry,” Film Brain gasped. “Please.”
The King took a breath and started speaking the ceremony as quickly as he could. Snob didn’t look away from Film Brain’s eyes, counting every breath. In…out…in…out…
“Do you, Prince Film Brain, take this man as your husband?”
“I do,” Film Brain whispered.
“Do you, Sergeant Cinema Snob, take this man as your husband?”
“I do,” Snob said.
“Then I pronounce you as married,” the King said. “You may kiss your bride.”
“One last kiss,” Film Brain whispered.
Snob bent and pressed their lips together.
There was a crack like thunder as Ask That Guy screamed in fury. Snob pulled away in time to see Film Brain’s eyes close. The prince’s hand fell limply from his, but Snob didn’t have time to think about that because Ask That Guy leaped at him, a knife in hand.
Snob turned as the knife came down, but before it could strike, a shot rang out and Ask That Guy fell. Snob watched as Captain Finevoice came in, shaking his head. “Really, he should know better,” he muttered, passing the musket back to 90s Kid. “Reload that for me, would you, Junior?”
The King stared, open-mouthed as Captain Finevoice walked forward. “Sorry, Your Majesty,” Captain Finevoice said. “Couldn’t let my best sergeant get killed that fast.”
“Would someone please explain exactly what is going on?” the King asked.
“Certainly,” Captain Finevoice said. “Curse is broken, so I can talk about it.”
As Captain Finevoice launched into the story, Snob heard a number of footsteps running toward the throne room. He watched the door eagerly, hoping that one of them was a physician.
The first person through the door was Calluna, who curtsied hurriedly and brought a pair of shoes to the foot of the throne. Snob recognized them as Film Brain’s.
The next person in was Spoony, closely followed by Linkara. Both bowed briefly before Spoony moved and helped Snob to his feet and Linkara knelt beside Film Brain, murmuring quietly in a language Snob didn’t understand.
“He’ll be fine,” Spoony whispered. “Linkara’s good at working miracles, and Film Brain is not the first person he’s brought back to life.”
Snob nodded, watching as Linkara muttered and made strange hand signs over Film Brain. He barely even registered the rest of the young royals and their respective lovers coming into the room. Ashens did nod to Snob as he entered, but remained in the back, waiting.
Just as Captain Finevoice finished giving a concise explanation of everything that had happened, Linkara finished his spell and stepped back. There was a moment of silence before Film Brain took a deep breath. Snob rushed to him immediately, practically throwing himself to the floor next to him.
Blue eyes opened, confused and disoriented, but Film Brain’s expression cleared when he saw Snob. “My love,” the prince whispered.
“Welcome back, Film Brain,” Snob said, and kissed him.
People were shouting, asking what had happened, why had the prince wed a soldier, why did he die, where did the magician come from and why had the Lord Chamberlain just been shot in the throne room? The King was shouting orders over the noise that rooms be prepared for the number of guests who had just shown up in his castle, Captain Finevoice was sent to arrest General Anesthetic and make recommendations for a replacement, but Snob barely heard any of them, because Film Brain was alive, and his, and they would be together.
They finally pulled apart and Film Brain smiled. “I need to sleep for about a month,” he said.
“Same,” Snob agreed. “How do your feet feel?”
“Better,” Film Brain said. “I think breaking the curse healed them…or Linkara did. Either way, you’d better not ever take me dancing.”
“Good,” Snob said. “I fucking hate dancing.”
*
“And that’s about what happened.” Harvey took another sip of ale and smiled at Eliza, who was leaning over the table, listening avidly to his tale. “The young royals all married their own true loves in due course…except Ashens, who decided that being Captain of the Guard was a good thing to do. And Snob and Film Brain decided that living in the castle was far too stressful and retired to run a bookshop in the village, using the branches Snob brought back from the enchanted castle to pay for it.”
“Is that all true, Captain?” Eliza asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
“Every word,” Harvey assured her. “Would I lie to you?”
“Yes,” Sarah said as she came by to collect empty glasses. “You lie all the goddamned time, Captain.”
Harvey pretended to be offended. “Sarah! After all the good tips I give, that’s the thanks I get?”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Don’t listen to him, Eliza. He’s a notorious exaggerator, especially when talking to pretty girls.” She smirked at Harvey. “Lecherous old bastard.”
Harvey laughed as the door to the inn opened. “Well, then ask them yourself,” he said. “Evening, Sergeant…Your Highness.”
Film Brain rolled his eyes. “How many times have I told you to drop that title?” he asked. “Two ales and some fairy cakes, Sarah.”
“On it,” Sarah said.
Eliza looked at them curiously. “Is it true, what Harvey’s been telling me about how you two got together?” she asked.
Snob glanced at Harvey, then at Film Brain, smirking. “Lies,” he said. “Every word.”
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Tedious and frustrating. General Anesthetic hadn’t settled for merely locking Snob in a dungeon. Oh, no, this time he had used the shackles. Snob had strained against them for a while, but had finally concluded that struggling anymore would probably end up breaking his wrists, which wouldn’t do anybody any good. He didn’t know how he could get out of this. Captain Finevoice didn’t know where he was, the King wouldn’t question his imprisonment once Ask That Guy fed him the story about Snob trying to kill the entire royal family, and Film Brain would die, far below the castle.
Snob wasn’t a man to pray, or to cry. Both his religion and his tears had been completely erased by the war. But now, knowing that he had come so close to happiness, knowing that he had almost saved the man he loved…
Well. That was enough to make anyone cry.
Snob had fully resigned himself to his death when the door suddenly opened, flooding the room with light. He didn’t even look up. Probably the executioner, coming to lead him to his end. Film Brain was probably already dead. What was the point in fighting?
“Hey!” Someone snapped their fingers in front of Snob’s face. He looked up and saw the serving maid Calluna in front of him. “Snap out of it! You need to go save the prince!” She pulled a ring of keys from her apron pocket and started unlocking the shackles.
“What?” Snob was shocked. “How did you know where I was?”
Calluna gave him a withering glare. “You’re not the only one with an innocuous idiot keeping an eye on things,” she said. “Chick has every maid in the castle watching the Lord Chamberlain, and I was listening to everything they were saying from outside the door.” She unlocked the last shackle and Snob got up, rubbing his wrists. “Sorry it took me so long to get here, I had to find a good moment when the general was distracted.”
“Right,” Snob said. “Tell the King I’ll want to see him in an hour. And make sure that they’re both there…along with Captain Finevoice.” He turned and ran from the room before she could reply.
Snob ran straight to the royal wing, where 90s Kid and the other guard stood. “Unlock this door,” he commanded.
The other guard scowled at him. “You don’t have the authority to command us,” he said.
“The prince is dying,” Snob said. “I’ll explain later, just unlock the door!”
90s Kid moved to do so, but the other guard blocked his path. “General Anesthetic gave orders,” he said. “No one is to enter or leave this hall until sunrise.”
“By sunrise, it will be too late!” Snob shouted.
The guard took up his musket and took aim. “If you insist on breaking in, I will count you as a threat.”
Snob snarled but before he could move, 90s Kid beat him to the punch and hit the other guard over the head with his own weapon. The guard fell and 90s Kid unlocked the door quickly. “Go,” he said.
Snob didn’t need advice. He simply pushed past 90s Kid and ran to Critic’s room. The passageway was still open, leading down. Snob ran down the stairs as fast as he could, even as his leg flared with renewed pain.
It was still too much, as halfway down Snob slipped and fell the rest of the way down, scraping his hands and knees in the process. He grunted as he hit the ground, but couldn’t pause for more than a moment to struggle to his feet and run down the path, barely noticing the glint of the branches, which were now covered in diamonds. He snatched up a fallen branch from the ground as he passed.
Snob reached the lake and looked across to the castle, realizing that all the boats were still on the opposite shore. He paused for barely a moment before he stepped into the frigid water and started to swim.
The distance across the lake wasn’t too far, but after his run and fall down the stairs, the swim made his already aching wound scream from pain. Snob grit his teeth and struggled on, ignoring the cold, resisting the pain. He had to get to Film Brain…maybe he was too late, but he had to get there.
He reached the opposite shore and pulled himself out of the water. He didn’t even stop to catch his breath before he was running into the castle, to the ballroom.
The dance was well under-way, the young royals and their partners moving in the same fluid motion that Snob had seen the past two nights. His eyes sought out Film Brain and spotted him in the center of the floor, looking pale and in pain, stumbling more than the others.
“Film Brain!” Snob called.
The music stopped and everyone turned to where Snob had just arrived, dripping on the floor. Film Brain’s eyes widened, but even as Snob watched, the prince gave a sudden gasp of pain and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
Several of the princesses screamed, and Critic gave the most wounded cry Snob had ever heard come from a human throat, but he didn’t pay attention. He was already moving across the floor, to where Ashens was kneeling over the unconscious figure.
“What happened to him?” Ashens asked as soon as Snob reached them.
“Poison,” Snob said. “Ask That Guy said he’s been using it for months and just upped the dosage…but I don’t know how…” His eyes fell on Film Brain’s feet and the pieces clicked into place. Hurriedly, Snob moved and practically tore the shoes from Film Brain’s feet.
“What…” There were murmurs throughout the hall. Snob looked to all the young royals. “Shoes off, now,” he ordered. “Ashens, I need you to row us back across.” He lifted Film Brain in his arms and stood up, barely managing to keep his bad leg from collapsing.
“Who are you?” Ashens asked as he followed Snob out of the hall.
“I’m Snob,” Snob said. “His soldier.”
Ashens nodded and didn’t ask anything more as they got into the boat. Snob held onto Film Brain as they rowed back across, feeling the prince’s faint pulse still beating. It wasn’t too late...not yet…he was alive…
They reached the other side and Snob didn’t say a word to Ashens, only carried Film Brain off, back down the path as quickly as he could go, back up the stairs, every step a struggle. Between the weight and the pain, Snob half-expected to fall again, but this time he didn’t. He reached the door and carried Film Brain back into the castle, through the royal wing, and to the throne room.
He could hear voices as he approached, the King and Ask That Guy arguing with Captain Finevoice. Snob didn’t listen, only walked into the room, Film Brain still unconscious in his arms. As he entered, the noise stopped as they all turned to look at him.
Snob didn’t look at anyone but the King on his throne. He approached slowly, unable to walk quickly anymore. He breathed heavily as he approached and finally lay Film Brain down at the King’s feet and knelt beside him.
There was silence in the hall. The King’s breath hitched, but Snob didn’t spare a thought for him. Let the King regret this. Let him feel all the pain he had inflicted on his family for so long.
“What is this?” the King finally asked. “What happened?”
“This is the execution you ordered,” Snob said, his voice quiet but steady. “The one you failed to stop.” He stood up, slowly and painfully, and stood before the King. “I’ve just come from an enchanted castle, far beneath the floors of this one, where a dozen people who have loved your family well are trapped, and where they and the young royals are forced to dance, night after night, until they are all in pain and can barely move. But they do, because you would not take the time question things further than a simple glance.”
“I have done everything…”
“But not enough.” Snob glared at the King. “You ask them, day after day, but never question anyone else around you, when the Lord Chamberlain could have told you everything that has been happening. Because he caused it.”
“Preposterous,” Ask That Guy spat. “Your Majesty, he is a traitor, determined to destroy your family. Look what he’s done to the boy!”
“I’ve done nothing to him,” Snob said coolly. “I didn’t have a hand free, but I imagine when the others come up, they’ll bring you their shoes…and his…and you’ll find that there was poison in them all. Poison that would be easily induced once their feet were bleeding.” He kept his eyes on the King even as Ask That Guy sputtered. “And I ask you…who sets out the shoes to be distributed every day?”
“Your Majesty, this is ridiculous!” Ask That Guy protested.
“Is it?” Snob asked. “I brought back branches from this world.” He pulled the gold, silver and diamond branches from his pocket. “Those didn’t come from your garden, Your Majesty. And I believe that there’s at least one serving maid who will testify that she heard you plotting to kill the royal family…and there’s at least one other guard who can verify everything I’m saying.” He nodded to Captain Finevoice. “Go get them, would you, Captain?”
“Certainly.” Captain Finevoice turned and went to the doors of the throne room.
There was silence for a moment before a low moan reached Snob’s ears. He quickly knelt down again and saw Film Brain’s eyes flutter open. “Snob?” Film Brain asked.
“I’m here,” Snob said. “I’m here…you’re going to be okay…you’re safe now…” He took Film Brain’s hand.
“I’m dying.” The words were faint, but Snob could still catch them. “Aren’t I?”
“No,” Snob said. “No, you’re going to be all right…we’ll find a way...don’t you fucking die on me, Film Brain, not now…”
The King was staring at them. “Film Brain,” he said.
Film Brain turned his eyes to the King. “Rob,” he said. “I have a last request.”
The King nodded. “Anything,” he said.
“I want to marry him,” Film Brain said. “Now.”
“You can’t do that!” Ask That Guy objected. “He’s still…”
“Shut up, Ask That Guy,” the King said. “Film Brain, I don’t think there’s time…”
“Then you’d better hurry,” Film Brain gasped. “Please.”
The King took a breath and started speaking the ceremony as quickly as he could. Snob didn’t look away from Film Brain’s eyes, counting every breath. In…out…in…out…
“Do you, Prince Film Brain, take this man as your husband?”
“I do,” Film Brain whispered.
“Do you, Sergeant Cinema Snob, take this man as your husband?”
“I do,” Snob said.
“Then I pronounce you as married,” the King said. “You may kiss your bride.”
“One last kiss,” Film Brain whispered.
Snob bent and pressed their lips together.
There was a crack like thunder as Ask That Guy screamed in fury. Snob pulled away in time to see Film Brain’s eyes close. The prince’s hand fell limply from his, but Snob didn’t have time to think about that because Ask That Guy leaped at him, a knife in hand.
Snob turned as the knife came down, but before it could strike, a shot rang out and Ask That Guy fell. Snob watched as Captain Finevoice came in, shaking his head. “Really, he should know better,” he muttered, passing the musket back to 90s Kid. “Reload that for me, would you, Junior?”
The King stared, open-mouthed as Captain Finevoice walked forward. “Sorry, Your Majesty,” Captain Finevoice said. “Couldn’t let my best sergeant get killed that fast.”
“Would someone please explain exactly what is going on?” the King asked.
“Certainly,” Captain Finevoice said. “Curse is broken, so I can talk about it.”
As Captain Finevoice launched into the story, Snob heard a number of footsteps running toward the throne room. He watched the door eagerly, hoping that one of them was a physician.
The first person through the door was Calluna, who curtsied hurriedly and brought a pair of shoes to the foot of the throne. Snob recognized them as Film Brain’s.
The next person in was Spoony, closely followed by Linkara. Both bowed briefly before Spoony moved and helped Snob to his feet and Linkara knelt beside Film Brain, murmuring quietly in a language Snob didn’t understand.
“He’ll be fine,” Spoony whispered. “Linkara’s good at working miracles, and Film Brain is not the first person he’s brought back to life.”
Snob nodded, watching as Linkara muttered and made strange hand signs over Film Brain. He barely even registered the rest of the young royals and their respective lovers coming into the room. Ashens did nod to Snob as he entered, but remained in the back, waiting.
Just as Captain Finevoice finished giving a concise explanation of everything that had happened, Linkara finished his spell and stepped back. There was a moment of silence before Film Brain took a deep breath. Snob rushed to him immediately, practically throwing himself to the floor next to him.
Blue eyes opened, confused and disoriented, but Film Brain’s expression cleared when he saw Snob. “My love,” the prince whispered.
“Welcome back, Film Brain,” Snob said, and kissed him.
People were shouting, asking what had happened, why had the prince wed a soldier, why did he die, where did the magician come from and why had the Lord Chamberlain just been shot in the throne room? The King was shouting orders over the noise that rooms be prepared for the number of guests who had just shown up in his castle, Captain Finevoice was sent to arrest General Anesthetic and make recommendations for a replacement, but Snob barely heard any of them, because Film Brain was alive, and his, and they would be together.
They finally pulled apart and Film Brain smiled. “I need to sleep for about a month,” he said.
“Same,” Snob agreed. “How do your feet feel?”
“Better,” Film Brain said. “I think breaking the curse healed them…or Linkara did. Either way, you’d better not ever take me dancing.”
“Good,” Snob said. “I fucking hate dancing.”
*
“And that’s about what happened.” Harvey took another sip of ale and smiled at Eliza, who was leaning over the table, listening avidly to his tale. “The young royals all married their own true loves in due course…except Ashens, who decided that being Captain of the Guard was a good thing to do. And Snob and Film Brain decided that living in the castle was far too stressful and retired to run a bookshop in the village, using the branches Snob brought back from the enchanted castle to pay for it.”
“Is that all true, Captain?” Eliza asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
“Every word,” Harvey assured her. “Would I lie to you?”
“Yes,” Sarah said as she came by to collect empty glasses. “You lie all the goddamned time, Captain.”
Harvey pretended to be offended. “Sarah! After all the good tips I give, that’s the thanks I get?”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Don’t listen to him, Eliza. He’s a notorious exaggerator, especially when talking to pretty girls.” She smirked at Harvey. “Lecherous old bastard.”
Harvey laughed as the door to the inn opened. “Well, then ask them yourself,” he said. “Evening, Sergeant…Your Highness.”
Film Brain rolled his eyes. “How many times have I told you to drop that title?” he asked. “Two ales and some fairy cakes, Sarah.”
“On it,” Sarah said.
Eliza looked at them curiously. “Is it true, what Harvey’s been telling me about how you two got together?” she asked.
Snob glanced at Harvey, then at Film Brain, smirking. “Lies,” he said. “Every word.”
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