attack of the panic
i'm in this stage right now of my beautifully fucked up chemicalness where i feel alone. i hate when i get in this stage. because no matter who i talk to i still feel like shit. my dad talks to me but he always states the obvious. karl is not sympathetic. all my friends just tell me what i want to hear. lisa is the only person who makes me feel better. she is the only one who gives me the godawfull truth no matter how horrible it is. i can always count on that. i love her for this.
i'm sure this entry seams a little like one big run on sentance. i'm not even sure that i'm expressing exactly how i feel.
i feel like my relationship is in the shits. (it's not) i feel like a fat obese cow(i'm not) i feel like i'm not good enough for anyone(so not the case) i feel like i want to run away and never look back(cant because of my kids) this is what it's like for me when my depression kicks in. i start to feel like i'm living on the outside of my life. like no one cares about me. i get sad and depressed. and all i want is to numb these feelings. god i wish i had some vallum or a vic. something something to make me not give a fuck. this is why is started doing drugs in the first place. instantly i didn't feel so alone. and so sad. i felt numb and i didn't give a fuck about the world around me. of course those feelings come back once the drug has escaped the system. but then there is always a back up. alcohol really dosn't do the hole numbing thing for me. but drugs. man i miss drugs right now. dosnt mean i'm going to start doing them again. i've been clean for so long. and i love my babies to much to be a shit head drug addict. but that dosn't mean i'm not alowed to miss them. to miss the feeling of escaping my body without taking a step.
i would love to pop 2 or 3 750's and lay back and feel my hole body just go limp . giggle when nothings funny but just because i feel so distant from my sadness. almost like an instant fuck the world!! i miss that feeling. i miss X. not for the amazing sex. for the amazing pleasure it brought all over my body. for the way it made me love my entire existance. i miss shrooms because well...well they are fukkin great.
i'm tired i havn't been getting that much sleep. i'm going to drive up to akron today and go to alladins. and sit in highland square and drink tea and read a book maybe take my laptop. and just be. be by myself. alone me and the mind that races . free of substance. wanting substance. and knowing that in the end i'm stuck with me.
i'm sure this entry seams a little like one big run on sentance. i'm not even sure that i'm expressing exactly how i feel.
i feel like my relationship is in the shits. (it's not) i feel like a fat obese cow(i'm not) i feel like i'm not good enough for anyone(so not the case) i feel like i want to run away and never look back(cant because of my kids) this is what it's like for me when my depression kicks in. i start to feel like i'm living on the outside of my life. like no one cares about me. i get sad and depressed. and all i want is to numb these feelings. god i wish i had some vallum or a vic. something something to make me not give a fuck. this is why is started doing drugs in the first place. instantly i didn't feel so alone. and so sad. i felt numb and i didn't give a fuck about the world around me. of course those feelings come back once the drug has escaped the system. but then there is always a back up. alcohol really dosn't do the hole numbing thing for me. but drugs. man i miss drugs right now. dosnt mean i'm going to start doing them again. i've been clean for so long. and i love my babies to much to be a shit head drug addict. but that dosn't mean i'm not alowed to miss them. to miss the feeling of escaping my body without taking a step.
i would love to pop 2 or 3 750's and lay back and feel my hole body just go limp . giggle when nothings funny but just because i feel so distant from my sadness. almost like an instant fuck the world!! i miss that feeling. i miss X. not for the amazing sex. for the amazing pleasure it brought all over my body. for the way it made me love my entire existance. i miss shrooms because well...well they are fukkin great.
i'm tired i havn't been getting that much sleep. i'm going to drive up to akron today and go to alladins. and sit in highland square and drink tea and read a book maybe take my laptop. and just be. be by myself. alone me and the mind that races . free of substance. wanting substance. and knowing that in the end i'm stuck with me.