There is so much to lose
Pride and expectations aren't a pretty combination. I struggle with questioning myself. Do I really have these so-called expectations or was it sensitivity on my part? Or was it just me clinging onto things in the past that I shouldn't? And then, I formulate a theory. Deep inside of me, I know I have too much to lose, much greater than before. I found something better, or rather, something that's the best I can ever find, that none can ever compare, and so I tread carefully, I stick to routine, I like constant changes. And then, that's when I start to make mistakes. I start to compare the past and the present. I start to be eager to keep things the same as before, I abhor even the slightest tweaks and prevent them from changing too much. I find myself picking at the smallest of things and jump to destroy any pricks and needles along the way. I start to get insecure, I complain a lot, I second-guess myself and others and I doubt things and words and people.
Despite knowing all that, I find it hard to come to terms with it. It makes logical sense somehow and yet in other ways, it seemed almost trivial to bother with them. Two sides of my head are giving me very different views, and perhaps everything boils down to me thinking too much, and yet it appears that I am simplifying things too. I just want the simple happiness I found in everyday life last time.
I hate that I have such low self confidence and esteem. I want to feel good about myself, my body, my place in life generally. I've been lazy and tardy with everything lately, well for about a year for the former, but yeah. It is such a bad thing but with so many changes and things happening in life, I can't seem to be able to find the motivation and drive to run and exercise like before. I love playing sports, I love running on my own time, I love playing tennis or squash once in a while. I love having to account to nobody but myself and being self-reliant. I miss feeling good about myself and seeing my body losing weight, being able to fit into the curves of a bodycon dress and not having people joke about size. I know how I always laugh it off when guys come to me and tease me just because they think that they know I'm a good sport, but inwardly, I am really hurt. I get it okay, my thighs are huge, I'm fat, I'm not the conventional long-legged, skinny girl. And god-damn do I wish I am, and that way, everyone can shut up about me and my size. I'm sorry, world, for not being skinny, for having fats on my body, for not having a flat tummy and long slender legs. This has been an overdue post, because I long had enough of people's bullshit and their jokes about me. It ain't funny really, we all have feelings, and try hard not to feel any bit insulted the next time someone 'joked' about your appearance or something sensitive to you. Don't give me shit about just have to take things light-heartedly and good-naturedly, even the best will feel that slightest prick inside.
I love how nobody knows about this lj, and no one bothers to. It feels good to talk about real shit in life.