We didn't make it.
Out of all the times I have had my heart broken, It's never been this bad.
We broke up.
The pain is different this time.
Even more painful then the last.
That's because I fell more in love.
If you take a look at my confidence level, I should not be in a relationship. You know that saying? "You need to learn how to love yourself, before you can love anyone else?". Well it's true. It's more than true. That is part of the reason why we broke up. It's because my self confidence is not there anymore.
In grade 10, I was loud, I was confident, but all for the wrong reasons. After I realized that I wanted to become a better person, I was back to my old shy self. For some reason, as soon as I started to change my bad ways, my confidence level went down. I don't know why. I still get butterflies around him, my heart still jumps everytime he calls, I still get nervous and shut down conversation wise. Although we do have great phone conversations sometimes, other times it's dead silent.
That isn't the only reason why I've been quiet over the phone. The other reason is because I am afraid. I'm afraid that i'm never going to be good enough for him. I think I made myself believe it so much that I started making up scenes of him breaking up with me, and cheating on me. I've had 3 dreams of him cheating on me in the past 2 days. Subconciously, that is what my brain is thinking. So everytime he calls, i'm quiet, and mad.
He called me yesterday and told me that he loved me and missed me several times. I was being a bitch. He called me today and I was all quiet because I was a bitch yesterday. Then he called me for the second time today and I got mad at him for not caring wether I go to nightschool on Tuesday (our two months). Only to find out that he does care, but doesn't wan't me to skip my provincial. After that I was still mad, because of the fact that I was mad at such a sweet guy. He kept asking me what was wrong but I wouldn't tell him.
I think that's when he had enough, and then was like Nomo, I love you very very much. But we can't do this anymore, I can't see us being together in the future because we just don't connect like we use to anymore. You use to talk to me a lot at the beggining of our relationship but you don't anymore. Then I told him that it's because I was scared, I was afraid of being hurt. I didn't want him to hurt me like my dad hurt my mom. And the more I care about someone the more I can't trust them. It's because the more I care the more I wan't them to stay. He told me that, that was the problem. I begged for another chance but he says that hes been crying quite a bit lately because he didn't know what to do. He says that hes been trying for a really long time to bring me out, but it's not working.
So were done. I don't know what to think. I'm shocked because I didn't expect this at all. I should of, because of the way I have been acting.
But if he really loved me as much as he said he did, he would of given me another chance.
On the other hand, experiencing love for the first time makes me thankful, and I will always remeber the reasons why I fell in love with him, and all the good times. This pain was all worth it.
I'm sad, my eyes are red and extremely puffy, I'm going to be depressed for a while, and i'd much rather be dead right now, but the wound that caused my pain will eventually heal, and I have to fight through it.
I believe that i'm soon going to be able to start my love life over again, and forget about him.
<3 noMo
You Know, I Can't Remeber The Last Time We Kissed. Cause You Never Think The Last Time Is The Last Time, You Think There'll Be More. You Think You Have Forever But You Don't. ~ Meredith Grey - Greys Anatomy
We broke up.
The pain is different this time.
Even more painful then the last.
That's because I fell more in love.
If you take a look at my confidence level, I should not be in a relationship. You know that saying? "You need to learn how to love yourself, before you can love anyone else?". Well it's true. It's more than true. That is part of the reason why we broke up. It's because my self confidence is not there anymore.
In grade 10, I was loud, I was confident, but all for the wrong reasons. After I realized that I wanted to become a better person, I was back to my old shy self. For some reason, as soon as I started to change my bad ways, my confidence level went down. I don't know why. I still get butterflies around him, my heart still jumps everytime he calls, I still get nervous and shut down conversation wise. Although we do have great phone conversations sometimes, other times it's dead silent.
That isn't the only reason why I've been quiet over the phone. The other reason is because I am afraid. I'm afraid that i'm never going to be good enough for him. I think I made myself believe it so much that I started making up scenes of him breaking up with me, and cheating on me. I've had 3 dreams of him cheating on me in the past 2 days. Subconciously, that is what my brain is thinking. So everytime he calls, i'm quiet, and mad.
He called me yesterday and told me that he loved me and missed me several times. I was being a bitch. He called me today and I was all quiet because I was a bitch yesterday. Then he called me for the second time today and I got mad at him for not caring wether I go to nightschool on Tuesday (our two months). Only to find out that he does care, but doesn't wan't me to skip my provincial. After that I was still mad, because of the fact that I was mad at such a sweet guy. He kept asking me what was wrong but I wouldn't tell him.
I think that's when he had enough, and then was like Nomo, I love you very very much. But we can't do this anymore, I can't see us being together in the future because we just don't connect like we use to anymore. You use to talk to me a lot at the beggining of our relationship but you don't anymore. Then I told him that it's because I was scared, I was afraid of being hurt. I didn't want him to hurt me like my dad hurt my mom. And the more I care about someone the more I can't trust them. It's because the more I care the more I wan't them to stay. He told me that, that was the problem. I begged for another chance but he says that hes been crying quite a bit lately because he didn't know what to do. He says that hes been trying for a really long time to bring me out, but it's not working.
So were done. I don't know what to think. I'm shocked because I didn't expect this at all. I should of, because of the way I have been acting.
But if he really loved me as much as he said he did, he would of given me another chance.
On the other hand, experiencing love for the first time makes me thankful, and I will always remeber the reasons why I fell in love with him, and all the good times. This pain was all worth it.
I'm sad, my eyes are red and extremely puffy, I'm going to be depressed for a while, and i'd much rather be dead right now, but the wound that caused my pain will eventually heal, and I have to fight through it.
I believe that i'm soon going to be able to start my love life over again, and forget about him.
<3 noMo
You Know, I Can't Remeber The Last Time We Kissed. Cause You Never Think The Last Time Is The Last Time, You Think There'll Be More. You Think You Have Forever But You Don't. ~ Meredith Grey - Greys Anatomy