(no subject)
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I am unimaginably depressed. I can't even get out of bed in the morning, what's the point?
I feel this unbearable pressure surrounding me all the time and I feel like I might explode and die.
I'm going on Monday to talk to the school about getting enrolled.
I picked up and moved to Bradenton with Billy, on a whim.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It seems like no matter what I choose to do, I fuck my life up further.
I've also come to the realization that I am not cut out to be a mom. I'm not into kids.
I resent Aisy because she needs me so much and I'm just...not there. I don't know how to be.
I take care of her basic needs but I have no idea how to play with her or get on her level.
I'm a terrible mother.
I shouldn't have any more kids, and I don't plan to anymore.
I'm a great mom when it comes to babies, but not anything over that. Not so far.
I miss Phil.
A lot.
This sucks.
We're living in Billy's grandparents house, one of which is dead and the other lives with his parents.
It feels eerie.
It feels weird.
All of their stuff is still here and I can't make it my house, it's not my house.
They lived here for around 40 years or so, it's their house.
I could go home.
I have the option of picking up and going back to Orlando, with no strings attached and no guilting from Phil.
I might. I don't know.
I feel like I have to try here, I have to give it my all and then if it still fails, I can know I tried my hardest.
I love Billy, so much. I want us to work.
I just don't know what's wishful thinking and what isn't.
Today he invited his only other ex over to hang out.
It wasn't that weird because Julie and I have talked on the net a lot, and Billy always asked me to stop talking to her, so I did. But he's over it and she is too. It wasn't that weird, but it was a little.
It was nice to put a person to the stories.
We went to a birthday party for one of Pk's friends from high schools kids today too. It was...bad.
She hits her kids and it makes me cringe. I just wanted to leave the whole time, but Billy refused and said it would be rude. I just can't imagine ever hitting anyone, let alone a helpless child.
It disgusts me.
And it really sucks because she was supposed to be our babysitter for when I'm in school, but now I know she hits as punishment and I can't send Aisy to her.
I guess I should have asked about that but I'm used to only knowing parents that are into gentle discipline.
::sigh::
I'm so high strung I might burst.
//.stardust
I am unimaginably depressed. I can't even get out of bed in the morning, what's the point?
I feel this unbearable pressure surrounding me all the time and I feel like I might explode and die.
I'm going on Monday to talk to the school about getting enrolled.
I picked up and moved to Bradenton with Billy, on a whim.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It seems like no matter what I choose to do, I fuck my life up further.
I've also come to the realization that I am not cut out to be a mom. I'm not into kids.
I resent Aisy because she needs me so much and I'm just...not there. I don't know how to be.
I take care of her basic needs but I have no idea how to play with her or get on her level.
I'm a terrible mother.
I shouldn't have any more kids, and I don't plan to anymore.
I'm a great mom when it comes to babies, but not anything over that. Not so far.
I miss Phil.
A lot.
This sucks.
We're living in Billy's grandparents house, one of which is dead and the other lives with his parents.
It feels eerie.
It feels weird.
All of their stuff is still here and I can't make it my house, it's not my house.
They lived here for around 40 years or so, it's their house.
I could go home.
I have the option of picking up and going back to Orlando, with no strings attached and no guilting from Phil.
I might. I don't know.
I feel like I have to try here, I have to give it my all and then if it still fails, I can know I tried my hardest.
I love Billy, so much. I want us to work.
I just don't know what's wishful thinking and what isn't.
Today he invited his only other ex over to hang out.
It wasn't that weird because Julie and I have talked on the net a lot, and Billy always asked me to stop talking to her, so I did. But he's over it and she is too. It wasn't that weird, but it was a little.
It was nice to put a person to the stories.
We went to a birthday party for one of Pk's friends from high schools kids today too. It was...bad.
She hits her kids and it makes me cringe. I just wanted to leave the whole time, but Billy refused and said it would be rude. I just can't imagine ever hitting anyone, let alone a helpless child.
It disgusts me.
And it really sucks because she was supposed to be our babysitter for when I'm in school, but now I know she hits as punishment and I can't send Aisy to her.
I guess I should have asked about that but I'm used to only knowing parents that are into gentle discipline.
::sigh::
I'm so high strung I might burst.
//.stardust