Inside Out
title: inside out
author: bustedxwhore
rating: pg-13 maybe.. i'm horrible at these.
pairing: not specific, but they can't be from the same band.
summary: you let your insecurities get the better of you.
disclaimer: do not own! title is from a menudo song of the same name, and the cut is from the same song.
author's note: i didn't write a specific pairing so i'm sort of interested in seeing which pairings you all read it as so let me know! i'm totally nervous posting this by the way! also this is unbeta'd so sorry for any mistakes, though i don't think there are many.
You hope to God that this isn't the last time you'll see him, that him walking out that door isn't really the end of things for the two of you. Your fear about being separated on your own tours getting the better of you. Your insecurities are rising, telling you that you aren't good enough for him, that he'll seek comfort elsewhere, that he'll find someone better, someone who is better then you. You're the older one in the relationship, you're supposed to be strong, but you know that you're the weak one. You know that he is so much stronger then you. He believes in you, the way that you should believe in him.
Once the door closes, you lean against the wall and pull your phone out. You wait for twitter to load before typing in '32 stops before I see you again..' You know that people will figure it out, know that you're talking about him. Honestly, you stopped giving a rats ass about what people think of you awhile ago. You decide to call it a night and go to bed at only 7 P.M.
You can feel the tug, when you read his tweets. They're all about the people he's spending his time with, the others on the tour. You know that you shouldn't be jealous, but you just can't help it. Especially when he starts to incessantly tweet about one of the male members on the tour. You rub your hand over your face before going back to the main page of twitter, deciding that if jealousy is taking a hold of you, you might as well play that game as well. Deep down you know this really isn't a game, but you feel hurt, and you want to get back at him for making you feel this way. But instead of doing what you had first intended to, you type out, 'It hurts to think that my worst nightmare might be coming true," before pressing the update button.
Not even a minute later you have a direct message from him saying, 'Baby, are you okay? You know you can talk to me.' You decide to ignore his attempt to reach out, by closing your laptop and making your way back to the bunk area. One of the guys starts to talk, but you keep moving past him, before collapsing inside your bunk. Your heart just hurts too much to actually function so you just close your eyes and let your insecurities get the best of you, let them eat you up on the inside.
A week and a half later you're still ignoring all of his attempts at contact. You don't know what to say to him. You don't know how to explain how you're feeling. You don't know how to word things, which is new to you. You've always been able to talk to him about things, but this, this is new, this is different, and for once you're scared. For once it's you who doesn't know what's going on. For once it's you who needs the support. For once it's you who just needs him here. But he's not. He's halfway across the country from you, and it hurts.
You know that the others know that something is going on. You know that they suspect that things aren't working with your relationship. But you know that they don't know exactly what is wrong. They've all tried to talk to you separately. They've all tried to be there for you, but you refuse them, like you refuse him. You've become a shell of who you used to be. You're not the same person from before the tour. You don't smile much anymore, forget about laughing that's just out of the question. You barely eat, and you don't talk. Instead you sit in silence, furiously writing in a notebook. Writing the feelings that you can't share with anyone because you just don't know how.
You hear a knock on the door to the back of the bus, and don't even bother lifting your heard or letting the other person know that it's alright to enter. They'll do what they want and you know that. You keep writing. Writing as if your life depends on it, which it just might. You hear the noise again, and let out a soft, "Enter." Your face is still turned down towards the notebook, watching as the words appear on the paper, as the door opens.
"They weren't lying," you hear a soft voice say, and at this you lift your head. You're greeted by the sight of your boyfriend, standing in the back room, shifting awkwardly on his feet. Instead of answering him you just tilt your head, and give him a confused look. "You look like crap," he says. You find yourself talking in a hoarse voice this time, "Well gee, I love you too."
He moves and sits next to you, "I'm just being honest. You look like you haven't slept in forever, and as if you haven't showered for just as long." You wince a bit at his comment, "I've had other things on my mind." He nods, and looks you in the eyes, "You going to tell me what these things are?" You shift under his gaze, before looking back down at your notebook. You close it, and cap your pen. Once you've set those items next to you, you look up at him. "I can try," you say. He flashes you a smile, "That's all I can ask for." With that, you're turned inside out.
author: bustedxwhore
rating: pg-13 maybe.. i'm horrible at these.
pairing: not specific, but they can't be from the same band.
summary: you let your insecurities get the better of you.
disclaimer: do not own! title is from a menudo song of the same name, and the cut is from the same song.
author's note: i didn't write a specific pairing so i'm sort of interested in seeing which pairings you all read it as so let me know! i'm totally nervous posting this by the way! also this is unbeta'd so sorry for any mistakes, though i don't think there are many.
You hope to God that this isn't the last time you'll see him, that him walking out that door isn't really the end of things for the two of you. Your fear about being separated on your own tours getting the better of you. Your insecurities are rising, telling you that you aren't good enough for him, that he'll seek comfort elsewhere, that he'll find someone better, someone who is better then you. You're the older one in the relationship, you're supposed to be strong, but you know that you're the weak one. You know that he is so much stronger then you. He believes in you, the way that you should believe in him.
Once the door closes, you lean against the wall and pull your phone out. You wait for twitter to load before typing in '32 stops before I see you again..' You know that people will figure it out, know that you're talking about him. Honestly, you stopped giving a rats ass about what people think of you awhile ago. You decide to call it a night and go to bed at only 7 P.M.
You can feel the tug, when you read his tweets. They're all about the people he's spending his time with, the others on the tour. You know that you shouldn't be jealous, but you just can't help it. Especially when he starts to incessantly tweet about one of the male members on the tour. You rub your hand over your face before going back to the main page of twitter, deciding that if jealousy is taking a hold of you, you might as well play that game as well. Deep down you know this really isn't a game, but you feel hurt, and you want to get back at him for making you feel this way. But instead of doing what you had first intended to, you type out, 'It hurts to think that my worst nightmare might be coming true," before pressing the update button.
Not even a minute later you have a direct message from him saying, 'Baby, are you okay? You know you can talk to me.' You decide to ignore his attempt to reach out, by closing your laptop and making your way back to the bunk area. One of the guys starts to talk, but you keep moving past him, before collapsing inside your bunk. Your heart just hurts too much to actually function so you just close your eyes and let your insecurities get the best of you, let them eat you up on the inside.
A week and a half later you're still ignoring all of his attempts at contact. You don't know what to say to him. You don't know how to explain how you're feeling. You don't know how to word things, which is new to you. You've always been able to talk to him about things, but this, this is new, this is different, and for once you're scared. For once it's you who doesn't know what's going on. For once it's you who needs the support. For once it's you who just needs him here. But he's not. He's halfway across the country from you, and it hurts.
You know that the others know that something is going on. You know that they suspect that things aren't working with your relationship. But you know that they don't know exactly what is wrong. They've all tried to talk to you separately. They've all tried to be there for you, but you refuse them, like you refuse him. You've become a shell of who you used to be. You're not the same person from before the tour. You don't smile much anymore, forget about laughing that's just out of the question. You barely eat, and you don't talk. Instead you sit in silence, furiously writing in a notebook. Writing the feelings that you can't share with anyone because you just don't know how.
You hear a knock on the door to the back of the bus, and don't even bother lifting your heard or letting the other person know that it's alright to enter. They'll do what they want and you know that. You keep writing. Writing as if your life depends on it, which it just might. You hear the noise again, and let out a soft, "Enter." Your face is still turned down towards the notebook, watching as the words appear on the paper, as the door opens.
"They weren't lying," you hear a soft voice say, and at this you lift your head. You're greeted by the sight of your boyfriend, standing in the back room, shifting awkwardly on his feet. Instead of answering him you just tilt your head, and give him a confused look. "You look like crap," he says. You find yourself talking in a hoarse voice this time, "Well gee, I love you too."
He moves and sits next to you, "I'm just being honest. You look like you haven't slept in forever, and as if you haven't showered for just as long." You wince a bit at his comment, "I've had other things on my mind." He nods, and looks you in the eyes, "You going to tell me what these things are?" You shift under his gaze, before looking back down at your notebook. You close it, and cap your pen. Once you've set those items next to you, you look up at him. "I can try," you say. He flashes you a smile, "That's all I can ask for." With that, you're turned inside out.