When i said i needed you, well i really need you..
Well, Mixed nuts this week.
Her and I are over, I think a little on both our parts. She told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore, then changed her mind? I dunno. I wasn't happy. I tried to fake it the last two months, tried to make it into something i don't think it could ever become. Which sucks, I did/still do love her and care about her immensely. It had nothing to do with him in my eyes. And please don't think it did. The relationship was just stuck in this weird place that wasn't good. I wish we could still talk and it be ok, but it wouldn't be. I'm sure she's going on with her life, partying it up with her friends, wouldn't even be shocked if she was drinking again. Oh well. Hopefully not. Hopefully she sees how awful the drinking is and how detrimental it is to her life and won't go back to it. But i dunno, it's her life.
I am horribly sad over it all. I care about her and really loved some aspects of our relationship. But i really just loathed the bad things. I think this is for the best tho, i don't think she'll agree. I'd be lying if i said i haven't cried over it. I am sad, very much so. And it's not that i'm heartless and cruel. It just needed to happen. Neither of us were growing in the relationship. It wasn't fair to either of us.
Anyway..got my bill from the emergency room. $800. Wow. Barely legal and already in debt. Suppose it's a good thing then that i got my promotion at work and like a $4 raise. Still will take me like 2 months to afford the bill.
Also, I got 3 new fish today. Two little tiny ones and a gorgeous blue one. I named the blue one Lou, the two little ones are peaches and bartharlomule. They're actually stuie's fish, but reside in my room next to the newt tank.
I'm not sure how i feel about this new year yet. I remember this time last year and how drasticly different things were.
"When you said you loved me, did you really love me? Or did the words just spill out like drool on my pillow. ‘Cause I was naked when you said those words, but I felt covered in your whispered worship. And as you passed out fast on my shoulder, I imagined a child waiting so sad and still for his mom to arrive. Did she leave you an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? Said, “ Don’t you move a muscle, kid, I’ll be back in twenty years,” You were scared, you were lonely, but you must have been aware; life is a series of calluses, this is just another layer. So, build’em up, tough it out, yeah, that’s your skin - don’t let anyone under there.
When you said you needed me, did you really need me? Or was I just someone - oh, you’d take anything. Am I first on that list of yours, or am I second, or third? So, who’s that ahead of me, some harlot from Pittsburgh? Or Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego? I know you’re so alone, but how much affection does one guy really need?
Did you date a lot in high school? Were you always chasing girls? Couldn’t you find some young valentine to steal your heart for good? Were you content, or contemptible? Are your memories pleasant, or is it a string of endless flings of bitter resentment. Seems that what you want and what you need doesn’t mean a thing, we’re just here for the taking.
When you said you’d hurt me, did you think you hurt me? Are you really that cocky? Yeah, what a heartbreaker! Well, I’ve got my armor - yeah, I’ve been through some battles before. And I met your old girlfriend, she said, “Baby, don’t bother.” She told me you told her you’d hurt her. Funny, how familiar. So, how much of this relationship was rehearsed?
Did you act out as a child? Were you always crying wolf? Attention-starved, you tried too hard to get someone to look. Now you’re the wolf in second-hand clothing. I’m the sheep in a pleated skirt. It’s an awkward form of payback, but if it works for you, it works. It’s that I recognize your off-white lies, still, I lie beside you - and that’s what really hurts.
When you said you’d leave me…well, why haven’t you left me? What are we still doing here, so desperate for company? There’s a greyhound on Jackson Street, there’s an airport in Council Bluffs. Hell, there’s a car in the driveway. Fifty ways to get lost.
But as I hold you and listen to you sleeping, I’m starting to wonder if I really believe that you’d ever really leave. Would you leave me, an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? The one you’ve lugged around from town to town for all these years. It’s the trophy of your childhood, like a shark’s tooth or gator skin boots - but this one holds you prisoner - it holds me prisoner, too. What we need to set us free is to let go of each other - let go of everything.
When I said I loved you, it was because I loved you. When I said I needed you, well, I really need you. Yeah, I guess you hurt me, for once you’re a man of your word. Well, guess what - I’m leaving. I can’t be your prisoner.
I won’t."
Her and I are over, I think a little on both our parts. She told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore, then changed her mind? I dunno. I wasn't happy. I tried to fake it the last two months, tried to make it into something i don't think it could ever become. Which sucks, I did/still do love her and care about her immensely. It had nothing to do with him in my eyes. And please don't think it did. The relationship was just stuck in this weird place that wasn't good. I wish we could still talk and it be ok, but it wouldn't be. I'm sure she's going on with her life, partying it up with her friends, wouldn't even be shocked if she was drinking again. Oh well. Hopefully not. Hopefully she sees how awful the drinking is and how detrimental it is to her life and won't go back to it. But i dunno, it's her life.
I am horribly sad over it all. I care about her and really loved some aspects of our relationship. But i really just loathed the bad things. I think this is for the best tho, i don't think she'll agree. I'd be lying if i said i haven't cried over it. I am sad, very much so. And it's not that i'm heartless and cruel. It just needed to happen. Neither of us were growing in the relationship. It wasn't fair to either of us.
Anyway..got my bill from the emergency room. $800. Wow. Barely legal and already in debt. Suppose it's a good thing then that i got my promotion at work and like a $4 raise. Still will take me like 2 months to afford the bill.
Also, I got 3 new fish today. Two little tiny ones and a gorgeous blue one. I named the blue one Lou, the two little ones are peaches and bartharlomule. They're actually stuie's fish, but reside in my room next to the newt tank.
I'm not sure how i feel about this new year yet. I remember this time last year and how drasticly different things were.
"When you said you loved me, did you really love me? Or did the words just spill out like drool on my pillow. ‘Cause I was naked when you said those words, but I felt covered in your whispered worship. And as you passed out fast on my shoulder, I imagined a child waiting so sad and still for his mom to arrive. Did she leave you an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? Said, “ Don’t you move a muscle, kid, I’ll be back in twenty years,” You were scared, you were lonely, but you must have been aware; life is a series of calluses, this is just another layer. So, build’em up, tough it out, yeah, that’s your skin - don’t let anyone under there.
When you said you needed me, did you really need me? Or was I just someone - oh, you’d take anything. Am I first on that list of yours, or am I second, or third? So, who’s that ahead of me, some harlot from Pittsburgh? Or Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego? I know you’re so alone, but how much affection does one guy really need?
Did you date a lot in high school? Were you always chasing girls? Couldn’t you find some young valentine to steal your heart for good? Were you content, or contemptible? Are your memories pleasant, or is it a string of endless flings of bitter resentment. Seems that what you want and what you need doesn’t mean a thing, we’re just here for the taking.
When you said you’d hurt me, did you think you hurt me? Are you really that cocky? Yeah, what a heartbreaker! Well, I’ve got my armor - yeah, I’ve been through some battles before. And I met your old girlfriend, she said, “Baby, don’t bother.” She told me you told her you’d hurt her. Funny, how familiar. So, how much of this relationship was rehearsed?
Did you act out as a child? Were you always crying wolf? Attention-starved, you tried too hard to get someone to look. Now you’re the wolf in second-hand clothing. I’m the sheep in a pleated skirt. It’s an awkward form of payback, but if it works for you, it works. It’s that I recognize your off-white lies, still, I lie beside you - and that’s what really hurts.
When you said you’d leave me…well, why haven’t you left me? What are we still doing here, so desperate for company? There’s a greyhound on Jackson Street, there’s an airport in Council Bluffs. Hell, there’s a car in the driveway. Fifty ways to get lost.
But as I hold you and listen to you sleeping, I’m starting to wonder if I really believe that you’d ever really leave. Would you leave me, an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? The one you’ve lugged around from town to town for all these years. It’s the trophy of your childhood, like a shark’s tooth or gator skin boots - but this one holds you prisoner - it holds me prisoner, too. What we need to set us free is to let go of each other - let go of everything.
When I said I loved you, it was because I loved you. When I said I needed you, well, I really need you. Yeah, I guess you hurt me, for once you’re a man of your word. Well, guess what - I’m leaving. I can’t be your prisoner.
I won’t."