let me go and i will want you more
that definitely applies to me. because i had to let him go and i definitely want him more.
i've never been through a fucking break up like this. because i've never really liked the person i'm dating like i like him. this is my first serious boyfriend and it all just comes crashing the fuck down.
he's also probably the busiest guy in the world and he told me this before we even started dating and told me how stressed he can be and how he barely wants to even move when he gets home. i didn't think it would be that much of a problem until he didn't call me for a week
then i was pmsing and texted him asking what the fuck is problem was
and then it was time for "the talk"
i knew it was time for the talk and even though when i asked him if he was going to break up with me and he said 'what would make you think that' i knew he wasn't giving me a straight answer for a reason.
but i went anyway and i knew i knew i KNEW it wasn't a good sign when he called jake first and jake kept saying "what's wrong buddy? are you sure? seriously man what's wrong"
so when we did have our "talk"
i can't say i was surprised. and i know it wasn't for no reason. he has good reasons.
wrestling every day of the week except sundays when he has to work 9 hours.
on top of school work in harder classes and boy scouts
i know that he feels drained and just can't be in a relationship
but we could pick things up after wrestling is over??
i don't want to seem clingy but i do want to pick things up i didn't even want to drop things in the first place.
so after "the talk" we went back downstairs and chilled with ryan, his skank, donald, jake, and jamie then mickey and camila
and everyone pretty much thought we were still dating
we're just so used to like cuddling and playing with eachothers hands. i knew that we weren't a couple anymore but i didn't want to stop
and then he tried to convince me to go to ihop and he'd only go if i went too
so i decided to go and i decided to sit next to him and we held hands liiike half the time and i really just wanted to be with him but the whole time jill would like look at me and look at our hands and i tried to stop and be like yeah, he's not my boyfriend anymore we should stop acting like we're going out.
butttt i couldn't. and when i tried it made everything so awkward so ihop was pretty much awkward as hell. and even the car ride back to jake's was like, not so fun since we didn't talk at all. and i knew he wasn't feeling well and i wasn't either.
then back at jake's i thought i would burst into tears and i didn't want to look at patrick and camila kept giving me apologetic glances. and i guess patrick knew how sad i was feeling and he gave me the look that only he can give me to make me feel better no matter what and i smiled. and even just thinking about that look makes me smile.
then he had to leave and i decided i didn't really need to be there anymore without him either so i left too. and we kissed before he left and aaaaaghhhhhhh
i knowwww i shouldn't have like done stuff with him and kiss him and hold his hand but i like this bitch. and he likes me back. and the only reason we aren't going out is because he's stupid. and i don't want to like, put all the blame on him except...it is all him. and i'm not the one that wanted it to end and it really hasn't even ended
because i called him last night and we were talking and we still have like unfinished business and i still want him but i'm not sure how to get him back and i told him that even though we weren't dating anymore i'm not really going to do stuff with anyone else and i wondered if he like, wanted to. and he didn't give me a straight answer because he's a jerk and he's a guy but he's not THAT MUCH of a guy so really he should be able to.
like i'm seriously okay with having a relationship with him that's sort of i guess, not too serious. i don't want him to feel pressured or anything i want to just be with him and be a friend too. i don'ttt knowwww.
i haven't cried though.
i don't think i will.
but like, just being with him and looking at him and seeing him with his friends made me realize how much i really really like him. we have these things we do when we're together that's just between us and i love it and i just want him.
i'm not even sure how to like, move forward from this though. i don't know exactly what to do. he's calling me tonight and we're probably gonna hang out next weekend but i really don't know what we're going to do. i just need to find out how he really feels and i can start from there.
but last night was horrible. probably the most horrible night of my life other than like, nights when i'm sick. maybe i am sick though.
i couldn't really get to sleep and when i did sleep i had dreams of my thoughts that made me feel like i was awake and thinking really hard and then when i woke up it was the same thing and i probably didn't really get any sleep at all and i was just so stressed i need to take a sleeping PILL or somthing maybe i'll feel better.
yeah i don't know how to tell him how i feel without seeming entirely clingy and stupid and young.
i just feel really numb right now. i don't know. and i have the party tonight, i don't want to be a joykill for anyone. but i think it would be better for me to go out.
i've never been through a fucking break up like this. because i've never really liked the person i'm dating like i like him. this is my first serious boyfriend and it all just comes crashing the fuck down.
he's also probably the busiest guy in the world and he told me this before we even started dating and told me how stressed he can be and how he barely wants to even move when he gets home. i didn't think it would be that much of a problem until he didn't call me for a week
then i was pmsing and texted him asking what the fuck is problem was
and then it was time for "the talk"
i knew it was time for the talk and even though when i asked him if he was going to break up with me and he said 'what would make you think that' i knew he wasn't giving me a straight answer for a reason.
but i went anyway and i knew i knew i KNEW it wasn't a good sign when he called jake first and jake kept saying "what's wrong buddy? are you sure? seriously man what's wrong"
so when we did have our "talk"
i can't say i was surprised. and i know it wasn't for no reason. he has good reasons.
wrestling every day of the week except sundays when he has to work 9 hours.
on top of school work in harder classes and boy scouts
i know that he feels drained and just can't be in a relationship
but we could pick things up after wrestling is over??
i don't want to seem clingy but i do want to pick things up i didn't even want to drop things in the first place.
so after "the talk" we went back downstairs and chilled with ryan, his skank, donald, jake, and jamie then mickey and camila
and everyone pretty much thought we were still dating
we're just so used to like cuddling and playing with eachothers hands. i knew that we weren't a couple anymore but i didn't want to stop
and then he tried to convince me to go to ihop and he'd only go if i went too
so i decided to go and i decided to sit next to him and we held hands liiike half the time and i really just wanted to be with him but the whole time jill would like look at me and look at our hands and i tried to stop and be like yeah, he's not my boyfriend anymore we should stop acting like we're going out.
butttt i couldn't. and when i tried it made everything so awkward so ihop was pretty much awkward as hell. and even the car ride back to jake's was like, not so fun since we didn't talk at all. and i knew he wasn't feeling well and i wasn't either.
then back at jake's i thought i would burst into tears and i didn't want to look at patrick and camila kept giving me apologetic glances. and i guess patrick knew how sad i was feeling and he gave me the look that only he can give me to make me feel better no matter what and i smiled. and even just thinking about that look makes me smile.
then he had to leave and i decided i didn't really need to be there anymore without him either so i left too. and we kissed before he left and aaaaaghhhhhhh
i knowwww i shouldn't have like done stuff with him and kiss him and hold his hand but i like this bitch. and he likes me back. and the only reason we aren't going out is because he's stupid. and i don't want to like, put all the blame on him except...it is all him. and i'm not the one that wanted it to end and it really hasn't even ended
because i called him last night and we were talking and we still have like unfinished business and i still want him but i'm not sure how to get him back and i told him that even though we weren't dating anymore i'm not really going to do stuff with anyone else and i wondered if he like, wanted to. and he didn't give me a straight answer because he's a jerk and he's a guy but he's not THAT MUCH of a guy so really he should be able to.
like i'm seriously okay with having a relationship with him that's sort of i guess, not too serious. i don't want him to feel pressured or anything i want to just be with him and be a friend too. i don'ttt knowwww.
i haven't cried though.
i don't think i will.
but like, just being with him and looking at him and seeing him with his friends made me realize how much i really really like him. we have these things we do when we're together that's just between us and i love it and i just want him.
i'm not even sure how to like, move forward from this though. i don't know exactly what to do. he's calling me tonight and we're probably gonna hang out next weekend but i really don't know what we're going to do. i just need to find out how he really feels and i can start from there.
but last night was horrible. probably the most horrible night of my life other than like, nights when i'm sick. maybe i am sick though.
i couldn't really get to sleep and when i did sleep i had dreams of my thoughts that made me feel like i was awake and thinking really hard and then when i woke up it was the same thing and i probably didn't really get any sleep at all and i was just so stressed i need to take a sleeping PILL or somthing maybe i'll feel better.
yeah i don't know how to tell him how i feel without seeming entirely clingy and stupid and young.
i just feel really numb right now. i don't know. and i have the party tonight, i don't want to be a joykill for anyone. but i think it would be better for me to go out.