(no subject)
I'm reminded of it
when my eyelashes fall out
a shatter movie playing backwards
a pool table in the blue room, cigars and all
old men, their canes glued to their palms and they smile for pictures
but between the furrows they hurt like nobody will until they feel it go.
"I'm all alone
is there a ghost
in my house?"
I've been talking to people about love lately. What certain phrases mean and how it should be applied. I've never thought I was good, but I have a lot of logical, meaningful answers for questions. I like feeling like I understand but still being able to say "I don't know."
Why is "showing off" negative? "Oh stop showing off." And all of the hard work, the effort, the accomplishment feels dirty like blood money and everyone thinks so. Without those words people could appreciate a physical feat or a perfect selection or a tactile word. I remember watching someone backflip off of a swing and I wanted to go hug him and make him teach me how and I heard someone yell "show off" like he was a prostitute showing off for dirty pleasure. Maybe he just enjoys the idea of flight and vertigo, maybe he was scared of heights and this is his conquering moment, would you rob him of his joy? I felt terrible, like I shouldn't want to learn from him, dirty myself for just thinking it.
Don't steal because you can't do it. Enjoy what people enjoy. Rejoice in truth, in accomplishment. Even if the intent is to be praised, they worked hard at something and now they did it, it's deserving of praise. I know some perform to ascend in social rank, some to just push others down or make them feel pushed down anyways. That's terrible and I think people assume everyone is just as terrible and therefore "showing off."
It's not a negative thing to want to show people what you've done, it's inspiring... if you're mature enough to let yourself be taught.
I thought about what things would make me want to stop.
IF
we didn't talk, really talk.
there were no down moments. Because there are, and we'd be lying.
you asked for dishonesty.
you didn't want God any more.
I didn't restrict myself to what's best.
Mmh. I want to tell all my stories with my lips on your skin.
Boundaries.
We're islands, see? Building bridges like sewing on buttons. We make knots sometimes that I can't pull the needle through, things that aren't inherently "bad" they're just not best for me. Some of this is my-sided, some is purely deistical. I love you, I want to love you forever, these are some things that will help me do that.
I'm glad we're still gaping after all of these years. I feel like that was the last of it. Like we don't have to go back there anymore. Thank you for listening and talking and being honest and feeling. Baby Buda!
Morning. Eyes. Open.
Remember. Remember. She. Samantha!
Buildings. Vines. Stained. Glass. Who.
Took. Her. Scream. Realize. Fear.
Jail. Mugshot. Pick. Which. One.
Her? Who. Is. She.
I. Can't. Remember. Her. Face.
Guesses. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Penalties. Dreadful. Penalties.
Fitted. Nooses. Tied. For. Them. By. Me.
Accidental. Accidental.
One. Platform. Eulogy. Forgives. Eyes. Fire.
Blur. Blur. Blur. Morning. Eyes. Open.
Where. What? No. Memory. No. Dreams.
I. Forget. When. I. Do. Wrong.
I've been having good dreams. I can feel it when I wake up.
Memory? None. My body rejects memories of good dreams?
Maybe it found a way to block them out so I can pretend I have good.
I had good... mrrh... no, I never had good.
Resilience. I have resilience now.
Tomorrow is the first month since Feb. 15th. But even then it wasn't like this.
I wasn't free, I was just strong. I still have to be strong, but it doesn't hold me in it's claws like it used to. I feel like Unearth.
I want to play it back, just how it is. You would understand. Oh you would understand. I should have taken you home before then, I was going to.
RAGING RAGING RAGING
They always are.
I just taste it more sometimes.
I might crack and shatter.
I might be scraping away.
I might bleed out.
But I will march.
I.
Will.
Be.
Free.
when my eyelashes fall out
a shatter movie playing backwards
a pool table in the blue room, cigars and all
old men, their canes glued to their palms and they smile for pictures
but between the furrows they hurt like nobody will until they feel it go.
"I'm all alone
is there a ghost
in my house?"
I've been talking to people about love lately. What certain phrases mean and how it should be applied. I've never thought I was good, but I have a lot of logical, meaningful answers for questions. I like feeling like I understand but still being able to say "I don't know."
Why is "showing off" negative? "Oh stop showing off." And all of the hard work, the effort, the accomplishment feels dirty like blood money and everyone thinks so. Without those words people could appreciate a physical feat or a perfect selection or a tactile word. I remember watching someone backflip off of a swing and I wanted to go hug him and make him teach me how and I heard someone yell "show off" like he was a prostitute showing off for dirty pleasure. Maybe he just enjoys the idea of flight and vertigo, maybe he was scared of heights and this is his conquering moment, would you rob him of his joy? I felt terrible, like I shouldn't want to learn from him, dirty myself for just thinking it.
Don't steal because you can't do it. Enjoy what people enjoy. Rejoice in truth, in accomplishment. Even if the intent is to be praised, they worked hard at something and now they did it, it's deserving of praise. I know some perform to ascend in social rank, some to just push others down or make them feel pushed down anyways. That's terrible and I think people assume everyone is just as terrible and therefore "showing off."
It's not a negative thing to want to show people what you've done, it's inspiring... if you're mature enough to let yourself be taught.
I thought about what things would make me want to stop.
IF
we didn't talk, really talk.
there were no down moments. Because there are, and we'd be lying.
you asked for dishonesty.
you didn't want God any more.
I didn't restrict myself to what's best.
Mmh. I want to tell all my stories with my lips on your skin.
Boundaries.
We're islands, see? Building bridges like sewing on buttons. We make knots sometimes that I can't pull the needle through, things that aren't inherently "bad" they're just not best for me. Some of this is my-sided, some is purely deistical. I love you, I want to love you forever, these are some things that will help me do that.
I'm glad we're still gaping after all of these years. I feel like that was the last of it. Like we don't have to go back there anymore. Thank you for listening and talking and being honest and feeling. Baby Buda!
Morning. Eyes. Open.
Remember. Remember. She. Samantha!
Buildings. Vines. Stained. Glass. Who.
Took. Her. Scream. Realize. Fear.
Jail. Mugshot. Pick. Which. One.
Her? Who. Is. She.
I. Can't. Remember. Her. Face.
Guesses. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Penalties. Dreadful. Penalties.
Fitted. Nooses. Tied. For. Them. By. Me.
Accidental. Accidental.
One. Platform. Eulogy. Forgives. Eyes. Fire.
Blur. Blur. Blur. Morning. Eyes. Open.
Where. What? No. Memory. No. Dreams.
I. Forget. When. I. Do. Wrong.
I've been having good dreams. I can feel it when I wake up.
Memory? None. My body rejects memories of good dreams?
Maybe it found a way to block them out so I can pretend I have good.
I had good... mrrh... no, I never had good.
Resilience. I have resilience now.
Tomorrow is the first month since Feb. 15th. But even then it wasn't like this.
I wasn't free, I was just strong. I still have to be strong, but it doesn't hold me in it's claws like it used to. I feel like Unearth.
I want to play it back, just how it is. You would understand. Oh you would understand. I should have taken you home before then, I was going to.
RAGING RAGING RAGING
They always are.
I just taste it more sometimes.
I might crack and shatter.
I might be scraping away.
I might bleed out.
But I will march.
I.
Will.
Be.
Free.