A few days of dying, A few days of living.
[
Working in a different office
Jewel wasn't Jewel, not at all.
I saw Hillary and she was finally through being someone else
I was jumping over desks trying to find upstairs
And then I was driving in the car
We bailed on a corner and skid on our knees for a long time, the road was slick and soaped
the old gentleman was scared for us
When he saw we did it on purpose he got mad
I apologized.
]
[
The lady made us play weird games.
What happened in that house?
She kept telling us to sit on the couch upside down while she stood in the hallway.
Eight guys sit around with Meth
I tried it, Alex said it would be fine,
This girl ate them like beads
she choked, and choked, and everyone was too far gone to help
so she sniffed the rest through a straw, signaling the finality of her significance.
I didn't trip. Alert and clear-minded.
But I just watched.
]
[
Alex and I light it on fire in a cave
the beetles come out and form into men with glowing swords, but I can feel myself with a controller
we kill them and the floor is a volcano and erupts and I have to hit the coals or I get burned and die.
Alex ventures onto the ash, the man with a blue face keeps trying to steal my soul, but raining arrows takes it away. My lightsaber only works if I swing it, or I'm cheating.
--
Cops tried to arrest for drinking but we were sitting in the car. He put his arm in the car and I told him he couldn't take us in then, and he knew it.
Other car drives up and lady jumps in the drivers seat and drives me away, We're going 80 now and I know she's conning us so I unbuckle her seat belt and push her out. - I knew I had killed before. Many times. I told Nica I had never killed someone and I knew I was a liar. -
I'm being followed by the car.
I get stopped in a car under the bridge and I nick the car in front.
"girl" gets out and checks but says it's fine. I hug almost everyone because I know them all. Two were dirty and I gave a distanced hug and the other one I hugged full and through. It made me think I might love the other one less. Maybe I didn't think she needed it as much. But the boy goes in a room with the "girl" and we find out the "girl" is a post-op boy, but the boy knew. There was grass everywhere for some reason. Then the boy left and post-opBoy walked around naked and he seemed comfortable. I'm not sure why or how, but I noticed.
--
Everyone brought their own things. Skateboard roller blades. We had to get the most points but the old men kept changing the rules. The fire pit was filled with paper, old e-mails in Arabic and English printed and discarded. My face was shaved and I worried Rose would hate me for it because she had just said she loved it.
]
Embroidered borders with fickle friends for edges, cast them out cast them out
I made a bridge with my heart that I'll blow when you're halfway across.
Tell me where my ship went down.
Sophia said:
"I saw [God] through my
grandmother's eyes. When she died."
Husband said:
"You're a mad scientists experiment."
Musical deja-vu
clocks
hands
looking to smear and burst my canvas skin
if it were really me it'd be ticking ever so softly
tickling ever so softly
those strings are off limits
my mind aware of my hearts intent
silence
worms
I let them fall into my cracks because they're dirty
because they're dirty
but they'll clean, clean me out
I'll break them in two, and two will spring up besides
where can I hide? Where can I hide?
Worms
Uncertainty
"It's nothing to lose sleep over," well... I did. A lot. Welcome to the power I gave, either an enchantress or a demon, choices, choices.
Sneak up from behind me again will you? My sunshine cape uncertainly surprised me. Fly on my back more often.
Somehow I knew forgetfulness was knocking to start scraping her walls, to steal away my paintings. Secrets are slippery slopes.
Did you see me flinch? I didn't.
Even if there was hell to pay.
Strong. That's what I am. Deep down. Drop a stone, you wouldn't hear it for a hundred years.
Joshua:
"I'm so proud of Jessica, she's gonna be 19."
"I didn't have nightmares this week because I know you're right next to me."
"You could be a model."
"Have you ever wore a shirt to bed?"
"If a 7 year old boy took down a guy that stole from an old lady, would I be on a magazine or on TV?"
There's more of it in there. Closer. I should feel closer. But every night I feel further away.
"Touch me or don't, just let me know, where you've been."
But they left because there's no power in revelation, only in secrecy. I'll wear you every day.
Please. Can I wear you every day? I'll let you wear me, if you are so inclined.
drink it down drink it down
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
Can I ever say thank you enough? I'm sanctfied. I am.
Creep in, seep under the crack in my door like morning and monsters and mail. Snuggle up and unfold on the little one we sat in. That's my recurring dream, but I'm always watching myself like a ghost, I want it to be me next time, so bad.
Oh my heart is
as black as
my eyes
You’re letting
Go of me
For longer
Than before
Oh I’m so dry dry dry
Maybe I don’t feel like telling you everything
Maybe I don’t feel like being honest
Maybe I don’t feel like giving in, being vulnerable, breaking
‘Cause that means I trust you
I don’t ever remember choosing to trust you.
It’s not that I’m dry
I’m just saying yes more than you
I’ll burn my house down
To see you walk in this light
I’d let you come and die
You can see where I’ve burned down
I’ll pass it down
I’ll pass it down
When I feel like reconstructing ashes
But until then I’ll just say that I’ve been older for much longer than it seems
I’ll forget what I’ve tried so hard to remember
And it’ll “die the true death of forgetfulness”
Down the way I’ll see your face and
Maybe I gave it away to too
Maybe never at all
Find it somewhere on the way
But I’ll hold myself at the end
Because you can’t hate what you’ve forgotten.
hammock
I said I'd sleep if you didn't mind the screaming
So I laid for a long time and waited and remembered
But I jolted and sat by the tree. You're supposed to sleep heavier.
I had a storm inside me and it scared you.
I never wanted to trust again.
But I did, it just took a lot more of me.
Somehow I know I'm like Joshua. They won't find me if you're close enough.
I'm sleepwalking.
[
I walked on and made it to the last question. And they walked out when he asked about them. I was terrified and furious. I kept shaking him and yelling WHO TOLD YOU?! WHO TOLD YOU?! and I shrunk in the corner because he had the look, and I knew no-one else could see them, so I huddled in the corner until they took me. I'll buy my time, buy it gladly.
But after the banquet you walked out and I saw you move and felt it deep inside, so I ran out after you and silently flew into one of them. They were ready to get you and I wasn’t going to let that happen. After cuts and bruises I stood panting and you looked very afraid. You had the same look as he did. I knew you couldn’t see them. Maybe I’m not protecting anyone.
]
I think you hate some of the things I do. But you'll realize eventually that they're integral parts of being closer. I've been realizing I usually preach to myself when I preach to others. But I'm getting put back together better than ever. Ah, your hands are so soft and warm, but mostly just your ring finger. Sit closer.
Crusade! Crusade!
Holiness in hand and hatred in heart
That's the way the good Lord meant
"Love your neighbor"
Bang up job boys.
Horses, rhinos, business
attack, break, break away
playmate, blindmate, kickmate, hallmate
storm windows, couches, dad
mom, Malinda, keep your pants up
I can read, you can sequin, h-e-b, gay apples, point out my flaws.
Plans, secrets, sneak away
distress, time?, resolve, resolve, resolve, resolve, resolve, complete.
We are both in the same spot. Sometimes even when we're not, we are.
I really do try and fuse. That's why it's so tight.
At least I have someone to sleepwalk with.
I want you to have furniture that you like. Make a big one, get comfortable. Get comfortable.
[
Late late
driveway tears and delicacy
You say you want it all
I know you don't want this
You’re just upset.
You accept and we sleep.
But next time you ripped them off
and I can look at your eyes
I know you wrote it all down
all over.
It wasn't dirty,
it was infinitely transparent,
and the words were horrific,
but you had to show me.
I can't help it this time
I break apart to try to find you
but it's so shattered
I'll find a way
And we wash it and clean it off, together,
and you found it in yourself to embrace them and cry
I had been for hours.
The most intentionally pure love comes in vulnerability.
This was yours.
But we dried you off and dried me off and there we laid for days, content that we both knew.
]
I can't promise I'll always love you romantically.
I don't know what God has for me.
I can promise I'll love you forever.
In the truest sense of the word.
I.
Won't.
Ever.
Forget.
Your arms are like rehab for my addicted soul.
Working in a different office
Jewel wasn't Jewel, not at all.
I saw Hillary and she was finally through being someone else
I was jumping over desks trying to find upstairs
And then I was driving in the car
We bailed on a corner and skid on our knees for a long time, the road was slick and soaped
the old gentleman was scared for us
When he saw we did it on purpose he got mad
I apologized.
]
[
The lady made us play weird games.
What happened in that house?
She kept telling us to sit on the couch upside down while she stood in the hallway.
Eight guys sit around with Meth
I tried it, Alex said it would be fine,
This girl ate them like beads
she choked, and choked, and everyone was too far gone to help
so she sniffed the rest through a straw, signaling the finality of her significance.
I didn't trip. Alert and clear-minded.
But I just watched.
]
[
Alex and I light it on fire in a cave
the beetles come out and form into men with glowing swords, but I can feel myself with a controller
we kill them and the floor is a volcano and erupts and I have to hit the coals or I get burned and die.
Alex ventures onto the ash, the man with a blue face keeps trying to steal my soul, but raining arrows takes it away. My lightsaber only works if I swing it, or I'm cheating.
--
Cops tried to arrest for drinking but we were sitting in the car. He put his arm in the car and I told him he couldn't take us in then, and he knew it.
Other car drives up and lady jumps in the drivers seat and drives me away, We're going 80 now and I know she's conning us so I unbuckle her seat belt and push her out. - I knew I had killed before. Many times. I told Nica I had never killed someone and I knew I was a liar. -
I'm being followed by the car.
I get stopped in a car under the bridge and I nick the car in front.
"girl" gets out and checks but says it's fine. I hug almost everyone because I know them all. Two were dirty and I gave a distanced hug and the other one I hugged full and through. It made me think I might love the other one less. Maybe I didn't think she needed it as much. But the boy goes in a room with the "girl" and we find out the "girl" is a post-op boy, but the boy knew. There was grass everywhere for some reason. Then the boy left and post-opBoy walked around naked and he seemed comfortable. I'm not sure why or how, but I noticed.
--
Everyone brought their own things. Skateboard roller blades. We had to get the most points but the old men kept changing the rules. The fire pit was filled with paper, old e-mails in Arabic and English printed and discarded. My face was shaved and I worried Rose would hate me for it because she had just said she loved it.
]
Embroidered borders with fickle friends for edges, cast them out cast them out
I made a bridge with my heart that I'll blow when you're halfway across.
Tell me where my ship went down.
Sophia said:
"I saw [God] through my
grandmother's eyes. When she died."
Husband said:
"You're a mad scientists experiment."
Musical deja-vu
clocks
hands
looking to smear and burst my canvas skin
if it were really me it'd be ticking ever so softly
tickling ever so softly
those strings are off limits
my mind aware of my hearts intent
silence
worms
I let them fall into my cracks because they're dirty
because they're dirty
but they'll clean, clean me out
I'll break them in two, and two will spring up besides
where can I hide? Where can I hide?
Worms
Uncertainty
"It's nothing to lose sleep over," well... I did. A lot. Welcome to the power I gave, either an enchantress or a demon, choices, choices.
Sneak up from behind me again will you? My sunshine cape uncertainly surprised me. Fly on my back more often.
Somehow I knew forgetfulness was knocking to start scraping her walls, to steal away my paintings. Secrets are slippery slopes.
Did you see me flinch? I didn't.
Even if there was hell to pay.
Strong. That's what I am. Deep down. Drop a stone, you wouldn't hear it for a hundred years.
Joshua:
"I'm so proud of Jessica, she's gonna be 19."
"I didn't have nightmares this week because I know you're right next to me."
"You could be a model."
"Have you ever wore a shirt to bed?"
"If a 7 year old boy took down a guy that stole from an old lady, would I be on a magazine or on TV?"
There's more of it in there. Closer. I should feel closer. But every night I feel further away.
"Touch me or don't, just let me know, where you've been."
But they left because there's no power in revelation, only in secrecy. I'll wear you every day.
Please. Can I wear you every day? I'll let you wear me, if you are so inclined.
drink it down drink it down
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
ache and ache and ache
ache and ache and ache.
Can I ever say thank you enough? I'm sanctfied. I am.
Creep in, seep under the crack in my door like morning and monsters and mail. Snuggle up and unfold on the little one we sat in. That's my recurring dream, but I'm always watching myself like a ghost, I want it to be me next time, so bad.
Oh my heart is
as black as
my eyes
You’re letting
Go of me
For longer
Than before
Oh I’m so dry dry dry
Maybe I don’t feel like telling you everything
Maybe I don’t feel like being honest
Maybe I don’t feel like giving in, being vulnerable, breaking
‘Cause that means I trust you
I don’t ever remember choosing to trust you.
It’s not that I’m dry
I’m just saying yes more than you
I’ll burn my house down
To see you walk in this light
I’d let you come and die
You can see where I’ve burned down
I’ll pass it down
I’ll pass it down
When I feel like reconstructing ashes
But until then I’ll just say that I’ve been older for much longer than it seems
I’ll forget what I’ve tried so hard to remember
And it’ll “die the true death of forgetfulness”
Down the way I’ll see your face and
Maybe I gave it away to too
Maybe never at all
Find it somewhere on the way
But I’ll hold myself at the end
Because you can’t hate what you’ve forgotten.
hammock
I said I'd sleep if you didn't mind the screaming
So I laid for a long time and waited and remembered
But I jolted and sat by the tree. You're supposed to sleep heavier.
I had a storm inside me and it scared you.
I never wanted to trust again.
But I did, it just took a lot more of me.
Somehow I know I'm like Joshua. They won't find me if you're close enough.
I'm sleepwalking.
[
I walked on and made it to the last question. And they walked out when he asked about them. I was terrified and furious. I kept shaking him and yelling WHO TOLD YOU?! WHO TOLD YOU?! and I shrunk in the corner because he had the look, and I knew no-one else could see them, so I huddled in the corner until they took me. I'll buy my time, buy it gladly.
But after the banquet you walked out and I saw you move and felt it deep inside, so I ran out after you and silently flew into one of them. They were ready to get you and I wasn’t going to let that happen. After cuts and bruises I stood panting and you looked very afraid. You had the same look as he did. I knew you couldn’t see them. Maybe I’m not protecting anyone.
]
I think you hate some of the things I do. But you'll realize eventually that they're integral parts of being closer. I've been realizing I usually preach to myself when I preach to others. But I'm getting put back together better than ever. Ah, your hands are so soft and warm, but mostly just your ring finger. Sit closer.
Crusade! Crusade!
Holiness in hand and hatred in heart
That's the way the good Lord meant
"Love your neighbor"
Bang up job boys.
Horses, rhinos, business
attack, break, break away
playmate, blindmate, kickmate, hallmate
storm windows, couches, dad
mom, Malinda, keep your pants up
I can read, you can sequin, h-e-b, gay apples, point out my flaws.
Plans, secrets, sneak away
distress, time?, resolve, resolve, resolve, resolve, resolve, complete.
We are both in the same spot. Sometimes even when we're not, we are.
I really do try and fuse. That's why it's so tight.
At least I have someone to sleepwalk with.
I want you to have furniture that you like. Make a big one, get comfortable. Get comfortable.
[
Late late
driveway tears and delicacy
You say you want it all
I know you don't want this
You’re just upset.
You accept and we sleep.
But next time you ripped them off
and I can look at your eyes
I know you wrote it all down
all over.
It wasn't dirty,
it was infinitely transparent,
and the words were horrific,
but you had to show me.
I can't help it this time
I break apart to try to find you
but it's so shattered
I'll find a way
And we wash it and clean it off, together,
and you found it in yourself to embrace them and cry
I had been for hours.
The most intentionally pure love comes in vulnerability.
This was yours.
But we dried you off and dried me off and there we laid for days, content that we both knew.
]
I can't promise I'll always love you romantically.
I don't know what God has for me.
I can promise I'll love you forever.
In the truest sense of the word.
I.
Won't.
Ever.
Forget.
Your arms are like rehab for my addicted soul.