I shot down a really sweet guy today and I feel really stupid =(
I went to the computer lab between my classes to print out some stuff and this guy approached me. He said he was in my Social Psych class. I didn't recognize him, but that class is the biggest one I have, so you know I'm not going to recognize everyone. We(his name is Josh)just started talking about the test and the air conditioner being broken and whatnot. Then he started doing those things guys do right before they want to ask you to do something with them like rubbing thier forehead/face and looking around and talking softer and whatnot. At least they do that around me...I don't know about anybody else...haha. He then proceeded to ask me if I might want to study with him for the next test which is in like 2 weeks and go get coffee and maybe dinner or something. It was pretty obvious he wasn't trying to find a date just for studying, but at least all I had to say was, "I study better by myself. I'm sorry." And then I excused myself to go to class.
I felt really stupid and kind of regretted saying no. I mean I suppose it's not too late to go back and say, "ok" but I know I won't. I never do. :-/ I know that I don't date people for the pure fact of not wanting to feel any more sadness and rejection, but maybe I'm just making myself more miserable by shutting them out. I mean I haven't actually DATED someone since I was 15 and that was all kinds of badness. All the guys since then have just been...I don't know. Not real? They have all been relationships where you know I'm not really sure if you could even call it a relationship...and then they explode in my face. *shakes head* haha. Do other teenagers have this problem or am I alone on this one?! It just seems that almost all the friends I have had actually had a good meaningful relationship that lasted and I'm like the only one that hasn't. It must be me. haha.
With the amount of time I've had on my hands, I've thought a lot about my future with graduation impending possibly within the next year. (SCARY!) But anyways, when I was in the Atlanta airport on the way back from Pennsylvania I saw this couple that looked pretty young and looked just like what I would envision me and Nate looking like. haha. I know that's weird...he did kind of look like Nate..with an arm tattoo and whatnot. ANYWAYS, they had these two little kids(I'm guessing they were twins) and it was all just really cute and for the first time I think in my whole life I thought about wanting a family. I mean of course not right now, but I mean I wonder what a little me would look like? haha. I mean granted I think the whole idea of marriage is still shakey, but if I could just find that guy...*sigh* And with my cousin getting married...I mean she's 35 and she's always wanted a family and whatnot and now she found a really nice guy and she just looks so happy. This whole paragraph is just me being weird. But I guess I'll never get married if I keep shooting people down, huh? haha. I'm pathetic!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
And for the first time I thought about my most recent guy failure and didn't get sad about it or wish it hadn't turned out this way. I guess that means I'm close to shutting the book on yet another one. I don't know why it took me so long to get over this one. Probably because we were friends before everything and I was afraid I was losing his friendship too. But I know I'm not. Our friendship doesn't feel that strong, but I know it's still there in some small form. I mean I wanted him to tell me that he'd never want a relationship from me, but he wouldn't say that and it kind of pissed me off, but I decided to just shut the book on an idea of ever having a relationship anyways because I don't deserve to be kept in limbo with my feelings. So I've been working on getting rid of the more than friendly ones and I think they are almost gone. Is it sad that I have an entire process on how to bury my feelings about guys and beat them to death with a sledgehammer? :-P haha. I just don't want to wonder anymore. I get driven to the point where I'm so tired of wondering what is going to happen that I finally just have to make nothing happen. I guess I feel like I'm closer to the ground than I'll ever get to him, so I've given up, even though I think he's one of the more decent ones that has crossed my path. *sigh* Oh well. *shuts book*
I've studied my health psych so much today that I don't remember any of it. I have a test tomorrow night. I'm scared. And then I have my midterm for my changing your fucking health behaviors class on Thursday which will probably own my ass because I won't study for it because I hate that class THAT much.
I finally figured out that you can register for classes on November 15th. I asked almost everyone I talk to and NO ONE knew. They are all like, "oh..sometime in November..." That's not good enough for me! haha. I like SPECIFIC days. I have to go see an advisor because now that my ass is for sure staying here until I graduate I should probably speak with someone.
Yeah. That's right. I'll be in good ole P-cola until at least NEXT December(as in a year from now) if not until the Spring of 06. Moving to another place isn't going to make me happy. My happiness is only what I make of it. I know I can be happy and have a very social and fun life here, but I choose not to for some reason or another. That and I can't seem to find people that share very many similar interests as me, but I mean I don't look that hard. haha.
So anyways, this means I don't get a break from school until I graduate. I'll have to work and go to school over the summer...AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. *sigh* Last summer wore me so thin. I had about 3 nervous breakdowns including cutting my foot open from kicking glass. I hated being so busy and never seeming to have time for anybody and the times I did spend with people usually meant I got no sleep for a night to go out with someone or get up early to go out with people shopping and such. That just really shuts a person down. Then of course I ended up going to the hospital at the end of the summer because of everything and finding out I only weighed 114 pounds which is really fucking scary for someone my height. I mean I didn't even see it, except that my shorts for work got way loose and I had to pull my belt really tight so they didn't fall off. HAHA.
Why am I talking about last summer?! haha. Anyways, BACK TO SCHOOL. I'll have to go next summer, but at least I won't have to live in Pensacola to go to school. I'll just have to drive my ass to Ft. Walton all the time(and we all know how much fun that is, right Steph?) But at least I'll be home.
And next year I'll be living ON campus surrounded by people MY AGE and I won't have to drive to school everyday which I have really REALLY started to hate. I have to go talk to the housing people soon to see exactly when I need to be doing all that shit because I guess everyone but me pretty much has priority over me or something. At least that's what I think people have been telling me. haha. I'm so confused.
I've also decided to attempt to take every psych class they offer in this school. It will be much more than what is required for my major, but I still have to go to graduate school and I want to be prepared so my ass won't be killed too badly
So yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying. I need to just grow up and deal with what cards I've dealt myself. I know this semester has just been particularly wearing me thin because I've been so depressed and confused, but I think as I realize that the semester is over in about 7 weeks I've been feeling better. The light at the end of the tunnel!
I'm going to a pampered chef party this weekend! I'm so excited! I guess it's kind of like a Mary Kay party, except they have all the latest little cooking tools that have come out. It's so cool! haha. I'm so fascinated by cooking tools. :-D I could spend hours in places like Bed Bath and Beyond just looking at shit.
I have to go to the base to pick up refills for my drugs on Friday. *sigh* My health is really starting to suck. I've been having a lot of knee pain to the point where I can't walk on it sometimes. It only hurts sometimes, which is weird. I've starting lifting weights again because I've become SO WEAK. I mean I just got down on the floor one day to see how many push-ups I could do (I used to be able to do like 3 sets of 12 with no problems) and I could barely do 12. I felt so weak. So I'm trying to fix that.
I'm going to study some more because I'm obsessive about being smart like that. ;-)