(no subject)
I'm feeling very positive and inspired at the moment, but in a super unfocused way.
It's kind of like being in college again.
You know what I mean--that time in your life when you know that you're going to Make A Difference, when the future seems full of opportunity and potential. It's a heady feeling, a little scary and yet hugely exhilarating. I'd say it's a little like being at the top of the first hill on a roller coaster, except I find roller coasters deeply terrifying, so I've only ever ridden the little kiddie ones. But I'm given to understand that other people find that moment before you hit the first downhill stretch exhilarating as well as pants-shittingly terrifying, so I guess I'll go with the roller coaster simile after all.
I'm making fun of it, but I kind of loved it, and I've missed it--that sense of endless possibility. My life has felt depressingly short of opportunity and potential for the last couple of (oh god, we're working up to several, now) years. There's a brick wall in front of me, and when I turn around and try to go some other way, I find out that the wall is there, too. Dead-end job, dead-end life, not making a damn bit of difference, not changing anything, never making any headway.
Nothing has happened that might make me feel different--no new job, no light at the end of the tunnel. And yet... a little voice whispers:
Hope. Change for the better. Purpose.
I don't know why. I don't know what I have to look forward to anymore, other than the satisfaction of making it through another day and coming home to drown my sorrows in books and games.
But I'll take it. Just for now, for this moment, I'll take it.
This entry was originally posted at http://all-strange-wonders.dreamwidth.org/738961.html. Please comment there using OpenID. You can read
comments on this entry at http://all-strange-wonders.dreamwidth.org/738961.html#comments.
It's kind of like being in college again.
You know what I mean--that time in your life when you know that you're going to Make A Difference, when the future seems full of opportunity and potential. It's a heady feeling, a little scary and yet hugely exhilarating. I'd say it's a little like being at the top of the first hill on a roller coaster, except I find roller coasters deeply terrifying, so I've only ever ridden the little kiddie ones. But I'm given to understand that other people find that moment before you hit the first downhill stretch exhilarating as well as pants-shittingly terrifying, so I guess I'll go with the roller coaster simile after all.
I'm making fun of it, but I kind of loved it, and I've missed it--that sense of endless possibility. My life has felt depressingly short of opportunity and potential for the last couple of (oh god, we're working up to several, now) years. There's a brick wall in front of me, and when I turn around and try to go some other way, I find out that the wall is there, too. Dead-end job, dead-end life, not making a damn bit of difference, not changing anything, never making any headway.
Nothing has happened that might make me feel different--no new job, no light at the end of the tunnel. And yet... a little voice whispers:
Hope. Change for the better. Purpose.
I don't know why. I don't know what I have to look forward to anymore, other than the satisfaction of making it through another day and coming home to drown my sorrows in books and games.
But I'll take it. Just for now, for this moment, I'll take it.
This entry was originally posted at http://all-strange-wonders.dreamwidth.org/738961.html. Please comment there using OpenID. You can read
comments on this entry at http://all-strange-wonders.dreamwidth.org/738961.html#comments.