First Person Singular | Is this the Secret to Happiness?
Need an over-simplified flow chart in your life today?
http://firstpersonsingular.org/2013/10/08/is-this-the-secret-to-happiness/
Just so we understand one another, I enjoy this woman's blog and I think she has a lot of great things to say most of the time. That being said...
I really don't believe that my happiness is actually entirely within my own hands. I think there are a lot of changes I can make--changes I have made--that help my situation, but I think there's a substantial portion of my "happiness potential" that depends on the actions of others. I think it's great for this post's commenters that they're confident and independent enough to declare to the world that their happiness is totally within their control. But I don't feel that way at all. To some degree, I feel that even people who are as kind and gracious and good as possible and deserve nothing but to be completely happy (not to name names, but anyone hear of Brenda?) are forced (by nature, the world, fate, whatever) to surrender at least some of their control over their happiness to the people around them. B's an amazing and wonderful person, but her family complicates the hell out of her life. She's tried to make changes for the better, but the only change that would make her life, ahem, "completely happy" would be to basically ditch her family--which would, in turn, destroy their lives and make her feel guilty and awful, thus destroying her own happiness.
When I first looked at the flow chart I personally was inclined to think, yeah, okay, that seems about right. But when I thought about it, I realized that most of the things I could do to change my life and make myself a happier person would hurt other people. The most obvious thing I considered was that it would make me happy if I just ceased to exist--but, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, it would make at least a few people in my life considerably unhappy. Other things that might make me happy--like going out and partying and making friends and actually having fun--would have detrimental effects on others--like the professors who would have to start failing me, my parents who would be disappointed by my being out of the house so often, or, I don't know, the people who would suddenly have to be around me all the time and endure me throwing myself at them. (Or take the example of the two years I wasted in college when I tried to make myself "happy" by pursuing a relationship with someone who never loved me. I was trying to find happiness for myself by spending time with someone I thought could actually tolerate my presence, but that ended up making everyone unhappy--his family, my family, my friends, etc. including me--this change that I thought would help make me a little more happy ended up making me more unhappy than I've ever been in my entire life.) Even just yesterday, doing something that made me happy--playing Xbox--has made me extremely unhappy now--I'm in the middle of an all-nighter writing a paper that I was busy not writing while I was playing Peggle to "de-stress." Even when I am the only one who's immediately affected, the changes I make in favor of my "happiness" don't always have the outcomes I expect. That's even more true when other people are involved in the equation (as they almost always are).
Anyway, isn't that the way it should be, anyhow? Shouldn't we all be able to say that we have deep enough relationships with at least a few people that their actions or situations deeply affect our own happiness? I feel that's only natural. I feel blessed to have a couple relationships that are that powerful in my life.
Rest assured that my vote on the poll was "no," and that I'm not convinced it was a negatively-charged answer.
http://firstpersonsingular.org/2013/10/08/is-this-the-secret-to-happiness/
Just so we understand one another, I enjoy this woman's blog and I think she has a lot of great things to say most of the time. That being said...
I really don't believe that my happiness is actually entirely within my own hands. I think there are a lot of changes I can make--changes I have made--that help my situation, but I think there's a substantial portion of my "happiness potential" that depends on the actions of others. I think it's great for this post's commenters that they're confident and independent enough to declare to the world that their happiness is totally within their control. But I don't feel that way at all. To some degree, I feel that even people who are as kind and gracious and good as possible and deserve nothing but to be completely happy (not to name names, but anyone hear of Brenda?) are forced (by nature, the world, fate, whatever) to surrender at least some of their control over their happiness to the people around them. B's an amazing and wonderful person, but her family complicates the hell out of her life. She's tried to make changes for the better, but the only change that would make her life, ahem, "completely happy" would be to basically ditch her family--which would, in turn, destroy their lives and make her feel guilty and awful, thus destroying her own happiness.
When I first looked at the flow chart I personally was inclined to think, yeah, okay, that seems about right. But when I thought about it, I realized that most of the things I could do to change my life and make myself a happier person would hurt other people. The most obvious thing I considered was that it would make me happy if I just ceased to exist--but, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, it would make at least a few people in my life considerably unhappy. Other things that might make me happy--like going out and partying and making friends and actually having fun--would have detrimental effects on others--like the professors who would have to start failing me, my parents who would be disappointed by my being out of the house so often, or, I don't know, the people who would suddenly have to be around me all the time and endure me throwing myself at them. (Or take the example of the two years I wasted in college when I tried to make myself "happy" by pursuing a relationship with someone who never loved me. I was trying to find happiness for myself by spending time with someone I thought could actually tolerate my presence, but that ended up making everyone unhappy--his family, my family, my friends, etc. including me--this change that I thought would help make me a little more happy ended up making me more unhappy than I've ever been in my entire life.) Even just yesterday, doing something that made me happy--playing Xbox--has made me extremely unhappy now--I'm in the middle of an all-nighter writing a paper that I was busy not writing while I was playing Peggle to "de-stress." Even when I am the only one who's immediately affected, the changes I make in favor of my "happiness" don't always have the outcomes I expect. That's even more true when other people are involved in the equation (as they almost always are).
Anyway, isn't that the way it should be, anyhow? Shouldn't we all be able to say that we have deep enough relationships with at least a few people that their actions or situations deeply affect our own happiness? I feel that's only natural. I feel blessed to have a couple relationships that are that powerful in my life.
Rest assured that my vote on the poll was "no," and that I'm not convinced it was a negatively-charged answer.