[Couples_therapy 44.2
Couples Therapy: 2. Discuss something you're not ready for in your current relationship, and explain why.
This is an Earth!AU prompt response. Sam is notmyfate and Leoben is cylon_prophet.
[Locked from Sam and Leoben]
I'm not ready to forgive him yet, about Kacey.
I've made my peace with Leoben about most of what happened on New Caprica. I know why he did it. I know it was to keep me alive, to keep me from the joining the resistance, because then I might have died and I never would have found Earth. I know his side of the story, and while I hate what he did to me, I have to believe he thought it was the only way to keep me safe.
And he admitted part of him wanted to force me into loving him. I hate that part a lot, but what can I frakking do about it? I do love him. Sometimes I think I loved him when I was his prisoner, but it doesn't make any sense why I would have. Sometimes it felt like love when I killed him, but I don't know if that makes sense, either. Nothing with the two of us makes a lot of sense. Trust me, I know that better than anyone. I know Lee doesn't get it, and even Sharon--my best friend--I think she's confused, too. But I love him, and that's not up for frakking discussion. You can try and figure out why, and let me know if you do.
But Kacey...he told me she was mine. My child. And he knew about my mother, and what I--what my childhood was like. And I guess it's fair to say he had to do something drastic, since he caught me trying to slice my wrists open in the bathroom. But I don't think I would have done it. I've never really wanted to die, except the one time when I actually did.
I don't know if Sam's forgiven him or not. He was the one who was left there, alone, not knowing what happened to me. I should have been by his side, as his wife and leader of the resistance. I would have been. And it all goes back to that, that Leoben was frakking right and I could have died. But I could have lived, too. I've never asked if Leoben's visions saw my death on New Caprica. I don't know if I'm ready for the answer.
But Kacey...
I saw her, a few days ago. I was at the market, and her mother was there, and they came over and said hi. Kacey's gotten so big, I almost didn't recognize her. But she smiled and said, "Kara," and I picked her up and she tugged my hair. I wondered what she would have done if Leoben had been with me. I wonder if she remembers him. Looking back, I don't think she ever called him anything. She doesn't look anything like me, or Leoben, except she's fair-haired like the two of us. She's in school, they have a nice warm place to live, and her mom says they're both doing well. I'm really glad about that.
But then I went home and I didn't talk to Leoben for the rest of the day. I know this...relationship...the three of us have won't work unless I frakking talk, communicate, whatever. But I just couldn't do it. I was afraid of what I would say. I think maybe I need to say it, at some point, but I don't want to. Yesterday I came home and Leoben and Sam were playing Pyramid again, dressed in all the random warm clothes we've managed to scrape together (you don't need them on a spaceship, winter's been hard to dress for), and they were laughing and easy. And I remembered the first night we moved in here, when I thought they were going to go after each others throats and this was all doomed to be some colossal frak-up.
I want it to work. It is. I just have to let this go, and I just don't know if I can. But I want to, I do, and I guess that's something.
This is an Earth!AU prompt response. Sam is notmyfate and Leoben is cylon_prophet.
[Locked from Sam and Leoben]
I'm not ready to forgive him yet, about Kacey.
I've made my peace with Leoben about most of what happened on New Caprica. I know why he did it. I know it was to keep me alive, to keep me from the joining the resistance, because then I might have died and I never would have found Earth. I know his side of the story, and while I hate what he did to me, I have to believe he thought it was the only way to keep me safe.
And he admitted part of him wanted to force me into loving him. I hate that part a lot, but what can I frakking do about it? I do love him. Sometimes I think I loved him when I was his prisoner, but it doesn't make any sense why I would have. Sometimes it felt like love when I killed him, but I don't know if that makes sense, either. Nothing with the two of us makes a lot of sense. Trust me, I know that better than anyone. I know Lee doesn't get it, and even Sharon--my best friend--I think she's confused, too. But I love him, and that's not up for frakking discussion. You can try and figure out why, and let me know if you do.
But Kacey...he told me she was mine. My child. And he knew about my mother, and what I--what my childhood was like. And I guess it's fair to say he had to do something drastic, since he caught me trying to slice my wrists open in the bathroom. But I don't think I would have done it. I've never really wanted to die, except the one time when I actually did.
I don't know if Sam's forgiven him or not. He was the one who was left there, alone, not knowing what happened to me. I should have been by his side, as his wife and leader of the resistance. I would have been. And it all goes back to that, that Leoben was frakking right and I could have died. But I could have lived, too. I've never asked if Leoben's visions saw my death on New Caprica. I don't know if I'm ready for the answer.
But Kacey...
I saw her, a few days ago. I was at the market, and her mother was there, and they came over and said hi. Kacey's gotten so big, I almost didn't recognize her. But she smiled and said, "Kara," and I picked her up and she tugged my hair. I wondered what she would have done if Leoben had been with me. I wonder if she remembers him. Looking back, I don't think she ever called him anything. She doesn't look anything like me, or Leoben, except she's fair-haired like the two of us. She's in school, they have a nice warm place to live, and her mom says they're both doing well. I'm really glad about that.
But then I went home and I didn't talk to Leoben for the rest of the day. I know this...relationship...the three of us have won't work unless I frakking talk, communicate, whatever. But I just couldn't do it. I was afraid of what I would say. I think maybe I need to say it, at some point, but I don't want to. Yesterday I came home and Leoben and Sam were playing Pyramid again, dressed in all the random warm clothes we've managed to scrape together (you don't need them on a spaceship, winter's been hard to dress for), and they were laughing and easy. And I remembered the first night we moved in here, when I thought they were going to go after each others throats and this was all doomed to be some colossal frak-up.
I want it to work. It is. I just have to let this go, and I just don't know if I can. But I want to, I do, and I guess that's something.