Monologue from a real-life Las Vegas cab driver
who escorted my friend and I from Mandalay Bay to our hotel Saturday night and whose craziness surpassed that of the Indian driver with whom, on the way to Newark years back, I had the following exchange: DRIVER: In India, I do everything bad. I do everything but rape girl, loot store, steal bike. ME: But you never killed anyone, did you? DRIVER: Yes my friend. When you push guy's face into concrete ten times, you think he's alive?
But this guy was something else altogether. He apparently doubles as cab driver and strip club promoter, and once he finished trying to peddle us 3-for-1 drink vouchers, he launched into a rant that lasted the rest of the 15 minute ride, punctuated only by gasps from myself and "Haha, awww man!" exclamations from my friend. I'll print what I can remember, words not necessarily in order (read in the same voice as the hick neighbor character in "Office Space," and picture a 50-ish brawny dude in a Yankees jacket with graying muttonchops):
"You guys are from New York, huh? So I bet you know what it's like when all the fucking cabbies are Mohammeds, dontcha? These guys will fuck you, man. I just had a whole group of kids, they told me they trusted me 'cause I don't fuck 'em, they had to deal with a whole bunch of Mohammeds and sand niggers or whatever the fuck...I tell you what, I'm gonna give you guys a slowed meter rate. If you were Chinese I'd run the fucking thing double, man...I just had a whole pack of Chinese and I totally took the long route, they didn't even know, man. Fucking Chinese man, I hate em. Get out of my country. They don't even know who the fucking Yankees are...my wife is always bugging me, like 'You're only doing these promotions so you can see tits and ass.' I said 'Damn straight, woman. Why do you think I married you twenty years ago? 'Cos twenty years ago you had big tits and a tight ass.' Nah, but she's a looker, man, we got four good-looking kids, two of 'em blonde, two redheads. Man, thank God for cellphones, 'cos without 'em that house phone would be ringing off the hook, they get hit on every second, man. One of 'em, I scared the shit out of her boyfriend. Good kid, but he called, I said 'Stay away from my daughter, motherfucker.' He stayed away from the house for weeks, until they were engaged, and when my daughter told me that, he showed up, I said you gotta be kidding me, what a wimp, so I answered the door holding a bat, you marry my daughter, I'll kill ya. He turned pale, man, what a wimp. I said dude, you're gonna be my son in law, let's go out, see some tits and ass. He said, you're a cool guy, I said what the fuck did you think I was? But now they're married, he's one of my best buddies, we go fishing together, he's an engineer, great guy...(we get stuck in traffic) We're gonna be in this for about eight minutes. LIFE IS FUCKING GOOD, HUH?! LIFE IS FUCKING GOOD! (very uncomfortable two minute silence until we drive past a strip joint) That place sucks, man. Nothing but skinny little bitches. I go in there, I thought all of them were underage. I paid one $300 to just serve me coffee and stay the fuck away, 'cos I was paranoid, man...(We pass a Chinese guy debating whether or not to cross the street on red) "Yeah that's right, buddy. Keep waiting, keep waiting. Heh heh. Look at that chink try to walk, man. They don't even know how to move their feet. They try to and just wobble...my wife always says "You're such a racist." I'm like "Hey, I like Tiger Woods. And you're the one that clutches your purse when ten black guys walk by." But I like Tiger, man, he's got the build of a black man, brains of a Chinaman...
And so on.
But this guy was something else altogether. He apparently doubles as cab driver and strip club promoter, and once he finished trying to peddle us 3-for-1 drink vouchers, he launched into a rant that lasted the rest of the 15 minute ride, punctuated only by gasps from myself and "Haha, awww man!" exclamations from my friend. I'll print what I can remember, words not necessarily in order (read in the same voice as the hick neighbor character in "Office Space," and picture a 50-ish brawny dude in a Yankees jacket with graying muttonchops):
"You guys are from New York, huh? So I bet you know what it's like when all the fucking cabbies are Mohammeds, dontcha? These guys will fuck you, man. I just had a whole group of kids, they told me they trusted me 'cause I don't fuck 'em, they had to deal with a whole bunch of Mohammeds and sand niggers or whatever the fuck...I tell you what, I'm gonna give you guys a slowed meter rate. If you were Chinese I'd run the fucking thing double, man...I just had a whole pack of Chinese and I totally took the long route, they didn't even know, man. Fucking Chinese man, I hate em. Get out of my country. They don't even know who the fucking Yankees are...my wife is always bugging me, like 'You're only doing these promotions so you can see tits and ass.' I said 'Damn straight, woman. Why do you think I married you twenty years ago? 'Cos twenty years ago you had big tits and a tight ass.' Nah, but she's a looker, man, we got four good-looking kids, two of 'em blonde, two redheads. Man, thank God for cellphones, 'cos without 'em that house phone would be ringing off the hook, they get hit on every second, man. One of 'em, I scared the shit out of her boyfriend. Good kid, but he called, I said 'Stay away from my daughter, motherfucker.' He stayed away from the house for weeks, until they were engaged, and when my daughter told me that, he showed up, I said you gotta be kidding me, what a wimp, so I answered the door holding a bat, you marry my daughter, I'll kill ya. He turned pale, man, what a wimp. I said dude, you're gonna be my son in law, let's go out, see some tits and ass. He said, you're a cool guy, I said what the fuck did you think I was? But now they're married, he's one of my best buddies, we go fishing together, he's an engineer, great guy...(we get stuck in traffic) We're gonna be in this for about eight minutes. LIFE IS FUCKING GOOD, HUH?! LIFE IS FUCKING GOOD! (very uncomfortable two minute silence until we drive past a strip joint) That place sucks, man. Nothing but skinny little bitches. I go in there, I thought all of them were underage. I paid one $300 to just serve me coffee and stay the fuck away, 'cos I was paranoid, man...(We pass a Chinese guy debating whether or not to cross the street on red) "Yeah that's right, buddy. Keep waiting, keep waiting. Heh heh. Look at that chink try to walk, man. They don't even know how to move their feet. They try to and just wobble...my wife always says "You're such a racist." I'm like "Hey, I like Tiger Woods. And you're the one that clutches your purse when ten black guys walk by." But I like Tiger, man, he's got the build of a black man, brains of a Chinaman...
And so on.