rants
i've been doing really well lately. theres been no heartache..only in the back of my mind. things were looking up. only cause i was hiding. justin called me last night. he was actually being his normal self. yet he was playing with my mind again. i dont know how i did it, but i didnt really let it get to me...till now. i dont understand why i let myself get hurt each time. i guess my feelings override how i might feel the next day. i set myself up for failure. and then to think he would actually mean the things he says. i mean, how can he tell me all these things and then turn around and take it all back? maybe it is anger talking, but still. most people dont treat others like shit when they supposidly care about them. i fell sick from all of this. i'm not glass. i'm not gonna break. yet sometime i feel like im gonna explode. only time will tell...I'M TIRED OF WAITING FOR TIME! i wish i had answers. i wish i knew the truth instead of sugar coated suggestions. dont i deserve the truth? and then when i try to be happy, i get shut down. i mean, is he the only one is allowed to be happy? am i suppose to sit back and wait for him to one day throw a glance my way? its so exhausting having someone play mind games with you. im not a piece of meat that you can just throw around.i have feelings. but oh! he doesnt understand how hes confusing and he doesnt want anything from me. yeah, its all in my head. ...sometimes i regret meeting the guy. maybe life would be so less complicated these days. sometimes i pretend like he doesnt exist. sure it works for a while...but then i realize the whole in my heart thats been there for that past 2 1/2 months. i can ignore it all i want, but that doesnt mean its not there. he can pretend like i dont exist and hes happy in his sick and twisted relationship, yet that doesnt mean i'm not there in the back of his head anymore. i dunno. maybe im not. maybe he just tells me these things to get into my head and get at me. i mean, he is right about one thing. we know each other better than any else does. he knows what to say to hit me hard. its a shame really. someone like him, knowing how to knock me down. he is the one person who can make me feel high and then turn around and make me feel low. its not fair that someone can have that kind of power over me. i have kinda learned how to not take things to heart as much. like how he told me he wished things worked out differently. well ya know what? they didnt. it happend and theres no going back. he tells me he doesnt really think about it...yeah sure. then why are we talking about it? hmm...and oh he doesnt think about me yet little things remind him of me. thats real great and all, but dont tell that to someone who obviously isnt over you. i really needed to rant. to myself...lol. i dunno. i feel so stressed out right now. i'm torn and i dont know which direction to go. im so confused about a lot of things. ive been for awhile i just havnt shown it. i think ive been pretending i was happy..when in reality...i'm not as happy as i thought i was. somethings missing. i dont feel complete like i once did. i know it will get better. i mean 100% better over time. its just the wait that i'm afraid of. i'm a lot stronger than i was 2 months ago. im not the same girl that he once knew. but deep inside, im still that afraid little girl who doesnt know what to do with herself. i wish i could just figure EVERYTHING out. life just doesnt work that way. sooner or later, you learn that...