Sep 18, 2010 00:40
...and I'm trying to master the skill behind it.
A lot of people hurt me when I lived in Pitman. Everyone lied to me. Everyone lead me on. Everyone held information from me. I know some of you may have been trying to protect me by hiding things from me, but in the end all it did was hurt me far worst.
I hated you for years. Absolutely hated you. It was hard to hate you. Damn it. You're such a likable person. Damn it you know how to make me smile. Truth is, it wasn't all that bad. You hurt me. You fucked up my mind for awhile. I blammed myself for so much, but the part that hurts the most is you lied to me. Remember that cool October night? I knew something was up. I begged you for the truth. You got mad at me. You said nothing was going on.
You lied to me.
If you would have just told me the truth that night, my entire life might be sooooo different right now, probably for the better.
This thought has penetrated my mind for years. I've hated you for it, and you had no idea.
You know what? This whole thing is pretty stupid. I mean, you thought you were doing the right thing. You didn't want to betray her, and you didn't want to hurt me. I should actually almost respect what you did, instead of hating you for it.
and you know what? It happened years ago. It's over and done with. Time to move on.
You still kind of confuse me, but I think in strange ways I can relate to you more now then I did back then. We've both grown up so much since then and have experienced so many things that opened our minds in new ways, or at least I have.
I've really enjoyed having you back in my life to be honest. I'm ready to move on from the past and try my best not to hold it against you.
You're not the only one, either.
You're one of many.
There's another person, who it's time to make amends with.
We had a bit of a falling out in high school, didn't we?
You thought I was a princess or something. You know what I thought of you. It wasn't that great, to be honest.
Harsh words were exchanged. Things came out differently then they probably should have. We hated each other and then I moved.
and we didn't talk.
Now we always end up in the same places.
It's like God's trying to tell us to make up and move on. I am honestly afraid of you. I'm afraid of everyone, though. I don't know how to trust most people in my life, and I think that half the time that includes myself.
I've been through a lot. Seen a lot. Experienced a lot. Felt a lot. I'm nowheres near who I was back then. I'm not going to lie, I still don't really like what you are or what you are trying to be. I'm more open minded now. I'm going to try my best to accept the person that you are, even if it's a complete 360 of who I am. Even if it means accepting someone that is everything that I hate.
We obviously have some things in common, as much as we have our (major) differences. Let's embrace that and move on.
When it comes down to it, we all bleed red anyway.
Here's to making amends. Here's to forgiveness and moving on from the past.
Now, if only my heart could move on from "you".
I still love you.
I always will.
I've accepted the fact that you will never love me.
But can't you at least come back in my life, even if not in the way I hope and pray that you'll come to me?
Just be there?
Forget everything I've ever said or felt for you in the past and move on?
...I really miss you. and everything that we used to do...
I promise to try to force myself not to love you. I just want your prescense back in my life.
Please?
I'm trying to forgive many people in my life, will you forgive my selfishness? I accept that you'll never love me. I'm willing to take what you can offer me, rather than dwell on what I want that will forever be missing.
I've learned that something is better than nothing, and I've had nothing for far too long.
I'm forgiving others, or at least trying to. Can I just have this one person forgive me now, too?