I'm the strongest person you'll ever meet......
but sometimes I don't want to be strong anymore. Sometimes I just get so tired....tired of constantly HAVING to be strong.
My life has been completely upside down for a majority of the summer, especially the past month and a half. Everything has been falling apart and I think I'm ready to just give up on any thought or belief I once had that things will get better.
Like. My cat dies. My cat has had problems with her mouth for quiet some time, but with the antibiotics and pain killers we've been given her, we seemingly were taken care of the problem pretty ok. Overall she seemed relatively healthy. Then out of nowheres she stops eating and drinking, becomes really weak, loses her ability to walk, and dies. It doesn't even make sense. This house feel so lonely and weird now. I've had at least one pet since I was 2. Now I don't have any. They all died. And my cat was like a person to me. Like a best friend. whenever I was having a bad day I just turned to my cat and she'd make me laugh and just forget. I don't have that anymore...
Then there's my mom's dad. He's been in the hospital for over a month now with his lungs. he's at Lourdes, aka the hospital that killed my grandfather in 2007. He's already had 2 surgeries and neither one seems to have worked. he isn't really getting better and it seems so hopeless. It really scares me. It's just like how my grandfather died in 2007. surgery, hospital visits, terrible care at Lourdes but no one would listen when we told them to go elsewhere because there are no doctors at Lourdes, only murderers....and it's scary. I know how it ended with my grandfather. gets sick in april. gets sicker and sicker. dies right before school starts. My first day at Rowan (September 1st) will mark the 3 year anniversary...I'm afraid I'll be going to a funeral right before school starts again at this rate. I hate being so pessimistic. I hate what I'm saying. but I know the truth of the situation, and I know its ugly.
and then there's you. theres always you. I don't have the strength within me to write out who you is. but you knows who you is. you constantly hurt me. constantly break my heart. and i dont get it. you was doing so well. i thought you changed. but you didnt. you didnt change because you didnt want to. ikeep holding on to the belief that one day things will get better with you, but they never do. they only get worst. some try to say its not all your fault, but i think otherwise. you did this. you had choices, and you made them...all the wrong choices. but this is what you wanted. this is what you like, its like you get a sick twisted thrill out of hurting others, like myself. you told me "you're a writer, but dont write me off", you know what i say to that? give me a reason to not write you off. im still waiting. i know how things are though. you'll never change.and sadly things are worst than they've ever been with you and they just keeping getting worst and worst and its almost unbearable to think about. i know how this story is going to end. it scares the living daylights out of me. i have so may restness nights because of you. i try to sleep, but then all of my fears become visible in the form of nightmares. you torture me every waking moment, and now even in my sleep, too, and theres no escape. i say im done with you, and i mean it, but it doesnt change the fact that i ove and care about you and always will. and it doesnt change the fact that im so afraid of the truth. the ending.
i've been at payless for 2 months now. i initally loved it, but now the newness is wearing off and its not so much fun anymore. i keep getting in trouble for stupid things and its not fair. its like because im new i'lll get in trouble, but if any of the older workers makes the same mistake its fine. i've been written up twice before because of things that didnt even take place at my store and problems due to lack of communication on their part. i dont know if this is gonna work out for me. maybe its just not right for me. i dont know. maybe its time for a new career already...
even things that are supposed to make me feel better like retail therapy arent working out now. i dont work enough at payless, which in turn means i dont make enough. when all the stuff i wanna buy is onsale im broke. when i have money the stuff is too expensive to buy or sold out or something. i just cant win.
but i guess i shouldn't worry about buying stuff and retail therapy anyway being that i'm $124 in debt and counting. I overdrew my checking account by like $20 or less. not even kidding. i did it with two seperate transactions and had no idea. for each transaction I overdrew I was slapped with a $37 overdraw fee and then $5 fee for everyday it's not fully paid off. soooo...because I overdrew my account by like $20 I now owe $124 and counting. yeah thats fair. man, I hate credit cards, checking accounts, banks, and just simply being an adult.
i just want something to smile about. i just want something to believe in. i just want something to go right for once in my freaking life. I want my only worry in life to be that i lost my favorite pen or something stupid and petty like most of my friends have to worrry about. im tired of having to worry about who's dead, alive, who'se living, who's dying. who's sick and who's well. I just want to be a carefree kid like all of my friends.
My life has been completely upside down for a majority of the summer, especially the past month and a half. Everything has been falling apart and I think I'm ready to just give up on any thought or belief I once had that things will get better.
Like. My cat dies. My cat has had problems with her mouth for quiet some time, but with the antibiotics and pain killers we've been given her, we seemingly were taken care of the problem pretty ok. Overall she seemed relatively healthy. Then out of nowheres she stops eating and drinking, becomes really weak, loses her ability to walk, and dies. It doesn't even make sense. This house feel so lonely and weird now. I've had at least one pet since I was 2. Now I don't have any. They all died. And my cat was like a person to me. Like a best friend. whenever I was having a bad day I just turned to my cat and she'd make me laugh and just forget. I don't have that anymore...
Then there's my mom's dad. He's been in the hospital for over a month now with his lungs. he's at Lourdes, aka the hospital that killed my grandfather in 2007. He's already had 2 surgeries and neither one seems to have worked. he isn't really getting better and it seems so hopeless. It really scares me. It's just like how my grandfather died in 2007. surgery, hospital visits, terrible care at Lourdes but no one would listen when we told them to go elsewhere because there are no doctors at Lourdes, only murderers....and it's scary. I know how it ended with my grandfather. gets sick in april. gets sicker and sicker. dies right before school starts. My first day at Rowan (September 1st) will mark the 3 year anniversary...I'm afraid I'll be going to a funeral right before school starts again at this rate. I hate being so pessimistic. I hate what I'm saying. but I know the truth of the situation, and I know its ugly.
and then there's you. theres always you. I don't have the strength within me to write out who you is. but you knows who you is. you constantly hurt me. constantly break my heart. and i dont get it. you was doing so well. i thought you changed. but you didnt. you didnt change because you didnt want to. ikeep holding on to the belief that one day things will get better with you, but they never do. they only get worst. some try to say its not all your fault, but i think otherwise. you did this. you had choices, and you made them...all the wrong choices. but this is what you wanted. this is what you like, its like you get a sick twisted thrill out of hurting others, like myself. you told me "you're a writer, but dont write me off", you know what i say to that? give me a reason to not write you off. im still waiting. i know how things are though. you'll never change.and sadly things are worst than they've ever been with you and they just keeping getting worst and worst and its almost unbearable to think about. i know how this story is going to end. it scares the living daylights out of me. i have so may restness nights because of you. i try to sleep, but then all of my fears become visible in the form of nightmares. you torture me every waking moment, and now even in my sleep, too, and theres no escape. i say im done with you, and i mean it, but it doesnt change the fact that i ove and care about you and always will. and it doesnt change the fact that im so afraid of the truth. the ending.
i've been at payless for 2 months now. i initally loved it, but now the newness is wearing off and its not so much fun anymore. i keep getting in trouble for stupid things and its not fair. its like because im new i'lll get in trouble, but if any of the older workers makes the same mistake its fine. i've been written up twice before because of things that didnt even take place at my store and problems due to lack of communication on their part. i dont know if this is gonna work out for me. maybe its just not right for me. i dont know. maybe its time for a new career already...
even things that are supposed to make me feel better like retail therapy arent working out now. i dont work enough at payless, which in turn means i dont make enough. when all the stuff i wanna buy is onsale im broke. when i have money the stuff is too expensive to buy or sold out or something. i just cant win.
but i guess i shouldn't worry about buying stuff and retail therapy anyway being that i'm $124 in debt and counting. I overdrew my checking account by like $20 or less. not even kidding. i did it with two seperate transactions and had no idea. for each transaction I overdrew I was slapped with a $37 overdraw fee and then $5 fee for everyday it's not fully paid off. soooo...because I overdrew my account by like $20 I now owe $124 and counting. yeah thats fair. man, I hate credit cards, checking accounts, banks, and just simply being an adult.
i just want something to smile about. i just want something to believe in. i just want something to go right for once in my freaking life. I want my only worry in life to be that i lost my favorite pen or something stupid and petty like most of my friends have to worrry about. im tired of having to worry about who's dead, alive, who'se living, who's dying. who's sick and who's well. I just want to be a carefree kid like all of my friends.