(no subject)
The following was written by my boyfriend approx. 9months ago...
Sunday, January 8th, 2006
3:32 am
It's been a week since I have had any contact with my ex. It's very difficult and confusing on many levels.
I started school this week and feels pretty good to actually be working towards a goal and not running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.
Al anon is very challenging for me. I can't talk at the meetings. I just can't and I leave there feeling shitty because of it. I feel better in other ways though because every time I go to a meeting I learn about another issue I have which still makes me feel shitty but, with my past experiences I know that I can work through them and learn new ways of dealing with them. The road right now seems so dark and bleak but I have been there before and I know that there is light at the end. This makes me feel like some of my life experience is helpful and that I am not just some dumb Joe on the street.
I think that I am building up the courage to change jobs. I keep thinking about it all of the time and the other night I could not sleep because I was figuring out ways to address my name change and reasoned myself into some sort of logic that it will be all right because if they don't want someone like me working for them then I will just keep looking.
I am going to the thrift store this week to buy dress slacks and shirts and have them tailored. For some reason this makes me happy and I'm going to just go with it.
I couldn't figure out for the longest time why I was so disturbed about the stuff my sister and her husband told me about mom until this brick feel on my head and I realized that I have issues with her. I never knew because I had her on a golden pedestal and I could not see her human faults.
Writing about my sexual abuse was very difficult and painful. I didn't think that it was going to be that bad. I do feel better and I hope that I can do it again this week. I would like to give my little journal to Meral but she has such a full plate right now and I don't think I can afford it.
I am finally eating better but sleeping like shit. My brain will not shut off unless I am completely exhausted. I can't wait to get the weight set. It will help stabilize some of my imbalances.
I cleaned my room the other night. Really cleaned. I dropped stuff off at the thrift store today and tossed a bunch of shit. There are some pictures of my ex and I that I don't know what I want to do with. I can't stand the way I look int them and she is to painful to look at. What I do know is that I will hold onto them for a while to see if my mind changes about them. If not I will figure something out about them.
I wish that I could move on a little faster. I've always been slow at that. Trust is so hard for me to come by and when lose that in someone it just cuts so deep. I know that she probably is completely done with me and that's okay I guess. But it is very hard for me. So much trust involved. I have to stop attracting people like this. I know nothing is guaranteed in life but it is nice to have faith and trust in someone and the relationship. Maybe just a permanent fuck buddy is all I'm destined for. I can't actually bring myself to believe that. I know I'm a good person. It's just a matter of finding myself a little more and someone who is decently stable within them self and who understands a little more about childhood traumas that carry over to adulthood. They don't have to have first hand knowledge but, at least be able to somewhat understand that energy it takes to constantly deal with them. I don't know all of them myself yet but, what I do know is that I have a lot of them and that they are not in small doses, they are large doses for extended periods of time. All of my childhood and adolescence to be exact. This has been very painful and difficult for me to acknowledge because I have always hidden behind " everyone has a fucked up childhood" and "well that's the cards that I have been dealt". Well, that worked for quite a while until I realized that not everyone had that kind of life yeah maybe a few things here and there but not in such large doses and for as long. This is very hard for me to accept. Even writing it is extremely difficult.
I can't believe how much al anon has taught me. I feel shitty after those meetings but, I keep going back and I know myself well enough to know that that means something is working. The only problem I have with it is the God stuff. I don't know if I really believe in God. My brothers funeral kind of sealed the can on that one. It started at my grandmothers funeral, that was the first time I questioned whether there was a God or not. Now I just don't know. It almost seems to easy. The whole God thing. I don't know. All I do know is that I want to love myself and be happy with me and my life no matter what is going on. I know it won't be a walk in the park but I really want that now. I want to love who I am and not care what anyone thinks anymore. Not like the narcissistic type, just calmly happy. Merals' husband is the physical manifestation when I think about that kind of me. I've never been a quiet person though. I don't think that is a part of me. I pretty loud with everything that I do. Although right now I feel pretty quiet. I don't want to talk about what is going on with me with other people. I'm afraid of burdening them and they feel so insignificant compared to other peoples problems. I'm working on that also. My problems are just as valid as the next person's but I'm trying learn how not to dump on others. To be constructive with dealing with them. It's a very fine line.
and now we're fighting again!....and reading that after all this time...it feels like things are worse than they were back then. I feel like I've been duped or that he's found a way to make me his crutch. He doesn't do anything for himself anymore at all. He just goes to class and goes to work and you can't do that week in and week out and expect other people to want to be around you. especially if you make no time or effort to be around them...and watching Angel on DVD together doesn't count as alone time. That is time spent with the TV in the company of others. That is not time spent with your g/f in the company of the TV. I want to have a boyfriend and right now I have a roommate...I don't want a roommate, I don't get along well with them. I want a boyfriend who I can go out with and spend time alone with not in front of the TV but maybe on the couch, at a coffee shop, or even *gasp* in bed?!?! How am I supposed to feel loved and supported when there is no effort made to make me feel loved and suppported? I feel used and useless. I can't be your only support structure. You have friends and family to air out your stress and anxiety. That and your stress would be less if you got a different job. Not necessarily better, but different. Why are you so afraid to leave this crappy, law-breaking, back-breaking job behind for something, ANYTHING else?!? Cap City would have been so much better than this shit hole you're in now. Even if it's the same kind of work, everything about it would be different. I can't be there for you every night after work to support you and make you feel better about yourself if you go in there everyday therafter and make no effort to do the same for yourself. I keep telling you that I can't handle your job anymore...when are you going to realize that I mean it!? I CAN NOT deal with your stress when my job may be at risk right now...at best I may not get a raise this year. at worst I could get fired. Do you not realize the severity of this situation for me right now? and you want me to take care of your needs (physical, financial, emotional) and not have any of mine fulfilled? I can't do this anymore...something has to change...I can't be there for you 24/7 you have to take care of yourself a lot more than you are right now. Anyway...this is what I wanted to talk to you about but you didn't even give me the chance to have a calm relatively logical discussion about this. You assumed that I was going to hurt you. Well you've been hurting me and I'm done with it. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but one of us has to do what's best for ourselves right now and if you can't help yourself, I HAVE to help myself.
Sunday, January 8th, 2006
3:32 am
It's been a week since I have had any contact with my ex. It's very difficult and confusing on many levels.
I started school this week and feels pretty good to actually be working towards a goal and not running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.
Al anon is very challenging for me. I can't talk at the meetings. I just can't and I leave there feeling shitty because of it. I feel better in other ways though because every time I go to a meeting I learn about another issue I have which still makes me feel shitty but, with my past experiences I know that I can work through them and learn new ways of dealing with them. The road right now seems so dark and bleak but I have been there before and I know that there is light at the end. This makes me feel like some of my life experience is helpful and that I am not just some dumb Joe on the street.
I think that I am building up the courage to change jobs. I keep thinking about it all of the time and the other night I could not sleep because I was figuring out ways to address my name change and reasoned myself into some sort of logic that it will be all right because if they don't want someone like me working for them then I will just keep looking.
I am going to the thrift store this week to buy dress slacks and shirts and have them tailored. For some reason this makes me happy and I'm going to just go with it.
I couldn't figure out for the longest time why I was so disturbed about the stuff my sister and her husband told me about mom until this brick feel on my head and I realized that I have issues with her. I never knew because I had her on a golden pedestal and I could not see her human faults.
Writing about my sexual abuse was very difficult and painful. I didn't think that it was going to be that bad. I do feel better and I hope that I can do it again this week. I would like to give my little journal to Meral but she has such a full plate right now and I don't think I can afford it.
I am finally eating better but sleeping like shit. My brain will not shut off unless I am completely exhausted. I can't wait to get the weight set. It will help stabilize some of my imbalances.
I cleaned my room the other night. Really cleaned. I dropped stuff off at the thrift store today and tossed a bunch of shit. There are some pictures of my ex and I that I don't know what I want to do with. I can't stand the way I look int them and she is to painful to look at. What I do know is that I will hold onto them for a while to see if my mind changes about them. If not I will figure something out about them.
I wish that I could move on a little faster. I've always been slow at that. Trust is so hard for me to come by and when lose that in someone it just cuts so deep. I know that she probably is completely done with me and that's okay I guess. But it is very hard for me. So much trust involved. I have to stop attracting people like this. I know nothing is guaranteed in life but it is nice to have faith and trust in someone and the relationship. Maybe just a permanent fuck buddy is all I'm destined for. I can't actually bring myself to believe that. I know I'm a good person. It's just a matter of finding myself a little more and someone who is decently stable within them self and who understands a little more about childhood traumas that carry over to adulthood. They don't have to have first hand knowledge but, at least be able to somewhat understand that energy it takes to constantly deal with them. I don't know all of them myself yet but, what I do know is that I have a lot of them and that they are not in small doses, they are large doses for extended periods of time. All of my childhood and adolescence to be exact. This has been very painful and difficult for me to acknowledge because I have always hidden behind " everyone has a fucked up childhood" and "well that's the cards that I have been dealt". Well, that worked for quite a while until I realized that not everyone had that kind of life yeah maybe a few things here and there but not in such large doses and for as long. This is very hard for me to accept. Even writing it is extremely difficult.
I can't believe how much al anon has taught me. I feel shitty after those meetings but, I keep going back and I know myself well enough to know that that means something is working. The only problem I have with it is the God stuff. I don't know if I really believe in God. My brothers funeral kind of sealed the can on that one. It started at my grandmothers funeral, that was the first time I questioned whether there was a God or not. Now I just don't know. It almost seems to easy. The whole God thing. I don't know. All I do know is that I want to love myself and be happy with me and my life no matter what is going on. I know it won't be a walk in the park but I really want that now. I want to love who I am and not care what anyone thinks anymore. Not like the narcissistic type, just calmly happy. Merals' husband is the physical manifestation when I think about that kind of me. I've never been a quiet person though. I don't think that is a part of me. I pretty loud with everything that I do. Although right now I feel pretty quiet. I don't want to talk about what is going on with me with other people. I'm afraid of burdening them and they feel so insignificant compared to other peoples problems. I'm working on that also. My problems are just as valid as the next person's but I'm trying learn how not to dump on others. To be constructive with dealing with them. It's a very fine line.
and now we're fighting again!....and reading that after all this time...it feels like things are worse than they were back then. I feel like I've been duped or that he's found a way to make me his crutch. He doesn't do anything for himself anymore at all. He just goes to class and goes to work and you can't do that week in and week out and expect other people to want to be around you. especially if you make no time or effort to be around them...and watching Angel on DVD together doesn't count as alone time. That is time spent with the TV in the company of others. That is not time spent with your g/f in the company of the TV. I want to have a boyfriend and right now I have a roommate...I don't want a roommate, I don't get along well with them. I want a boyfriend who I can go out with and spend time alone with not in front of the TV but maybe on the couch, at a coffee shop, or even *gasp* in bed?!?! How am I supposed to feel loved and supported when there is no effort made to make me feel loved and suppported? I feel used and useless. I can't be your only support structure. You have friends and family to air out your stress and anxiety. That and your stress would be less if you got a different job. Not necessarily better, but different. Why are you so afraid to leave this crappy, law-breaking, back-breaking job behind for something, ANYTHING else?!? Cap City would have been so much better than this shit hole you're in now. Even if it's the same kind of work, everything about it would be different. I can't be there for you every night after work to support you and make you feel better about yourself if you go in there everyday therafter and make no effort to do the same for yourself. I keep telling you that I can't handle your job anymore...when are you going to realize that I mean it!? I CAN NOT deal with your stress when my job may be at risk right now...at best I may not get a raise this year. at worst I could get fired. Do you not realize the severity of this situation for me right now? and you want me to take care of your needs (physical, financial, emotional) and not have any of mine fulfilled? I can't do this anymore...something has to change...I can't be there for you 24/7 you have to take care of yourself a lot more than you are right now. Anyway...this is what I wanted to talk to you about but you didn't even give me the chance to have a calm relatively logical discussion about this. You assumed that I was going to hurt you. Well you've been hurting me and I'm done with it. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but one of us has to do what's best for ourselves right now and if you can't help yourself, I HAVE to help myself.