(no subject)
I need my mind space as much as I need my physical space. If I can’t have one then I usually need more of the other to compensate. Getting put down for everything I do every day makes the head space cluttered and hurt and confused. When I can’t clear and focus my mind, my physical space begins to clutter. Often I have to clear both simultaneously to get any good results out of my efforts. I can’t do what I want/need to do without him getting aggravated and getting on my case about not doing what he thinks is necessary like cleaning the house or running errands. I know what I need and it’s not always to be cleaning or reorganizing things around the house. Sometimes it’s just time to sit and reflect, to clear the mental cobwebs and clutter into more organized settings, THEN I can go about the physical clean up of the house.
Then work intrudes on my mind and immediately I can feel my heart rate go up, and my muscles tense in preparation for feeling inadequate and useless. Everyone seems to be telling me that lately and I know it’s not true, but I can’t get away from it long enough to let it sink back into my bones and take ahold of me stronger than this despair can. I haven’t had anyone to talk to that just simply has my back and makes no judgments on me in my stressed and depressed state. I can’t talk to Jess without being told what to do and I don’t need that right now. I need to vent and do something away from here I need to have time away from my life to be all alone, by myself, somewhere new or at least different than my everyday surroundings.
I love life…I love my life…but lately my life hasn’t been loving me very well. I want it to embrace me AS I AM and let me take the time I need to grow into the better person everyone just expects me to be. I’m not perfect, and I never will be. But I can do better. It’s just very difficult to do better when everyone’s yelling at you to do better. I have no time or space to block it all out and just work internally.
Then work intrudes on my mind and immediately I can feel my heart rate go up, and my muscles tense in preparation for feeling inadequate and useless. Everyone seems to be telling me that lately and I know it’s not true, but I can’t get away from it long enough to let it sink back into my bones and take ahold of me stronger than this despair can. I haven’t had anyone to talk to that just simply has my back and makes no judgments on me in my stressed and depressed state. I can’t talk to Jess without being told what to do and I don’t need that right now. I need to vent and do something away from here I need to have time away from my life to be all alone, by myself, somewhere new or at least different than my everyday surroundings.
I love life…I love my life…but lately my life hasn’t been loving me very well. I want it to embrace me AS I AM and let me take the time I need to grow into the better person everyone just expects me to be. I’m not perfect, and I never will be. But I can do better. It’s just very difficult to do better when everyone’s yelling at you to do better. I have no time or space to block it all out and just work internally.