My Chloe Hopped Over the Rainbow Bridge Last Night
Two days ago Chloe woke up in the morning not acting right. She had a tick, where her head kept twitching to the right side, and her eyes were quickly darting left and right, almost like when something mechanical glitches. She was disoriented and couldn't find her balance, and kept falling to her right side. As soon as I let her out and saw what was going on, I immediately broke down and starting sobbing because I knew it was something Neurological, and something very serious. I immediately got on the phone and began calling every single vet in the yellowpages. But, because it was Sunday, and the 4th of July weekend, no vets were open, and none of the local emergency 24hr vet clinics see rabbits. But I did find one vet, who happened to be cleaning up his office, that wasn't a rabbit specialist but had seen them in the past that was willing to take her, so I rushed her down.
Everything checked out good. Her temperature was fine, her breathing and heart sounded fantastic, inside her ears was pristine and she didn't even have any wax...but she had that tick. He suspected that she had a mild stroke, and sent me home with some Vitamin E to give her to thin her blood incase there were clots. Feeling somewhat relieved, as relieved as you can feel when your rabbit has a stroke but the prognosis is good for recovery, I took her home and just tried to keep her comfortable so she could recover. She wouldn't drink from her water bottle, so I was hand-watering her with a syringe, and she wouldn't eat anything but apples... but she was still eating and drinking, which I thought was excellent. I didn't sleep very well that night because I was worried and constantly checking on her, but eventually I did fall asleep, and when I woke up yesterday morning I got the shock of my life.
I think it was the noise that woke me up. When I went in the bathroom to see what was going on, Chloe was running wildly around her cage with her head wrenched to the right and slamming herself into the sides of her cage. I calmed her with my voice and stroked her gently, but then I realized that she was blind. She couldn't see me, or anything for that matter, which is probably why she was so freaked out. I gave her some water with the syringe, but as soon as I stopped talking to her she started flipping shit again, so I took everything out of her cage so she couldn't hurt herself on anything. Again I was on the phone, for over an hour, and still nowhere was open; it was the 4th of July after all. She kept slamming into the sides of her cage, so I decided to let her out and maybe Loaf would sit next to her and comfort her. She found her way to the green tubing (think hamster tubes but bunny sized) that I have behind their cages, and stayed in there for the rest of the day. I guess she felt safe in there, and because it fit her just right, it kind of cradled her in an upright position. I checked on her frequently and brought her water and apples, and she was still eating and drinking. I thought if we could just hold on until this morning, when the vets opened, I'd get her in to see the vet first thing, she'd get some antibiotic and we'd be just fine.
...But we weren't. She got worse. Chloe started thrashing wildly in the tubes to try and upright herself, but she was so disoriented she couldn't even work her legs anymore. What she was doing resembled an alligator death roll, and I was immediately concerned that if she kept thrashing she would break her back or slam her face into something. So I pulled her out of the tube and laid her in her cage. She flailed a little more, but with some soothing from my mom and I she calmed down and laid still. My mom told me she didn't think Chloe would make it until the morning, so again I got on the phone and over an hour later, at 9pm, I found a place an hour and a half away that was open and had experience with rabbits. The whole drive down I don't think I stopped crying once.
We got there and she got right in. She was in such bad shape, and she was so scared because she was blind and couldn't move and didn't know what was going on. I tried to keep my voice from shaking when I soothed her and whispered to her, but I just couldn't keep myself together. And then we got the news. It wasn't good. The vet suspected that she had Spontaneous Encephalitis, which is a common but poorly understood brain infection in rabbits. I had two choices. I could put her down, or I could try a 28 day course of antibiotics that had less than a 40% success rate. I looked at my mom, and then the veterinarian, and being a long-time bunny owner and rabbit-lover himself, I asked him what he would do if Chloe was his bunny, and he said he would put her down. My mom and I asked the doctor to give us a minute while we thought about what we were going to do, and he excused himself from the room.
My heart leaped at the idea of the antibiotics, but in my soul I knew being as sick as I am I would not be able to properly administer her medication regularly, or take care of her the way she needed to be taken care of. The vet said that she would have to be wrapped in a blanket like a bunny burrito the whole time, so that she didn't thrash around and break her back. Chloe would need to be administered oral antibiotics with a syringe 3x a day, I would have to hand-feed her her rabbit pellets one at a time, because she wouldn't eat, and I would also have to hand-feed her water with a syringe, like I had been doing. She would also be unable to clean herself, so I'd have to use baby wipes and make sure her rear-end stayed immaculate or she could possibly develop maggots back there. Essentially, she would need the care of a newborn baby. And all for less than a 40% chance of recovery. He also said that he wasn't sure if she did recover if she would ever regain her sight.
I thought about Chloe, and who she was. She was an independent, feisty rabbit with attitude and then some. She didn't even like being petted unless it was on HER terms when SHE wanted. How happy would she be forced to sit in her cage, for a whole month, completely blind and being handled excessively and force-fed? She would hate it. And if the medicine didn't work, her last month on Earth would be completely and utterly miserable. Furthermore, she would need to be separated, from Loaf during this 28-day period, which would stress both of them, and our house is so small with the dog downstairs and only my room and the bathroom upstairs...we'd have no way to separate them, we just don't have enough room. And then I thought about me, and what my capabilities are as far as what I can do in a day. I still shower in a chair, and more than 50% of my day is spent in bed. I'm doing better, yes, but getting little to no sleep constantly worrying about her and caring for her... how well would I be? How much sicker would all that stress make me?
All these thoughts and more rushed through my head in less than a minute as I stroked her ears and the tears rolled down my cheeks. My mom, who was on the other side of the table, grabbed my hand and said, "Let her go honey. Do you really think you could watch her suffer and struggle for a couple more weeks? Do you think you could physically give her the care she needs with the antibiotics? You can't sweetie. I know you want to, but you can't. If you love her, you'll think about what's best for her. Let her go, Sarah." I looked down at her, laying on her side but contorted, her head twisted, panting hard, and her eyes frantically darting back and forth with fear and confusion. I couldn't say the word, but I nodded, and she gave me a moment alone with her to say goodbye.
I squatted down beside her, so that my head was inches from hers. I fought with all I had to keep my voice from trembling, because I didn't want her to be afraid. What do you say? How do you say goodbye to your best friend, your daughter, your companion, my source of strength and courage and joy. Chloe was there for me before I got sick. I used to come home from college on the weekends just to see her. Then when I got sick, she was there with me every moment of every day. I was never alone. She never judged me. She never got upset if I couldn't play with her that day, if I didn't have the strength to pet her, or if her cage had to wait another day to be cleaned because I was too weak to do it. She was my everything, my reason for getting up in the morning, why I kept fighting each and every day... it was because of her.
"Chloe," I choked out, pressing my forehead against hers. When she heard my voice she instantly relaxed and her breathing slowed a little. "Chloe, you're my everything. I love you so, so, so much. You've always been there for me, and I'm so sorry I can't be there for you. I'm so sorry. God, I love you so much my little girl. My little girl. I can't let you suffer any longer." I closed my eyes for a second as the tears just streamed down my face, and what happened next is what tears me apart the most. Chloe was terrified. She was blind, she was in a strange place with strange smells, she had been picked up, driven in a car for hours, she was disoriented, she was uncomfortable... and at that moment, she started grinding her teeth. (Teeth grinding for rabbits when they're being petted is equivalent to a cat purring.) I had just signed her death sentence, and she was purring for me.
Oh God I'm sorry *breaks down* it hurts so much. It's like she was saying, "I love you mommy, it's okay. I know you're doing what's best for me, I trust you." And then the nurse came in and picked her up, I kissed her forehead and that little smoosh she has on her cheek that I love to kiss so much one last time, and told her I loved her, and the nurse stepped out. After I knew Chloe couldn't hear me and was long down the hall, I crumpled to the floor and wailed like a mother who had just lost her child. I was a mother who had just lost her child. You may have never heard it before, but when you hear this wail, you just know what it is and why. It's something that can't be replicated, and starts somewhere so deep in your soul by the time it gets to your mouth you are powerless to control it. So at 12:05AM, today, my sweet little Chloe went to be with Jesus.
I wanted to be with her the moment she passed, but they don't put rabbits down like they put dogs and cats down, their veins are too small for an injection. So what they do is they put them to sleep first with gas, so they're unconscious, and then I'm not sure how and I don't want to think about it, but they have to inject them right in the heart. The vet told me it's not something the owners should see, even if it's painless for the rabbit.
I don't know how much sleep I got last night. I don't know if I slept at all. All I know is that when I crawled into bed, my face and head felt like they were going to explode from crying so hard for so long. I left a note for my father when I got home, and this morning, just as the sun rose over the mountains, he buried her next to Frisky and Tinsel. About an hour ago I left Loaf out, and he's wandering all over looking for her. He doesn't understand what happened, and I can tell that he misses her. He isn't his usual, playful, energetic self. I lost my daughter, but he lost his mate, and they truly did love each other, like no other animal couple I've ever seen. Watching him grieve is almost as painful as losing Chloe. The vet recommended that I get another bunny rather soon, so that's he's not alone and could have comfort in someone of his own kind... but I just don't know if I'm ready. However, if he does start getting really depressed, since he's always had another bunny with him, I will once again have to put my feelings aside and get him what he needs, even if that means getting another bunny before I'm ready.
Am I ready to talk about this? No... not really. Initially I was just going to have a short little paragraph letting you all know that she was gone instead of going into great detail. But she wasn't just my bunny... she was your bunny too. You've drawn her. The stories I shared about her made you laugh. She nibbled your Christmas Cards. She got more gifts from you on Christmas and my Birthday than even I did. You loved her too, and you deserve to know, in detail, what happened. I know it was sudden and unexpected, and that you're probably as stunned as I am. Chloe was only 3, just a young bunny, and I know I expected that she would nibble Christmas Cards for many more years before I had to confront the possibility of losing her, and you probably did too. The illness Chloe came down with, although sudden, is actually not that uncommon in rabbits. It also happens to be contagious, which is why I've been frantically trying to disinfect everything in my room, but Chloe and Loaf were grooming each other just yesterday... so chances are that if he's gonna get it he's already caught it. I'll be watching him very carefully for a while.
I would like to thank all of you that offered your condolences on my facebook page, and especially those like :devdaughterofthestars: who comforted me and offered me advice last night and this morning via text message. I don't know how long I'll grieve for Chloe, probably a very long time, but I wouldn't be surprised if I threw myself into something like drawing or writing again to keep my mind off the pain. So if you see an explosion of deviations from me ...which you may or may not... I'm just trying to distract myself. I'm homebound if you've forgotten, so my room, the room i'm in practically 24/7 is the room I shared with her, and all the memories of her are right here. I can't escape to mourn and then come back when I'm prepared, I have to face the emotions as they come, and they come fast and hard. There might be a slew of depressing journals to come, I just don't know, and I don't have any advice for you on how to help me handle my grief. I've never lost someone so close to me, so I don't know how I will react or deal with it. Since I woke up I've just felt numb, which is why this journal appears to be so nonchalant and detached. My way of dealing with things that are painful and hard is to just not think about them, but I'm not sure I can do that in this case.
Love you guys! :huggle: Keep me in your prayers, because I'm devastated beyond belief and will need all the support I can get.
:heart: Sparkles
So what do you think? Did I make the right decision? What would you have done if it was your bunny?