Fic | Incognito (In Three Movements)
Title: Incognito (In Three Movements)
Author: attilatehbun
Fandom: Young Avengers
Pairing/Characters: Billy Kaplan/Teddy Altman
Rating: PG-13
Contains: Crack, magical-accident!girl!Billy, italics abuse
Word Count: <2400
Prompt: Tracking down a villain involves them being forced to go on a cruise and pretend to be married.
Author's Notes: a;sldkfja this is all riko's fault. i am taking no responsibility here omg what are you doing stop looking at meeeeeeeeeeeee. *flails* no i have no idea why they are on a cruise ship also, any resemblance to an actual plot is purely coincidental.
::
I: In which Billy is not at all pleased, and Teddy is entirely too amused.
"This sucks," Billy mutters, smoothing down his hair for the zillionth time in the three minutes since they arrived on board. The count would have to be higher if he factors in the two hours and forty-one minutes since it had happened. Which he isn't.
Because he is doing everything he possibly can to not think about it, even though that everything is really not much of anything at all, what with being reminded of it every single time he takes a step.
He smooths his hair down again and turns his head into Teddy's ear. "This chafes," he whispers harshly.
Teddy inclines his head slightly and speaks out of the corner of his mouth. "Look, I told you, I said, you didn't have to go completely legit with this. You could have worn boxers and jeans, it's not like anyone would have checked, and even if they did, so what? Lots of people do it these days."
But he's still smirking and looking entirely too pleased with the whole situation as he wraps his arm tighter around Billy's shoulders, and Billy is not soothed.
"If you'll recall," he says, "my boxers would not fit over my hips so--" He breaks off as a rather unctuous man in an absurd jacket comes their way. The man's eyes skim right over Billy as if he is not there, and Billy scowls and smooths his hair yet again.
The man turns to Teddy, all sick smiles and fluttering hands. "Good afternoon, sir," he says, "how might I help you?"
Teddy, that bastard, ignores the lightning arcing between Billy's fingertips and smiles his most charming smile. He reaches down and grips Billy's hand, squeezing a little to extinguish the lightning, and says, "Yes, we'd- we'd like to check in?" He hands their tickets to the man, who glances at them, says, "Just one moment, sir," and scurries back into his office.
There's laughter glinting in Teddy's eyes as he says out of the corner of his mouth, "Don't pout, sweetie, you'll ruin your pretty face."
"Goddammit, I am not pouting," Billy hisses, and pulls his lower lip in, just to be sure.
"Whatever you say, dear."
Billy does not at all appreciate the smirk that accompanies Teddy's words. "A-are you? Are you patronizing me?"
"Of course not." Teddy pats his hand. "I'm not patronizing you, Billy, I am mocking you. Openly mocking you."
Billy grumbles darkly and it is a struggle to come up with a non-murderous smile when the man in the ridiculous jacket reappears. Even more so that Teddy seems to have no trouble whatsoever.
"Everything seems to be in order," the man says, "If you'll follow me, I'll show you to your cabin."
Teddy follows as if he hadn't a care in the world, and Billy glares at his back, saying (as much under his breath as he can manage), "Going to kill you. So many times, going to kill you."
Teddy snags him by the wrist and tugs him along. Glancing forward to make sure they're enough out of ear-shot, he leans in to whisper, "Oh really. Been working on a resurrection spell, have you?"
Billy pokes him in the kidneys. It does absolutely nothing.
They're walking past a long bank of mirrors now, and Billy is doing his best to ignore them. With another glance at the steward, Teddy leans in again. "You know, it's not like I wasn't willing to do it. Was planning to, actually. It's kind of what I do. But no, you had to go messing about with your magic, just to see, and now look where we are. I mean, you've got no right to complain. I could, but I won't, because you really are cute when you pout." He points to the mirrors as he says this.
Billy tries to say something stunningly witty (probably something along the lines of 'Shut up it is not cute and also for the last time I am not pouting'), but he catches sight of himself in the mirror and his train of thought departs the station without him once again.
He still looks mostly like himself, scowling (not pouting!) in a very manly fashion, with dark hair and dark eyes, and the same basic features. But the dark hair is long, past his shoulders, and oh yeah, there are breasts. Breasts, and hips that could almost be described as child-bearing, all wrapped up in a silk blouse and loose skirt that he snagged from the stash of extra clothes Kate keeps at the Lair in case she needs to switch out of her uniform in a hurry. Billy chooses to not focus on the breasts (he's spent most of his life not caring about breasts and it shouldn't be too hard to keep right on not caring even if they are now attached to him) and instead focuses on staying very, very clean, because the blouse alone probably costs more than his rent for a month, and while Kate probably wouldn't give a shit if it got ruined, Billy would. Thinking about taking very good care of Kate's clothes is about the only think keeping him sane at the moment.
He sighs and smooths the newly long hair again, and follows after Teddy, grumpy over the fact that he can't even shove his hands into his pockets like he wants because he doesn't have any.
When he catches up, Teddy tugs on a lock of his hair and raises an eyebrow at him. "Hey, it'll be okay."
Billy rolls his eyes. His hand moves instinctively to readjust parts he doesn't even have right now, because the damn underwear he bought in order to be authentic is lace and is itchy in ways he hadn't thought possible before. Teddy smacks his hand away before it can get there and laughs as Billy's glare turns into a defeated sigh.
"Women don't usually scratch their junk in public, B," he says and scratches his chin. "Actually, they don't usually slouch so much either, and you should probably sway a bit more when you walk."
Billy sputters for a moment before he can find words. "How the hell do you even know that, Teddy?"
Teddy snorts. "Right, because it's not like I've ever had to shift to a girl for a mission before. Clearly I have no idea what I'm doing."
Billy smacks a palm to his face before he even thinks about it. His words come out slightly muffled. "Right, sorry. In my defense though, that's usually when I run screaming out of the room."
Teddy bumps him with his shoulder. "What, you don't like the way I look as a girl?"
"Shockingly, no, T, I don't. Weird."
Teddy slings an arm around Billy's shoulders. "Your sarcasm is useless on me, Ms. Kaplan," he says.
Billy glares and continues. "For some reason, I prefer the fact that you are guy." He rolls his eyes at Teddy's smirk. "I still have nightmares about you looking like Lindsay Lohan."
Teddy leans in to whisper in Billy's ear, "Me too," but then the steward has unlocked their cabin with a gracious Here you are, Mr. and Mrs. Altman, and once he's gone, it's time to get to work.
II: In which Billy is grumpy, and Teddy is joining him.
"Oh shit."
"'Shit' isn't my name, Teddy," says Billy, words slightly strained given that he is lying in the most unladylike position he can manage, head dangling off the end of the bed.
Teddy ignores this. "I just. Do you see how many compartments there are on this ship? Not to mention things that aren't compartments but could easily hide a person for days?" Teddy stares at the 'borrowed' diagrams spread out over the tiny table as if, solely by staring, he could will the location of their quarry to light up and flash. And possibly emit some streamers.
And yes, Billy has already tried that, but apparently this particular powered criminal can either block locating spells himself, or has someone else doing it for him. Billy doesn't really want to try the spell again again, for fear of setting the cruise-liner on fire. Or unexisting it. Or something worse.
"So you're saying, basically," Billy says slowly, rotating himself around and tugging irritably at the skirt that insists on riding up his thighs (hairless thighs, his brain tries to add, but he tells it to shut up and get back to thinking of a way around the location deflection thing.), "that we aren't going to get off this cruise ship before it leaves port, are we?"
Just then, the horn sounds, signaling both the ship leaving the harbor as well as Billy's doom.
"It was a solid tip," Teddy says awkwardly and shuffles the diagrams as if they've done him personal harm.
"Teddy."
"He's got to be here."
"Teddy." Billy rears up on his knees.
"I mean, we'll find him, then arrest him, and everything will be fine."
"Teddy, I didn't bring any extra clothes."
Teddy finally looks up at him. "It's not my fault that you forgot to pack anything."
"Forgot to pack anything? Pack what? Some cute little number from my huge wardrobe of women's cloth--" Billy breaks off with a strangled sound and flops face-first into the pillow. "I cannot believe those words just came out of my mouth."
Teddy doesn't laugh, he just continues to stare gloomily at the diagrams. "I wasn't counting on this guy being able to counter your magic, all right?"
"Maybe you should have gotten better information," Billy says into the pillow.
"Do you think I wanted this to be this complicated?" Teddy says.
Billy pulls the pillow tighter against his face. Maybe suffocation will save him. "No, but I think you should have planned better."
"Look who's talking!"
"Hey, I didn't get us stuck here through my lack of underwear!" Billy says, sitting up.
Teddy tugs at his hair and only barely keeps himself from banging his head on the table. "I didn't ask to get us stuck here!"
"Neither did I!"
Teddy says, "Then why are we fighting?" and gives in, finally dropping his head to the table. There is a resounding klonk.
"Because we're pretending to be married and we are staying in character!" Billy cries before collapsing to the bed. He turns his head in time to catch the slight quirking of Teddy's lips. It lasts for about a second, and then Teddy erupts into giggles which gets Billy going, and neither stops for quite some time.
Finally, Teddy climbs onto the bed next to Billy and drops his face into Billy's neck. "I guess we'll just have to find him the old fashioned way," he mutters into Billy's skin.
"What, brainwashing?"
Teddy pokes Billy in the chest, carefully avoiding his breasts. "Looking. And asking. And probably more looking."
Billy groans. "Jesus, Teddy, I can't go out there. When I went out on deck earlier, no less than three women asked who designed such a, quote, fabulous skirt. What the hell am I supposed to say?"
Teddy snorts and props himself up over Billy. "Okay, you, officially, are the worst gay boy ever."
Billy, of course, smacks him in the shoulder.
"I am not the worst gay boy ever, what I am, is a terrible girl." Billy pauses. "Or at least, a terrible girl-with-Kate's-fashion-sense. Urgh, this is horrible."
"Oh quit griping," Teddy says, but his voice is filled with affection. Billy is about to smile and kiss him, when he continues, "Listen to your husband."
Billy shoves him off and Teddy, laughing, leans over to kiss his very-manly-not-pout.
"Look at it this way," Teddy says. "There are worse places to be stuck with your boyfriend than on a romantic cruise--"
"Sweaty tourists with sunburns and too-tight tee-shirts are not romantic, T," Billy interrupts, on principle really, because Teddy has a point.
Luckily Teddy ignores him. "So we'll just catch this guy quick, toss him in the hold somewhere, and spend the rest of the trip in the cabin."
"Teddy, I'm still a girl."
Teddy flicks him lightly in the center of the forehead and says, "One with magic, Billy. And you don't need to stay incognito in here, do you?"
Billy can feel a lecherous grin spreading across his face. "Hmmm, you just might be right. Probably don't even need to worry about not having any clothes either."
Teddy grins as Billy's eyes start to flare blue. "I can't possibly see that being a problem."
III: In which Billy is amused, and Teddy is not so much.
Billy trudges down the gangplank, most of his concentration focused on keeping the bound criminal beside him invisible. The rest is spent trying to remember how to walk in heels.
Teddy follows, keeping one eye on the general area of Billy's spell, but mostly just trying not to wince too obviously.
"Doing okay back there, honey?" Billy says, his voice too high and too sugary. He can feel Teddy glaring at his back and tries not to laugh.
"This sucks," Teddy rumbles.
Billy waits a beat, and maneuvers the invisible, self-proclaimed "Great MacGuffin" through the crowds on the docks.
"This chafes," Teddy says a moment later.
Billy reaches back and gingerly takes Teddy's hand. "I told you--" he says with a smirk, but Teddy won't let him finish.
"I have never gotten sunburnt before!" Teddy says. "If you'll recall, I have been" - he looks around quickly- "actually burned, like, on fire, and healed from it. Why can't I heal from this?" he finishes in a whisper.
Billy leans close. "Maybe it's the Kree physiology? And the Skrull just can't cancel it out?"
"I don't know, but it sucks," Teddy says. He moves to pick at the skin peeling from his arms, and Billy smacks his hand away.
"Just leave it alone, and I'll buy you some lotion when we've gotten rid of this asshole," he says.
"Help me put it on?" Teddy asks with half of a hopeful grin.
Billy smooths his hair down, and smirks with a glint of blue. "Of course."
::fin::
Author: attilatehbun
Fandom: Young Avengers
Pairing/Characters: Billy Kaplan/Teddy Altman
Rating: PG-13
Contains: Crack, magical-accident!girl!Billy, italics abuse
Word Count: <2400
Prompt: Tracking down a villain involves them being forced to go on a cruise and pretend to be married.
Author's Notes: a;sldkfja this is all riko's fault. i am taking no responsibility here omg what are you doing stop looking at meeeeeeeeeeeee. *flails* no i have no idea why they are on a cruise ship also, any resemblance to an actual plot is purely coincidental.
::
I: In which Billy is not at all pleased, and Teddy is entirely too amused.
"This sucks," Billy mutters, smoothing down his hair for the zillionth time in the three minutes since they arrived on board. The count would have to be higher if he factors in the two hours and forty-one minutes since it had happened. Which he isn't.
Because he is doing everything he possibly can to not think about it, even though that everything is really not much of anything at all, what with being reminded of it every single time he takes a step.
He smooths his hair down again and turns his head into Teddy's ear. "This chafes," he whispers harshly.
Teddy inclines his head slightly and speaks out of the corner of his mouth. "Look, I told you, I said, you didn't have to go completely legit with this. You could have worn boxers and jeans, it's not like anyone would have checked, and even if they did, so what? Lots of people do it these days."
But he's still smirking and looking entirely too pleased with the whole situation as he wraps his arm tighter around Billy's shoulders, and Billy is not soothed.
"If you'll recall," he says, "my boxers would not fit over my hips so--" He breaks off as a rather unctuous man in an absurd jacket comes their way. The man's eyes skim right over Billy as if he is not there, and Billy scowls and smooths his hair yet again.
The man turns to Teddy, all sick smiles and fluttering hands. "Good afternoon, sir," he says, "how might I help you?"
Teddy, that bastard, ignores the lightning arcing between Billy's fingertips and smiles his most charming smile. He reaches down and grips Billy's hand, squeezing a little to extinguish the lightning, and says, "Yes, we'd- we'd like to check in?" He hands their tickets to the man, who glances at them, says, "Just one moment, sir," and scurries back into his office.
There's laughter glinting in Teddy's eyes as he says out of the corner of his mouth, "Don't pout, sweetie, you'll ruin your pretty face."
"Goddammit, I am not pouting," Billy hisses, and pulls his lower lip in, just to be sure.
"Whatever you say, dear."
Billy does not at all appreciate the smirk that accompanies Teddy's words. "A-are you? Are you patronizing me?"
"Of course not." Teddy pats his hand. "I'm not patronizing you, Billy, I am mocking you. Openly mocking you."
Billy grumbles darkly and it is a struggle to come up with a non-murderous smile when the man in the ridiculous jacket reappears. Even more so that Teddy seems to have no trouble whatsoever.
"Everything seems to be in order," the man says, "If you'll follow me, I'll show you to your cabin."
Teddy follows as if he hadn't a care in the world, and Billy glares at his back, saying (as much under his breath as he can manage), "Going to kill you. So many times, going to kill you."
Teddy snags him by the wrist and tugs him along. Glancing forward to make sure they're enough out of ear-shot, he leans in to whisper, "Oh really. Been working on a resurrection spell, have you?"
Billy pokes him in the kidneys. It does absolutely nothing.
They're walking past a long bank of mirrors now, and Billy is doing his best to ignore them. With another glance at the steward, Teddy leans in again. "You know, it's not like I wasn't willing to do it. Was planning to, actually. It's kind of what I do. But no, you had to go messing about with your magic, just to see, and now look where we are. I mean, you've got no right to complain. I could, but I won't, because you really are cute when you pout." He points to the mirrors as he says this.
Billy tries to say something stunningly witty (probably something along the lines of 'Shut up it is not cute and also for the last time I am not pouting'), but he catches sight of himself in the mirror and his train of thought departs the station without him once again.
He still looks mostly like himself, scowling (not pouting!) in a very manly fashion, with dark hair and dark eyes, and the same basic features. But the dark hair is long, past his shoulders, and oh yeah, there are breasts. Breasts, and hips that could almost be described as child-bearing, all wrapped up in a silk blouse and loose skirt that he snagged from the stash of extra clothes Kate keeps at the Lair in case she needs to switch out of her uniform in a hurry. Billy chooses to not focus on the breasts (he's spent most of his life not caring about breasts and it shouldn't be too hard to keep right on not caring even if they are now attached to him) and instead focuses on staying very, very clean, because the blouse alone probably costs more than his rent for a month, and while Kate probably wouldn't give a shit if it got ruined, Billy would. Thinking about taking very good care of Kate's clothes is about the only think keeping him sane at the moment.
He sighs and smooths the newly long hair again, and follows after Teddy, grumpy over the fact that he can't even shove his hands into his pockets like he wants because he doesn't have any.
When he catches up, Teddy tugs on a lock of his hair and raises an eyebrow at him. "Hey, it'll be okay."
Billy rolls his eyes. His hand moves instinctively to readjust parts he doesn't even have right now, because the damn underwear he bought in order to be authentic is lace and is itchy in ways he hadn't thought possible before. Teddy smacks his hand away before it can get there and laughs as Billy's glare turns into a defeated sigh.
"Women don't usually scratch their junk in public, B," he says and scratches his chin. "Actually, they don't usually slouch so much either, and you should probably sway a bit more when you walk."
Billy sputters for a moment before he can find words. "How the hell do you even know that, Teddy?"
Teddy snorts. "Right, because it's not like I've ever had to shift to a girl for a mission before. Clearly I have no idea what I'm doing."
Billy smacks a palm to his face before he even thinks about it. His words come out slightly muffled. "Right, sorry. In my defense though, that's usually when I run screaming out of the room."
Teddy bumps him with his shoulder. "What, you don't like the way I look as a girl?"
"Shockingly, no, T, I don't. Weird."
Teddy slings an arm around Billy's shoulders. "Your sarcasm is useless on me, Ms. Kaplan," he says.
Billy glares and continues. "For some reason, I prefer the fact that you are guy." He rolls his eyes at Teddy's smirk. "I still have nightmares about you looking like Lindsay Lohan."
Teddy leans in to whisper in Billy's ear, "Me too," but then the steward has unlocked their cabin with a gracious Here you are, Mr. and Mrs. Altman, and once he's gone, it's time to get to work.
II: In which Billy is grumpy, and Teddy is joining him.
"Oh shit."
"'Shit' isn't my name, Teddy," says Billy, words slightly strained given that he is lying in the most unladylike position he can manage, head dangling off the end of the bed.
Teddy ignores this. "I just. Do you see how many compartments there are on this ship? Not to mention things that aren't compartments but could easily hide a person for days?" Teddy stares at the 'borrowed' diagrams spread out over the tiny table as if, solely by staring, he could will the location of their quarry to light up and flash. And possibly emit some streamers.
And yes, Billy has already tried that, but apparently this particular powered criminal can either block locating spells himself, or has someone else doing it for him. Billy doesn't really want to try the spell again again, for fear of setting the cruise-liner on fire. Or unexisting it. Or something worse.
"So you're saying, basically," Billy says slowly, rotating himself around and tugging irritably at the skirt that insists on riding up his thighs (hairless thighs, his brain tries to add, but he tells it to shut up and get back to thinking of a way around the location deflection thing.), "that we aren't going to get off this cruise ship before it leaves port, are we?"
Just then, the horn sounds, signaling both the ship leaving the harbor as well as Billy's doom.
"It was a solid tip," Teddy says awkwardly and shuffles the diagrams as if they've done him personal harm.
"Teddy."
"He's got to be here."
"Teddy." Billy rears up on his knees.
"I mean, we'll find him, then arrest him, and everything will be fine."
"Teddy, I didn't bring any extra clothes."
Teddy finally looks up at him. "It's not my fault that you forgot to pack anything."
"Forgot to pack anything? Pack what? Some cute little number from my huge wardrobe of women's cloth--" Billy breaks off with a strangled sound and flops face-first into the pillow. "I cannot believe those words just came out of my mouth."
Teddy doesn't laugh, he just continues to stare gloomily at the diagrams. "I wasn't counting on this guy being able to counter your magic, all right?"
"Maybe you should have gotten better information," Billy says into the pillow.
"Do you think I wanted this to be this complicated?" Teddy says.
Billy pulls the pillow tighter against his face. Maybe suffocation will save him. "No, but I think you should have planned better."
"Look who's talking!"
"Hey, I didn't get us stuck here through my lack of underwear!" Billy says, sitting up.
Teddy tugs at his hair and only barely keeps himself from banging his head on the table. "I didn't ask to get us stuck here!"
"Neither did I!"
Teddy says, "Then why are we fighting?" and gives in, finally dropping his head to the table. There is a resounding klonk.
"Because we're pretending to be married and we are staying in character!" Billy cries before collapsing to the bed. He turns his head in time to catch the slight quirking of Teddy's lips. It lasts for about a second, and then Teddy erupts into giggles which gets Billy going, and neither stops for quite some time.
Finally, Teddy climbs onto the bed next to Billy and drops his face into Billy's neck. "I guess we'll just have to find him the old fashioned way," he mutters into Billy's skin.
"What, brainwashing?"
Teddy pokes Billy in the chest, carefully avoiding his breasts. "Looking. And asking. And probably more looking."
Billy groans. "Jesus, Teddy, I can't go out there. When I went out on deck earlier, no less than three women asked who designed such a, quote, fabulous skirt. What the hell am I supposed to say?"
Teddy snorts and props himself up over Billy. "Okay, you, officially, are the worst gay boy ever."
Billy, of course, smacks him in the shoulder.
"I am not the worst gay boy ever, what I am, is a terrible girl." Billy pauses. "Or at least, a terrible girl-with-Kate's-fashion-sense. Urgh, this is horrible."
"Oh quit griping," Teddy says, but his voice is filled with affection. Billy is about to smile and kiss him, when he continues, "Listen to your husband."
Billy shoves him off and Teddy, laughing, leans over to kiss his very-manly-not-pout.
"Look at it this way," Teddy says. "There are worse places to be stuck with your boyfriend than on a romantic cruise--"
"Sweaty tourists with sunburns and too-tight tee-shirts are not romantic, T," Billy interrupts, on principle really, because Teddy has a point.
Luckily Teddy ignores him. "So we'll just catch this guy quick, toss him in the hold somewhere, and spend the rest of the trip in the cabin."
"Teddy, I'm still a girl."
Teddy flicks him lightly in the center of the forehead and says, "One with magic, Billy. And you don't need to stay incognito in here, do you?"
Billy can feel a lecherous grin spreading across his face. "Hmmm, you just might be right. Probably don't even need to worry about not having any clothes either."
Teddy grins as Billy's eyes start to flare blue. "I can't possibly see that being a problem."
III: In which Billy is amused, and Teddy is not so much.
Billy trudges down the gangplank, most of his concentration focused on keeping the bound criminal beside him invisible. The rest is spent trying to remember how to walk in heels.
Teddy follows, keeping one eye on the general area of Billy's spell, but mostly just trying not to wince too obviously.
"Doing okay back there, honey?" Billy says, his voice too high and too sugary. He can feel Teddy glaring at his back and tries not to laugh.
"This sucks," Teddy rumbles.
Billy waits a beat, and maneuvers the invisible, self-proclaimed "Great MacGuffin" through the crowds on the docks.
"This chafes," Teddy says a moment later.
Billy reaches back and gingerly takes Teddy's hand. "I told you--" he says with a smirk, but Teddy won't let him finish.
"I have never gotten sunburnt before!" Teddy says. "If you'll recall, I have been" - he looks around quickly- "actually burned, like, on fire, and healed from it. Why can't I heal from this?" he finishes in a whisper.
Billy leans close. "Maybe it's the Kree physiology? And the Skrull just can't cancel it out?"
"I don't know, but it sucks," Teddy says. He moves to pick at the skin peeling from his arms, and Billy smacks his hand away.
"Just leave it alone, and I'll buy you some lotion when we've gotten rid of this asshole," he says.
"Help me put it on?" Teddy asks with half of a hopeful grin.
Billy smooths his hair down, and smirks with a glint of blue. "Of course."
::fin::