Tara, Tara, Tara....
There is this guy in my life right now named Joshua. He really is a great guy. He is really funny, atractive, and just as sweet as he could be. Plus he isn't at all homophobic... which is a big plus since Jonathan is a big part of my life. He actually thinks of him as a good friend, I think, which isn't something most straight guys would do. So I know I said I was going to do the whole celebate thing, but this just sort of happened.
The few times I've had sex with guys I thought I just didn't enjoy it because it hurt... or whatever. I never really let any of them finish. Me and Josh had sex last night, and it didn't really hurt after a bit, and I had to actually focus on what was going on. Well I started to cry...
I don't really know how to describe what I was feeling. Disgusting... Invaded... I don't know. I am attracted to guys, but when it comes to actually having them inside me it's different. Even doing anything sexual kind of makes me feel dirty. Maybe it is guys. Maybe it is sex in general. I don't know. I don't regret it happening at all, I think it was something I needed to experience, and he was really great and sweet about it. Now I really am going to stop having sex at all for awhile. I really do have things I need to ponder.
What do I need to think about? What the hell is up with me and what to do about it. My theory of what is going on is this:
1. I am gay because I really want to have that female best friend that won't leave me for a guy. Of course also that I am attracted to women, but that isn't the whole of it.
2. I am a fag hag (and I really hate that term, so I better be the only one to ever call me that) because I want male companionship without the sex part.
3. I don't actually really know what the fuck is going on, but life is more then partners and sex, and I need to explore that for a bit.
No all I have to figure out is where to start....
The few times I've had sex with guys I thought I just didn't enjoy it because it hurt... or whatever. I never really let any of them finish. Me and Josh had sex last night, and it didn't really hurt after a bit, and I had to actually focus on what was going on. Well I started to cry...
I don't really know how to describe what I was feeling. Disgusting... Invaded... I don't know. I am attracted to guys, but when it comes to actually having them inside me it's different. Even doing anything sexual kind of makes me feel dirty. Maybe it is guys. Maybe it is sex in general. I don't know. I don't regret it happening at all, I think it was something I needed to experience, and he was really great and sweet about it. Now I really am going to stop having sex at all for awhile. I really do have things I need to ponder.
What do I need to think about? What the hell is up with me and what to do about it. My theory of what is going on is this:
1. I am gay because I really want to have that female best friend that won't leave me for a guy. Of course also that I am attracted to women, but that isn't the whole of it.
2. I am a fag hag (and I really hate that term, so I better be the only one to ever call me that) because I want male companionship without the sex part.
3. I don't actually really know what the fuck is going on, but life is more then partners and sex, and I need to explore that for a bit.
No all I have to figure out is where to start....