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Happy birthday to my mom!!!!
very sad today. started crying on the way home from work.
i think i have some unresloved issues about past events.
for some reason i dont think i truly dealt with what happened.
sure i cried and i shed my tears and i knew what was going on, but on some level i dont think i dealt with it.
that person i saw laying in the coffin was not my grandma.
did not look like her at all therefore, it was not her.
in my head everytime i go next door shes just not there, shes at the club, at a card party, at the doctor or somewhere, but shes not gone.
eventually when i go over there she will be there again, even thought i know thats not true, and her door is closed and she will never again open it,
in my head she will
she will be home again.
Maybe i am just having a harder time with all of this than i let anyone know.
i wanted to appear like i was being strong.
only really cying when others did.
it just occured to me on the way home, that i am not going to the hospital today like i did so many other days.
today i have to get my lunch and go home
go home to no one, my mom was out with my nanny, and everyone else was gone too.
they were home next door, so i could have went over there to eat, but grandma wouldnt have been there.
so i ate my food and came up to my room.
here this tragic horrible thing happened and now i am just supposed to go back to normal.
tonight i have to go to class with the evil bitch professor who told me that even with an obituary that she would still penilize me for missing a test.
i have to go to her class, and take her the obituary even though i took the test, if i did poorly on it im going to retake it, i will go to the dean if i have to, i was in no mental state to take a test, my grandma had been giving 24 hrs for christ sake, how the hell could i take a test.
so yeah have to go to that class, with the obitary, and take notes, and not think about what i have been trying not to think about, but those thoughts just keep coming into my head.
i miss her.
she lived next door to me every day of my life and now she is not there.
last night i had to put all the pictures from the visitation into a book, and number them so that people can tell me which ones to get copies of made. and i as just so baffled watching her age as i put the pictures in cronological order. never again will there be another picture of her. She wont be on vacation with us anymore. never again will she yell at me for running over to her house at night bare foot with a wet head in the middle of the winter telling me im going to get pneumonia.....
she got pneumonia, and she never walked to my house bare foot. why did she get it. i know that is not really how you get pneumonia but she has been yelling at me for doing that since i was little, and did i ever listen? no, i just told her you dont get pneumonia from that.
why did she have to go?
why?
why?
why?
why?
why?
very sad today. started crying on the way home from work.
i think i have some unresloved issues about past events.
for some reason i dont think i truly dealt with what happened.
sure i cried and i shed my tears and i knew what was going on, but on some level i dont think i dealt with it.
that person i saw laying in the coffin was not my grandma.
did not look like her at all therefore, it was not her.
in my head everytime i go next door shes just not there, shes at the club, at a card party, at the doctor or somewhere, but shes not gone.
eventually when i go over there she will be there again, even thought i know thats not true, and her door is closed and she will never again open it,
in my head she will
she will be home again.
Maybe i am just having a harder time with all of this than i let anyone know.
i wanted to appear like i was being strong.
only really cying when others did.
it just occured to me on the way home, that i am not going to the hospital today like i did so many other days.
today i have to get my lunch and go home
go home to no one, my mom was out with my nanny, and everyone else was gone too.
they were home next door, so i could have went over there to eat, but grandma wouldnt have been there.
so i ate my food and came up to my room.
here this tragic horrible thing happened and now i am just supposed to go back to normal.
tonight i have to go to class with the evil bitch professor who told me that even with an obituary that she would still penilize me for missing a test.
i have to go to her class, and take her the obituary even though i took the test, if i did poorly on it im going to retake it, i will go to the dean if i have to, i was in no mental state to take a test, my grandma had been giving 24 hrs for christ sake, how the hell could i take a test.
so yeah have to go to that class, with the obitary, and take notes, and not think about what i have been trying not to think about, but those thoughts just keep coming into my head.
i miss her.
she lived next door to me every day of my life and now she is not there.
last night i had to put all the pictures from the visitation into a book, and number them so that people can tell me which ones to get copies of made. and i as just so baffled watching her age as i put the pictures in cronological order. never again will there be another picture of her. She wont be on vacation with us anymore. never again will she yell at me for running over to her house at night bare foot with a wet head in the middle of the winter telling me im going to get pneumonia.....
she got pneumonia, and she never walked to my house bare foot. why did she get it. i know that is not really how you get pneumonia but she has been yelling at me for doing that since i was little, and did i ever listen? no, i just told her you dont get pneumonia from that.
why did she have to go?
why?
why?
why?
why?
why?