Set Ups and Half a Glass
Upon saying that I haven't got anything, the response I got is that I have every new day to have new opportunities. And for this, yes right, I am grateful. I just wish I knew how not to waste all those opportunities. They come. They go. But the truth is, every day seems the same. It's been five days in the official new month and not one of them has meant anything different than any of the others. Not one of them has meant anything at all.
I was supposed to chat with FAMILY yesterday, but yea I was to fucking sad and in a state of complete numbness to even think clearly. I just had to ignore the SMS. Yea, I felt bad about it this morning but its okay… and now I feel bad that I don’t feel bad for ignoring family. Its pretty messed up. I think I will go out tonight as its FREE’s b’day. Oh yea, not I am not in a mood... not at all.
The tragic thing about happiness is its more than anything else a set up for sorrow. See, that's at least the nice thing about being sad, you haven't anywhere to go from there but up. You could get more depressed but eventually you just sort of hit rock bottom. But when you're happy? Well, it's like going over that first hill on a roller coaster. You might go up, but you go down after. You might go up again but not as high. And eventually, if you go up at all, you just don't notice, until you glide all the way down, down to the bottom.
I spoke to the bank again today and they have received the paperwork I sent and she said they’ll check it up let me knw. Whooo progress... FUCK... I don’t know how to really feel. I mean, I just don’t know.
How do I reach my potential when I'm so far from the surface? I was reading this journal and someone else was writing about how they feel so full of sorrow that they're drowning in it. That's how I feel. I just feel like I'm floating around, sinking, falling, drowning deep down inside it and as hard as I'm trying to get out, I just sink faster. It's quicksand.
I say it over and over again, but noone wants to listen. This isnt about pessimism. I'm not without hope, so stop telling me to hold on. Stop telling me to get better. You don't think I'm thinking that? I'm more of an optimist than you'll ever be. But I'm also a realist. I may be saying I hope to see the light of day once more but I'm also not going to deny that i'm sinking into the sands. I have an amazing spirit and it is stronger than yours, I assure you. How can I know? Because yours has never truly been tested. Oh!!! Fuck you what do you know..?? I am going on not because I have to, but because I believe one day I will find something that will make me want to.
Oh!!! Ya, I have been out and come back... and I feel a tad bit better. Had a nice time at the restaurant... met some cool new people.? I know I wasn't supposed to put a '?' there, but i was too lazy to hit backspace. Anways, people I really appreciate Leena and all that she’s gone through is like only you would see in movies but yeah [ I won't bother telling you about it as you wouldn’t understand and frankly wouldn’t give a fuck as you don’t know her... well I barely know her]... made me feel a bit good about myself. But that doesn’t change the facts overall.
I have always felt that I was given the curse that I am blessed to live with because I was made for some sort of greatness. I'm no narcissist. My point is just that I feel I was made to suffer as I do because what I learn from that suffering will one day sculpt me into something special, someone who will make a difference in this world. I don't know what it is, and maybe I'm wrong. But that's my hope. If there's anything I want its to feel like I'm here for some other reason than just to take up time and space.
Yea so I had a beer at the diner and then we went to Mercury Lounge and I had a couple of beers there... I think if I would have had one more I could have danced all night, literally. Yeah, I had a good time in all but you come back and it hits to you what really is going on and that good, happy wonderful thing for just transitory.
I think about that a lot. I think maybe that's why things don’t’ work for me, because in essence, I've just been putting all that purpose into it, when truly it is supposed to just add to that purpose. Maybe yes, maybe no. I would still like to believe that hope means everything, and in this world, that's all that keeps me sane.
And yea I am chatting with HAPPY now and I must say…. HANDS DOWN… Funniest SHIT EVER…. would beat all that stand up comedy shit on STAR ONE these days with SIDHU fake laughing and SHEKAR SUMAN not knowing when to…. and I think he is still confused and should come out of the closet, its high time…. and star in Karan Johar movie. But yea, we could beat that comedy anyday, anynight!!!!! NO SECOND THOUGHTS. But GTG now.