A Second of Schziness-Diziness
I suddenly am feeling really depressed for no apparent reason. I have just come back from work. Works over for today and that should actually make me happy as I hate my work, but ironically I do not like being home now. Don't you hate when that happens? You are feeling, content, and you are like “Okay! I am fine today, I am loving the day...” until suddenly it hits you. You just sink deep down into it. You can't help it. I can't help it.
I'm tempted to just go to sleep, but its only 7.15. I'd really like to be more productive. I'm just bored. If it wasn't so late in the evening, and I wasn't just in boxers, I'd probably go out and just drift. There's nothing like good driftage when you are depressed. It’s like too early to sleep and too late to do anything else for the day.
I need to shave. I can't decide if I'd look good with a bit of a beard. I'm not talking much, just an accent. You'd have to see it to understand. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I hate it. I don't know. I don't even know where that thought came from. It’s just another random unrelated thought floating through the transom of my mind.
I'm playing ‘Eminem - Just Lose It’ which if you ask me, is pretty anti-the mood I'm in which is making me a bit jittery. But what are you going to do? I'm too lazy to change it. Besides, what would I change it to? I've got thousands of songs on my computer, and I never seem to know what to play. I don't much of watch TV any more, but I can't help feel like that couch potato who just keeps flipping through all the channels no matter what's on. I don't know. What does it matter?
I've only got the last bits of Kettle chips left. I think I've got some coke left too. That won't buy me much time, though. I don't know. Still, I wish I had something better to do. There are plenty of things I could do; I just want to do something with substance.
I think that's a big part of why I'm so down. With the days passing by, I find myself without any real purpose... like I feel I am nothing. I'm not a boyfriend. I'm not a student anymore...I am working, alright but that doesn’t count as it is of least importance. I just am… I don’t know… stuck. That's a terrifying thing, I think. I just want to be something and someone. I won't even go into needing someone as well.
Ah!! Well who am I kidding? I don't need to go into it because I'm always into it. I hate being alone. What's worse is I keep thinking is there some girl out there who is just as alone and just as miserable. I don't understand it. I guess there is someone else who is out there... same as me... yea, we all exist, but exist apart? Are we so tragically destined? It's so depressing. But yea, my depression is not all about wanting a girl or about me being away from family or about me hating my job or about why I feel like I’ve lost in everything I have ever done or about why I can’t make decision for myself... its all this and much more.
I have set the desktop wallpaper to the picture of my Bro, Sis-in-Law, Mom and Dad. I like looking at it. It's a shot of them at dinner table, with their arms around each other. Looking at this picture reminds me of this name tag pin that I saw on this guy selling some Christian magazines at the station today--which read "Where will you spend eternity." Now that I see the picture intently its kind of sad, the thing is, they’re looking directly at me, smiling.
*finally logged onto yahoo [Had been waiting for 15 mins to log in and it just fucking said SIGNING IN…]
BRB.
Yea just one offline from my friend - HAPPY… Its some link to a CRUSH CALULATOR. That is what I needed at this point of time. Anyways, I have not spoken to him for a while now. He's such a stoner, but yea… we used to spend a lot of time talking about various different things. We can like hold a conversation on anything and everything. Our conversations basically involve the magical powers of soil and lesbian girls named Asha and Urvashi. Don't even ask. But now I'm not depressed any more. I feel home sick, like that's where I should be. I don't know.
It's kind of cool because he and I are the last of our kind. That means I've got to produce offspring!!! Eh... not now I'll do that later. Right now I just want some cookies. I got so pissed off today. The bitch who was line with me at Subway took the last double choc cookie, and they didn’t have any left for me. I was tempted to bring back into use my paper mache axe, slaughter that bitch and get that cookie. Then I remembered I threw it into the lake with the remains of a guy who I butchered for a coffee-bite. Oh well… I used to love Coffee-Bite!!!
I need something more to drink. I'm really wanting some alcohol right now. I'm not a big drinker… don’t get me wrong. It’s just I can't think of anything in particular. I just want to be tipsy McFuckin Sloshedhead, if you know what I'm saying.
Random thought: Wouldn't it be great if they built a room completely built out of pillows? That's where I'd want to live. That's it! That's what I'm going to do for my organization. I'm going to build a building out of pillows as the headquarters. It's perfect. Now, I just need some money.
Yea, for those who don’t know me, I love Pillows. I am a cuddly sleeper. I so want to be with Amy Lee right now and cuddle. Yea, I need my Amy Lee. Who is Amy Lee you may ask… I guess you’ll never know.
Okay, now I'm feeling depressed again.
You know what I'd like? Some poppins. I loved poppins. I mean, whoever invented that candy must be a genius. They take a fruit... and canditize them. It's just pure brilliance. I liked the purple ones best. Mmm.. grape-ee.
I'm losing my mind, aren't I?
*goes out looking for it.
I give up.